Perspective from an egg donor

30 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Guest Post, IVF, Pregnancy

Tags

altruism, donor eggs, egg donor, egg donor experience, hero, IVF, pregnant egg donation

I’m sitting in a coffee shop across from a woman I haven’t seen in 25 years and I’m struggling to hold back tears. This woman was my best friend in 5th grade but we lost touch in high school as interests and friend groups changed and life moved on. We reconnected through Facebook several years back and one day while I was pregnant with my boys I was randomly scrolling and noticed a post where she mentioned her egg donation. My jaw hit the floor. I sat, stunned, for several minutes trying to manage my thoughts and feelings and I finally just wrote to her and laid it out. I told her I was pregnant through egg donation. I thanked her on behalf of the women she donated to. I told her she was a hero to me. And I had a million questions but I didn’t want to to pry. But here was a real live person who could give me some insight into the mystery woman who was always in my thoughts, the anonymous woman had donated the eggs that let me have my babies.

Last month I finally had the chance to sit down with my friend and hear her story. It moved me to tears. And this childhood friend, my hero, has agreed to share her story with us. So thank you B, for everything.

Why did you decide to donate?

I never wanted kids. And, spoiler alert, I still don’t.

But my friend E did. Desperately. And it wasn’t happening.

So that’s how my donor adventure started. Just kinda exploring the options, a little bit on behalf of my friend, but mostly because she made me aware of the need out there with the nights of heartbreak and tears and hugs and feeling utterly helpless to do anything for someone who meant the world to me. And when she got pregnant and clearly didn’t need me and my eggs, I thought, well, everyone has an E in their lives. So even though SHE didn’t need me anymore, someone’s E did. So I would do it for them.

And I won’t lie. The money was nice too. I’m no saint. I’m not sure I would have been altruistic enough to do six rounds of daily shots and blood draws and ultrasound wands up my junk and days off work on behalf of a multitude of strangers if I hadn’t been getting a nice wad of cash for it.

But it started off with wanting to help.

What was your donation experience like?

It’s been a while now. I’m 41 and the last time I donated was when I was 33. But I remember in the beginning, lots of tests. Family histories, and forms, and psych tests, and blood tests, and financial disclosures, and talking to my boyfriend (now husband) to see if he was cool with this, and then more forms, and more tests. They vet the crap out of donors, or at least the place where I donated did.

Beyond that I remember bruised thighs and tummy from all of the injections. I remember daily blood draws, to the point where I got track marks on my arms and I was afraid people would think I was an addict. I remember getting really intimate with the transvaginal ultrasound wand –was that daily too? I feel like near the end of each cycle it was–and how I stopped caring who got all up in my junk cause pretty much the entire world had seen it at that point. I remember the nurse drawing a target on my butt for the “trigger” shot, so my husband would know where to jab me—the one shot I didn’t do myself. I remember daily calls with the nurse coordinator, to let me know my hormone levels and how to adjust my shot doses the next day. I’m not sure if the recipients got calls too….I know everyone’s cycles had to be synced up to some degree, but I honestly don’t know much about the recipient side of that, whether they got the info on my progress or not and how that effected whatever process they had. I remember feeling “puffy” as I got close to the end of each cycle. My husband swears you couldn’t tell from looking at me, but I felt like I was wearing a weird heavy water balloon in my tummy. Like I ate too much, but it wasn’t my stomach.

I remember sitting in the waiting room of the clinic on retrieval days. I looked around at the other women there and I felt guilty. I assumed they were women who were trying so hard to get pregnant. I remember crying for them as I waited for my retrieval, and blaming it on the hormones.

The retrieval itself was under anesthesia, so all I remember about that is counting backwards. But every time, my husband said the first thing I asked when I woke up was how many eggs there were. And because I was coming out of anesthesia, I would immediately forget and ask again. And again. And asking if it was ok, if it was enough. Was that a good number? Is that enough? How many eggs? Is that good? How many?

Do you think about the families you donated to?

I do sometimes. Not as much now as when I was going through it, but they cross my mind. But honestly it was a bit like donating blood—once those eggs left my body, they weren’t mine anymore. They weren’t connected to me. Who they went to and what happened to them after that wasn’t part of my experience.

I did six cycles, and after my first round, they classified me as what they called a “high yield” donor, so each cycle after that was split among three women. So that’s sixteen possibilities. The clinic that I donated at won’t tell the donors anything about what happens with the eggs, not even if it was successful or not. And honestly, that isn’t a bad thing in my opinion. They said it was because when they did tell donors, they would get upset and depressed if it didn’t work out. So it is nice in a way to still be able to think of it as 16 possibilities, rather than knowing that for some of them it still didn’t happen. That would upset me.

There was one family that I still think of a bit more than the others. A little while after my last round of donation, I got a package from the coordinating nurse/clinic. I had no idea what it was. But when I opened it, it was from one of the women who received my eggs. Inside was a package with a little handmade neckwarmer filled with rice and some stationary and a card. Which I still have. And which still makes me tear up whenever I think about it, even as I type this. It said “Thank you for helping us make our family.”

That makes it more real for me. Before I got that package, it was just something I did and it wasn’t really connected to real people. But that card made it real for me. Made HER real for me. This woman whose cycle was once synced up with mine, and who received this donation from me, whose family I weirdly became a part of in a roundabout sort of way. Yeah, that got me. It still gets me. And holy shit (am I allowed to curse here?) do I hope it worked for her. I hope it worked for everyone, but damn me I really hope it worked for her.

Would you ever want to meet the donor families?

I wouldn’t object to meeting them if they wanted to meet me I suppose. But honestly I am mostly…unconnected to that.

I don’t have a burning desire to meet the children. Because they aren’t MY children. Not in any way that means anything to me. They have a bit of my biology, but so does that guy who was in a car accident and got some of the blood that I donated. I know it isn’t really the same, but it is to me a bit. I didn’t carry them. I didn’t get excited over seeing a heartbeat in their ultrasounds. I didn’t go through the pain of childbirth. I didn’t feed them or tuck them into bed or yell at them to do their damn homework. Their mom did. I am not their mom.

But I would understand if they were curious about me and wanted to meet me. And I would be ok with that I think. Although I would be afraid they would be disappointed. I am utterly ordinary.

Are you glad you did it?

Yes. Without hesitation, yes. There has never been a moment of regret, even in the cramping and not so pleasant aftermath of retrieval. And there never will be.

I gave 16 women a chance to have a family and I only wish it had been more, that I could have done more.

To tell or not to tell?

28 Friday Apr 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

donor conceived children, donor eggs, family secrets

I follow a blog by a women who has adult, donor conceived children. I found her when I was researching about donor eggs and her perspective and thoughtful insight helped me to make the difficult choices that lead me to the creation of my family.

She recently put out a post about whether or not you should tell you donor conceived children the truth about their biological origin. As you know from reading my blog I strongly believe that secrets are toxic and that we owe it to our children to tell them where they came from, and not least because it shows them how much they were wanted. BUT, it’s so painful to go back to that place of fear and sadness and loss. It’s so scary to expose that tender underbelly of longing, especially when we don’t know how they’ll react. But it’s so necessary.

The recent post was about a new booklet to help the parents of donor conceived children navigate the difficult conversations and emotional turmoil involved with telling. Here are a few quotes from her post, which I believe are quotes from the booklet.

As with all family stories, in the end it is not so much about what has happened but the way we are able to make sense of it that leads to being able to integrate it into part of who we are. If the story you tell your child is coherent and rings true (probably because of the emotion that accompanies it) it will be much easier for your child to take in and sooner or later see your perspective, alongside managing their own feelings.

Feelings of loss or confusion can come and go over the weeks, months and years for your children as well as for you. Sometimes they may feel fine and at other times they may not. Donor conceived adults may need independent counselling – somewhere they can express themselves completely honestly and confidentially – either in the first weeks after being told or sometime down the line. Your support of their need for this is likely to be welcomed.

Deciding to ‘tell’ is not without risk or anxiety, but many worthwhile things in life involve some risk-taking. After all, we grow as people as a result of making courageous choices. There is much to gain for everyone.”

I would encourage anyone with donor conceived children to get this booklet (I will as soon as it’s available!) and to follow the blog Olivia’s View.

Here is a copy of the recent blog post referenced above.

**EDIT – Shortly after I posted a got a comment from Olivia with additional information and resources. I copied it here for those who avoid the comment section (usually a savvy internet move, although not a problem in this space, thankfully).

Hi. this is Olivia from Olivia’s View. Thank you so much for quoting the section of Telling and Talking 17+ that I posted on my blog recently. I should add for your readers that THIS booklet is really intended for parents of donor conceived adults (over 17 year olds) who have not yet ‘told’ their children. I have also written Telling and Talking booklets for parents of 0 – 7, 8 – 11 and 12 – 16 year olds. They can all be downloaded for a small fee or bought in hard copy from DC Network
https://www.dcnetwork.org/catalog/books-and-pdfs

All the booklets are for parents and are supportive of ‘telling’ giving reasons why this is important plus practical guidance on timing and language to use. They are all illustrated with stories from real donor conception families.

