Category Archives: Results

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

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I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.

5.5 weeks

5.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

11 weeks

11 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

Baby A

Baby A at 12 weeks 1 day

Baby B

Baby B at 12 weeks 1 day

Our Facebook announcement

Our Facebook announcement

14 weeks
14 weeks

 

Drum roll please…

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

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2 babies with 2 heart beats!!! I am over the moon!!

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality - I'll post better later)

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality – I’ll post better later)

We went in for the ultrasound and DH was so nervous he was on the verge of tears. I thought he was going to punch the doctor as he was making small talk about his weekend, and us moving to a new house and the holidays blahblahblah. As I’ve been non-stop nauseous with occasional vomiting and extreme exhaustion I was less nervous and more excited. I told the doctor I thought there were 2 and I knew where they were in my uterus. He scoffed at me but I showed him anyway. Anyway, in goes the dildocam and immediately we could see the 2 sacs (right where I said they’d be, by the way). The first thing the doctor said was “Well, I’m glad you got a bigger house.” Yolks both measuring 4 mm, Baby B slightly smaller than Baby A – Baby A exactly on track at 5 weeks 6 days. And then…then…the flickers. I could only see it for a split second because that was the moment where I lost my shit and started sobbing on the table. Their tiny little hearts were beating. DH got a little misty eyed too, and he’s a straight up stoic kinda man’s man.

So, Baby A’s heart rate is 98 and Baby B’s is 88. I was concerned about Baby B’s being so much slower but the doctor said that seeing any heartbeat this early is excellent – he’s doesn’t expect to see them until 6 weeks 2-3 days. Plus, I know when both babies implanted (I know I sound nuts, but I felt it) and Baby B implanted 14-16 hours later than Baby A. So, to me it makes sense that he’d be a little behind. We go back in for another ultrasound on Dec. 27 and then I graduate to a real Ob-Gyn. (Which I haven’t picked yet – I get most of my medical care through the university, so I don’t have a regular Ob like most folks).

Also, it’s my dad’s birthday and I knew he and my mom were going crazy waiting to hear. So I made up a little birthday song (which he was quite annoyed with until I got to the end) – “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Grandpa Dean, the number of babies is ……….. 2!”  Then there was a lot of whooping and hollering and hooting. As it turns out my dad had been with a patient (he’s an eye doctor, my mom and my best friends mom are his office staff since they retired) and they had all run in to his office to hear the news when they saw it was me calling. And as it turns out the patient was my third grade teacher, so that’s kinda cool (I told you I’m from a small town, right?).

I can’t even believe it. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and lord knows I’ve had my heart broken right along with friends who have lost pregnancies after seeing the heartbeat (my heart is still breaking for you Unexpected), but it’s one more hurdle closer to the goal.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support – it’s such a wonderful feeling to have people to share this with (since we’re not telling anyone outside of family and close friends and apparently elementary school teachers). Ya’ll rock my world!

Beta #3 – 3722!!!

08 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Betas, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

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I can’t thank you all enough for your support! Seriously, I’ve been losing it, and y’all have been beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank. Thank you for pulling me through. As much as family and friends offer love and support no one really knows what it’s like to be in these situations, and how difficult it is – how difficult the whole infertility thing can be. And you guys get it. Your opinions and support are invaluable to me.

When the Doctor called and told me the new number and said he was totally baffled by the second beta. I asked him what it could be and he said he had no idea but that everything looked great and I shouldn’t worry. He said I don’t need another beta, and I go in for an ultrasound after I get back from my conference.

What do you guys think? Lab error? Something went wrong and corrected itself? Vanishing twin? Here are the betas –

  • 8 AM 9dp5dt – 586
  • 8 AM 11dp5dt – 697 (doubling time 191 hours)
  • 8 AM 13dp5dt – 3372 (doubling time 19 hors)

Well, whatever the reason – I’ll take it!

Losing my mind

07 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by in Betas, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings, Results

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Let’s get something straight – patience has never been one of my virtues, so the waiting associated with infertility drives me absolutely nuts. And I am sick to death of waiting, especially because (with infertility) it so often feels like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shadow of failure is always hovering, defeat is always looming. I’ve spent so much time being cautious and curtailing my optimism during this process. This pregnancy was the first time I have really truly been whole-heartedly optimistic in years, seriously, years. We got that first high beta and I thought we were safe, I thought we were in the clear, so I was completely blindsided by the bad beta. It feels like infertility saw my hope and joy and turned around and bitch slapped me. Again.

