Category Archives: pregnant after infertility

Donor eggs have some of birth mom’s genetics

29 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in Donor Eggs, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

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Just when I think I’m over something, BAM!, I get hit with an emotional bombshell.

At least this time it’s good!

Scrolling through Twitter I came across an interesting article about microRNA’s and how they can change the genetic information of a donor egg while in utero. Specifically,

Molecules known as MicroRNAs that are secreted in the mother’s womb can change the genetic information of the child, the researchers say….Practically speaking, this means the mother’s DNA influences the way the baby develops. Her genetic material essentially helps to “decide” which of her baby’s genes get turned on and off. Even more, it means the baby will acquire some DNA from the mother, even if the egg comes from another woman.

I know all about epigenetics and I have held tight to the idea that my boys were profoundly changed by the environment in which they grew. But the idea that they might actually have some of my DNA hit me like a ton of bricks. The difference is subtle but profound, at least for me. Suddenly I feel like I can take a little credit when people comment on my son’s hair, which is the same color as mine, or when they stop us and say that he’s my spittin’ image. No matter how comfortable I become with the fact that my boys didn’t come from my eggs some things have always hurt, just a little. Sometimes more than a little.

Whether or not they have my genetics doesn’t truly matter – it doesn’t change my love for them or their love for me or the fact that they are my sons – but the process that I had to go through to conceive them was extraordinarily difficult for me. Sometimes it’s good for me to stop and realize that I’m still healing and recovering from that process.

So, wherever you are in your process take a moment and honor your struggle. Give yourself a moment of grace and rest. It’s a long road but it’s worth the trip. And the trip is full of surprises!

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You know you’re pregnant after infertility if…

03 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by in IVF, Miscarriage, pregnant after infertility

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d3Hec22YNeUPfKe8bYFlIHXWcA18UzMp_lgA great article came out recently on fitpregnancy.com called “You know your pregnant after infertility if.…”. It’s a cute little piece of light hilarity that really rings true to me. Here are the highlights.

… the thought of conceiving via sex sounds as quaint as making your own soap or lighting the house with a kerosene lamp.

… you’ve been taking prenatal vitamins since 2011.

… “you feel guilty posting any photos of your bump on social media because you don’t want to make other women struggling to become pregnant jealous.” (I would have said sad/hurt rather than jealous but whatevs.)

… your baby announcement is a jumble of acronyms: “After 2 years unexplained IF, 3 failed IUIs (all BFN), 2 IVFs with ICSI, we finally have our BFP!”

… nothing baby-related is bought until you’ve passed the 24-week mark.

… the notion of twins doesn’t even freak you out because at least that way you’ll get more for your money

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And I would add –

…you always feel like a mommy “imposter”.

…you continue to pee on sticks well after the pregnancy is confined just to revel in the double lines.

…you’re hyperaware of how non-pregnant women look at you because you worry they might be having trouble conceiving and you know even seeing you makes them sad.

…you know the sex of the baby before the Dr. tells you because you have so much experience reading ultrasounds.

What would you add?

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We are good enough

03 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in Musings, pregnant after infertility

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One of the friends that I’ve referenced in this blog ended up having her own battle with infertility. After years of unsuccessful trying she finally went to see an RE. Turns out she had a hormone producing cyst that was interfering with her hormone levels and preventing conception. She and her doctor tried lots of different approaches and finally, after 2 years and on her 3rd and final IVF attempt she got pregnant with twins. She had a lovely and uneventful pregnancy and had her babies, a boy and a girl, last week at 35 weeks. Everyone was healthy, no NICU time despite her little girl being a tiny little thing. I couldn’t be happier for her!!

It’s funny though because it brings me right back to when my boys were tiny.  Man, that was hard. Particularly after infertility, because every moment with tiny, needy humans isn’t magical and wonderful and I felt guilty for having moments of annoyance and exasperation because I knew all too well all of the women that would give anything to trade places with me.

Regardless of whether you got pregnant naturally and easily or through extensive medical intervention, motherhood is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s often thankless. Many of the hardest parts take place under the cover of darkness and are never witnessed or remembered by anyone but you.

