I’m infertile. Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) to be exact. When I started this journey I was 35 but my ovaries were more like 48, and unfortunately, in my mind that became my defining characteristic.
I’m infertile. I’m also a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a step-mother. Unfortunately, the odds are not in my favor for actual biological motherhood.
My husband and I got married in October 2011 but our TTC (trying to conceive) journey began before that – let’s face it, neither of us were getting any younger so we went ahead and got on with it. Clearly, we had no luck. After the required 6 months we went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who gave us THE DIAGNOSIS.
During this journey I was also a Ph.D student at a large university, which didn’t help my stress level. To be frank, people in my field aren’t usually women and the ones that are don’t go off having babies, especially not on purpose.
I had never really thought about starting a blog, but once we got THE DIAGNOSIS the internet was the only place I could go for support and information. I read everything. Medical journals, TTC boards, blogs. So many personal, painful, joyful, honest, funny, and heart breaking stories – it became my lifeline. I am so profoundly grateful to all the women (and men, infertility doesn’t just impact women) who shared their experiences. They made me feel connected, less alone – this process can be so terribly isolating. So here I am.
Why though? I have a loving husband, supportive friends and a wonderful family. Why am I telling my darkest fears and thoughts, sharing intimate and embarrassing details with strangers? Because it’s easier to throw these things out into the void of cyberspace then to keep them inside me. Because I need to give my long suffering husband and friends a break. Because this process has made me feel so overwhelmed and afraid and…broken…and I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do.
I promise to be as honest as possible. It’s not gonna be pretty, and I don’t know how it’s gonna end, but this is my journey.
**Update – After multiple medicated cycles and IUI’s, 3 failed IVF attempts and 1 miscarriage my husband and I decided to use donor eggs. We now have healthy, beautiful, fraternal twin boys as the result of gamete donation.