I broke down to S last night. He’s been on a business trip for the last 4 days so it’s been me, my step-daughter and my mother-in-law (who came to watch A while I was at work). I haven’t had a free moment to myself. So once I picked S up from the airport at 11 PM all of the crazy, frightened, neurotic, angry feeling stew that had been brewing in me since the call with the bad beta news just erupted into a massive display of woe is me. There was a lot of “why is this happening?”, “why did I think this would work?”, “why did I think we could ever have a baby?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “what is wrong with me?” in between ridiculously theatrical massive sobs.

Now, I know it’s not over until the proverbial fat lady does her thing, but if there’s one thing infertility has taught me it’s that I am not the exception. I am (almost always) the worst case scenario (with the exception of the egg fertilization thing). I am clinging unbelievably tightly to all of your assurances that it could be a vanishing twin (thank you, sincerely, for all of the support), that there could still be a healthy baby hanging on, but I feel like I’m deluding myself.

I had a ton of symptoms up until Dec. 3 (see one of the earlier posts) and then they all kind of … went away. Not totally away – I had occasional mild nausea and slight cramping – but I thought maybe that was because the implantation part was done and we were moving on to another phase. Silly me. And now I have symptoms again but I think they’re a result of anxiety and possible impending miscarriage rather than pregnancy. My back aches a little, and I’ve been super nauseous – but I often get nauseous when I’m really upset (some of you may recall that while trying to chose a donor I cried so hard I threw up. Yep. You’re welcome).

Anyway, I’m just going hang out in my “woe is me” corner and rock back and forth, waiting for tomorrow to give blood so I can wait for the Doctor to call me. I’m sure I’ll fill my time with something constructive, like vacillating wildly between being completely convinced it’s over and mostly convinced it’s ok. Should be fun.

** And now for the good news!! We got full custody of my step-daughter! Her mother was declared an unfit parent and now is limited to 4 hours of supervised contact every other weekend. She didn’t even bother to show up in court. When we told A she was going to live with us now she asked a few questions like, “Will I ever see my mom again?”, and “Will I go to school here now?”, and then said “Well,  good. It’s better here. This is a better place for a kid, but don’t tell my mom I said that.”

Beta #1

04 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Results, Uncategorized

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4:45 PM Had my blood drawn at 8:00 AM. The nurses told me the doctor wouldn’t be calling until the afternoon. Now it’s 4:45 and I STILL haven’t heard a peep. I broke down and called them a few minutes ago and the receptionist said they had just started their daily results meeting and he would be calling soon. I am losing my mind. I understand now how the police get people to talk by leaving them in a room for a few hours with their thoughts. Leave me alone with my thoughts and vague feeling of anxiety and I’m suddenly a raving lunatic. I have been absolutely confident throughout this whole cycle, except for the last 2 hours. And in these last 2 hours every fear, doubt, and previous terrible IF experience has come creeping back in. Are all of those gazillion BFP’s only positive because tests have gotten so good that they detect even small (read here: chemical pregnancy) amounts of hCG? Are all of my symptoms psychosomatic? And I know that no matter what this beta is (because it will be some number greater than 5, I know that for certain) there will be another beta on Thursday and this whole traumatic experience will repeat itself. I am literally staring at the phone and willing it to ring. 

5:12 PM Willing the phone to ring didn’t work. It’s fine, right? It’s gonna be fine. Right?

5:20 PM My mom just called to check and see what the news was (like I wouldn’t have already called her if I knew). I just about jumped out of my skin. WTF is taking them so long? I have to go home and start cooking dinner, but I’m afraid to get in the elevator because there’s no reception there, or in the stairwell. I’m trapped in my office!!

Beta #1 – 586!!!!!  Wha….?!