There are days where I don’t know how I’m going to get everything done, and there are nights when I lie in bed and wonder how I will find the energy and the strength to get up and do it all again. And there are all of the moments in between where I wonder if I’m doing it right and where I know I could be doing it better. It’s so hard. So to my new mom friend – good luck. It’s going to be difficult but you are strong enough. You can do it. And to all of us who manage to pull it together and find the strength and courage to get out of bed every day and do what needs to be done – I commend us. We’re doing a good job. We’re not perfect. Some days we’re great, some days we’re just ok, but every single day we show up. We love our kids and we try hard. And we are good enough.

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Guest post from another mom of donor conceived twins

08 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Guest Post, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

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Recently, another mother of donor conceived twins commented on one of my posts, and her story was so moving to me that I wanted to share it with you (with her permission). In particular, it was a relief for me to hear from a mother who has both a bio child and donor conceived children, as that’s a perspective I’ll never have. I thought you all might like to hear another perspective from a mom who’s been there.

Thank you Kelly, for sharing your incredible story with us.

I have a biological son who is now 19; I had him when I was 22 with my first husband. I developed secondary infertility, possibly due to endometriosis or due to the severe thyroid problems I developed with my first son, or some combination thereof. The end result is that I was never able to get pregnant again.

My first husband and I eventually split, and my current husband and I eventually got married. We got engaged knowing that I had infertility issues and we stopped using any protection during the year of our engagement so that we could go into medical treatment right after our wedding (but always hoping for that happy OOPS! – clearly that never materialized). We started off with 3 months of Clomid – nothing. Then 3 rounds of Clomid assisted IUI’s – nothing. Then 4 rounds of OE IVF – nothing.

When we first started, I had initially said that I wouldn’t consider using donor eggs, that if we got through our OE IVF, we would call it good and move on. Except… I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t ready to give up, and my husband, bless his heart, got right on board with it (the gut wrenching grief-from-the bottom-of my soul crying when we got the last negative call from the clinic may have made it an easy decision for him). We looked at both donor embryos (our clinic has an amazing embryo program with a money back guarantee if you don’t get pregnant in 3 attempts and has an 80% success rate) and donor eggs. However, my hubby really wanted that genetic connection, especially since I would still be carrying them. So, we moved forward with the DE.

I chose a donor purely on her physical attributes. I wanted someone with dark hair and eyes like me, and I wanted her to be tall, because I am really tall. I didn’t care about anything else, I just wanted to babies to at least be able to pass as mine. My husband’s sole request was that she be a proven donor.

Our fresh round failed, and at that point, I became convinced the issue was my uterus and not the eggs. I fell into a pretty heavy despair. My RE did a endometrial scratch, we did our transfer, and then I went back to work and promptly let it all go because I knew, without a doubt, that it would not work. Imagine my surprise when I got pregnant on that frozen round with our twin boys. I knew the very next day that something was different, but I refused to get my hopes up. I took a digital pregnancy test 8 days after the transfer and it immediately came up positive. It was so fast I didn’t even have time to pull my pants up. I literally set the test on the counter, stood up, and there it was – “PREGNANT”. At 11dp5dt my beta was 997, and my 2nd beta was over 2000. We knew we were having twins from that first test.

Having had a bio child and now 2 donor children, I am in a position to say that I don’t love my bio-son any more than I do my Twinks. They all came from me, and were all desperately wanted and loved.

As for looks…we got one who is my husband’s mini-me, from his looks to his temperament. And my husband and the donor both have dark hair, hubby has hazel-brown eyes, donor had brown eyes… and we got one baby who is blond and blue-eyed! We weren’t expecting that at all, lol. Everyone assumes he is a throwback to my dad’s side of the family as they are Danish and German and all fair and blue-eyed – people comment on it ALL THE TIME. To the point that I have given up reminding people that it can’t be possible, I just smile and nod my head and say thank you. However, I do like to think that my DNA turned those genes on and had some determination in their strong expression in him.

We registered on the donor sibling registry, and are in contact with the parent of one of our boy’s genetic half-sibling. It is only a couple of times a year, but it has been interesting. We are hoping to meet one day.

I don’t know how I feel about meeting the donor someday… conflicted, I suppose. I am so thankful for what she did… but I also have this fear of my boys wanting to get to know their donor. But, we decided before I even got pregnant that we would be honest with them from the get-go, and have books that we read to them (they are 17 months old) even now, and talk about it pretty openly in our house, with our family and friends. We have been very blessed that everyone in our lives was immediately open to and receptive of this idea, even people I thought were going to struggle with the idea. My family treats the boys just like they treated my older son.

It was a heart wrenching and long 3 year journey, but so worth it.