It’s worth it

31 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, twins, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins, is IVF worth it, kids, twin

Sitting with my boys on my lap this morning I had a revelation – these people, these tiny human beings, only exist because I persisted. There were so many days I wanted to give up. There were so many times that I doubted my choices and questioned my path. There were so many hard choices that I made. If I had done things differently – if my courage had faltered, if my family hadn’t supported me, if my doctor had given up on me – these two amazing people wouldn’t exist.

Friends, it’s worth it. It’s so hard but it’s so worth it.

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And just like that, I melted.

24 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, fear

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, grandparents, questions about donor eggs

When we were considering using donor eggs I had a lot of questions. Would I love a DE child like I would a bio baby? Would that child love me as if I were a “real” mother? Would my parents and extended family view my children differently because they’re from DE?

This weekend my parents came to visit. We had told the boys they were coming and so when they finally showed up the boys were in a frenzy to see them. My parents were mobbed when they walked in – hugs and kisses and “I miss you” and “Nana and Papa home!”. My mom was on her knees with the boys wrapped in her arms and they were covering her with kisses when Ro said “Why Nana cry? Nana sad?” and I realized my mom was crying. She was so happy to she them she was crying. No doubt that those are her grandchildren and she doesn’t give a flip where the original cells came from.

Fast forward to last night – Z woke up wet at 1:30 am so I went in to change him. After I’d changed him and settled him back in bed I bent down to kiss his forehead and he wrapped his chubby little arms around my neck and said “Tank you mama. I love you.” That was the first ever unsolicited “I love you” from either of my boys, and just like that I melted. Every fear that I still secretly held deep in my heart evaporated. Every shot was worth it, every tear.

Yes, I love them for exactly who they are and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Yes, they love me.

No, my parents love them and their origins are irrelevant to the depth and intensity of that love.

Yes, I am their mother. I am a mother. I am a “real” mother.

Finally.

Guest post from another mom of donor conceived twins

08 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Guest Post, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

donor coneived twins, donor eggs, Infertility, twin mom, twins

Recently, another mother of donor conceived twins commented on one of my posts, and her story was so moving to me that I wanted to share it with you (with her permission). In particular, it was a relief for me to hear from a mother who has both a bio child and donor conceived children, as that’s a perspective I’ll never have. I thought you all might like to hear another perspective from a mom who’s been there.

Thank you Kelly, for sharing your incredible story with us.

I have a biological son who is now 19; I had him when I was 22 with my first husband. I developed secondary infertility, possibly due to endometriosis or due to the severe thyroid problems I developed with my first son, or some combination thereof. The end result is that I was never able to get pregnant again.

My first husband and I eventually split, and my current husband and I eventually got married. We got engaged knowing that I had infertility issues and we stopped using any protection during the year of our engagement so that we could go into medical treatment right after our wedding (but always hoping for that happy OOPS! – clearly that never materialized). We started off with 3 months of Clomid – nothing. Then 3 rounds of Clomid assisted IUI’s – nothing. Then 4 rounds of OE IVF – nothing.

When we first started, I had initially said that I wouldn’t consider using donor eggs, that if we got through our OE IVF, we would call it good and move on. Except… I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t ready to give up, and my husband, bless his heart, got right on board with it (the gut wrenching grief-from-the bottom-of my soul crying when we got the last negative call from the clinic may have made it an easy decision for him). We looked at both donor embryos (our clinic has an amazing embryo program with a money back guarantee if you don’t get pregnant in 3 attempts and has an 80% success rate) and donor eggs. However, my hubby really wanted that genetic connection, especially since I would still be carrying them. So, we moved forward with the DE.

I chose a donor purely on her physical attributes. I wanted someone with dark hair and eyes like me, and I wanted her to be tall, because I am really tall. I didn’t care about anything else, I just wanted to babies to at least be able to pass as mine. My husband’s sole request was that she be a proven donor.

Our fresh round failed, and at that point, I became convinced the issue was my uterus and not the eggs. I fell into a pretty heavy despair. My RE did a endometrial scratch, we did our transfer, and then I went back to work and promptly let it all go because I knew, without a doubt, that it would not work. Imagine my surprise when I got pregnant on that frozen round with our twin boys. I knew the very next day that something was different, but I refused to get my hopes up. I took a digital pregnancy test 8 days after the transfer and it immediately came up positive. It was so fast I didn’t even have time to pull my pants up. I literally set the test on the counter, stood up, and there it was – “PREGNANT”. At 11dp5dt my beta was 997, and my 2nd beta was over 2000. We knew we were having twins from that first test.

Having had a bio child and now 2 donor children, I am in a position to say that I don’t love my bio-son any more than I do my Twinks. They all came from me, and were all desperately wanted and loved.

As for looks…we got one who is my husband’s mini-me, from his looks to his temperament. And my husband and the donor both have dark hair, hubby has hazel-brown eyes, donor had brown eyes… and we got one baby who is blond and blue-eyed! We weren’t expecting that at all, lol. Everyone assumes he is a throwback to my dad’s side of the family as they are Danish and German and all fair and blue-eyed – people comment on it ALL THE TIME. To the point that I have given up reminding people that it can’t be possible, I just smile and nod my head and say thank you. However, I do like to think that my DNA turned those genes on and had some determination in their strong expression in him.

We registered on the donor sibling registry, and are in contact with the parent of one of our boy’s genetic half-sibling. It is only a couple of times a year, but it has been interesting. We are hoping to meet one day.

I don’t know how I feel about meeting the donor someday… conflicted, I suppose. I am so thankful for what she did… but I also have this fear of my boys wanting to get to know their donor. But, we decided before I even got pregnant that we would be honest with them from the get-go, and have books that we read to them (they are 17 months old) even now, and talk about it pretty openly in our house, with our family and friends. We have been very blessed that everyone in our lives was immediately open to and receptive of this idea, even people I thought were going to struggle with the idea. My family treats the boys just like they treated my older son.

It was a heart wrenching and long 3 year journey, but so worth it.

I love sharing my story with over DE moms so thank you for letting me do that.

Is it me?

17 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IVF, Miscarriage, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Infertility, stigma of infertility, talking about infertility, unexplained infertility

I have a question for you, dear friends. Is infertility more common than it used to be, are we more open to discussing it, am I just at the age where this is something many of my “tribe” are dealing with, or all of the above?

When I had problems getting pregnant I was the first person I had ever met who had been to a reproductive endocrinologist. A friend put me in touch with someone she knew who had recently done IVF and so I used her doctor. And when I was going through procedure after procedure and failure after failure I was the only one. I was alone. (Except for the vast internet – thank you again, internet). I was scared and ashamed. I felt isolated and alone.

Now every time I turn around I find someone who is struggling to get pregnant. And they’re not always just talking to me about it because they know of my situation. And especially now that I have the twins, no one outside of my circle has reason to suspect I had issues with fertility. Seriously, I’m going to list out some of the people in my life that are dealing with infertility, because the number of people I know IRL that are dealing with these issues is shocking to me. And this isn’t an exhaustive list!

My best friend from grad school was diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago. Successfully got pregnant after a regulated medicated cycle. (Age 33)
My sister was diagnosed with DOR but just had her second “miracle” baby. (Age 34)
My office mate from grad school’s wife had a recurrent hormone producing cyst on her ovary. Did 2 rounds of IVF and is currently pregnant with twins. (Age 36)
Another friend from grad school was diagnosed with PCOS. Had 2 losses, and now has a 1 year old son as the result of Clomid. (Age 38)
Found out yesterday that my college roommate has unexplained infertility. She successfully got pregnant after 2 rounds of Clomid. She wants another but her husband doesn’t want to go through the process again. (Age 39)
My cross fit trainers wife has DOR. They did 3 rounds of IVF and were unsuccessful. They are now the parents of 2 little girls that they adopted. (Age 26)
The lady that sat next to me on the plane last week had 5 rounds of IVF, 3 miscarriages, 1 living child.
My boss and his wife were never able to conceive despite fertility treatments (see my post about that)
Coworkers sister has been through multiple unspecified unsuccessful infertility treatments (more here)
Two different acquaintances are currently undergoing infertility screening as they have each been trying for more than a year to get pregnant without success. (Age 32 and 33)
My mom’s best friends middle daughter called me a few weeks ago because she’s starting her 3rd round of IVF and is (of course) terrified that it won’t work and they are considering donor eggs as a possible next step. (Age 28)
A friend from high school has 2 kids, both conceived using IVF. She has unexplained infertility. (Age 34 at time of first IVF treatment)

It seems like every time I turn around there is someone else who is dealing with infertility. Is it just me? Am I more in tuned with it now? Or is it my age? We all know fertility decreases when you get older but age 35 isn’t a cliff you fall off of into infertility. Or maybe, just maybe, is the stigma associated with infertility lifting a little?

What do you think?

A hierarchy to suffering?

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IUI, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

infertility guilt, IVF, pain of infertility, pregnancy loss, suffering, supporting women

My best friend got divorced this past Monday and I was her witness. I spent the night at her house so that I could distract and support her and so that we could arrive at court together. Another friend of hers joined us on Sunday night – a woman from her neighborhood who was set to undergo a double mastectomy on Tues. We were a jolly bunch!