 

 

The Great Pee Project

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in 2WW, IVF, Results

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hideBecause of my early loss last year everyone is very on-edge about this pregnancy, including my mother. Now this woman is usually the picture of optimism and thriftiness, but she told me to go out and buy enough pregnancy tests to test every morning and night until my beta. As a POAS junkie I was happy to oblige. I call her with the results every morning and night and can hear the relief in her voice when the lines are darker. Often, she asks for pictures, just to ease her mind. Thus, I have pictures! So, I thought I would share the Great Pee Project with all of you. You’re welcome, as I know you long to look at things I’ve urinated on. *HA*

Keep in mind, some of these were taken with FMU, some at mid-day and some at night and the concentration of the urine plays a big part in how dark the line is. Also, many of these photos were taken well after the time period was up (obviously) and so they can seem a bit darker or lighter then they were during the 3-5 minutes (especially the blue dye tests, which get lighter and Dollar Store tests, which get darker).  *The FRER’s that are linked will take you to Amazon where you can purchase these tests. This is an amazon affiliate link, and I get paid a little bit of money if you buy from them. That being said, you may be able to find them cheaper elsewhere, so shop around. Regardless of where you get them, these were the best tests I found. Although you can’t beat the Dollar Store tests for price!*

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER (FMU). The 4 day one has faded some.

Comparison (left to right) of Assure from the Dollar Store, CVS Early Response and FRER. FRER is from FMU, $ Store at noon, CVS at bedtime on 5dp5dt

Comparison (left to right) of Assure from the Dollar Store, CVS Early Response and FRER. FRER is from FMU, $ Store at noon, CVS at bedtime on 5dp5dt

FRER (FMU) and Dollar Store test (mid-day) on 6dp5dt

FRER (FMU) and Dollar Store test (mid-day) on 6dp5dt

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests, FMU

Assured Brand Dollar Store tests taken either at mid-day or before bed, 3-8dpt

Assured Brand Dollar Store tests taken either at mid-day or before bed, 4-8dpt

Symptoms – ’cause I got ’em

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

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At 10:30 AM on Nov 24th they transferred 2 5AA blasts in to my broken oven (get it? get it?). Although I guess really my oven is fine, it’s my eggs that are broken…  I know some of you are going to think I’m crazy, but I swear I felt implantation and I’ve been pretty convinced since then that this cycle worked. Anyways, here are my “symptoms” broken down by day (I’ve been keeping a journal).

  • 0dpt – At 5:30 PM I felt a strong pinching on the lower left side of my uterus which continued, on and off, for the rest of the night. 80% sure this cycle is a go. (*Side note – one thing IF teaches you is exactly where your uterus and ovaries are)
  • 1dpt – Continued pinching and slight cramping at the same spot in my abdomen as well as 2-3 minutes of pinching in the upper right area of my uterus. I am convinced now that this is implantation. In the PM I start to develop stronger cramps (not in a specific location). 90% certain this is working.
  • 2dpt – Hard to get out of bed, very tired even after 9 hours of sleep. In the shower my wrist brushed my right nipple and I gasped with shock b/c it was so sensitive, totally surprised myself (and left one was normal, wth?). Wasn’t on the look out for symptoms so this shocked me. In the afternoon I had no increased sensitivity in my nips. Continued cramping on the lower left in particular and the whole lower abdominal area in general. By 5 PM my lower abdomen felt  heavy and full, like it does in the hours before AF starts.  All day I felt weird and “floaty”, but the progesterone (Endometrin and lozenges) makes me tired and kind of out of it so this may be nothing. However, I’ve been on progesterone for almost a week and haven’t felt this way before. I pee’d on an OPK, just because I had it in my desk at work (who the hell knows why?) and because I like to pee on sticks. It was, of course, negative. (But I still enjoyed it). I “feel” pregnant today. 100% sure of this cycle being the one.
  • 3dpt – AM – Nothing. No symptoms. No cramping, no “floaty” feeling, a little bit of a heavy tummy, but not nearly so much as yesterday. A few tiny cramps in the mid-afternoon, and a bit of backache (but that’s not unusual). Because I’m a crazy baby lunatic who can’t think of anything but my uterus I pee’d on a stick at 12:30, which was of course a BFN. Didn’t actually dampen my spirits at all as 99.8% of me knew it would be BFN. By 6 PM the heavy lower tummy feeling was back along with cramping and lower back ache. I am exhausted (but I also have all of my in-laws staying at my house and have been cooking and cleaning all day). Also, constipated. Because I’m gross and crazy and a POAS junkie I looked at the old test before I went to bed and there was the very faintest whisper of a second line. So, I got out a Dollar Store test and got a BFN. Still, I’m 90% positive I’m pregnant.
  • 4dpt – I woke up at 4:00 AM with what felt like a side stitch on the left side of my lower abdomen. Had a backache and was crampy all night. Sat on DH’s lap right after he ate some pizza at lunch, and his breath smelled so bad/strong I ran into the bathroom gagging. Since I was in there anyway I pee’d on a stick (FRER*) and within a minute there was a faint but clear BFP (below)!! Still no boob symptoms (soreness, veins, sensitivity, etc), no metallic taste. I have bad AF type cramping and a backache and I’m am SUPER irritable, which is weird because I’m also super happy. But seriously, everyone is annoying the crap out of me. Starting to feel bloated, still constipated (you’re welcome!). Pee’d on a Dollar Store test at 8 PM and got a very faint positive. As I was going to bed I got tingly nips.
  • 5dpt – Had a hard time sleeping last night because of the backache (but that’s not too unusual for me – stupid tight hamstrings). Pee’d on a FRER this morning at 8 AM (FMU) and and the line is twice as dark as it was yesterday (!). Below is the light FRER from 4dp5dt at 11 AM, and the FRER from 5dp5dt at 8 AM (FMU). Same symptoms continue – mainly cramping. In the early evening I got REALLY dizzy. I feel like the sensitivity of my skin has increased because my face wash burns, but that may just be my imagination. Got a positive on a $ Store test and a CVS Early Response (mid-day and PM).
  • 6dp5dt – Lines are getting darker!! Still a little crampy, full feeling abdomen, backache. Super nauseous for a few minutes.
4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

