A tale of two sisters

02 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), fear, Pregnancy

Tags

dealing with infertility, donor eggs, I'm infertile my sister is pregnant, sister jealousy, sister pregnant, sister pregnant infertile

When I was diagnosed with Diminished Overian Reserve I was crushed but hopeful. After all, my whole life I’ve been told that I could do whatever I put my mind to and that had largely proved to be true. I followed the doctors orders, I exercised and ate right and took vitamins. I read success stories and thought positively and ate pineapple cores and meditated. I gave myself the shots exactly as described, on time and in the proper amounts. I was on time to every appointment and was an advocate for my own care. As the procedures failed to work I became more and more desperate. Finally, after 3 medicated cycles, 3 IUI’s, 3 rounds of IVF, 1 miscarriage and 2 clinics telling me I was no longer a viable candidate for IVF I turned to donor eggs.

My younger sister offered to donate her eggs but testing showed that she also had DOR. My RE advised that, based on her numbers (which were the same as mine when I started treatment) she and her soon to be husband should start trying right away but that they should be prepared that they may need medical intervention, and soon. The RE said it was unlikely that they would ever conceive naturally.

I moved on and eventually found a donor and we were blessed with twin boys from that donation cycle. My sister married soon after and they began trying right away. And they were successful almost right away. She told me she was pregnant the day before the gender reveal party for my twin boys. I felt nothing but relief that she was able to conceive at least one child naturally and would be able to avoid, for now, the long and painful path I had taken. She officially announced her pregnancy at my baby shower and I was happy to share the moment with her. My sons and her daughter were born 3 months apart. Just before her daughters first birthday she called me – she was pregnant again. I was shocked. Gone was the relief that she had naturally conceived and somehow managed to play the odds in her favor. In it’s place came darker, uglier feelings – envy, resentment and jealousy. I managed to squeak out the niceties and when I hung up the phone I cried long and hard. Her son was born just before her daughters 2nd birthday. I was at the park with my family yesterday when I got a text message from her. It was a sonogram with the message “Meet the tie breaker!”. I stopped, frozen. My husband took one look at my face and took the phone out of my hand. After a quick glance he rounded up the kids and dog and got everyone in to the car. I cried silently the whole way home. I’ve spent the last 12 hours grappling with complex feelings and inadequacies that I thought I had long ago put to rest.

I’m happy for my sister, kind of. I’m glad she doesn’t have to go through what I had to go through. I’m grateful that she can have the family she wants. But I’m sad for me and the process that I had to go through to conceive. I’m sad that my babies aren’t wholly mine. I’m jealous that she beat the odds not once but 3 times. (And I’m well aware that she’s exploiting the fertile window after weaning, and I’m aware that the testing may have not been right and I’m aware that, despite our identical hormone levels and ages at diagnosis that our bodies don’t work the same). But I’m envious that she’s been able to grow her family the way she wants, with ease. I’m afraid that my family views her children differently than mine – her husband is certainly unkind to my kids. When I saw that message I once again felt the weight and struggle of my infertility held up against her easy fecundity and I felt inadequate. In that moment my journey ceased to feel like an accomplishment and once again took on the hue of failure.

I love my sons, now 3, with all of my heart and I wouldn’t trade them for 10 bio babies and a million dollars. But it hurts when people tell me how much they look like me. It hurts to not be able to fully claim them. And although we already talk about the “nice lady who shared her eggs” I would be lying if I told you that I’m not afraid of them rejecting me somehow when they understand their genetic origins. Infertility and loss pushed me to my limit – emotionally, physically and monetarily. I lost part of myself in the process and I don’t think I’ll ever get that back.
I know I’ll come to terms with this. I know I’ll love this new child just as much as I love the other two. I know, eventually, I’ll move past the pain and hurt and anger and resentment be able to embrace the joy and excitement of this new pregnancy (yeah, ok, maybe not so much). But this definitely shows me that my infertility wounds are not healed. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I just feel like I’ve done so much already and I’m so tired of fighting this same battle.

Perspective from an egg donor

30 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Guest Post, IVF, Pregnancy

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

altruism, donor eggs, egg donor, egg donor experience, hero, IVF, pregnant egg donation

I’m sitting in a coffee shop across from a woman I haven’t seen in 25 years and I’m struggling to hold back tears. This woman was my best friend in 5th grade but we lost touch in high school as interests and friend groups changed and life moved on. We reconnected through Facebook several years back and one day while I was pregnant with my boys I was randomly scrolling and noticed a post where she mentioned her egg donation. My jaw hit the floor. I sat, stunned, for several minutes trying to manage my thoughts and feelings and I finally just wrote to her and laid it out. I told her I was pregnant through egg donation. I thanked her on behalf of the women she donated to. I told her she was a hero to me. And I had a million questions but I didn’t want to to pry. But here was a real live person who could give me some insight into the mystery woman who was always in my thoughts, the anonymous woman had donated the eggs that let me have my babies.

