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Tag Archives: twins

Guest post from another mom of donor conceived twins

08 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Guest Post, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

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Recently, another mother of donor conceived twins commented on one of my posts, and her story was so moving to me that I wanted to share it with you (with her permission). In particular, it was a relief for me to hear from a mother who has both a bio child and donor conceived children, as that’s a perspective I’ll never have. I thought you all might like to hear another perspective from a mom who’s been there.

Thank you Kelly, for sharing your incredible story with us.

I have a biological son who is now 19; I had him when I was 22 with my first husband. I developed secondary infertility, possibly due to endometriosis or due to the severe thyroid problems I developed with my first son, or some combination thereof. The end result is that I was never able to get pregnant again.

My first husband and I eventually split, and my current husband and I eventually got married. We got engaged knowing that I had infertility issues and we stopped using any protection during the year of our engagement so that we could go into medical treatment right after our wedding (but always hoping for that happy OOPS! – clearly that never materialized). We started off with 3 months of Clomid – nothing. Then 3 rounds of Clomid assisted IUI’s – nothing. Then 4 rounds of OE IVF – nothing.

When we first started, I had initially said that I wouldn’t consider using donor eggs, that if we got through our OE IVF, we would call it good and move on. Except… I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t ready to give up, and my husband, bless his heart, got right on board with it (the gut wrenching grief-from-the bottom-of my soul crying when we got the last negative call from the clinic may have made it an easy decision for him). We looked at both donor embryos (our clinic has an amazing embryo program with a money back guarantee if you don’t get pregnant in 3 attempts and has an 80% success rate) and donor eggs. However, my hubby really wanted that genetic connection, especially since I would still be carrying them. So, we moved forward with the DE.

I chose a donor purely on her physical attributes. I wanted someone with dark hair and eyes like me, and I wanted her to be tall, because I am really tall. I didn’t care about anything else, I just wanted to babies to at least be able to pass as mine. My husband’s sole request was that she be a proven donor.

Our fresh round failed, and at that point, I became convinced the issue was my uterus and not the eggs. I fell into a pretty heavy despair. My RE did a endometrial scratch, we did our transfer, and then I went back to work and promptly let it all go because I knew, without a doubt, that it would not work. Imagine my surprise when I got pregnant on that frozen round with our twin boys. I knew the very next day that something was different, but I refused to get my hopes up. I took a digital pregnancy test 8 days after the transfer and it immediately came up positive. It was so fast I didn’t even have time to pull my pants up. I literally set the test on the counter, stood up, and there it was – “PREGNANT”. At 11dp5dt my beta was 997, and my 2nd beta was over 2000. We knew we were having twins from that first test.

Having had a bio child and now 2 donor children, I am in a position to say that I don’t love my bio-son any more than I do my Twinks. They all came from me, and were all desperately wanted and loved.

As for looks…we got one who is my husband’s mini-me, from his looks to his temperament. And my husband and the donor both have dark hair, hubby has hazel-brown eyes, donor had brown eyes… and we got one baby who is blond and blue-eyed! We weren’t expecting that at all, lol. Everyone assumes he is a throwback to my dad’s side of the family as they are Danish and German and all fair and blue-eyed – people comment on it ALL THE TIME. To the point that I have given up reminding people that it can’t be possible, I just smile and nod my head and say thank you. However, I do like to think that my DNA turned those genes on and had some determination in their strong expression in him.

We registered on the donor sibling registry, and are in contact with the parent of one of our boy’s genetic half-sibling. It is only a couple of times a year, but it has been interesting. We are hoping to meet one day.

I don’t know how I feel about meeting the donor someday… conflicted, I suppose. I am so thankful for what she did… but I also have this fear of my boys wanting to get to know their donor. But, we decided before I even got pregnant that we would be honest with them from the get-go, and have books that we read to them (they are 17 months old) even now, and talk about it pretty openly in our house, with our family and friends. We have been very blessed that everyone in our lives was immediately open to and receptive of this idea, even people I thought were going to struggle with the idea. My family treats the boys just like they treated my older son.

It was a heart wrenching and long 3 year journey, but so worth it.

I love sharing my story with over DE moms so thank you for letting me do that.

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A bounty of riches…

29 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in IVF, Musings

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A post by another blogger that I follow inspired me to share my thoughts on this. Do any of you watch the Real Housewives of Orange County? I do. It started one day when I lost the remote and was too lazy to get up and change the channel manually (what is this, 1997?) and now I’m hooked.

