I’m infertile. Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) to be exact. When I started this journey I was 35 but my ovaries were more like 48, and unfortunately, in my mind that became my defining characteristic.
I’m infertile. I’m also a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a step-mother. Unfortunately, the odds are not in my favor for actual biological motherhood.
My husband and I got married in October 2011 but our TTC (trying to conceive) journey began before that – let’s face it, neither of us were getting any younger so we went ahead and got on with it. Clearly, we had no luck. After the required 6 months we went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who gave us THE DIAGNOSIS.
During this journey I was also a Ph.D student at a large university, which didn’t help my stress level. To be frank, people in my field aren’t usually women and the ones that are don’t go off having babies, especially not on purpose.
I had never really thought about starting a blog, but once we got THE DIAGNOSIS the internet was the only place I could go for support and information. I read everything. Medical journals, TTC boards, blogs. So many personal, painful, joyful, honest, funny, and heart breaking stories – it became my lifeline. I am so profoundly grateful to all the women (and men, infertility doesn’t just impact women) who shared their experiences. They made me feel connected, less alone – this process can be so terribly isolating. So here I am.
Why though? I have a loving husband, supportive friends and a wonderful family. Why am I telling my darkest fears and thoughts, sharing intimate and embarrassing details with strangers? Because it’s easier to throw these things out into the void of cyberspace then to keep them inside me. Because I need to give my long suffering husband and friends a break. Because this process has made me feel so overwhelmed and afraid and…broken…and I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do.
I promise to be as honest as possible. It’s not gonna be pretty, and I don’t know how it’s gonna end, but this is my journey.
**Update – After multiple medicated cycles and IUI’s, 3 failed IVF attempts and 1 miscarriage my husband and I decided to use donor eggs. We now have healthy, beautiful, fraternal twin boys as the result of gamete donation.
Hope is something you pee on 
I’m wanting to nominate your blog for an award, but I can’t figure out what user name you go by on this blog. Can you help me out by replying?
Thanks.
Hi! Thank you! That’s very nice of you. My username is “mybrokenoven”, I think. 🙂
I just googled 9dp2dt and found your blog. i’ve been having so many ‘me too’ moments that i feel compelled to respond.
Apart from also being 36, ttc for 3+ years, marrying in oct 2011 and also being in the throws of a doctoral research project…..we seem to have stumbled along a fairly similar barren path of failing to respond to the drugs. we too are on our third ivf cycle but our first 2ww. We too did the aggressive max dose stims creating 2 then spectacularly 1 follicle. We went through egg collection both times, but they were little sacks of emptiness with not even a glimmer of hope inside. We were told that we should consider donor eggs or as a last attempt, (to go down fighting), try a natural cycle at another clinic…and here we are. I want to stay here now in this ‘just maybe’ place. But the point of my responding was that this fertility path is pretty isolating and lonely, especially when you fall into that sub group of a sub group of being ‘difficult’ ‘non-responders’…. reading your story was like a little insight into my own but from a different angle. It’s given me just a little more perspective and a little more strength. Thank you! Wishing you lots of renewed energy at your new clinic.
Wow!! That’s amazing! Do you live down the street from me too, because we should DEFINITELY hang out. Thank you for your good wishes, and I’ll be thinking of you during your 2WW. Are you holding up ok? When is your beta?
Hi! This is the writer of the blog The Unexpected Trip you recently commented on. How do I follow your blog so that I get email alerts when you post something new? Take good care and thinking about you.
Hi! You hit the follow button up on the top left and I assume that means you get email updates from me when I post something. However, I didn’t get updated when you posted today, so I’m not sure how to change that setting. Hmmmm….. I’ll look into it. Let me know if you figure it out!
I got it:
—go to http://wordpress.com/#!/my-blogs/
—next to “Blogs I Follow” , click on “Edit List”
—type in the url of my blog : http://theunexpectedtrip.wordpress.com/
—click “follow” and check “get new post by email instantly”
there’s gotta be an easier way than this, but this is what i just did to be sure i got your updates.
You are a cyber goddess!
(oh i didn’t explain—because when I just clicked “follow” at the top of the page, you were for somer reason not added to the list of blogs i follow. must be some glitch going on with wordpress?)
