I know it’s been a million years since I’ve written – I’m so sorry! I’ve been so busy! This twins thing is nuts.
Let me begin by saying that they are more spectacular than I ever could have imagined. They are huge and healthy and beautiful. (There’s so much I want to say I can’t get my thoughts in order). They are wonderful. They are such a gift.
I still think of the donor every day. It still hurts. There are some days when I cry sad and bitter tears because they aren’t “mine”. I didn’t contribute (in the usual way) to the absolute miracle and wonder that are my boys. That being said, I also recognize on a deeper level that they would not exist without me. Some days I feel like the force of my will brought them into existence, and in some ways I guess it did.
I have struggled with many things these last few months – motherhood, lack of sleep, lack of confidence, breastfeeding, loneliness, fear…. In particular breastfeeding has been a struggle. Both babies were tongue-tied and we had to supplement from the start. R latches now and I’ve resigned myself to pumping for Z but I have struggled with disproportionate feelings of inadequacy due to my breastfeeding struggles. A few weeks ago I faced the fact that I was so set on breastfeeding because I subconsciously felt like it would make me more of a mother to them. I have realized that I have a hard time asking for help, or showing weakness or really compromising any of my motherhood “ideals” because I feel the need to prove (to them? myself? the world?) that I really and truly am their mother. I’m working through it, but it was a big realization for me. A hard fact to face.
That being said, I think I’m actually doing a pretty good at this mother thing. They are big and healthy – both are 26.5 inches long and they weigh 17 lbs 1 oz and 16 lbs 4 oz at 4 months. Z can roll over in both directions and has 2 teeth. R talks to everyone and lights up the room with his big gummy smile. He can stand up tall if you hold his fat little fingers. They babble to each and giggle with delight when the cats walk by. R will belly laugh if someone says “Mongolian BBQ” – don’t ask me why. Z is a champion napper but won’t sleep at night. R thinks naps are for amateurs but sleeps the whole night through.
They are amazing, and I can’t believe they’re mine.
Hope is something you pee on 
Oh, they’re just beautiful! Happy to hear you’re happy 🙂
Omg they’re adorable! Brings tears to my eyes! And I don’t look at them and think of anyone but you as their mother. Because you are, and you are right, they would not exist without you. You are doing an amazing job mamma, don’t forget it! (My almost 8 month old is only 16 pounds, she is a girl though!).
Exactly. That’s exactly right. And I wouldn’t change them for the world! Hope you’re doing great
So stinkin cute! Sending you reassurance and peace and your sort through al your feelings about what it means for them to feel like “yours”. I have an occasional sad day too where I feel like I am missing out on one essential piece of making them. But then I look at them and realized that they would not be who they are if it weren’t for the donor
Awwww!!! They are adorable and look IDENTICAL!! I have b/g twins and it was so hard at the beginning yet so rewarding! You got this!!!
They are adorable!! I can’t get over how big they are at 4 months! Especially for twins. You are certainly doing something right mommy! 🙂 A lot of things right.
Oh honey, breastfeeding is such a fragile place for so many of us. When it doesn’t work perfectly or at all, those feelings you’ve been having are the first place I expect most of us to go. That doesn’t help where you have been but I really want you to know that you are (a) not alone there; (b) a wonderful and devoted mom; and (c) a hero to your babies every single day. I’m so glad they’re yours too.
Thank you!!
Congrats! These boys are YOURS & yours alone. You had two cells donated and the rest of their millions of cells came from YOU. Only two cells (one for each boy) came from the donar. I’m just about to start my third round of FET with donar eggs. Bad luck for me but this gives me hope.
Thank you for the kind words. Best of luck with this next round-I have my fingers crossed for you!!!
They are gorgeous!! They are yours, you are their mama. The donor gave you the eggs, but think about it, you gave them life. I am so happy for you, they grow soo fast, enjoy them.
And ah…. Breastfeeding. Absolutely not a walk in the park
Breastfeeding is hard. Breastfeeding twins…I am in awe of the women who have successfully done it. I had a really hard time and had a lot of the feelings you are having when it didn’t work and I had to accept that I would just be pumping. I often felt that if I had a singleton, I would have been able to work through some of the issues, but with two babies both having issues, it was too overwhelming for me. Anything you give them – boob, breastmilk, formula – is perfect. The are obviously growing and healthy so whatever you are doing is right.
They are adorable! And they look so much alike!
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. I am just about to start my very first DE cycle, and the closer I get, the more scared I get. I question our decision every day and am so terrified that (if I do manage to get pregnant) I won’t love my babies. I’m so scared that I won’t love them as much as I would of loved them had they been my own eggs. And that makes me feel guilty, ungrateful, and as though I’m going to be an awful mom 😦 Are these questions normal??!!
I know in my heart we have made the right choice, and I know that it’s our love, our spirits, and my body that will make our children. I just wish I could forget about those teeny tiny eggs and those damn chromosomes!
I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog – thank you X
I have so much to say about this I don’t know where to start. To be honest with you I do miss the genetic link, but only because I think my babies are the most perfect, amazing, Miraculous things in the entire world. I wouldn’t give them up for anything. If I could have my own genetic children, but not have these boys, I would decline. I think your fears are totally normal, and I think it means that you’re being honest with yourself, and that can only be a good thing. I wish you luck on your journey. Please keep me updated on your progress. I have you in my thoughts
Thanks so much! You are so inspiring! And I really love your honesty. Your babies are beautiful – WELL DONE on getting through it all! X