In the show one of the housewives is married to man who has 4 (3?) children from previous marriages and had a vasectomy – she has no children of her own. He had his sperm frozen and so they are pursuing IVF to have a child together. I’ve been giving this whole story line the side eye from the beginning. She’s so chipper and so open about the IVF process, but of course it’s happening because he had a vasectomy, not because she’s infertile. No blame on her. No fault of hers. These folks have more money than sense so unlike most of us they’re just moving forward without any financial considerations, which rankled a little. She spends the entirety of several shows complaining about her stim meds and her ovaries and how swollen she feels and is generally very dramatic about the whole thing (yes, it sucks. Really a lot. But come on lady). This woman (Meghan) announces happily to all of her friends right after the transfer “I’m pregnant with my twins!” without even entertaining the idea that something might go wrong in her perfect little world.

BUT. This is a woman who desperately wants a baby. This is a woman who is chronicling on TV the trials and tribulations and the pain and process of IVF – we see her fear when she does her injections. We see her in the stirrups at appointment after appointment. Her husband, a baseball player, is uninvolved and pretty unsupportive, and we see her struggle to curb her enthusiasm and her expectations in the face of his dispassion. After all, he already has kids. As a woman married to man who already had children this really hit home. I have spoken to so so so many of you struggling with being a stepmother but wanting your own children. So often, our partners want to support us in our attempts to have our own babies but are less committed and less enthusiastic – they already have kids, after all. This leaves us feeling alone and (sometimes) selfish. Should we be satisfied with what we already have? But I digress…

A few episodes back Megan and her husband decided to put in 2 embryos and because they’ve had genetic testing (unlimited funds strike again) they know that one embryo is a boy and the other is a girl. They’re going to have twins, she tells the world! (inwardly I cringe). Megan capers around talking about her nonexistent baby bump and her twins.

In the last episode they go in for the ultrasound. There is a lovely gestation sac and a healthy baby with a perfect heartbeat. But only one. And she loses it, right there on the table. She’s devastated that there’s only one baby and not two. I watched this utterly torn, angel on one shoulder and devil on the other.

  • Devil – Are you serious? She has a healthy baby! What the hell is she crying about? I know so many people who would give almost anything to hear those words! How dare she? What an entitled bitch!
  • Angel – *sob* I get it Meghan. I’m so sorry. You had 2 healthy, genetically perfect embryos transferred and you had expectations and dreams that you would birth 2 healthy, perfect babies. Half of your babies are gone. Your dreams are different. The life you’ve been imagining is no longer a possibility and that is so so hard.

And as you all know I’ve been there. The one time that I was pregnant with my own eggs I will admit to being a little sad that it wasn’t twins – couldn’t be twins (we only transferred one egg). After infertility the idea of the bounty of 2 babies is impossible to ignore. When I lost that baby I felt deeply guilty that I had wished for twins because all I wanted was my one little baby back. So when we were doing our donor egg transfer and the doctor asked if we wanted 1 or 2 embryos transferred I immediately said 2. What I actually said was “2 improves our chances for a baby, and it’s the path of least regret for us.” In truth, I wanted twins. And I got them. I felt them both implant. I knew that at one point at least, I was pregnant with 2 babies. There were some issues with the hCG tests (see previous posts) but when I walked in for my ultrasound I was utterly convinced that I was carrying twins. So I understand the impulse. And I imagine it must be even harder to accept when you know the sexes of the embryos – that makes it even more real and allows your fantasies to be that much more complete and complex. Your future life is so real you can taste it.

We all have ideas about how our lives will turn out and infertility throws a wrench into those plans. It doesn’t matter if you’re a rich reality TV star or a hard-working school teacher, we all have dreams and hopes and wishes. This stupid reality TV show has made me confront the fact that I need to be less judgmental about how people get to where they are and be more supportive of their process. Megan’s pain isn’t any less than mine. Her process isn’t any less important. There’s no hierarchy to suffering. We’re all women working towards a common goal and we need to be loving, understanding and supportive. So if you feel the need for some love and support – hit me up. I want to be a positive part of your process.

Until next time, friends.

 

 

No, he doesn’t actually look like me.

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Musings, Uncategorized

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I rarely think about the boys being the result of gamete donation. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind, kind of like the never-ending piles of laundry are always on my mind, but not in any real way. And I’ve even started talking with people outside of my immediate friend group about their unique conception history. Progress! After all, they say when you can tell your story without tears you have healed.

And then out of left field – BAM!!!