During the course of the night this friend expressed something interesting. She told us that when she was with other woman who were breast cancer survivors or with women in the process of treating breast cancer she felt dismissed – her cancer wasn’t “bad” enough, she hasn’t had chemo or radiation, she hasn’t had a recurrence. She spoke of feeling terribly alone in her process because people without cancer didn’t understand, but people with cancer – presumably the folks who would know what she was feeling and experiencing and help her along the way – were not very supportive.

I can’t speak to the experience of having breast cancer or being a cancer survivor, but the description resonated with me because of its similarity to the infertility “hierarchy of suffering”. Here is a breakdown of many of the possible iterations of fertility issues –

You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant eventually.
You had a child (or children) but then experienced secondary infertility.
You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant with limited medical intervention (IUI, Clomid, etc.).
You got pregnant using IVF and it worked the first time.
You got pregnant using IVF after 2-3 tries.
You got pregnant and lost the baby but got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy.
You got pregnant using IVF but it required many rounds of treatment.
You experienced recurrent pregnancy loss followed by a successful pregnancy.
You got pregnant using donor eggs.
You have never successfully gotten or stayed pregnant.

If you’ve been around the infertility world for any length of time you could put these into an order, a hierarchy of suffering. And that order would be based on many things, including your own experience. I can shamefacedly admit that I’m guilty of being (inwardly) dismissive of some of these experiences, as if they have less importance or value than my personal experience. I think it’s natural to feel that people who have endured “less” than you can’t possibly understand the pain and anguish you’ve felt. How can a women who has never experienced the loss of pregnancy understand recurrent pregnancy loss? If IVF worked for you the first time how can you possibly understand what it’s like to endure round after round of unsuccessful treatment? While I think that these are natural reactions I also believe that we need to fight against this instinct. All of these scenarios are difficult. Women in all of these situations need and deserve our support. There should be no hierarchy to suffering – everyone has their own process, and everyone handles these challenges differently. My friend with DOR did 3 rounds of IVF without a successful pregnancy and happily moved on to adoption without regret and without giving it another thought. I did 3 rounds of IVF with 1 loss, successfully got pregnant using donor eggs and I am still suffering from grief, loss and shame.

As someone who has run the gamut of infertility and had to resort to something outside of the common experience even in this community (donor eggs) I fall high on the “suffering scale”. I am guilty of feeling that people who have had early success can’t possibly understand my process. I want to change that. I don’t want anyone facing infertility (or pregnancy loss) to feel like they don’t have allies in the community or to feel like they’re outsiders simply because they haven’t suffered enough. That’s ridiculous. So please, if you’re feeling isolated, if you’re feeling alone, if you’re scared and uncertain – get in touch with me. Leave a comment. I will stand by you and hold your hand. We should all be in this together.

I’ve got your back.

images

It never gets easier

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF, Pregnancy

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

DOR, IVF, PCOS, pregnancy jealousy

So, in case you were wondering, it never gets easier. Or at least it hasn’t for me yet.

My sister (who also has DOR) is scheduled to have her second, naturally conceived baby next month. And I couldn’t be more thrilled for her, and I couldn’t be more jealous.

And just now (literally 12 minutes ago) I just got a text from my BFF. She’s pregnant. Unexpectedly.

And I am ECSTATIC for her. She has PCOS and went through fertility treatment to conceive her son, and we had recently been talking about when they were going to try for another one – we had a long laugh about how “trying” meant something very different to us now then it used to. Trying means doctors, and needles and suppositories and dates with the dildo cam instead of wine and movies and sex and dates with our SO . And now she’s pregnant, which is a miracle and I am totally legitimately thrilled. But I’m also bummed. She was the one other person who sorta kinda got it. Of course, her babies are bio babies and so I have an entirely different level of emotional infertility shit to deal with, but still. I just can’t shake that sense of playground injustice that makes me want to stomp my feet and yell “It’s not fair!!!!”

Do I want another baby? Maybe? Probably not? But do I want to have that weird feeling in my stomach and pee on a test and be shocked to see two lines? YES. Do I want to plan a special surprise for my husband to tell him that we’re pregnant? YES. Do I still want a bio baby? YES. Do I love my boys any less because they’re not bio babies? NO.

At least now I’ve come to realize and embrace that I am big enough and complex enough and mature enough to have contradictory feelings at the same time. I can feel thrilled and bummed at the same time, and both of the feelings are real and legitimate. I can desperately want a bio baby and still know that I would never trade my babies for anything, even bio babies. I can be glad that my sister and my friend don’t have to go through IVF to conceive and still be pissed that I had to and they didn’t. Those feelings are ok. Now I just have accept that it’s going take more time, maybe a lot more time, for the infertility wound, in all of its many facets and manifestations, to fully heal. And as you know, I really really hate waiting.

A blog of a different name…

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ Leave a comment

Hi friends!

This blog, my infertility blog (Hope) is like my personal online diary that you guys all happen to read. I think of it kind of like when Harry Potter finds Tom Riddle’s journal and they talk and give each other advice and whatnot, except you guys are awesome and not at all evil! I never would have made it through this process without you. Truly.

VIyOYAzznHgYCH_1_hd

But I just can’t let people I know in real life read this blog. For lots of reasons. It’s too raw. Too close. Maybe one day, but that day isn’t today. Do you know what I mean?

So, in order to have a blog that I feel more comfortable sharing “publicly” (yes I’m aware that the internet is public, but you know what I mean) I’ve started a new blog. This one is documenting the joys and trials of having twins. If you want the link send me a message and I’ll send it to you.

When I was debating using donor eggs I went out looking for the “after” blogs. Were people successful? What was it like to have donor egg babies 2, 3, 7 years after the donation? Did it feel weird? Did they love the children the same? (I ask a lot of these questions in posts of years past). So I hope that this new blog can serve that function as well. I know how hard it is to read posts from the people who have been successful when you’re still struggling. You can be ecstatic for them and still not want to hear about it. I know. Trust me.

So, I’m still going to be posting here, and hopefully with more regularity now that things have settled down some. But I’ll also be over there, so please come and visit!

No, he doesn’t actually look like me.

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

donor egg, donor egg twins, epigentics, genes, Infertility, sisters, twins

I rarely think about the boys being the result of gamete donation. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind, kind of like the never-ending piles of laundry are always on my mind, but not in any real way. And I’ve even started talking with people outside of my immediate friend group about their unique conception history. Progress! After all, they say when you can tell your story without tears you have healed.

And then out of left field – BAM!!!

My sister is pregnant again, naturally and unexpected. I’m thrilled for her, in the way you can only be thrilled for your sister. And I am unbelievably jealous of her, in the way you can only be jealous of your sister. She has the same diagnosis as me and she’s the same age I was when I started infertility treatments. And she’s pregnant. AGAIN.

I would never wish what I went through on anyone, especially my baby sister. But COME ON LIFE! Really? *sigh*

And then, she randomly sends me a picture of her at 16 months next to a picture of her 16 month old (naturally conceived) bio baby so that I can compare how much they look alike. I burst in to tears right there waiting for the bus at the park and ride. Couldn’t even try to hide it. Just sudden, huge, overwhelming sobs. (And I couldn’t go hide in my car and take a later bus. I had to stand there, sobbing, waiting for the last bus of the morning. I’m sure everyone at the bus stop thinks I’m completely nuts). Because I can’t do that. I can’t compare myself with my boys. There’s no point.

It’s such a natural human instinct to look for ourselves in our children. To search for the continuity of our genes through time. Maybe it’s hubris or vanity. But to me, the one who can’t ever see myself reflected in my child’s eyes, it seems like looking for yourself in the face of god. To see yourself in this tiny perfect being – to be privy to the melding of you and your mate – it seems like a miracle. And it’s those little things that are hard.

The big things are easy. I love my little guys. All day long, every day, strong and true. Unconditionally. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am proud of my boys and happy and grateful to be their mama. But every time a stranger in the grocery store says “Oh how sweet, this one looks just like you! And this one must look like his daddy”, I think, “The joke’s on you lady! He doesn’t actually look like me at all” and then I have to smile and walk away quickly before the sense of loss brings tears to my eyes.

I think these feelings will start to fade too, eventually. And maybe one day that spot in my heart won’t be so sore. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some things can only be carried, but as my strength grows the burden feels less heavy. And in the meantime I will bask in the miracles that are my children, and thank the powers that be that I was strong enough and brave enough to do what was needed to bring them into this world.

Sorry for the radio silence

20 Saturday Feb 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, infertility success, kids of infertilituy, twins

Hello all! Sorry it’s been so long. Life keeps happening at warp speed. Here’s a quick breakdown of what’s happening with us before I start going on about my little dudes.

We moved across the country. Like, just picked up and moved. My husband got fired the first week of July and we moved before Aug. My post-doc was ending and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after that and I have been itching to get closer to family. My mama could not BE more thrilled. After we moved I played stay-at-home-mom for 4 months. I’m not very good at that, as it turns out. Hats off to all you SAHM’s because it’s hard as hard can be. I was simultaneously overwhelmed and bored to death. I made A LOT of apple pies.