This just exactly explains it: “Because it’s easier to throw these things out into the void of cyberspace then to keep them inside me. Because I need to give my long suffering husband and friends a break. Because this process has made me feel so overwhelmed and afraid and…broken…and I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do.” Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for sharing your journey ❤ I just wanted to let you know I have nominated you for a sunshine award: http://meandmissbee.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/got-my-spf-and-my-favourite-sunglasses-sunshine-award-nomination/
Wow! Thank you so much!!! ❤
Hi there! We are a bunch CCRM girls either waiting to cycle or already cycling, and we have private group on FB– Feel free to join us under alias as most of us are! Hope your retrieval goes well! 🙂 XOXOX Sarah
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ccrmopen/
First of all, congratulations! I have been reading your blog after my second failed IVF almost two weeks ago and I’m glad I found this blog. As someone who is also in academia (congrats on your PhD and welcome to the post-doc world ;), who is also a childless stepmother with DOR, and at the same age, I can’t help but to feel some connections to you and your blog. And now that we are in that phase when we have to decide what to do (DE? 3rd IVF? adoption?), your blog has become more than something I read so I feel that ‘I am not the only one’. Looking forward to hear more about your story!
Hi there,
I’ve really been enjoying your blog. Keep writing! I loved one of your more recent posts where you talk about having a hard time finding out how it turned out for people who went the donor egg route in terms of their personal experience. I am so curious about this too. It’s such a new thing medically and so I’m interested in how people experience it. I’ve found in talking that people try to make sense of it by comparing to something else that has existed for longer and they are more familiar with thinking about. Yet, it really is unique and there is nothing that compares! I saw a video and a brochure by a psychologist Georgia Witkin and I really liked how she talked about it and understands it.
I appreciate your honesty about some of the difficult parts and I’ll be interested to hear how the experience continues to unfold for you.
I’m a therapist and so I am very aware of attachment in terms of child development and parent bonding. My best friend who recently had a baby said that she watched a video in her prenatal class in which a baby turned towards the voice of the mother and the father (which they had heard while in utero) after they were born. Attachment in this case is dependent on being the biological mother but not on having a genetic contribution.
Anyways, just some neat thoughts I thought I’d share as I too reflect on gamete donation, in case it is something that I come to as well.
I am going through the same infertility craziness here. I am your age and also have DOR and my husband, MFI. We are about to embark upon our first DE cycle after failed IUIs and IVFs. This blog is the first one that I can relate to and it gives me hope. Keep it up and thanks :).
I just now came across your website in searching for those that would like egg donated from a natural red head. It looks like you are pregnant…and with twins….how wonderful!!!! Congratulations….I know this journey….I am familiar with all of its aspects. Love your website by the way….Best of luck!
Hi Misty, are you considering becoming an egg donor? (Or are you already an egg donor and looking to donate again?) I’m so interested in the perspective of the donors. Despite significant reservations we sadly had to go with an anonymous donor. 😦 I often wonder about her thoughts and feelings after donating. And yes – I have twin boys! They are 8 months old and huge and healthy and wonderful. They are the joy of my life and every bit of pain and suffering and doubt and fear were worth it. My very own not-so-tiny miracles!
just wanted to say thank you for sharing, currently in 2ww which is how I found you blog (good old google) YOUR boys are beautiful you truly are a very lucky lady to have them as they are to have you 🙂 x
I read some of your blog. You do know your twin boys have inherited some of your DNA from your Womb when they were growing inside – dont you?
I do. But it’s not the same as having a biological child.
Yes, and there’s epigenetics and all that too, but it isn’t the same as having a bio baby. The analogy that many use and that I also like is that it’s like buying a house that’s already been built – you can knock out a wall or two and change the paint and furniture and give it whole different “feel” and “personality”, but the house (in terms of its floor plan, construction and design) is fundamentally already decided by someone other than you. You picked that house because you liked it, but you didn’t design it yourself.
I love reading your blog. Do to circumstances, I too am looking for a red headed donor, tall, light eyes… doesn’t wear glasses, and having no luck. Everyone is short, high bmi… or in Ireland =) Besides World Egg Bank, where did you look and where was the place you got lucky? Thanks!!
Hi Beverly, I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in similar circumstances. No one gets to that place easily. We got lucky at my local fertility clinic. The DE nurse at my clinic had been saying for months that they had a potential donor that would be perfect for us but she hadn’t passed all the tests, there was a waiting list, yada yada. After my sister fell through as a donor (and the other donor I had chosen fell through) the doctors took pity on me and moved me to the front of the waiting list for this one person, basically because she was such a perfect match for what we were looking for. So, check around at some of the local or regional clinic that run a donor egg program. Also check with Shady Grove – I have a friend who found a great donor there and a friend who was a donor through them. Good luck and please keep me updated on your journey!