  • 7dp5dt – Ran out of FRER’s. Dark positive on a CVS One Step with FMU. Backache and crampy. Still no boob-type symptoms or food aversions. Looked at a calendar and realized my beta is on Tues, not Mon! Grrrrr…..
  • 8dpt – Not much to report. Cramping is almost gone except for occasional twinges, backaches still lingers. I’m getting episodes of mild nausea, especially if my stomach is empty but food is terribly unappetizing. Tests keep getting darker. I’ve included a picture from this morning of a Dollar Store Assure Brand test and a CVS Early Response, both done with the same FMU. The CVS test I took 2 days ago was very light (never get the blue dye tests) so the dark line on that is particularly satisfying.
8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

I have endlessly googled early pregnancy symptoms so I’ll just keep adding to this same post until the day of my beta (which is Monday  – 9dp5dt), so that I can repay the favor for those of you looking for symptoms.

I know cautious optimism is called for here, but I feel really confident about this “Squatchy-ness”. My symptoms have been strong the whole time and implantation happened early. The dark lines up there make me feel better. I think Tues (beta day) is going to be a good day!

*I have linked to the First Response Early Result tests that I used on Amazon. This is an affiliate link, which means that if you buy from them I get a little $. However, you may be able to find them cheaper elsewhere so please shop around. Regardless, the FRER tests were the best in terms of sensitivity, although you can’t beat the Dollar Store brand for price! (And they were reliable as well).

 

I found Bigfoot!! BFP!!!

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Donor Eggs, Results

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It’s still light, but it is crystal clear.

I tested yesterday at 1 PM (I know, I know) and it was BFN. But as I was getting ready for bed I glanced over at the counter where I had laid the HPT and there was a whisper faint “you can see it in the right light if you turn your head and squint maybe” second line. I know better than to make too much of that but it was still…interesting, especially at 3dp5dt.

Today (4dp5dt) after lunch I was sitting on my husbands lap and the smell of pizza on his breath was so strong and awful (sorry baby, not your fault) that I ran into the bathroom gagging. Poor DH! Decided that was as good a time as any to POAS, and the double line came up within a minute. Let’s pray that line keeps getting darker!

 

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

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Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

 

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt.  In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.

Good news!! Good news!!

23 Saturday Nov 2013

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Results

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Hear ye, hear ye – the next time I start to throw a pity party someone remind me of this moment!

I swear, I feel like a dog that’s been kicked. With regards to IF I anticipate the worst constantly, mainly because that’s pretty much what’s it always been. I’m always cowering from the next blow. BUT, here’s what happened today.