I love sharing my story with over DE moms so thank you for letting me do that.

A hierarchy to suffering?

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IUI, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

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My best friend got divorced this past Monday and I was her witness. I spent the night at her house so that I could distract and support her and so that we could arrive at court together. Another friend of hers joined us on Sunday night – a woman from her neighborhood who was set to undergo a double mastectomy on Tues. We were a jolly bunch!

During the course of the night this friend expressed something interesting. She told us that when she was with other woman who were breast cancer survivors or with women in the process of treating breast cancer she felt dismissed – her cancer wasn’t “bad” enough, she hasn’t had chemo or radiation, she hasn’t had a recurrence. She spoke of feeling terribly alone in her process because people without cancer didn’t understand, but people with cancer – presumably the folks who would know what she was feeling and experiencing and help her along the way – were not very supportive.

I can’t speak to the experience of having breast cancer or being a cancer survivor, but the description resonated with me because of its similarity to the infertility “hierarchy of suffering”. Here is a breakdown of many of the possible iterations of fertility issues –

  • You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant eventually.
  • You had a child (or children) but then experienced secondary infertility.
  • You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant with limited medical intervention (IUI, Clomid, etc.).
  • You got pregnant using IVF and it worked the first time.
  • You got pregnant using IVF after 2-3 tries.
  • You got pregnant and lost the baby but got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy.
  • You got pregnant using IVF but it required many rounds of treatment.
  • You experienced recurrent pregnancy loss followed by a successful pregnancy.
  • You got pregnant using donor eggs.
  • You have never successfully gotten or stayed pregnant.

If you’ve been around the infertility world for any length of time you could put these into an order, a hierarchy of suffering. And that order would be based on many things, including your own experience. I can shamefacedly admit that I’m guilty of being (inwardly) dismissive of some of these experiences, as if they have less importance or value than my personal experience. I think it’s natural to feel that people who have endured “less” than you can’t possibly understand the pain and anguish you’ve felt. How can a women who has never experienced the loss of pregnancy understand recurrent pregnancy loss? If IVF worked for you the first time how can you possibly understand what it’s like to endure round after round of unsuccessful treatment? While I think that these are natural reactions I also believe that we need to fight against this instinct. All of these scenarios are difficult. Women in all of these situations need and deserve our support. There should be no hierarchy to suffering – everyone has their own process, and everyone handles these challenges differently. My friend with DOR did 3 rounds of  IVF without a successful pregnancy and happily moved on to adoption without regret and without giving it another thought. I did 3 rounds of IVF with 1 loss, successfully got pregnant using donor eggs and I am still suffering from grief, loss and shame.

As someone who has run the gamut of infertility and had to resort to something outside of the common experience even in this community (donor eggs) I fall high on the “suffering scale”. I am guilty of feeling that people who have had early success can’t possibly understand my process. I want to change that. I don’t want anyone facing infertility (or pregnancy loss) to feel like they don’t have allies in the community or to feel like they’re outsiders simply because they haven’t suffered enough. That’s ridiculous. So please, if you’re feeling isolated, if you’re feeling alone, if you’re scared and uncertain – get in touch with me. Leave a comment. I will stand by you and hold your hand. We should all be in this together.

I’ve got your back.

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A man’s perspective on infertility

27 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Musings, pregnant after infertility

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Have you guys seen this?

It’s a post about infertility from the man’s perspective. I just cried my way through it. We spend so much time focusing on whats happening to us, the women. After all we’re usually the ones getting the shots, the blood draws, the dildocam – we’re the ones with our legs spread on the table so that a bunch of strangers can examine us and give us bad news. Sometimes our partners get left behind. And they are suffering too, just maybe more quietly or in different ways.

Anyway, this is worth a read.

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A blog of a different name…

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

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Hi friends!

This blog, my infertility blog (Hope) is like my personal online diary that you guys all happen to read. I think of it kind of like when Harry Potter finds Tom Riddle’s journal and they talk and give each other advice and whatnot, except you guys are awesome and not at all evil! I never would have made it through this process without you. Truly.

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But I just can’t let people I know in real life read this blog. For lots of reasons. It’s too raw. Too close. Maybe one day, but that day isn’t today. Do you know what I mean?

So, in order to have a blog that I feel more comfortable sharing “publicly” (yes I’m aware that the internet is public, but you know what I mean) I’ve started a new blog. This one is documenting the joys and trials of having twins. If you want the link send me a message and I’ll send it to you.