Sooooo…I got a job! It happened to come along at just the right time. It’s with a non-profit that I’ve worked with for years and years and, while it’s not research, it’s in my field, I’m very good at it, it’s important work, it pays reasonably well and it has amazing benefits! Of course, I have an hour and half commute each way but you can’t have it all right? Now, on to my boys…

They are spectacular. First of all, they’re huge. They’re 99% and 97% for height and weight – they both wear 2T at 18 months and are about the size of the average 3 year old. Z started walking at 9 months and lazy Ro was content to sit on his fat bottom and watch the action until 10.5 months. Now, at almost 19 months they’re climbing, running, wrestling, and laughing. They both use sign language and they both are talking, mostly about poop. Z has always been fastidious about his diaper, so now when he soils it he comes to me, holds up his shirt and says “Poop, mama. Poop.” And if I don’t immediately spring to my feet he’ll go and get a diaper, lay it in my lap and then lean in close and look in my eyes and say “MAMA. POOP.” R is constantly chatting about ducks and dinosaurs and singing Old MacDonald (“e, i, e, i , mooooooo”). They have fights over who gets to sit in my lap – they both push each other and say “No! MY MAMA!”. My heart melts. Ro has a megawatt smile and knows how to use it, and Z is a sweet and gentle soul.

I have days where I cry that they’re not “mine”, but truthfully they couldn’t be more mine. I have days where the pain and process it took to get to where we are overwhelms me with both fear and gratitude-we were so close to giving up. I have days where I wish with all of my heart that I never have to tell them how they were conceived. But I have more days, many many many more days where I’m proud of their origins. I’m proud of the struggle. I’m proud that one day they will have definitive concrete proof of how much we wanted them and how much they were loved, before they were even conceived. I FOUGHT for them. And I’m proud of who they are. I wouldn’t trade them for bio babies EVER. THEY are my babies. And I am their mama.

I love Ro with all of my heart, but Z is mine. He was Baby B, snuggled up under my ribcage, right beside my heart. His hair is exactly the color of mine. His personality is me to a T. Last week, when my mom and aunt were visiting I heard them laughing downstairs while I was folding clothes. Turns out Z had taken the ribbon on my moms blouse and was using it to tickle his ear, which was what I used to do, in exactly that same way. I know about epigenetics, and I believe all of that stuff (mostly) but it is a balm to me to see him be like me in so many ways. I can’t look at them and try and find my nose, or my fingernails, or my toes, but I still see myself in them, and in Z in particular.

Don’t get me wrong, I love R. He’s a troublemaker, and a performer and a silly silly monkey! R loves everyone. He’ll go to everyone with a smile and hug. Everyone adores him. He has a modeling contract and has been relatively successful (less so now that I can’t take him to auditions obviously). People stop us in public to comment on what a beautiful child he is. Z is quiet. He hangs back until he’s sure of what’s going on. And then, when he’s comfortable, he’s a beam of sunshine. He took apart the coffee table when he was 11 months old. He has taken apart the baby gate once or twice and now when he starts to do I tell him “No Z-bone”, and he’ll get a big grin and then pretend to do it. I’ll start to stand up and he’ll laugh and say “No, Z-bone. Mama say no”. But he’ll stop, and then he’ll get a book and come crawl in my lap. He has his baby doll that he loves (below), and his kitty that he sleeps with. Ro has a blankie that goes everywhere with him, and he’s obsessed with shoes or “sues” and must put on all pairs within in sight. Which means his shoes, my shoes and then daddy’s shoes. All at once.

So I have the engineer and the actor, the thinker and the lover. My little boys. I have it all.

Update

13 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, fear, Musings

≈ 15 Comments

I know it’s been a million years since I’ve written – I’m so sorry! I’ve been so busy! This twins thing is nuts.

Let me begin by saying that they are more spectacular than I ever could have imagined. They are huge and healthy and beautiful. (There’s so much I want to say I can’t get my thoughts in order). They are wonderful. They are such a gift.

I still think of the donor every day. It still hurts. There are some days when I cry sad and bitter tears because they aren’t “mine”. I didn’t contribute (in the usual way) to the absolute miracle and wonder that are my boys. That being said, I also recognize on a deeper level that they would not exist without me. Some days I feel like the force of my will brought them into existence, and in some ways I guess it did.

I have struggled with many things these last few months – motherhood, lack of sleep, lack of confidence, breastfeeding, loneliness, fear…. In particular breastfeeding has been a struggle. Both babies were tongue-tied and we had to supplement from the start. R latches now and I’ve resigned myself to pumping for Z but I have struggled with disproportionate feelings of inadequacy due to my breastfeeding struggles. A few weeks ago I faced the fact that I was so set on breastfeeding because I subconsciously felt like it would make me more of a mother to them. I have realized that I have a hard time asking for help, or showing weakness or really compromising any of my motherhood “ideals” because I feel the need to prove (to them? myself? the world?) that I really and truly am their mother. I’m working through it, but it was a big realization for me. A hard fact to face.

That being said, I think I’m actually doing a pretty good at this mother thing. They are big and healthy – both are 26.5 inches long and they weigh 17 lbs 1 oz and 16 lbs 4 oz at 4 months. Z can roll over in both directions and has 2 teeth. R talks to everyone and lights up the room with his big gummy smile. He can stand up tall if you hold his fat little fingers. They babble to each and giggle with delight when the cats walk by. R will belly laugh if someone says “Mongolian BBQ” – don’t ask me why. Z is a champion napper but won’t sleep at night. R thinks naps are for amateurs but sleeps the whole night through.

They are amazing, and I can’t believe they’re mine.

They’re here!!

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs

≈ 16 Comments

R and Z

July 27, 2014

7 lb 6 oz and 7 lbs 1 oz and both 21 inches long

I made it to 1 day short of 38 weeks. I’ll tell the full story later, but in brief I had an emergency C-section followed by massive postpartum hemorrhaging. Despite the drama the babies were perfect, no NICU needed. Both had Apgars of 9.9. I’m finally out of the hospital and we’re all home and doing well. I’m still very weak from blood loss despite many transfusions and breastfeeding is challenging (Z is tongue-tied and can’t latch) but we are thrilled and adjusting to being home. They are such weird, crazy little dudes!

Chubby babies!

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, pregnant after infertility

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins

Just got our wellness check. Each baby weighs 6 lbs 3 oz (!) and looks healthy – good heart rates and both are practicing breathing which is a good sign for lung development. Both are still breech, chilling with their heads together under my right ribcage and their butts in my pelvis. I’m 48″ around, no sign of gestational diabetes and my blood pressure is 112/68, but that will be increasing dramatically if these fat, wiggly babies don’t vacate sometime in the near future. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks….(and at that point we’ve probably avoided the NICU). Grow babies grow!! And then come out and meet your family. We’re ready for you!!

I am legion

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, fear, pregnant after infertility

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor egg, donor egg pregnancy, infertility struggle, pregnant with twins

No offense intended to anyone with religious leanings, but now that my body very clearly contains 3 separate people with their own personalities, thoughts (and especially) sleep schedules the title just seems to fit.

I’ve been strangely “unbusy”. I find that I can lay for hours on the couch in a semi-awake daze – something my overactive brain has never once in my entire life allowed me to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things that need doing, I just have ZERO drive or motivation to do any of them. My baby brain is bad. I didn’t do anything – work, manuscript writing, housework – last week. I just….couldn’t. I would open a document to start working, have a contraction, lay down and then go to sleep. Wake up, eat, watch soccer, remember I was supposed to be working and lay down again. This is totally unlike me.

I’ve physically gotten to the point where I make other people visibly uncomfortable. Even the saleslady at Motherhood told me to go home and stay home when I went in to get measured for nursing bras. So, the only time I’ve really been out the house for the last week or two has been to go to child birthing classes. I went to a breastfeeding class and a birthing center tour at the hospital where I’ll deliver, and the last 2 Sat.’s we went to birthing classes – one at the hospital and one at a local birthing center. BTW, I highly recommend taking those kinds of classes. Even my husband agreed that they were useful and says he feels much more confident now. At the “hippie-dippie” natural birthing class (as my husband called it) I just jumped right in during introductions and told them that I was pregnant with fraternal twins as a result of egg donation. The teacher and one of the other ladies then both said they had (or were having) children as a result of IVF. During the break several couples came up to us and asked very good and thoughtful questions about how we arrived at that decision and what the process was like. And, of course, everyone had a story about a sister/friend/aunt/cousin who was infertile and how hard their struggle was. Granted, this was by its very nature a supportive environment, but I was quite pleased that my first foray into “telling strangers” went so well.