When we got to our RE’s office for the transfer the Dr called us back to his office…weird. As it turns out 10 out of the 12 eggs were mature, and we had 7, not 6 that fertilized. Which means we’re well above my dreaded and feared 50% fertilization cut off. AND, 6 of the 7 of them are progressing very well, and we’ve been moved to a 5-day transfer! YIPPPEEEEEE!!!  So, the criteria are Cell Number, Embryo Grade (Good, Fair, Poor), Cell Symmetry (Perfect, Moderate, Severe), and Percent Fragmentation. Here’s the stats on Day 3…

  1. 8, Good, Perfect, 0%
  2. 10, Good, Moderate, 5%
  3. 10, Good, Moderate, 10%
  4. 14, Good, Moderate, 0%
  5. 8, Good, Moderate, 15%
  6. 8, Good, Moderate, 5%

Sorry for being such a whiny downer lately. And for posting so much. I promise not to post again until after the transfer. In the meantime…url

Fertilization report

22 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

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I’ve been posting a lot of doom and gloom lately so I thought I’d give y’all a break. Break’s over.

My donor only produced 12 eggs. And while 12 isn’t awful, it isn’t great, especially with a young donor. And certainly it was lower than my expectations. Especially since the girls on my board were coming back with numbers like 21 and 25. But, ok, it’s not quantity it’s quality right? And donors have good quality eggs, that’s why we choose them. And a good way to assess quality is fertilization rate with ICSI (according to many papers in different journals). Average fertilization rate with ICSI is 70-80%. Anything below 50% seems to be an indicator of poor egg quality. In fact, I found a study by Rinaudo et al., 2010 (Fertilization rate is an independent predictor of implantation rate)  that shows that fertilization rate is a robust indictor of implantation potential. If less than 50% of your eggs fertilize (using ICSI) there is a 65% decrease in the chances of implantation.

6 eggs fertilized. 6 out of 12. That would be 50%.

For fun, lets continue our little math tutorial. If we assume I originally had a 50% of conceiving during this cycle but that the fertilization rate indicates sub-par egg quality and thus my odds are decreased by a further 65% that gives me a 17.5% chance of pregnancy. That’s about $2000 per percent, in case you’re keeping track. However, not only are the eggs (apparently) not of the highest quality, there aren’t that many of them, which further decreases the odds of a positive outcome. Grrrrrrrr…..

I’m holding on to the hope that the embryologist can answer some of my questions (he’s supposed to call today), because they didn’t tell me how many eggs were mature, which makes a difference. For example, if only 8 of the 12 were mature, and if 6 of those 8 fertilized there may not be a quality problem. That would be more of a protocol issue – why weren’t there more mature eggs? Which means there would be much more hope for the few we have left.

In any case, they’ve scheduled me for 2 transfers – one for tomorrow at 12:30 and one for Sunday at 10:30, because, why the hell not make things even MORE complicated!? If they don’t call it means I have to report tomorrow, which means most of the embryos didn’t progress and they are afraid to wait to put the other/s back in (make the patient feel like they get their money’s worth, I guess). If they do call that means all of them are progressing and we’ll wait to do a 5dt.

I’ll keep you updated.

**A sincere thank you to everyone who has been commenting on my blog lately. Your humor, understanding and support have been truly incredible and I am humbled and grateful.**

 

Plot twist!

06 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Results

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Do you ever feel like infertility is one big soap opera and every single step is a possible life changing plot twist? Me too.

You know how we found the perfect donor? Turns out she’s perfect except that she has NO follow through. I’ll spare you the details, but  basically she never even filled out the paperwork, never mind coming in for doctors appointments or testing. So after 5+ weeks of waiting on tenter hooks for her to do SOMETHING we decided to pull the plug.  After all, if she has cold feet now there’s no way she’s going to be up for the daily dildo cam and shots in the gut. So, our options were to choose someone else from The World Egg Bank or to cancel with them and be out $1000 (this is only an option if no testing has begun, otherwise you owe them the full amount of +$10,000).