Last month I finally had the chance to sit down with my friend and hear her story. It moved me to tears. And this childhood friend, my hero, has agreed to share her story with us. So thank you B, for everything.

Why did you decide to donate?

I never wanted kids. And, spoiler alert, I still don’t.

But my friend E did. Desperately. And it wasn’t happening.

So that’s how my donor adventure started. Just kinda exploring the options, a little bit on behalf of my friend, but mostly because she made me aware of the need out there with the nights of heartbreak and tears and hugs and feeling utterly helpless to do anything for someone who meant the world to me. And when she got pregnant and clearly didn’t need me and my eggs, I thought, well, everyone has an E in their lives. So even though SHE didn’t need me anymore, someone’s E did. So I would do it for them.

And I won’t lie. The money was nice too. I’m no saint. I’m not sure I would have been altruistic enough to do six rounds of daily shots and blood draws and ultrasound wands up my junk and days off work on behalf of a multitude of strangers if I hadn’t been getting a nice wad of cash for it.

But it started off with wanting to help.

What was your donation experience like?

It’s been a while now. I’m 41 and the last time I donated was when I was 33. But I remember in the beginning, lots of tests. Family histories, and forms, and psych tests, and blood tests, and financial disclosures, and talking to my boyfriend (now husband) to see if he was cool with this, and then more forms, and more tests. They vet the crap out of donors, or at least the place where I donated did.

Beyond that I remember bruised thighs and tummy from all of the injections. I remember daily blood draws, to the point where I got track marks on my arms and I was afraid people would think I was an addict. I remember getting really intimate with the transvaginal ultrasound wand –was that daily too? I feel like near the end of each cycle it was–and how I stopped caring who got all up in my junk cause pretty much the entire world had seen it at that point. I remember the nurse drawing a target on my butt for the “trigger” shot, so my husband would know where to jab me—the one shot I didn’t do myself. I remember daily calls with the nurse coordinator, to let me know my hormone levels and how to adjust my shot doses the next day. I’m not sure if the recipients got calls too….I know everyone’s cycles had to be synced up to some degree, but I honestly don’t know much about the recipient side of that, whether they got the info on my progress or not and how that effected whatever process they had. I remember feeling “puffy” as I got close to the end of each cycle. My husband swears you couldn’t tell from looking at me, but I felt like I was wearing a weird heavy water balloon in my tummy. Like I ate too much, but it wasn’t my stomach.

I remember sitting in the waiting room of the clinic on retrieval days. I looked around at the other women there and I felt guilty. I assumed they were women who were trying so hard to get pregnant. I remember crying for them as I waited for my retrieval, and blaming it on the hormones.

The retrieval itself was under anesthesia, so all I remember about that is counting backwards. But every time, my husband said the first thing I asked when I woke up was how many eggs there were. And because I was coming out of anesthesia, I would immediately forget and ask again. And again. And asking if it was ok, if it was enough. Was that a good number? Is that enough? How many eggs? Is that good? How many?

Do you think about the families you donated to?

I do sometimes. Not as much now as when I was going through it, but they cross my mind. But honestly it was a bit like donating blood—once those eggs left my body, they weren’t mine anymore. They weren’t connected to me. Who they went to and what happened to them after that wasn’t part of my experience.

I did six cycles, and after my first round, they classified me as what they called a “high yield” donor, so each cycle after that was split among three women. So that’s sixteen possibilities. The clinic that I donated at won’t tell the donors anything about what happens with the eggs, not even if it was successful or not. And honestly, that isn’t a bad thing in my opinion. They said it was because when they did tell donors, they would get upset and depressed if it didn’t work out. So it is nice in a way to still be able to think of it as 16 possibilities, rather than knowing that for some of them it still didn’t happen. That would upset me.

There was one family that I still think of a bit more than the others. A little while after my last round of donation, I got a package from the coordinating nurse/clinic. I had no idea what it was. But when I opened it, it was from one of the women who received my eggs. Inside was a package with a little handmade neckwarmer filled with rice and some stationary and a card. Which I still have. And which still makes me tear up whenever I think about it, even as I type this. It said “Thank you for helping us make our family.”