When I was debating using donor eggs I went out looking for the “after” blogs. Were people successful? What was it like to have donor egg babies 2, 3, 7 years after the donation? Did it feel weird? Did they love the children the same? (I ask a lot of these questions in posts of years past). So I hope that this new blog can serve that function as well. I know how hard it is to read posts from the people who have been successful when you’re still struggling. You can be ecstatic for them and still not want to hear about it. I know. Trust me.

So, I’m still going to be posting here, and hopefully with more regularity now that things have settled down some. But I’ll also be over there, so please come and visit!

Names?

12 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by in pregnant after infertility

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We have had a hard time agreeing on names. My husbands favorites are Fred and George (no, he’s hasn’t read Harry Potter) and I like Ezra and Micah. I hate his choices and he hates mine. Family names are out (his are Fred and George) and he doesn’t like mine (James and Caleb). We’ve found a handful of names that we’re both ok with but we don’t really want to name them until we’ve seen them. Of course, we know which ones we prefer and secretly call them those names. So, in our heads we’ve been calling them Zach and Rowan. Other possibilities are Max and Sam (or any combo of the 4). So today I was FB chatting with a friend who knows about my infertility issues and she out of the blue said “You’re naming one of the babies Samuel, right?” I told her I didn’t know for sure but why did she ask? She reminded me of the Biblical story of Hannah and Samuel. Now, I’m not religious at all, but my family is all southern Baptist and I grew up going to church twice a week so I’m very familiar with scripture. So, for those of you who are rusty on your old testament, here is an excerpt from About.com…

Hannah is one of the most poignant characters in the Old Testament. Like several other women in the Bible, she was barren. People in ancient Israel believed that a large family was a blessing from God. Infertility, therefore, was a source of humiliation and shame. To make matters worse, her husband’s other wife not only bore children but taunted Hannah mercilessly.

Once, at the house of the Lord in Shiloh, Hannah was praying so intently that her lips moved silently with the words she spoke to God in her heart. Eli the priest saw her and accused her of being drunk. She answered that she was praying, pouring out her soul to the Lord. Touched by her pain,

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” (1 Samuel1:17, NIV)

After Hannah and her husband Elkanah returned from Shiloh to their home at Ramah, they slept together. Scripture says, “…and the Lord remembered her.” (1 Samuel 1:19, NIV). She became pregnant, had a son, and named him Samuel, which means “God hears.”

To me, this story is very poignant. I prefer the name Rowan, but I don’t see how I could not name one of the boys Sam now. What do you guys think?

*They’re middle names are Kyllo (DH’s mothers maiden name) and Dean (the name my father goes by).

Chubby babies!

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, pregnant after infertility

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Just got our wellness check. Each baby weighs 6 lbs 3 oz (!) and looks healthy – good heart rates and both are practicing breathing which is a good sign for lung development. Both are still breech, chilling with their heads together under my right ribcage and their butts in my pelvis. I’m 48″ around, no sign of gestational diabetes and my blood pressure is 112/68, but that will be increasing dramatically if these fat, wiggly babies don’t vacate sometime in the near future. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks….(and at that point we’ve probably avoided the NICU). Grow babies grow!! And then come out and meet your family. We’re ready for you!!

35 weeks tomorrow

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

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Things have been moving right along, and by moving right along I mean time is dragging so slowly I can’t even believe it. After so many years of trying and dreaming and wishing and hoping to be pregnant I swore I would never complain. I would enjoy every moment and revel in every change. Well….I’m trying. I’m trying really hard. But holy shit, this is the most physically demanding thing I’ve ever done. I hurt. All over. The only part of me that doesn’t hurt are my upper arms and my ears. Seriously. My abdominal muscles have torn in 2 places, and that’s where the babies love to rest their little heads. The heartburn is so bad that I vomit every few hours, even when sitting straight up (I am maxed out on Zantac, Tums, Papaya Extract and milk) and I refuse to eat anything that has even the slightest acid content. Both babies are breech now (more on that in a minute) which means I have 2 heads pushing on my diaphragm and ribs (so I can neither breath nor bend) and 4 little feet pummeling my plumbing. I can’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time (vomiting or peeing, take your pick) and I’m having painful contractions 3-4 times an hour for the last 2 weeks. I know, I know, it’s worth it. It’s what I wanted. There are thousands of women who would do anything to be in my place. Trust me – I KNOW. But damn. 