Heart broken (again) I called the donor nurse at my clinic to ask for advice. Lo and behold the mythical red haired donor she’s been telling us about for months has passed all of her prescreening (ovarian assessment, paperwork, genetic history) and is up for grabs. Technically we’re on a rather lengthy waiting list for a donor through the clinic but given our arduous journey (2 medicated IUI’s, 3 IVF’s and a miscarriage), multiple setbacks (sister to donate eggs only to find out that she also has DOR; multiple issues with donors) and very specific donor characteristics (small stature, red hair) the clinic has put us at the front of the line for this particular donor. She has red hair, blue eyes, is 5’4″ and has a clean bill of health. The nurse says she’s mature, committed, vivacious and sweet. She kept talking about her “wonderful personality”. Of course, my husband immediately assumed she must be a troll, since in “man talk” a wonderful personality = not so cute. The nurse sent us her profile, which seemed great. We requested a picture, and I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for it to come. I got it this morning. And immediately I called and cancelled with The World Egg Bank and sent a message to the nurse that we want her.

She looks exactly like my mom.

when-something-goes-wrong-in-your-life

Oh my god

27 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

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My sister has DOR too. She isn’t a suitable donor candidate, and her OAR (Ovarian Assessment Report) is 7, which is borderline low. That’s what mine was when we started aggressive IVF treatment. So not only is she not a suitable donor, she has seriously decreased fertility

I…I don’t even know what to say. I’m devastated for her, for us both. There are just no words.

It’s official – it’s over.

23 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Musings, Results

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url-1So much for my big talk about accepting the reality of the situation and letting go.

I just talked to my clinic and got my blood results from a few weeks back – my AMH is 0.15, FSH is 7.71 and Estrodial is 108, which means I officially fall into the category of “unsuitable for IVF”. I always thought IVF was the last resort and here I am once again contemplating what you do when you’re too far gone even for the last resort to be an option.

I thought I was prepared for this. I knew it would be hard, but I thought I was ready for the finality of it. Turns out I’m not. There was one last shred of secret hope growing in my heart like a tough and hardy weed, and tearing it out has reopened the wound and I am drowning.

It’s so unfair. It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have learned the course of this grief by now – this pain has a road map. I know I’ll spend the rest of the day huddled into myself, quietly crying and trying to hold it all together. The night will pass sleeplessly as I’m washed with waves of guilt and anger and loss. (Thank god my husband is out of town. He’s seen this scene a few too many times now, and it makes him feel helpless and alone). Tomorrow will pass in a  gray haze of sadness and the next day, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to start trying to rebuild myself and incorporate this new knowledge into my new self concept. The knowledge that I am barren. At 36. That I carried one child that was my own flesh and blood, I lost it, and that I’ll never have that chance again.

I know I’m extremely lucky, that I have my sister and that she is willing to donate her eggs to us. But right now I think I’m just going to let myself mourn for all that I’ve lost – today, and through this whole process. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to be brave again.

Give up? Not today!

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by in Musings, Results

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I am at a loss. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m at the point where if I continue I’ll feel (and seem to most people) desperate beyond reason, unable to recognize and accept the truth.  But I’m not ready to give up.  Not yet.  We got pregnant, and on our first real try!  Yes, that pregnancy failed, and yes that may have been due to poor egg quality, but it may not have been.  Early miscarriages happen to many many many fertile women. All I need is that one healthy egg and a Dr. who will help us.  Like Yomicfit said in her comment – I need someone who will fight for me and my future children (Thank you, Yomicfit, for your kind words and for sharing your story).

So I’m going to try all the stuff that my first RE said I shouldn’t do. “Dr, can we do anything to improve our chances?”, “Don’t smoke or drink caffeine.”, “Um, right, I know, but what about DHEA? I’ve read that it’s used in many fertility clinics on women with DOR to improve egg quality”, “No, definitely don’t do that.  It’s unproven and it’s a hormone. You don’t want to mess around with your body chemistry.” (Side note-it was difficult not to laugh during that conversion. Don’t mess around with your body chemistry says the woman who prescribed me massive amounts of body chemistry altering hormones.) “Well Dr., what about that combination of melatonin, folic acid and myo inositol? I’ve read some studies that show that can help oocyte quality.”, “No, that’s extreme. If you want to feel like you’re doing something why don’t you get acupuncture. I don’t think it works but it certainly doesn’t hurt.”  (You know what’s extreme? Jabbing yourself w needles 5 times a day – thats extreme.  We’ve already crossed that line)

Now, I’m not a doctor (or at least, not that kind of doctor) so I’m not implying that I know better then her. Certainly reading a few journal articles and doing online research doesn’t qualify me to have much of an opinion.  She’s been doing this a long time and has a lot of experience and knowledge. But it seems to me that if we’re willing to pay the price (financially, physically and mentally) shouldn’t she be open to alternative options, especially when they’re often used by other clinics? Perhaps she can’t support them in her official role but couldn’t she offer some kind of guidance rather then just “I’m sorry, we can no longer help you?”.