Anyway, the babies are really big and I am super uncomfortable. They’re also very active which is great, but they’ve actually split my abdominal muscles in 3 places from all of their squirming, which isn’t so great. The nursery is finished (I think) and we have just about everything ready to go. My bags are packed for the hospital. My birth plan is ready. Now all we have to do it hope and pray that Baby A will turn head down so that I can at least TRY to implement my birth plan. I really want to try and do this “pioneer style” – no meds at all, completely naturally if possible. I know people think I’m crazy, and it may end up (for any number of reasons) that this won’t happen, but I feel like the whole conception process, as grateful as I am for it, was so medically orchestrated and outside of me that I want this to be just me. Me and my husband and our babies. I want to feel it all. Maybe I’m looking for some extra legitimacy – some additional “I carried you and birthed you and I am your mother” fodder for down the road, I don’t know. I just feel strongly that I at least want to try. I want to prove to myself that my body isn’t broken. I felt for so long like I was defective, like less of a woman, because I couldn’t get pregnant. Now that I’ve watched my body grow these babies I want to, once and for all, wipe away those feelings of defectiveness and feel powerful. I want to prove to myself (and to my boys and my husband) that just because I couldn’t do one little thing (like produce a viable egg) doesn’t mean I am any less of a mother or a woman. Wow. Writing that down it becomes clear to me that the only person I need to prove that to is myself. Huh.

Here’s the latest bump picture – my mom says I look like a mongrel dog with the big belly and the protruding ribs (not as visible in this picture as in real life). hahaha! I swear, I’m eating constantly, but these little fellas are just sucking it out of me. I’ve currently gained just shy of 50 lbs, so I’m on track for weight gain, I’m just ALL BABIES.

Update on all the things

07 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

carpal tunnel, pregnancy

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate your kind words. It’s very heartening to know that there are people out there going through the same (or similar) issues – even though I wish none of us had to deal with this stuff. Anyway, thanks!

Now for an update on the babies! We had a growth scan on Tues which was right at 30 weeks. Baby A is measuring 31 weeks 5 days and is 3 lbs 9 oz. Baby B is measuring 30 weeks 6 days and is 3 lbs. 4 oz. They have always been within an oz of each other so I was concerned about the difference but the midwife said it was great for them to be measuring this close at this stage. Heart rates look good. Both are still transverse but I’m hoping hard for Baby A to turn so I can try to give birth “pioneer style” as my husband would say. The midwife thinks I’ll make it to 36 weeks if I’m careful.

I am measuring 49 weeks *gulp* and it’s starting to get really hard. I have severe carpal tunnel in both hands from the swelling, I’ve gained 43 lbs (which is more than 1/3 of my previous body weight) and I have an “irritable uterus”. Apparently, when you shove a bunch of big babies into your uterus it gets kinda pissed off, which seems totally reasonable to me. But, the result is that I have a combination of almost constant Braxton-Hicks (which started at 5.5 months), “rock hard uterine contractions” (not the clinic term – it’s when the contraction kind of freezes and the uterus stays hard and tight for several hours), and “real” but disorganized contractions. The kind that wrap around and hurt, a lot. The doctor is monitoring me closely and I’m trying hard to take it easy but the things that make the contractions worse are completely ridiculous. For instance, dehydration – even slight dehydration – really gets them going. As does a full bladder. As does the act of urinating. Someone please tell me how I’m supposed to manage those 3 things? In Phoenix? In the summer? Gah!

But, the crazy thing is that I can now (mostly) identify the baby parts that I see poking out of my belly. Tiny fists, feet, forearms, heads….it’s a total trip. Space is getting pretty limited so the hard kicks are slowing down and the boys are mostly just wiggling and poking now.

And…..a quick update on the home front situation. My husbands ex-wife is finally in jail. For those of you just tuning in – my husbands ex is crazy nuts. I know, I know, that makes me sound like a shallow, jealous new wife, but I am oh-so-serious. She is in jail for trying to burn her father’s house down WITH HIM INSIDE. At 9:30 AM on a Tues, like you do. She was drunk, on cocaine and Xanax and 11 weeks pregnant (and knew she was pregnant). Also, she’s 41. So, felony malicious arson of an inhabited structure, arson of property (for his truck), conspiracy to commit arson (she was with some guy she met at Joe’s Crab Shack the night before), use of an accelerant, and there may be an attempted murder charge thrown in for shits and giggles. And now is NOT the time to be on trial for arson in San Diego County! And only she could manage to get arrested in front of her kid from 500 miles away. They were Facetiming when the police arrested her. The US Marshal called my husband and said “You might want to talk to your kid. She was on the screen when we arrested her mom.” Of course, he was out-of-town so the “your mom got arrested and is in jail” conversation fell to me.

Anyway, H-bomb (my pet name for crazy lady) had not exercised her visitation rights, well, ever, so A hadn’t seen her since Thanksgiving (court ordered supervised visitation for 4 hours every other weekend). However, we still had to pay child support to facilitate her travel to see her daughter for visitation. ??? But, FINALLY upon her arrest the judge cancelled child support and H-bomb will have to pay back the support for the previous 6 months (which was part of the original order).

Strangely, A seems fine with it all. I explained (in very general terms) what her mother had done (Mommy broke the grown up rules, which are called laws, and now she has to face the consequences, which means she has to live in jail now. We don’t know for how long yet, etc). She asked a few questions, thought about it a bit, asked a few more questions and then she was good. I explained that she probably wouldn’t ever live with her mom again, to which she replied “That’s ok, I don’t want to live with her. It’s safer here. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes”. I asked her how she felt and she said “Disappointed. Why can’t she get it together? Why does she always have to do bad things?”. We took her to the child psychologist who said she seems fine and happy and well-adjusted, and she won the “Happiest” award for 3rd grade at her school. So, we’re doing what we can. If anyone has any experience with kind of thing let me know, because we’re just muddling through as best we can!

30 weeks, choices

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, fear, IVF, Pregnancy

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, pregnant, twin boys

Ever since I got pregnant (4th IVF, using donor eggs for those of you just joining the convo) I’ve been struggling with what to do with this blog. Do I keep it? Start a different blog? Abandon it altogether?

Because I know how hard it is to see someone be successful in this process – even though you’re completely happy for them it’s terribly difficult. I know how awful it is to keep failing and watch everyone else succeed. It is really, really hard – demoralizing even. You go from being comrades, survivors, confidants to feeling (for me at least) on the outside, once again. Sonograms, doctor visits, bump pictures – they hurt. Believe me, I know. So if you have to unfollow me at this point I absolutely understand, and I don’t take it personally.

It’s just that the more I think about why I started this blog in the first place the more I feel that I need to continue my story here, because my story isn’t over, not by a long shot! The reality is that I am pregnant with 2 little boys as the result of egg donation. I’m ok with that. My husband is ok with that. My family, his family, our close friends – all “A-OK”. It’s the rest of the world I’m worried about. And some days it’s still hard. As I get bigger I get more and more questions about what we think they’ll look like, who we think they’ll take after, etc. And that’s only going to get worse after they’re born. I’m getting better at fielding the questions, but every so often I get really, really sad that I don’t have a genetic link with these babies (I know about epigenetics – I’m talking about a classic genetic link). I’m learning that, as happy as I am to have these little guys and as much as I already love them, there will always be an ache, a sore spot. And that’s ok. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or a bad mother. It makes me human. I didn’t get my fairy tale. What I did get was life – real, visceral, in-your-face reality. And I earned these babies with blood, sweat and tears – literally. And I think that’s an important story to tell. And I know that I, my sons, my whole family, will struggle with this for years to come. We will be honest with the boys about their conception, but that’s a story that has to be told and retold, made and remade for years and years. And it’s a complicated, emotional and difficult story for everyone involved. It’s going to be hard.

Certainly, folks have navigated these waters before and there are far more resources than there used to be, but it’s hardly commonplace. When I was researching donor eggs I had a hard time finding anything personal, most information was from clinics. And I didn’t just want to know the logistics – how to choose a donor, what meds to take, cost – I wanted to know how it all turned out. Did the donor conceived kids turn out ok? Did they feel like a family? Did the parents love them like their own? Did the parents dwell all the time on the differences between them and their children? Did they spend time looking for the donor in each mannerism? Or were these kids just kids like any other kids? And on and on and on…. So, I’m going to keep this blog so that anyone who is considering the same path I have taken can know how it all turned out – start to finish.

And with that, here is the obligatory bump picture – 2 days shy of 30 weeks pregnant with fraternal twin boys.

I’m back!!

28 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

twin boys from donor egg

Sorry for the lengthy absence – I’ve been busy! But, I have lots of news.

1) I finished my Ph.D!! It has been a race to the finish and some of the worst weeks of my life but it’s done! Hurray!!

2) And now for the news you’ve all been waiting for…..we did a gender reveal party at the end of March. No one knew the genders except my friend D. She baked 100 cupcakes (half chocolate with white icing for Baby B and half white with chocolate icing for Baby A) and then she filled each one with frosting in either pink or blue. We had a big party with all of our friends (my whole family Facetimed in) and then we all bit into A and then into B. Drum roll please…….

2 BABY BOYS!!!!!!

Gender reveal cupcakes – 2 boys!!