In other news, we were in a car accident last week. It was minor (for us) – 5 car pile up on the freeway where some lady was texting and didn’t see that traffic had stopped and never touched her breaks. She slammed into the guy in front of her who hit the guy in front of him yada yada. We were the last car hit, first in line if you know what I mean. 3 of the 5 cars were totaled. We had almost no damage. My husband saw it coming, told us to brace, honked at the guy in front of him (who moved up about 10 ft) and then he released the brake at the moment of impact, thus helping to dissipate the energy of collision. We were all fine – the airbags didn’t even deploy. BUT, the guy behind us was hooked on our trailer hitch, and we were in the middle of the freeway where traffic was zooming by at 75 mph on both sides of us. S called 911, reported the accident, told him “We can’t move because the guy behind us is stuck, traffic is zooming by and my wife is 8 1/2 months pregnant. I’m afraid we’re going to get hit again. Can you send someone quick?” Well, within 4 minutes there were firetrucks and ambulances and police cars and the whole 3 ring circus. The paramedics come running to our truck at a full sprint to take my vitals and try and put me in the ambulance to go to the hospital. I’m insisting I’m fine and don’t want to go. I made the mistake of telling them “I feel fine and I can feel both babies moving.” BOTH BABIES!???? I thought their heads would pop off. When I still refused to go to the hospital they insisted I call my OB, who also insisted I go to the hospital. *sigh* I still refused to go in the ambulance so my husband and a bunch of police officers and firemen and paramedics lifted the other guys car off of our hitch so we could go. They were very accommodating about paperwork and whatnot and told us they would come to the house the next day.

So, off we go to the hospital where I’m admitted and monitored for 5 hours. Blood work, ultrasound, monitors for me and for both babies. As it turns out both babies are breech and I’m having a crapload of contractions. My blood pressure and blood work are great and both babies are breathing beautifully. The accident occurred at 4:35 PM and we didn’t get home until after 11. Want to talk about a tired, hungry, cranky pregnant lady!!! Anyway, all’s well the ends well, I guess.

 

I am legion

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, fear, pregnant after infertility

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No offense intended to anyone with religious leanings, but now that my body very clearly contains 3 separate people with their own personalities, thoughts (and especially) sleep schedules the title just seems to fit.

I’ve been strangely “unbusy”. I find that I can lay for hours on the couch in a semi-awake daze – something my overactive brain has never once in my entire life allowed me to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things that need doing, I just have ZERO drive or motivation to do any of them. My baby brain is bad. I didn’t do anything – work, manuscript writing, housework – last week. I just….couldn’t. I would open a document to start working, have a contraction, lay down and then go to sleep. Wake up, eat, watch soccer, remember I was supposed to be working and lay down again. This is totally unlike me.

I’ve physically gotten to the point where I make other people visibly uncomfortable. Even the saleslady at Motherhood told me to go home and stay home when I went in to get measured for nursing bras. So, the only time I’ve really been out the house for the last week or two has been to go to child birthing classes. I went to a breastfeeding class and a birthing center tour at the hospital where I’ll deliver, and the last 2 Sat.’s we went to birthing classes – one at the hospital and one at a local birthing center. BTW, I highly recommend taking those kinds of classes. Even my husband agreed that they were useful and says he feels much more confident now. At the “hippie-dippie” natural birthing class (as my husband called it) I just jumped right in during introductions and told them that I was pregnant with fraternal twins as a result of egg donation. The teacher and one of the other ladies then both said they had (or were having) children as a result of IVF. During the break several couples came up to us and asked very good and thoughtful questions about how we arrived at that decision and what the process was like. And, of course, everyone had a story about a sister/friend/aunt/cousin who was infertile and how hard their struggle was. Granted, this was by its very nature a supportive environment, but I was quite pleased that my first foray into “telling strangers” went so well.