So, ok.  I’m going to do acupuncture, and yoga.  I’m also going to find a clinic that is more progressive and willing to try alternative actions that may help improve our chances. After all what’s it going to do, decrease my fertility?  HA! 

As we were leaving our appointment she told us to go see Dr. Schoolcraft, that she didn’t know what he did but he had success with difficult patients.  Well I’ve read all about Dr. Schoolcraft now, exchanged messages with many of his previous and current patients.  You know what he does (besides having the best lab in the world)? He tries new things. He has his patients who have run out of other options try alternative medicines. He prescribes DHEA, melatonin, folic acid and myo inositol. I am happy to be an experiment. If it will help me have a baby and/or help doctors learn more to help other people have babies then I’m in.

I don’t know if this stuff will work. But I don’t know how to stop trying either.  I can’t let go of my vision of my life so easily. I won’t walk away just because one person told me it’s hopeless.  It’s hopeless when I say it is, goddamnit!

Beta #3 – 7

18 Thursday Oct 2012

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So, I guess that’s it.  I got the official order to go off the meds. This cycle is officially a failure, and I can expect to start to miscarry sometime in the next few days. My one and only pregnancy is over.

I can’t tell if I got all of my crying out already, or if I’m just relieved that it’s not an ectopic pregnancy and/or going to keep dragging on with slightly increasing betas. Maybe I’m just relieved to be able to have a freaking margarita. But, either way I just feel relief. I expect that will change, especially once the bleeding starts but for now I’m just happy to have an answer.

The problem with having an answer is that now I have a new problem – Try again?

Probably. But right now the the thought of all those shots and doctors appointments and the accompanying roller coaster of emotions is too overwhelming to contemplate  So, for right now I’m going to focus on breathing in and breathing out and putting one foot in front of the other. We’ll see how that goes.

Beta #2 – 25.1

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

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Why couldn’t it have just gone down? Now I have to play this game of knowing that it’s a not a viable pregnancy but acting as if it is until the numbers plateau and then decline.  “How long should that take”, I asked the nurse. “Probably not too long but it’s hard to say”, she said. What’s not too long?

I have to go back on Wed. for my more blood work.

This is horrible.

 

 

I hate this

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in 2WW, Results

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I had my first beta on Thurs, and got the bad news after a 3 hour flight. I haven’t really had a chance to digest it or deal with it as I was in a wedding over the weekend. It made the time pass so was good in that respect, I guess.  My pregnancy tests still show faint lines, but all my symptoms are gone. My boobs are still sore but I’m still having to take all the Progesterone support so that’s not surprising.

I went in for my 2nd beta this morning (Monday – 16dp2dt or 18dpo) and am waiting for the results. I’m hoping for a miracle but know in my heart that it’s over.  I just hope this doesn’t drag on and on – numbers rising but only slightly, forcing you continue to to cling to that shred of hope. If IVF has taught me anything it’t that I’m not that 1 in a million person who beats the odds. I fall right in the middle of the bell curve.  Please just let the number be unambiguous.

11pd2dt – BFP symptoms

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

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So I am 11dpt2dt or 13dpo and I am pregnant. I may not be pregnant tomorrow, but 3 faint but clear tests confirm that I am pregnant right now (2 FRER and 1 CVS Early, in case you’re wondering). I’ve spent countless hours wasting time on Google looking for early pregnancy symptoms so now that I have them, I’d like to share!

Breasts – they’re definitely bigger than usual and tender, but no more so then they are right before AF. I have felt like my nipples have been behaving badly – getting erect for no reason and kind of tingly, which is different. No big blue veins or enlarged nipples or anything.

Cramps – still cramping, although not as badly as I was right after ER and ET and in the few days following. The shooting pain in my right ovary is pretty much gone. Last night I started getting weird little tugging sensations about 4 fingers below my belly button. It was subtle, but different.

Bloating – gone. Those 8lbs I gained this cycle are still with me but I’m feeling much better about them now!

Discharge – as I mentioned in a previous post this was the only symptom I had that couldn’t be explained by the meds.  It’s still with me – it happens once or twice a day and is like the watery discharge you get right around ovulation.