And they are growing like crazy! They are both measuring 2 weeks ahead and are only ounces apart. I’m 25 weeks tomorrow and I’m measuring at almost 38 weeks. I’ve gained 40 lbs and it’s almost all in my belly. I’m huge! It’s nuts!! I still have moments when I can’t believe I’m pregnant. The midwife says I’m carrying “high and tight”. The boys are kicking hard enough now that you can see it from the outside, and my step-daughter walks around with her hands always on my stomach, squealing when she feels her brothers. It’s so joyful, and exhausting. After all this time waiting for babies and wishing for babies I am overcome. Here’s some baby faces for you.

22 weeks

I think about the donor a few times a week, mostly when people ask me if I think they’ll have red hair. I still have some disappointment that these boys aren’t genetically related to me – I think that will always be there – but they are my babies through and through.

In somewhat unrelated news my husband (who has barely even heard of Harry Potter) has decided he wants to name them Fred and George. Really? Potentially red-haired boy twins named Fred and George? I keep trying to explain why this is unacceptable but he is unfazed. For my part, I want to name them Ezra and Micah, but S says they’d turn out to be dirty hippies! Jokes on you big guy-you married a dirty hippie! So,no name resolution yet.

AND IN OTHER NEWS….MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!! You know, the sister who offered to donate her eggs and was told (5 months before her wedding no less) that she also had DOR and was unlikely to ever conceive. Yeah, her. NATURALLY. They started trying and 8 months later – 2 pink lines. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Truly. Not one bit of jealousy or animosity. I wouldn’t wish this process on anyone, especially not my baby sister. And my mother – I think her head is going to explode. She went from being told she was unlikely to ever have any grandchildren to expecting 3 grandbabies within 4 months of each other. My dad is planning to retire since, he says, mom isn’t ever going to be at home again.

Anyway, just wanted to give a brief update. Now that I’m not writing/revising 18 hours a day I’ll have more time for updates – baby showers and nursery things are coming soon. In the meantime I’ll leave you with some bump pictures…

17 weeks

20 weeks

21 weeks

22 weeks

23.5 weeks

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

12 weeks 1 day, baby bunp, bump photos, donor egg twins, twin bump picture, twins

I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.

5.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

11 weeks

13.5 weeks

Baby A at 12 weeks 1 day

Baby B at 12 weeks 1 day

Our Facebook announcement

: 14 weeks

Allegory of the Cave

17 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF, Musings, pregnant after infertility

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

blogging as therapy, pregnant after infertility, prenatal depression

This post has been marinating my brain for a while. I know what I want to say, but I can’t seem to find the right words so I’m just going to jump right in. I know these thoughts aren’t terribly profound, and you’re not likely to stand up and say “Wow, I’m so enlightened now” but I feel like it’s an important thing to acknowledge.

I think the dark days are mostly over. All of the stressors are still in place, but the overwhelming fear and anxiety and frustration are (mostly) gone. Which is interesting, because I started to immediately feel better after my last post. It seems that the very act of acknowledging and articulating my fears and frustrations drained the “poison” from the wounds. Like I said, not profound – after all this is the reason that talk therapy works, the reason people confess their sins, the reason people pray. But nonetheless I felt a profound sense of relief. And I received overwhelming support. It was like I was chained in Plato’s cave and by recognizing my fears and asking for help you all shined your collective lights into the shadows and helped me to accept and validate that my fears, while real, weren’t nearly as frightening as I imagined.

Isn’t it interesting? I have such profound love and gratitude for a group of people that I don’t even know. I could pass you in the grocery store and we wouldn’t recognize each other. And yet you have been a tremendous source of support to me. I have read your comments over and over again, even when I didn’t have the words to reply. I started this blog on a whim, as a way to document my journey (rather like an electronic diary) and hopefully to help anyone else who found themselves in a similar position. To be honest the fact the people even read this little blog is still shocking to me. And it has turned into a lifeline. There’s a lot of chatter about how social media is taking the “social” out of society and that may be true. But the interwebs also offer the amazing opportunity to connect with people you would never otherwise know. It has given me the space to be complete honest and uncensored, without fear (well, without much fear) of judgement. It is an invaluable resource. YOU are an invaluable resource. Thank you for sharing my journey. And I am honored to be able to share yours.

Now for an update…

I graduated from the RE last week. We had our last ultrasound at 9 weeks 2 days and Baby A was measuring 24 mm (9w 1 d) and Baby B was measuring 26mm (9w 3d). Both had nice strong heartbeats. Baby A was sleeping but we got to see Baby B wiggling around, which was an immensely satisfying moment for me. My next appointments are on Jan 27 (with the Ob) and Jan 29 (for an ultrasound and to test for Down’s).

I’ve actually started telling people. It’s earlier than I would have liked, but inevitable. I popped. At 9.5 weeks. I’m showing. I’m still in that “is she pregnant or is she chubbing up?” phase, but to anyone who knows me at all it’s clear that I’m not just chunking up. I don’t have a really small frame but I am relatively thin and fit so the pooch is very obvious, even under bulky sweatshirts (which are themselves suspicious since it’s 75 degrees out). The reception has been heartwarming, with the notable exception of my Ph.D. advisor, who was lukewarm (but that was still loads better than I expected).

My mother is over the moon, and actually reached out to a friend of hers from college whose daughter did IVF (not DE, but there’s not really that many of us). She tells everyone she meets that her daughter is pregnant with twins and when they sometimes ask “Naturally?”, she says “No, they struggled for a long time with infertility and found success doing IVF”. She doesn’t mention DE, which is fine as it’s a bit much for casual conversation, but I am so pleased that she doesn’t seem to view of the method of our conception as anything but a selling point. She seems to have adopted the attitude that anyone can have a baby, but that her child had to fight for her babies, and that makes her proud.

Recently I was corresponding with a friend who is also pregnant from DE, and she asked me if I ever think of the donor. I do. But not often. These are my babies, not hers. The importance of her role in this process can not be overstated, and I will always be grateful to her beyond belief. But all of the doubts and concerns I had about doing DE are almost totally gone. Like I said – these are my babies. I am building them out of my own blood, sweat and tears (and vomit, lots of vomit).

I’m excited to be pregnant. I’m scared, but in the normal way. My husband has finally relaxed and allowed himself to believe that these might actually be living breathing children in our arms one day. We’re talking about cribs and strollers and co-sleeping. But I still feel suspended between 2 worlds – not really part of the pregnant lady club (after all I snuck into their fete through an unlocked back door) but no longer really part of the infertility tribe (although I am still infertile – I have DOR and still am unable to have my own biological children – I just found a work around). I’ve chased down the many resource y’all sent for “pregnant after infertility” and am working to understand and integrate into that community. But in truth I still feel like a pregnancy impostor. The experiences of the women in my prenatal yoga class are unbelievably foreign to me. They seem so relaxed and natural about their pregnancies…what must that be like? But, that is a post for another day…

Boo-hoo, by mybrokenoven

03 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Musings

≈ 13 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and that’s because I’m really struggling. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with what’s happened – don’t worry, the babies are fine.

We had our second ultrasound and both babies were measuring exactly on track (7 weeks 3 days) and had HRs of 144 and 153. I found a doctor, or more precisely a group of midwives and doctors, who will take care of my prenatal stuff. I went to my appointment with them and really liked the midwife I saw and the practice.

So, my struggles. This is the hard part, and I have so much to say. And so much of what I have to say makes me feel stupid, and shallow and ungrateful. *sigh*

I feel awful. Really really awful. I swore I would never complain about pregnancy because I was always so angry at those women who complained. I wanted to be like “STFU, you’re pregnant. Be grateful.” But the constant nausea and vomiting (10-15x a day) really wears you down in both body and spirit. The doctor finally put me on Zofran because I couldn’t keep anything down. Of course, Zofran has very unpleasant side effects and those are in full force.
We just moved. The house is nice, much bigger and brighter and cleaner than our old place but it’s not home. I’m not comfortable here. I keep waking up and wanting to go home, but I’m not sure where home is anymore. It makes me sad. Plus, there’s a ton to do and I have zero energy or inclination to do any of it. Which means DH has done most of it and is very resentful. Gotta love that.
My family is far, far away. My mom, dad and sister came out to visit for Christmas, and the day they left I thought my heart would break. I had panic attacks all night. I don’t want to have my babies far away from my family. I don’t want them to only know my extended family (who all live on the same farm where I grew up) from holidays and family reunions. I want to go home. I want to raise my babies at home.
We got full custody of my step-daughter and her mother committed herself to a mental hospital after trying to burn her fathers house down (with him inside). No joke. Not a Jerry Springer episode. MY LIFE. So, I’m glad we have her and I’m glad she’s safe but going from no kids to a poorly mannered and somewhat out of control 8 year old with no chance of a break is difficult. Us having her full time with every other weekend visitation to her mom is one thing – this is completely different. She is driving me absolutely nuts. DH doesn’t help the situation because he’s never really been a parent to her and is still in “disney-land dad” mode. She is spoiled and whiney and doesn’t follow rules and he doesn’t help me enforce them. When my sister was here for the holidays she was appalled at her behavior. I try to talk to DH about it but he completely blows me off. Every day I shut myself in my closet and cry because I am so unhappy having her here, which makes me feel like an awful, horrible person. She’s 8 and she’s adjusting fine. I’m 37 and I’m falling apart.
Because I am so frustrated with my step-daughter and the situation I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have children at all. Will I resent them? Am I bad person? Will I be a bad mother? How will I manage with 2 infants and this child who doesn’t listen with no help from my husband? I feel like I can’t talk to my husband – he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t understand. And after seeing him full time with my step-daughter I have serious doubts as to his judgement and parenting abilities. And that scares me to death.
Financially, things are unstable. Between custody lawyers and IVF we are in serious debt. And I’m graduating and will need a job, but who will hire me when I’m pregnant? And what about after I have the babies? What then?
I thought that being an older parent would be helpful – I’ve gotten the partying out of my system, I’m (maybe) more patient, have more life experience. But in reality one of the things I’m struggling with is that I have spent a long time carefully crafting my life. I liked my life – travel, friends, gatherings – freedom. And now I feel like that life is ending forever and I’m panicking. What is WRONG with me? No babies could be more wanted than these babies! I went to hell and back to get these babies! And now that I’m finally pregnant I’m worried about my life ending? Enter the guilt. What is wrong with me? How can I possibly be feeling this way? I know so many people who give anything to have this chance and I’m being selfish and petty and immature!! But I can’t help it. I just…feel like that.

