I know it’s been a million years since I’ve written – I’m so sorry! I’ve been so busy! This twins thing is nuts.

Let me begin by saying that they are more spectacular than I ever could have imagined. They are huge and healthy and beautiful. (There’s so much I want to say I can’t get my thoughts in order). They are wonderful. They are such a gift.

I still think of the donor every day. It still hurts. There are some days when I cry sad and bitter tears because they aren’t “mine”. I didn’t contribute (in the usual way) to the absolute miracle and wonder that are my boys. That being said, I also recognize on a deeper level that they would not exist without me. Some days I feel like the force of my will brought them into existence, and in some ways I guess it did.

I have struggled with many things these last few months – motherhood, lack of sleep, lack of confidence, breastfeeding, loneliness, fear…. In particular breastfeeding has been a struggle. Both babies were tongue-tied and we had to supplement from the start. R latches now and I’ve resigned myself to pumping for Z but I have struggled with disproportionate feelings of inadequacy due to my breastfeeding struggles. A few weeks ago I faced the fact that I was so set on breastfeeding because I subconsciously felt like it would make me more of a mother to them. I have realized that I have a hard time asking for help, or showing weakness or really compromising any of my motherhood “ideals” because I feel the need to prove (to them? myself? the world?) that I really and truly am their mother. I’m working through it, but it was a big realization for me. A hard fact to face.

That being said, I think I’m actually doing a pretty good at this mother thing. They are big and healthy – both are 26.5 inches long and they weigh 17 lbs 1 oz and 16 lbs 4 oz at 4 months. Z can roll over in both directions and has 2 teeth. R talks to everyone and lights up the room with his big gummy smile. He can stand up tall if you hold his fat little fingers. They babble to each and giggle with delight when the cats walk by. R will belly laugh if someone says “Mongolian BBQ” – don’t ask me why. Z is a champion napper but won’t sleep at night. R thinks naps are for amateurs but sleeps the whole night through.

They are amazing, and I can’t believe they’re mine.