Anyway, the babies are really big and I am super uncomfortable. They’re also very active which is great, but they’ve actually split my abdominal muscles in 3 places from all of their squirming, which isn’t so great. The nursery is finished (I think) and we have just about everything ready to go. My bags are packed for the hospital. My birth plan is ready. Now all we have to do it hope and pray that Baby A will turn head down so that I can at least TRY to implement my birth plan. I really want to try and do this “pioneer style” – no meds at all, completely naturally if possible. I know people think I’m crazy, and it may end up (for any number of reasons) that this won’t happen, but I feel like the whole conception process, as grateful as I am for it, was so medically orchestrated and outside of me that I want this to be just me. Me and my husband and our babies. I want to feel it all. Maybe I’m looking for some extra legitimacy – some additional “I carried you and birthed you and I am your mother” fodder for down the road, I don’t know. I just feel strongly that I at least want to try. I want to prove to myself that my body isn’t broken. I felt for so long like I was defective, like less of a woman, because I couldn’t get pregnant. Now that I’ve watched my body grow these babies I want to, once and for all, wipe away those feelings of defectiveness and feel powerful. I want to prove to myself (and to my boys and my husband) that just because I couldn’t do one little thing (like produce a viable egg) doesn’t mean I am any less of a mother or a woman. Wow. Writing that down it becomes clear to me that the only person I need to prove that to is myself. Huh.

Here’s the latest bump picture – my mom says I look like a mongrel dog with the big belly and the protruding ribs (not as visible in this picture as in real life). hahaha! I swear, I’m eating constantly, but these little fellas are just sucking it out of me. I’ve currently gained just shy of 50 lbs, so I’m on track for weight gain, I’m just ALL BABIES.

 

Update on all the things

07 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

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First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate your kind words. It’s very heartening to know that there are people out there going through the same (or similar) issues – even though I wish none of us had to deal with this stuff. Anyway, thanks!

Now for an update on the babies! We had a growth scan on Tues which was right at 30 weeks. Baby A is measuring 31 weeks 5 days and is 3 lbs 9 oz. Baby B is measuring 30 weeks 6 days and is 3 lbs. 4 oz. They have always been within an oz of each other so I was concerned about the difference but the midwife said it was great for them to be measuring this close at this stage. Heart rates look good. Both are still transverse but I’m hoping hard for Baby A to turn so I can try to give birth “pioneer style” as my husband would say. The midwife thinks I’ll make it to 36 weeks if I’m careful.

I am measuring 49 weeks *gulp*  and it’s starting to get really hard. I have severe carpal tunnel in both hands from the swelling, I’ve gained 43 lbs (which is more than 1/3 of my previous body weight) and I have an “irritable uterus”. Apparently, when you shove a bunch of big babies into your uterus it gets kinda pissed off, which seems totally reasonable to me. But, the result is that I have a combination of almost constant Braxton-Hicks (which started at 5.5 months), “rock hard uterine contractions” (not the clinic term – it’s when the contraction kind of freezes and the uterus stays hard and tight for several hours), and “real” but disorganized contractions. The kind that wrap around and hurt, a lot. The doctor is monitoring me closely and I’m trying hard to take it easy but the things that make the contractions worse are completely ridiculous. For instance, dehydration – even slight dehydration – really gets them going. As does a full bladder. As does the act of urinating. Someone please tell me how I’m supposed to manage those 3 things? In Phoenix? In the summer? Gah!

But, the crazy thing is that I can now (mostly) identify the baby parts that I see poking out of my belly. Tiny fists, feet, forearms, heads….it’s a total trip. Space is getting pretty limited so the hard kicks are slowing down and the boys are mostly just wiggling and poking now.

And…..a quick update on the home front situation. My husbands ex-wife is finally in jail. For those of you just tuning in – my husbands ex is crazy nuts. I know, I know, that makes me sound like a shallow, jealous new wife, but I am oh-so-serious. She is in jail for trying to burn her father’s house down WITH HIM INSIDE. At 9:30 AM on a Tues, like you do. She was drunk, on cocaine and Xanax and 11 weeks pregnant (and knew she was pregnant). Also, she’s 41. So, felony malicious arson of an inhabited structure, arson of property (for his truck), conspiracy to commit arson (she was with some guy she met at Joe’s Crab Shack the night before), use of an accelerant, and there may be an attempted murder charge thrown in for shits and giggles. And now is NOT the time to be on trial for arson in San Diego County! And only she could manage to get arrested in front of her kid from 500 miles away. They were Facetiming when the police arrested her. The US Marshal called my husband and said “You might want to talk to your kid. She was on the screen when we arrested her mom.” Of course, he was out-of-town so the “your mom got arrested and is in jail” conversation fell to me.