The overall idea, I think, is that I am unhappy and overwhelmed. Too much has changed too quickly and I am not good with change even at the best of times. I don’t know if crazy pregnancy hormones are partially to blame or not, but this isn’t how I thought it would be. I’m not excited, or even hopefully. I’m scared and panicked. And there’s no one to talk to. The infertility community is fantastic! There is so much love and support, so many people who can empathize and understand and commiserate.

There is no “pregnant after infertility” community. Because there’s that angle too – I feel what I can only describe as survivors guilt. I feel guilty that I’m pregnant and other people who have struggled even more than me, aren’t. I don’t want to tell people I’m pregnant because I’m worried one of them may be going through infertility and it may be hurtful to them. I’m scared of losing one or both of the babies. Infertility has made me pessimistic and fearful and I have no outlet for those feelings anymore. And I feel guilty for feeling all of things I listed above. I’m a big, sad, pathetic, scared, panicky, whiny sack. Boo-fucking-hoo, by mybrokenoven.

Drum roll please…

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins, early heartbeat, fetal heartbeat, twins, ultrasound 5 weeks 6 days

2 babies with 2 heart beats!!! I am over the moon!!

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality – I’ll post better later)

We went in for the ultrasound and DH was so nervous he was on the verge of tears. I thought he was going to punch the doctor as he was making small talk about his weekend, and us moving to a new house and the holidays blahblahblah. As I’ve been non-stop nauseous with occasional vomiting and extreme exhaustion I was less nervous and more excited. I told the doctor I thought there were 2 and I knew where they were in my uterus. He scoffed at me but I showed him anyway. Anyway, in goes the dildocam and immediately we could see the 2 sacs (right where I said they’d be, by the way). The first thing the doctor said was “Well, I’m glad you got a bigger house.” Yolks both measuring 4 mm, Baby B slightly smaller than Baby A – Baby A exactly on track at 5 weeks 6 days. And then…then…the flickers. I could only see it for a split second because that was the moment where I lost my shit and started sobbing on the table. Their tiny little hearts were beating. DH got a little misty eyed too, and he’s a straight up stoic kinda man’s man.

So, Baby A’s heart rate is 98 and Baby B’s is 88. I was concerned about Baby B’s being so much slower but the doctor said that seeing any heartbeat this early is excellent – he’s doesn’t expect to see them until 6 weeks 2-3 days. Plus, I know when both babies implanted (I know I sound nuts, but I felt it) and Baby B implanted 14-16 hours later than Baby A. So, to me it makes sense that he’d be a little behind. We go back in for another ultrasound on Dec. 27 and then I graduate to a real Ob-Gyn. (Which I haven’t picked yet – I get most of my medical care through the university, so I don’t have a regular Ob like most folks).

Also, it’s my dad’s birthday and I knew he and my mom were going crazy waiting to hear. So I made up a little birthday song (which he was quite annoyed with until I got to the end) – “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Grandpa Dean, the number of babies is ……….. 2!” Then there was a lot of whooping and hollering and hooting. As it turns out my dad had been with a patient (he’s an eye doctor, my mom and my best friends mom are his office staff since they retired) and they had all run in to his office to hear the news when they saw it was me calling. And as it turns out the patient was my third grade teacher, so that’s kinda cool (I told you I’m from a small town, right?).

I can’t even believe it. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and lord knows I’ve had my heart broken right along with friends who have lost pregnancies after seeing the heartbeat (my heart is still breaking for you Unexpected), but it’s one more hurdle closer to the goal.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support – it’s such a wonderful feeling to have people to share this with (since we’re not telling anyone outside of family and close friends and apparently elementary school teachers). Ya’ll rock my world!

Beta #3 – 3722!!!

08 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Betas, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

beta, beta tripled, low beta then high beta

I can’t thank you all enough for your support! Seriously, I’ve been losing it, and y’all have been beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank. Thank you for pulling me through. As much as family and friends offer love and support no one really knows what it’s like to be in these situations, and how difficult it is – how difficult the whole infertility thing can be. And you guys get it. Your opinions and support are invaluable to me.

When the Doctor called and told me the new number and said he was totally baffled by the second beta. I asked him what it could be and he said he had no idea but that everything looked great and I shouldn’t worry. He said I don’t need another beta, and I go in for an ultrasound after I get back from my conference.

What do you guys think? Lab error? Something went wrong and corrected itself? Vanishing twin? Here are the betas –

8 AM 9dp5dt – 586
8 AM 11dp5dt – 697 (doubling time 191 hours)
8 AM 13dp5dt – 3372 (doubling time 19 hors)

Well, whatever the reason – I’ll take it!

Beta #2 – Oh no.

06 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Donor Eggs

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

beta not doubling

Beta #2 – 697. It went from 586 to 697 in 2 days. Is it over?

Symptoms – ’cause I got ’em

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

1dp5dt, 2dp5dt, 2WW, 3dp5dt, 4dp5dt, best pregnancy test, Dollar Store pregnancy test, early pregnancy symptoms, First Response Early Result, implantation cramps, implantation pinching, light FRER, successful donor egg

At 10:30 AM on Nov 24th they transferred 2 5AA blasts in to my broken oven (get it? get it?). Although I guess really my oven is fine, it’s my eggs that are broken… I know some of you are going to think I’m crazy, but I swear I felt implantation and I’ve been pretty convinced since then that this cycle worked. Anyways, here are my “symptoms” broken down by day (I’ve been keeping a journal).

0dpt – At 5:30 PM I felt a strong pinching on the lower left side of my uterus which continued, on and off, for the rest of the night. 80% sure this cycle is a go. (*Side note – one thing IF teaches you is exactly where your uterus and ovaries are)
1dpt – Continued pinching and slight cramping at the same spot in my abdomen as well as 2-3 minutes of pinching in the upper right area of my uterus. I am convinced now that this is implantation. In the PM I start to develop stronger cramps (not in a specific location). 90% certain this is working.
2dpt – Hard to get out of bed, very tired even after 9 hours of sleep. In the shower my wrist brushed my right nipple and I gasped with shock b/c it was so sensitive, totally surprised myself (and left one was normal, wth?). Wasn’t on the look out for symptoms so this shocked me. In the afternoon I had no increased sensitivity in my nips. Continued cramping on the lower left in particular and the whole lower abdominal area in general. By 5 PM my lower abdomen felt heavy and full, like it does in the hours before AF starts. All day I felt weird and “floaty”, but the progesterone (Endometrin and lozenges) makes me tired and kind of out of it so this may be nothing. However, I’ve been on progesterone for almost a week and haven’t felt this way before. I pee’d on an OPK, just because I had it in my desk at work (who the hell knows why?) and because I like to pee on sticks. It was, of course, negative. (But I still enjoyed it). I “feel” pregnant today. 100% sure of this cycle being the one.
3dpt – AM – Nothing. No symptoms. No cramping, no “floaty” feeling, a little bit of a heavy tummy, but not nearly so much as yesterday. A few tiny cramps in the mid-afternoon, and a bit of backache (but that’s not unusual). Because I’m a crazy baby lunatic who can’t think of anything but my uterus I pee’d on a stick at 12:30, which was of course a BFN. Didn’t actually dampen my spirits at all as 99.8% of me knew it would be BFN. By 6 PM the heavy lower tummy feeling was back along with cramping and lower back ache. I am exhausted (but I also have all of my in-laws staying at my house and have been cooking and cleaning all day). Also, constipated. Because I’m gross and crazy and a POAS junkie I looked at the old test before I went to bed and there was the very faintest whisper of a second line. So, I got out a Dollar Store test and got a BFN. Still, I’m 90% positive I’m pregnant.
4dpt – I woke up at 4:00 AM with what felt like a side stitch on the left side of my lower abdomen. Had a backache and was crampy all night. Sat on DH’s lap right after he ate some pizza at lunch, and his breath smelled so bad/strong I ran into the bathroom gagging. Since I was in there anyway I pee’d on a stick (FRER*) and within a minute there was a faint but clear BFP (below)!! Still no boob symptoms (soreness, veins, sensitivity, etc), no metallic taste. I have bad AF type cramping and a backache and I’m am SUPER irritable, which is weird because I’m also super happy. But seriously, everyone is annoying the crap out of me. Starting to feel bloated, still constipated (you’re welcome!). Pee’d on a Dollar Store test at 8 PM and got a very faint positive. As I was going to bed I got tingly nips.
5dpt – Had a hard time sleeping last night because of the backache (but that’s not too unusual for me – stupid tight hamstrings). Pee’d on a FRER this morning at 8 AM (FMU) and and the line is twice as dark as it was yesterday (!). Below is the light FRER from 4dp5dt at 11 AM, and the FRER from 5dp5dt at 8 AM (FMU). Same symptoms continue – mainly cramping. In the early evening I got REALLY dizzy. I feel like the sensitivity of my skin has increased because my face wash burns, but that may just be my imagination. Got a positive on a $ Store test and a CVS Early Response (mid-day and PM).
6dp5dt – Lines are getting darker!! Still a little crampy, full feeling abdomen, backache. Super nauseous for a few minutes.