My sister is pregnant again, naturally and unexpected. I’m thrilled for her, in the way you can only be thrilled for your sister. And I am unbelievably jealous of her, in the way you can only be jealous of your sister. She has the same diagnosis as me and she’s the same age I was when I started infertility treatments. And she’s pregnant. AGAIN.

I would never wish what I went through on anyone, especially my baby sister. But COME ON LIFE! Really? *sigh*

And then, she randomly sends me a picture of her at 16 months next to a picture of her 16 month old (naturally conceived) bio baby so that I can compare how much they look alike. I burst in to tears right there waiting for the bus at the park and ride. Couldn’t even try to hide it. Just sudden, huge, overwhelming sobs. (And I couldn’t go hide in my car and take a later bus. I had to stand there, sobbing, waiting for the last bus of the morning. I’m sure everyone at the bus stop thinks I’m completely nuts). Because I can’t do that. I can’t compare myself with my boys. There’s no point.

It’s such a natural human instinct to look for ourselves in our children. To search for the continuity of our genes through time. Maybe it’s hubris or vanity. But to me, the one who can’t ever see myself reflected in my child’s eyes, it seems like looking for yourself in the face of god. To see yourself in this tiny perfect being – to be privy to the melding of you and your mate – it seems like a miracle. And it’s those little things that are hard.

The big things are easy. I love my little guys. All day long, every day, strong and true. Unconditionally. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am proud of my boys and happy and grateful to be their mama. But every time a stranger in the grocery store says “Oh how sweet, this one looks just like you! And this one must look like his daddy”, I think, “The joke’s on you lady! He doesn’t actually look like me at all” and then I have to smile and walk away quickly before the sense of loss brings tears to my eyes.

I think these feelings will start to fade too, eventually. And maybe one day that spot in my heart won’t be so sore. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some things can only be carried, but as my strength grows the burden feels less heavy. And in the meantime I will bask in the miracles that are my children, and thank the powers that be that I was strong enough and brave enough to do what was needed to bring them into this world.

Sorry for the radio silence

20 Saturday Feb 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, IVF, Uncategorized

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Hello all! Sorry it’s been so long. Life keeps happening at warp speed. Here’s a quick breakdown of what’s happening with us before I start going on about my little dudes.

We moved across the country. Like, just picked up and moved. My husband got fired the first week of July and we moved before Aug. My post-doc was ending and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after that and I have been itching to get closer to family. My mama could not BE more thrilled. After we moved I played stay-at-home-mom for 4 months. I’m not very good at that, as it turns out. Hats off to all you SAHM’s because it’s hard as hard can be. I was simultaneously overwhelmed and bored to death. I made A LOT of apple pies.

Sooooo…I got a job! It happened to come along at just the right time. It’s with a non-profit that I’ve worked with for years and years and, while it’s not research, it’s in my field, I’m very good at it, it’s important work, it pays reasonably well and it has amazing benefits! Of course, I have an hour and half commute each way but you can’t have it all right? Now, on to my boys…

They are spectacular. First of all, they’re huge. They’re 99% and 97% for height and weight – they both wear 2T at 18 months and are about the size of the average 3 year old. Z started walking at 9 months and lazy Ro was content to sit on his fat bottom and watch the action until 10.5 months. Now, at almost 19 months they’re climbing, running, wrestling, and laughing. They both use sign language and they both are talking, mostly about poop. Z has always been fastidious about his diaper, so now when he soils it he comes to me, holds up his shirt and says “Poop, mama. Poop.” And if I don’t immediately spring to my feet he’ll go and get a diaper, lay it in my lap and then lean in close and look in my eyes and say “MAMA. POOP.” R is constantly chatting about ducks and dinosaurs and singing Old MacDonald (“e, i, e, i , mooooooo”). They have fights over who gets to sit in my lap – they both push each other and say “No! MY MAMA!”. My heart melts. Ro has a megawatt smile and knows how to use it, and Z is a sweet and gentle soul.

I have days where I cry that they’re not “mine”, but truthfully they couldn’t be more mine. I have days where the pain and process it took to get to where we are overwhelms me with both fear and gratitude-we were so close to giving up. I have days where I wish with all of my heart that I never have to tell them how they were conceived. But I have more days, many many many more days where I’m proud of their origins. I’m proud of the struggle. I’m proud that one day they will have definitive concrete proof of how much we wanted them and how much they were loved, before they were even conceived. I FOUGHT for them. And I’m proud of who they are. I wouldn’t trade them for bio babies EVER. THEY are my babies. And I am their mama.