Anyway, H-bomb (my pet name for crazy lady) had not exercised her visitation rights, well, ever, so A hadn’t seen her since Thanksgiving (court ordered supervised visitation for 4 hours every other weekend). However, we still had to pay child support to facilitate her travel to see her daughter for visitation.  ???  But, FINALLY upon her arrest the judge cancelled child support and H-bomb will have to pay back the  support for the previous 6 months (which was part of the original order).

Strangely, A seems fine with it all. I explained (in very general terms) what her mother had done (Mommy broke the grown up rules, which are called laws, and now she has to face the consequences, which means she has to live in jail now. We don’t know for how long yet, etc). She asked a few questions, thought about it a bit, asked a few more questions and then she was good. I explained that she probably wouldn’t ever live with her mom again, to which she replied “That’s ok, I don’t want to live with her. It’s safer here. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes”. I asked her how she felt and she said “Disappointed. Why can’t she get it together? Why does she always have to do bad things?”. We took her to the child psychologist who said she seems fine and happy and well-adjusted, and she won the “Happiest” award for 3rd grade at her school. So, we’re doing what we can. If anyone has any experience with kind of thing let me know, because we’re just muddling through as best we can!

I’m back!!

28 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

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Sorry for the lengthy absence – I’ve been busy! But, I have lots of news.

1) I finished my Ph.D!! It has been a race to the finish and some of the worst weeks of my life but it’s done! Hurray!!

2) And now for the news you’ve all been waiting for…..we did a gender reveal party at the end of March. No one knew the genders except my friend D. She  baked 100 cupcakes (half chocolate with white icing for Baby B and half white with chocolate icing for Baby A) and then she filled each one with frosting in either pink or blue. We had a big party with all of our friends (my whole family Facetimed in) and then we all bit into A and then into B. Drum roll please…….

2 BABY BOYS!!!!!!

Gender reveal cupcakes - 2 boys!!

Gender reveal cupcakes – 2 boys!!

 

And they are growing like crazy! They are both measuring 2 weeks ahead and are only ounces apart. I’m 25 weeks tomorrow and I’m measuring at almost 38 weeks. I’ve gained 40 lbs and it’s almost all in my belly. I’m huge! It’s nuts!! I still have moments when I can’t believe I’m pregnant. The midwife says I’m carrying “high and tight”. The boys are kicking hard enough now that you can see it from the outside, and my step-daughter walks around with her hands always on my stomach, squealing when she feels her brothers. It’s so joyful, and exhausting. After all this time waiting for babies and wishing for babies I am overcome. Here’s some baby faces for you.

22 weeks

22 weeks

I think about the donor a few times a week, mostly when people ask me if I think they’ll have red hair. I still have some disappointment that these boys aren’t genetically related to me – I think that will always be there – but they are my babies through and through.

In somewhat unrelated news my husband (who has barely even heard of Harry Potter) has decided he wants to name them Fred and George. Really? Potentially red-haired boy twins named Fred and George? I keep trying to explain why this is unacceptable but he is unfazed. For my part, I want to name them Ezra and Micah, but S says they’d turn out to be dirty hippies! Jokes on you big guy-you married a dirty hippie! So,no name resolution yet.

AND IN OTHER NEWS….MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!! You know, the sister who offered to donate her eggs and was told (5 months before her wedding no less) that she also had DOR and was unlikely to ever conceive. Yeah, her. NATURALLY. They started trying and 8 months later – 2 pink lines. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Truly. Not one bit of jealousy or animosity. I wouldn’t wish this process on anyone, especially not my baby sister. And my mother – I think her head is going to explode. She went from being told she was unlikely to ever have any grandchildren to expecting 3 grandbabies within 4 months of each other. My dad is planning to retire since, he says, mom  isn’t ever going to be at home again.

Anyway, just wanted to give a brief update. Now that I’m not writing/revising 18 hours a day I’ll have more time for updates – baby showers and nursery things are coming soon. In the meantime I’ll leave you with some bump pictures…

17 weeks

17 weeks

20 weeks

20 weeks

21 weeks

21 weeks

22 weeks

22 weeks

23.5 weeks

23.5 weeks

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

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I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.

5.5 weeks

5.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

11 weeks

11 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

Baby A

Baby A at 12 weeks 1 day

Baby B

Baby B at 12 weeks 1 day

Our Facebook announcement

Our Facebook announcement

14 weeks
14 weeks

 

Allegory of the Cave

17 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, IVF, Musings, pregnant after infertility

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This post has been marinating my brain for a while. I know what I want to say, but I can’t seem to find the right words so I’m just going to jump right in. I know these thoughts aren’t terribly profound, and you’re not likely to stand up and say “Wow, I’m so enlightened now” but I feel like it’s an important thing to acknowledge.