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

7dp5dt – Ran out of FRER’s. Dark positive on a CVS One Step with FMU. Backache and crampy. Still no boob-type symptoms or food aversions. Looked at a calendar and realized my beta is on Tues, not Mon! Grrrrr…..
8dpt – Not much to report. Cramping is almost gone except for occasional twinges, backaches still lingers. I’m getting episodes of mild nausea, especially if my stomach is empty but food is terribly unappetizing. Tests keep getting darker. I’ve included a picture from this morning of a Dollar Store Assure Brand test and a CVS Early Response, both done with the same FMU. The CVS test I took 2 days ago was very light (never get the blue dye tests) so the dark line on that is particularly satisfying.

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

I have endlessly googled early pregnancy symptoms so I’ll just keep adding to this same post until the day of my beta (which is Monday – 9dp5dt), so that I can repay the favor for those of you looking for symptoms.

I know cautious optimism is called for here, but I feel really confident about this “Squatchy-ness”. My symptoms have been strong the whole time and implantation happened early. The dark lines up there make me feel better. I think Tues (beta day) is going to be a good day!

*I have linked to the First Response Early Result tests that I used on Amazon. This is an affiliate link, which means that if you buy from them I get a little $. However, you may be able to find them cheaper elsewhere so please shop around. Regardless, the FRER tests were the best in terms of sensitivity, although you can’t beat the Dollar Store brand for price! (And they were reliable as well).

I found Bigfoot!! BFP!!!

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

4dp5dt bfp, donor eggs, faint line FRER

It’s still light, but it is crystal clear.

I tested yesterday at 1 PM (I know, I know) and it was BFN. But as I was getting ready for bed I glanced over at the counter where I had laid the HPT and there was a whisper faint “you can see it in the right light if you turn your head and squint maybe” second line. I know better than to make too much of that but it was still…interesting, especially at 3dp5dt.

Today (4dp5dt) after lunch I was sitting on my husbands lap and the smell of pizza on his breath was so strong and awful (sorry baby, not your fault) that I ran into the bathroom gagging. Poor DH! Decided that was as good a time as any to POAS, and the double line came up within a minute. Let’s pray that line keeps getting darker!

Feeling squatchy

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Donor Eggs

≈ 2 Comments

My brother-in-law is obsessed with Bigfoot (I promise this is going somewhere). We get him Bigfoot everything – statues, t-shirts, hats, movies. He will take his 2 young sons out “Squatch hunting” for the weekend. Really, it’s an excuse to get to them to go out camping. And the obsession, I think, is his way of trying to embrace the idea of something wild and unknowable. He likes the idea that there’s something out there that we don’t know about, something elusive and hard to find, something that may not even exist. A few nights ago S and A and I were watching “Finding Bigfoot” and S asked me if I was “feeling squatchy”. I laughed, because I knew exactly what he meant.

“Pregnant” in our house has intense meaning. It’s associated with loss, and fear and sadness. It comes with phrases like “You’ll never be able to get pregnant with your own eggs”, and “You’re technically pregnant, but you’re going to loss it soon.” So now we’ve moved on to “squatchy”. The idea being that we’re on the pursuit of something elusive, something hard to find and even more difficult to catch. I like it. I like the whimsy of it, and the silliness. And I do, I feel squatchy.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, my dears. Happy Squatch hunting.

*In other news, we got emergency custody of my step-daughter with a hearing for a permanent custody change next week. Our lawyer thinks we’ll get her.

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

5AA blastocyst, 5dt, donor eggs, egg transfer, hatching blastocyst, twins

Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt. In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.

Good news!! Good news!!

23 Saturday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

5 day transfer, day 3, donor eggs, embryo grading, fertilization

Hear ye, hear ye – the next time I start to throw a pity party someone remind me of this moment!

I swear, I feel like a dog that’s been kicked. With regards to IF I anticipate the worst constantly, mainly because that’s pretty much what’s it always been. I’m always cowering from the next blow. BUT, here’s what happened today.

When we got to our RE’s office for the transfer the Dr called us back to his office…weird. As it turns out 10 out of the 12 eggs were mature, and we had 7, not 6 that fertilized. Which means we’re well above my dreaded and feared 50% fertilization cut off. AND, 6 of the 7 of them are progressing very well, and we’ve been moved to a 5-day transfer! YIPPPEEEEEE!!! So, the criteria are Cell Number, Embryo Grade (Good, Fair, Poor), Cell Symmetry (Perfect, Moderate, Severe), and Percent Fragmentation. Here’s the stats on Day 3…

8, Good, Perfect, 0%
10, Good, Moderate, 5%
10, Good, Moderate, 10%
14, Good, Moderate, 0%
8, Good, Moderate, 15%
8, Good, Moderate, 5%

Sorry for being such a whiny downer lately. And for posting so much. I promise not to post again until after the transfer. In the meantime…

Fertilization report

22 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, ICSI, low fertilization rate

I’ve been posting a lot of doom and gloom lately so I thought I’d give y’all a break. Break’s over.

My donor only produced 12 eggs. And while 12 isn’t awful, it isn’t great, especially with a young donor. And certainly it was lower than my expectations. Especially since the girls on my board were coming back with numbers like 21 and 25. But, ok, it’s not quantity it’s quality right? And donors have good quality eggs, that’s why we choose them. And a good way to assess quality is fertilization rate with ICSI (according to many papers in different journals). Average fertilization rate with ICSI is 70-80%. Anything below 50% seems to be an indicator of poor egg quality. In fact, I found a study by Rinaudo et al., 2010 (Fertilization rate is an independent predictor of implantation rate) that shows that fertilization rate is a robust indictor of implantation potential. If less than 50% of your eggs fertilize (using ICSI) there is a 65% decrease in the chances of implantation.

6 eggs fertilized. 6 out of 12. That would be 50%.

For fun, lets continue our little math tutorial. If we assume I originally had a 50% of conceiving during this cycle but that the fertilization rate indicates sub-par egg quality and thus my odds are decreased by a further 65% that gives me a 17.5% chance of pregnancy. That’s about $2000 per percent, in case you’re keeping track. However, not only are the eggs (apparently) not of the highest quality, there aren’t that many of them, which further decreases the odds of a positive outcome. Grrrrrrrr…..

I’m holding on to the hope that the embryologist can answer some of my questions (he’s supposed to call today), because they didn’t tell me how many eggs were mature, which makes a difference. For example, if only 8 of the 12 were mature, and if 6 of those 8 fertilized there may not be a quality problem. That would be more of a protocol issue – why weren’t there more mature eggs? Which means there would be much more hope for the few we have left.

In any case, they’ve scheduled me for 2 transfers – one for tomorrow at 12:30 and one for Sunday at 10:30, because, why the hell not make things even MORE complicated!? If they don’t call it means I have to report tomorrow, which means most of the embryos didn’t progress and they are afraid to wait to put the other/s back in (make the patient feel like they get their money’s worth, I guess). If they do call that means all of them are progressing and we’ll wait to do a 5dt.

I’ll keep you updated.

**A sincere thank you to everyone who has been commenting on my blog lately. Your humor, understanding and support have been truly incredible and I am humbled and grateful.**

Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Category Archives: Donor Eggs

Perspective from an egg donor

To tell or not to tell?

It’s worth it

And just like that, I melted.

Guest post from another mom of donor conceived twins

Is it me?

A hierarchy to suffering?

It never gets easier

A blog of a different name…

No, he doesn’t actually look like me.

Sorry for the radio silence

Update

They’re here!!

Chubby babies!

I am legion

Update on all the things

30 weeks, choices

I’m back!!

This is all about babies

Allegory of the Cave

Boo-hoo, by mybrokenoven

Drum roll please…

Beta #3 – 3722!!!

Beta #2 – Oh no.

Symptoms – ’cause I got ’em

I found Bigfoot!! BFP!!!

Feeling squatchy

Embryo Transfer

Good news!! Good news!!

Fertilization report