And that’s it. No nausea,  no metallic taste in my mouth, no increased sense of smell, no more tired than usual.

I still don’t really believe it. I want to pee on 10 more tests.  I want that beta.

And I realize now that this stage (which I have been so earnestly striving towards for so long) is just another waiting game.  I would get so annoyed with people who had gotten their BFP and were complaining about the time between betas, or that their BFP lines were slightly different colors. They were pregnant for gods sake – be thankful, stop nitpicking! I get it now. It’s still precarious. It could end at any moment. I feel like so many of us on this IVF journey have had so much bad news, so many failed tests, so much heartbreak that we don’t accept good luck when it happens. We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Um, wait. What? BFP?

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

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Soooo, after trying all day to hold it together (sneaking cry breaks in the restroom and pleading allergies to explain my red rimmed eyes and stuffy nose) I spent the early evening with Dr. Google feeling sorry for myself.

I finally decided to just go to CVS and get a FRER since everyone talks about how wonderful they are.  Came home and left them on the kitchen counter until my will broke 20 minutes later. Mind you, I used FMU at 6 AM today, and tonight I’d had a lot of water and juice to drink so I knew it was stupid to test.  Wasteful.  That I should wait til morning.

Snuck into the bathroom and turned the fan on so S couldn’t hear me opening the box. POAS and lo and behold. 2 line.  2 LINES!!!! 

It’s faint, but there.  And you don’t even need to stand-in-a-bright-light–squint-and-turn-your-head-just-right to see it!

Faint, but there! 10.5dp2dt Tested at 6 AM BFN, tested at 7 PM BFP

So, I’m trying to be cautiously optimistic. I knew the stats – early miscarriages, late miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies…but just for these few minutes I want to exalt in this state that I’m in –  this state I’ve never been in before. With child.  Fertile. PREGNANT.

*BTW, S is over the moon!  But he is (for once in his life) being extremely cautious with his optimism. I don’t think he’s gonna truly believe it until the beta day after tomorrow.  Hang tight in there little embaby!!

Catch up – failed cycle, scorpion shots

07 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Results, Stimming (Taking Ovarian Stimulation meds)

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Sorry I’ve been MIA for months and months.

My last cycle (the IUI) was unsuccessful, and then I left for my honeymoon which was a welcome break from high tech baby making and return to the regular old kind. But, to get caught up…

Upon return to the RE’s office we learned that I had a huge cyst on my left ovary so we waited for a cycle for it to go away.  Started on BCP and went in periodically to check on the progress of the cyst – ended up coasting on BCP for 3 weeks before it had shrunk enough to move forward.  Mind you, it was still 25+ mm we decided to go ahead and start the Lupron microdose flare protocol, but we thought it would shrink. It didn’t.  Anyway, the Lupron was terrible. It felt like a scorpion sting. And I had to do it to MYSELF, 2x every day, in the gut (in addition to the other shots). It also left big angry black and purple bruises with welts underneath – I was a total mess.

The bruise from my first microdose Lupron shot

In the middle of all this I went in to the RE’s for a follicle scan. While waiting for them to gel up the dildocam I asked if everyone had lots of problems with the Lupron, and they said “No.  No one every really says much about that one” at which point I revealed my bruised and battered abdomen. The doctor and the nurse exchanged a “look” and we got on with the dildocam. 2 follies. Only 2. After all that.  They weren’t sure if the cyst was causing problems or if I was over suppressed from the BCP but either way – 2. I was elated! Did this mean I could stop the scorpion shots?  Yes? Either they made it wrong (incorrect pH of the substrate) or I’m allergic (rare but it happens)?  Excellent! So what now Dr?

Says the doctor “Well, we’ve tried the antagonists protocal, and the Lupron microdose flare, why don’t we try the third?  The natural 3 day start”? So we did. I waited for AF, started shots on the 3rd day. This time things were better – 6 follies, all more or less the same size, growing together, no monster lead follie. We were thrilled! Plus, I only had to stim for 8 days! Which was a breeze compared to last time, and a walk in the park compared to the scorpion shots. Unfortunately, the one sad follie on my right ovary got let behind so as we got closer to the egg retrieval we were looking at 5, then 4 follies, which looked big enough to produce mature eggs. Here we go!