I think the dark days are mostly over. All of the stressors are still in place, but the overwhelming fear and anxiety and frustration are (mostly) gone. Which is interesting, because I started to immediately feel better after my last post. It seems that the very act of acknowledging and articulating my fears and frustrations drained the “poison” from the wounds. Like I said, not profound – after all this is the reason that talk therapy works, the reason people confess their sins, the reason people pray. But nonetheless I felt a profound sense of relief. And I received overwhelming support. It was like I was chained in Plato’s cave and by recognizing my fears and asking for help you all shined your collective lights into the shadows and helped me to accept and validate that my fears, while real, weren’t nearly as frightening as I imagined.

Isn’t it interesting? I have such profound love and gratitude for a group of people that I don’t even know. I could pass you in the grocery store and we wouldn’t recognize each other. And yet you have been a tremendous source of support to me. I have read your comments over and over again, even when I didn’t have the words to reply. I started this blog on a whim, as a way to document my journey (rather like an electronic diary) and hopefully to help anyone else who found themselves in a similar position. To be honest the fact the people even read this little blog is still shocking to me. And it has turned into a lifeline. There’s a lot of chatter about how social media is taking the  “social” out of society and that may be true. But the interwebs also offer the amazing opportunity to connect with people you would never otherwise know. It has given me the space to be complete honest and uncensored, without fear (well, without much fear) of judgement. It is an invaluable resource. YOU are an invaluable resource. Thank you for sharing my journey. And I am honored to be able to share yours.

Now for an update…

I graduated from the RE last week. We had our last ultrasound at 9 weeks 2 days and Baby A was measuring 24 mm (9w 1 d) and Baby B was measuring 26mm (9w 3d). Both had nice strong heartbeats. Baby A was sleeping but we got to see Baby B wiggling around, which was an immensely satisfying moment for me. My next appointments are on Jan 27 (with the Ob) and Jan 29 (for an ultrasound and to test for Down’s).

I’ve actually started telling people. It’s earlier than I would have liked, but inevitable. I popped. At 9.5 weeks. I’m showing. I’m still in that “is she pregnant or is she chubbing up?” phase, but to anyone who knows me at all it’s clear that I’m not just chunking up. I don’t have a really small frame but I am relatively thin and fit so the pooch is very obvious, even under bulky sweatshirts (which are themselves suspicious since it’s 75 degrees out). The reception has been heartwarming, with the notable exception of my Ph.D. advisor, who was lukewarm (but that was still loads better than I expected).

My mother is over the moon, and actually reached out to a friend of hers from college whose daughter did IVF (not DE, but there’s not really that many of us). She tells everyone she meets that her daughter is pregnant with twins and when they sometimes ask “Naturally?”, she says “No, they struggled for a long time with infertility and found success doing IVF”. She doesn’t mention DE, which is fine as it’s a bit much for casual conversation, but I am so pleased that she doesn’t seem to view of the method of our conception as anything but a selling point. She seems to have adopted the attitude that anyone can have a baby, but that her child had to fight for her babies, and that makes her proud.

Recently I was corresponding with a friend who is also pregnant from DE, and she asked me if I ever think of the donor. I do. But not often. These are my babies, not hers. The importance of her role in this process can not be overstated, and I will always be grateful to her beyond belief. But all of the doubts and concerns I had about doing DE are almost totally gone. Like I said – these are my babies. I am building them out of my own blood, sweat and tears (and vomit, lots of vomit).

I’m excited to be pregnant. I’m scared, but in the normal way. My husband has finally relaxed and allowed himself to believe that these might actually be living breathing children in our arms one day. We’re talking about cribs and strollers and co-sleeping. But I still feel suspended between 2 worlds – not really part of the pregnant lady club (after all I snuck into their fete through an unlocked back door) but no longer really part of the infertility tribe (although I am still infertile – I have DOR and still am unable to have my own biological children – I just found a work around). I’ve chased down the many resource y’all sent for “pregnant after infertility” and am working to understand and integrate into that community. But in truth I still feel like a pregnancy impostor. The experiences of the women in my prenatal yoga class are unbelievably foreign to me. They seem so relaxed and natural about their pregnancies…what must that be like? But, that is a post for another day…