Ever since I got pregnant (4th IVF, using donor eggs for those of you just joining the convo) I’ve been struggling with what to do with this blog. Do I keep it? Start a different blog? Abandon it altogether?
Because I know how hard it is to see someone be successful in this process – even though you’re completely happy for them it’s terribly difficult. I know how awful it is to keep failing and watch everyone else succeed. It is really, really hard – demoralizing even. You go from being comrades, survivors, confidants to feeling (for me at least) on the outside, once again. Sonograms, doctor visits, bump pictures – they hurt. Believe me, I know. So if you have to unfollow me at this point I absolutely understand, and I don’t take it personally.
It’s just that the more I think about why I started this blog in the first place the more I feel that I need to continue my story here, because my story isn’t over, not by a long shot! The reality is that I am pregnant with 2 little boys as the result of egg donation. I’m ok with that. My husband is ok with that. My family, his family, our close friends – all “A-OK”. It’s the rest of the world I’m worried about. And some days it’s still hard. As I get bigger I get more and more questions about what we think they’ll look like, who we think they’ll take after, etc. And that’s only going to get worse after they’re born. I’m getting better at fielding the questions, but every so often I get really, really sad that I don’t have a genetic link with these babies (I know about epigenetics – I’m talking about a classic genetic link). I’m learning that, as happy as I am to have these little guys and as much as I already love them, there will always be an ache, a sore spot. And that’s ok. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or a bad mother. It makes me human. I didn’t get my fairy tale. What I did get was life – real, visceral, in-your-face reality. And I earned these babies with blood, sweat and tears – literally. And I think that’s an important story to tell. And I know that I, my sons, my whole family, will struggle with this for years to come. We will be honest with the boys about their conception, but that’s a story that has to be told and retold, made and remade for years and years. And it’s a complicated, emotional and difficult story for everyone involved. It’s going to be hard.
Certainly, folks have navigated these waters before and there are far more resources than there used to be, but it’s hardly commonplace. When I was researching donor eggs I had a hard time finding anything personal, most information was from clinics. And I didn’t just want to know the logistics – how to choose a donor, what meds to take, cost – I wanted to know how it all turned out. Did the donor conceived kids turn out ok? Did they feel like a family? Did the parents love them like their own? Did the parents dwell all the time on the differences between them and their children? Did they spend time looking for the donor in each mannerism? Or were these kids just kids like any other kids? And on and on and on…. So, I’m going to keep this blog so that anyone who is considering the same path I have taken can know how it all turned out – start to finish.
And with that, here is the obligatory bump picture – 2 days shy of 30 weeks pregnant with fraternal twin boys.
A Few Good Eggs said:
First of all, you look great.
Second, I know I, for one, would love it if you kept blogging. The donor egg decisions is a tough one and for those of us facing it, it *always* helps to know how someone reached the decision, how everything went for them, etc. It is wonderful to not feel so alone and your blog helps. Thank you for posting.
LOVEcomaDANI + LOVEcomaMOM said:
You’re good and healthy!! Hope your boys give you an easy time on their premiere day! And I dont think you should abandon your blog… I’m going through the infertility ride myself, and it’s good to see that some women get there.. makes me feel like it can happen to me too. Its not the same feeling I get when I see people outside of the IF circle get pregnant.. now, thats upsetting. But stories like your only bring hope! xox
Woah, that bump made me ‘woah’ out loud—you’re carrying so beautifully, so high and tight, as I think one of your care professionals put it. I’m glad you’re continuing. Because,as you know, I’ve got a donor-egg-conceived kiddo in utero right now and there is much I will need to process alongside you. We’ll learn and grow so much through this experience, but it will not be easy. Already people are saying to me: “Oh, half-Asian babies are the cutest!” and I just nod, knowing that, well, *actually*, I’ve got a 3/4 Asian babe on board (the donor half-Korean, half-Caucasian, my husband Korean). So I’m realizing that I will be experiencing that particular dissonance, well, forever. A small price to pay! But it’s there. xo
Please keep blogging. Selfish admission: others’ successes with DE are the only thing keeping me going right now as I muddle through losing my first DE IVF bub.
You look amazing for 30 weeks with two boys. So happy for you to be where you are with those boys on board.
I really like this blog: http://oliviasview.wordpress.com/ It’s from the UK, the author and her husband have two DI (now grown) children and her historic posts helped me process a lot of my questions about parenting a donor-conceived child and other related “stuff”. To repeat myself: please keep blogging. There is plenty of need for the experiences you’ll have to share once those boys leave the mother ship.
Thank you. I have read Olivia’s blog and enjoy it – I often send it to my parents and sister as I think she has a very optimistic yet balanced perspective on gamete donation. I’m so sorry about your recent loss. There aren’t any words of comfort that I can give that will help, but know that I’m thinking of you, and pulling for you. You’re amazingly strong!
Agree with everyone else that you should keep blogging. Especially now that I’m going down the DE route myself, it will be good to have others out there who I can turn to when (if?) we’re successful and dealing with issues like who to tell, how to talk about it with the baby, when, and so on. I keep having the “genetic link” conversation with my husband and he keeps trying to tell me that once I’m pregnant it won’t matter. I keep trying to tell him that no, it mostly won’t, but every once in a while it will. And I’ll never have the link that he will. I just don’t think he gets that.
I also agree that you should keep blogging. We’re almost certainly going to need DS to conceive our child next week and I have SO MANY QUESTIONS about what happens next. Too often the story stops during pregnancy or shortly after birth and for the donor-conceived child, it doesn’t. This morning I was reviewing our donor’s profile, and I know it’s not quite the same as what you’re going through, but it makes me so very, very sad for me that this our story played out.
Please keep blogging! My daughter is 20 months now and we used a DE. It’s taken me probably that much time to process the choice we made. At the time, it never occurred to me what a complicated choice that was. We used an anonymous donor and I often wonder how that will impact our lives later on. I just found your blog and would love keep up!
When I was considering the possibility of donor eggs, I always kept thinking one of the harder parts would be the innocent comments people would make about if the baby looked like you or not. I think it’s only human for you to feel a little sad about the road you had to take. It doesn’t take anything away from how much you love your boys. I’m glad you’re going to keep blogging because the more people talk about their DE experience maybe the less taboo it will be.
By the way, you look amazing!
I know I am a late commenter to this post but I echo the words before me… Please keep blogging! I, one day very soon, may venture down the donor egg path and this gives me wonderful hope.