I love Ro with all of my heart, but Z is mine. He was Baby B, snuggled up under my ribcage, right beside my heart. His hair is exactly the color of mine. His personality is me to a T. Last week, when my mom and aunt were visiting I heard them laughing downstairs while I was folding clothes. Turns out Z had taken the ribbon on my moms blouse and was using it to tickle his ear, which was what I used to do, in exactly that same way. I know about epigenetics, and I believe all of that stuff (mostly) but it is a balm to me to see him be like me in so many ways. I can’t look at them and try and find my nose, or my fingernails, or my toes, but I still see myself in them, and in Z in particular.

Don’t get me wrong, I love R. He’s a troublemaker, and a performer and a silly silly monkey! R loves everyone. He’ll go to everyone with a smile and hug. Everyone adores him. He has a modeling contract and has been relatively successful (less so now that I can’t take him to auditions obviously). People stop us in public to comment on what a beautiful child he is. Z is quiet. He hangs back until he’s sure of what’s going on. And then, when he’s comfortable, he’s a beam of sunshine. He took apart the coffee table when he was 11 months old. He has taken apart the baby gate once or twice and now when he starts to do I tell him “No Z-bone”, and he’ll get a big grin and then pretend to do it. I’ll start to stand up and he’ll laugh and say “No, Z-bone. Mama say no”. But he’ll stop, and then he’ll get a book and come crawl in my lap. He has his baby doll that he loves (below), and his kitty that he sleeps with. Ro has a blankie that goes everywhere with him, and he’s obsessed with shoes or “sues” and must put on all pairs within in sight. Which means his shoes, my shoes and then daddy’s shoes. All at once.

So I have the engineer and the actor, the thinker and the lover. My little boys. I have it all.

 

 

 

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

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I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.

5.5 weeks

5.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

11 weeks

11 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

Baby A

Baby A at 12 weeks 1 day

Baby B

Baby B at 12 weeks 1 day

Our Facebook announcement

Our Facebook announcement

14 weeks
14 weeks

 

Drum roll please…

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

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2 babies with 2 heart beats!!! I am over the moon!!

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality - I'll post better later)

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality – I’ll post better later)

We went in for the ultrasound and DH was so nervous he was on the verge of tears. I thought he was going to punch the doctor as he was making small talk about his weekend, and us moving to a new house and the holidays blahblahblah. As I’ve been non-stop nauseous with occasional vomiting and extreme exhaustion I was less nervous and more excited. I told the doctor I thought there were 2 and I knew where they were in my uterus. He scoffed at me but I showed him anyway. Anyway, in goes the dildocam and immediately we could see the 2 sacs (right where I said they’d be, by the way). The first thing the doctor said was “Well, I’m glad you got a bigger house.” Yolks both measuring 4 mm, Baby B slightly smaller than Baby A – Baby A exactly on track at 5 weeks 6 days. And then…then…the flickers. I could only see it for a split second because that was the moment where I lost my shit and started sobbing on the table. Their tiny little hearts were beating. DH got a little misty eyed too, and he’s a straight up stoic kinda man’s man.

So, Baby A’s heart rate is 98 and Baby B’s is 88. I was concerned about Baby B’s being so much slower but the doctor said that seeing any heartbeat this early is excellent – he’s doesn’t expect to see them until 6 weeks 2-3 days. Plus, I know when both babies implanted (I know I sound nuts, but I felt it) and Baby B implanted 14-16 hours later than Baby A. So, to me it makes sense that he’d be a little behind. We go back in for another ultrasound on Dec. 27 and then I graduate to a real Ob-Gyn. (Which I haven’t picked yet – I get most of my medical care through the university, so I don’t have a regular Ob like most folks).

Also, it’s my dad’s birthday and I knew he and my mom were going crazy waiting to hear. So I made up a little birthday song (which he was quite annoyed with until I got to the end) – “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Grandpa Dean, the number of babies is ……….. 2!”  Then there was a lot of whooping and hollering and hooting. As it turns out my dad had been with a patient (he’s an eye doctor, my mom and my best friends mom are his office staff since they retired) and they had all run in to his office to hear the news when they saw it was me calling. And as it turns out the patient was my third grade teacher, so that’s kinda cool (I told you I’m from a small town, right?).

I can’t even believe it. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and lord knows I’ve had my heart broken right along with friends who have lost pregnancies after seeing the heartbeat (my heart is still breaking for you Unexpected), but it’s one more hurdle closer to the goal.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support – it’s such a wonderful feeling to have people to share this with (since we’re not telling anyone outside of family and close friends and apparently elementary school teachers). Ya’ll rock my world!

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

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Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

 

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt.  In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.