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Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Hope is something you pee on

Category Archives: Betas

Beta #3 – 3722!!!

08 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Betas, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

beta, beta tripled, low beta then high beta

I can’t thank you all enough for your support! Seriously, I’ve been losing it, and y’all have been beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank. Thank you for pulling me through. As much as family and friends offer love and support no one really knows what it’s like to be in these situations, and how difficult it is – how difficult the whole infertility thing can be. And you guys get it. Your opinions and support are invaluable to me.

When the Doctor called and told me the new number and said he was totally baffled by the second beta. I asked him what it could be and he said he had no idea but that everything looked great and I shouldn’t worry. He said I don’t need another beta, and I go in for an ultrasound after I get back from my conference.

What do you guys think? Lab error? Something went wrong and corrected itself? Vanishing twin? Here are the betas –

  • 8 AM 9dp5dt – 586
  • 8 AM 11dp5dt – 697 (doubling time 191 hours)
  • 8 AM 13dp5dt – 3372 (doubling time 19 hors)

Well, whatever the reason – I’ll take it!

Losing my mind

07 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings, Results

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

beta hell, beta not doubling

Let’s get something straight – patience has never been one of my virtues, so the waiting associated with infertility drives me absolutely nuts. And I am sick to death of waiting, especially because (with infertility) it so often feels like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shadow of failure is always hovering, defeat is always looming. I’ve spent so much time being cautious and curtailing my optimism during this process. This pregnancy was the first time I have really truly been whole-heartedly optimistic in years, seriously, years. We got that first high beta and I thought we were safe, I thought we were in the clear, so I was completely blindsided by the bad beta. It feels like infertility saw my hope and joy and turned around and bitch slapped me. Again.

I broke down to S last night. He’s been on a business trip for the last 4 days so it’s been me, my step-daughter and my mother-in-law (who came to watch A while I was at work). I haven’t had a free moment to myself. So once I picked S up from the airport at 11 PM all of the crazy, frightened, neurotic, angry feeling stew that had been brewing in me since the call with the bad beta news just erupted into a massive display of woe is me. There was a lot of “why is this happening?”, “why did I think this would work?”, “why did I think we could ever have a baby?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “what is wrong with me?” in between ridiculously theatrical massive sobs.

Now, I know it’s not over until the proverbial fat lady does her thing, but if there’s one thing infertility has taught me it’s that I am not the exception. I am (almost always) the worst case scenario (with the exception of the egg fertilization thing). I am clinging unbelievably tightly to all of your assurances that it could be a vanishing twin (thank you, sincerely, for all of the support), that there could still be a healthy baby hanging on, but I feel like I’m deluding myself.

I had a ton of symptoms up until Dec. 3 (see one of the earlier posts) and then they all kind of … went away. Not totally away – I had occasional mild nausea and slight cramping – but I thought maybe that was because the implantation part was done and we were moving on to another phase. Silly me. And now I have symptoms again but I think they’re a result of anxiety and possible impending miscarriage rather than pregnancy. My back aches a little, and I’ve been super nauseous – but I often get nauseous when I’m really upset (some of you may recall that while trying to chose a donor I cried so hard I threw up. Yep. You’re welcome).

Anyway, I’m just going hang out in my “woe is me” corner and rock back and forth, waiting for tomorrow to give blood so I can wait for the Doctor to call me. I’m sure I’ll fill my time with something constructive, like vacillating wildly between being completely convinced it’s over and mostly convinced it’s ok. Should be fun.

** And now for the good news!! We got full custody of my step-daughter! Her mother was declared an unfit parent and now is limited to 4 hours of supervised contact every other weekend. She didn’t even bother to show up in court. When we told A she was going to live with us now she asked a few questions like, “Will I ever see my mom again?”, and “Will I go to school here now?”, and then said “Well,  good. It’s better here. This is a better place for a kid, but don’t tell my mom I said that.”

Beta #2 – Oh no.

06 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Donor Eggs

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

beta not doubling

Beta #2 – 697. It went from 586 to 697 in 2 days. Is it over?

Beta #3 – 7

18 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Results

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

beta, chemical pregnancy, early miscarriage, ectopic, miscarriage, pregnancy

So, I guess that’s it.  I got the official order to go off the meds. This cycle is officially a failure, and I can expect to start to miscarry sometime in the next few days. My one and only pregnancy is over.

I can’t tell if I got all of my crying out already, or if I’m just relieved that it’s not an ectopic pregnancy and/or going to keep dragging on with slightly increasing betas. Maybe I’m just relieved to be able to have a freaking margarita. But, either way I just feel relief. I expect that will change, especially once the bleeding starts but for now I’m just happy to have an answer.

The problem with having an answer is that now I have a new problem – Try again?

Probably. But right now the the thought of all those shots and doctors appointments and the accompanying roller coaster of emotions is too overwhelming to contemplate  So, for right now I’m going to focus on breathing in and breathing out and putting one foot in front of the other. We’ll see how that goes.

Beta #2 – 25.1

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Results

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

beta, chemical pregnancy

Why couldn’t it have just gone down? Now I have to play this game of knowing that it’s a not a viable pregnancy but acting as if it is until the numbers plateau and then decline.  “How long should that take”, I asked the nurse. “Probably not too long but it’s hard to say”, she said. What’s not too long?

I have to go back on Wed. for my more blood work.

This is horrible.

 

 

Beta #1 – 12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Betas, Results

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

chemical pregnancy, low beta

Gutted.

I’m 12dp2dt or 14dpo. My beta is 12. By now my hcG levels should be between 50-200.  RE says it doesn’t look good.

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