That makes it more real for me. Before I got that package, it was just something I did and it wasn’t really connected to real people. But that card made it real for me. Made HER real for me. This woman whose cycle was once synced up with mine, and who received this donation from me, whose family I weirdly became a part of in a roundabout sort of way. Yeah, that got me. It still gets me. And holy shit (am I allowed to curse here?) do I hope it worked for her. I hope it worked for everyone, but damn me I really hope it worked for her.

Would you ever want to meet the donor families?

I wouldn’t object to meeting them if they wanted to meet me I suppose. But honestly I am mostly…unconnected to that.

I don’t have a burning desire to meet the children. Because they aren’t MY children. Not in any way that means anything to me. They have a bit of my biology, but so does that guy who was in a car accident and got some of the blood that I donated. I know it isn’t really the same, but it is to me a bit. I didn’t carry them. I didn’t get excited over seeing a heartbeat in their ultrasounds. I didn’t go through the pain of childbirth. I didn’t feed them or tuck them into bed or yell at them to do their damn homework. Their mom did. I am not their mom.

But I would understand if they were curious about me and wanted to meet me. And I would be ok with that I think. Although I would be afraid they would be disappointed. I am utterly ordinary.

Are you glad you did it?

Yes. Without hesitation, yes. There has never been a moment of regret, even in the cramping and not so pleasant aftermath of retrieval. And there never will be.

I gave 16 women a chance to have a family and I only wish it had been more, that I could have done more.

Should we try for another baby?

24 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in IVF, Pregnancy

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

embryos, frozen eggs, IVF, leftover embryos, should I have another baby, singleton after twins

We have 3 frozen embryos left. I don’t think of them much really but last week I got the bill for their “rent”, which is $400/yr. That’s not a huge expense considering how much it cost to make them but we have 3 children already and every little bit helps, especially when it comes to saving for braces and college and whatnot.

I brought the bill to my husband and asked him what we should do and he flippantly answered “Donate them to someone else. Or to medical research. I don’t know. What did we initially decide we wanted done with them?” Here’s the thing though – I’m not sure I want to let them go. I’m already pretty overwhelmed with 3 kids and a full time job and building a business on the side, but we worked so HARD for them. And I’m not sure I’m done. I love my twins to the moon and back again but I feel like because they were multiples I missed out on something (I feel stupid admitting that but there you go). I had very few quiet, snuggly moments. I never got to baby wear. I feel like I missed out on little things. When I was done with one baby it was always immediately on to the next baby and round and round and round. There was never really a chance to stop and enjoy the small moments. I don’t know why I seem to think that having a teenager and 2 toddlers would allow me the time or the latitude to stop and smell the roses if I had another one. It sounds ridiculous even to me.

And there are so many cons – the time, the money, the energy. And I’m almost 41 – what am I doing thinking about another baby? But then again no one ever looks at their watch and goes “Wow. I’ve got so much extra time and energy. I should have a kid.” or looks in their wallet and says “Too much money in here. Time for a baby!”.

I keep thinking “Maybe we should do the work up and just put one in and if it takes it takes and if it does’t then it doesn’t” and move on. But what if it works and then we have another baby?

Thoughts? Am I totally nuts? (Because I feel totally nuts).

28f6da7695add28c5282607a649d86c8_i-dont-know-how-to-feel-dont-know-how-to-meme-meme_452-359

A hierarchy to suffering?

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IUI, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

infertility guilt, IVF, pain of infertility, pregnancy loss, suffering, supporting women

My best friend got divorced this past Monday and I was her witness. I spent the night at her house so that I could distract and support her and so that we could arrive at court together. Another friend of hers joined us on Sunday night – a woman from her neighborhood who was set to undergo a double mastectomy on Tues. We were a jolly bunch!

During the course of the night this friend expressed something interesting. She told us that when she was with other woman who were breast cancer survivors or with women in the process of treating breast cancer she felt dismissed – her cancer wasn’t “bad” enough, she hasn’t had chemo or radiation, she hasn’t had a recurrence. She spoke of feeling terribly alone in her process because people without cancer didn’t understand, but people with cancer – presumably the folks who would know what she was feeling and experiencing and help her along the way – were not very supportive.

I can’t speak to the experience of having breast cancer or being a cancer survivor, but the description resonated with me because of its similarity to the infertility “hierarchy of suffering”. Here is a breakdown of many of the possible iterations of fertility issues –

You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant eventually.
You had a child (or children) but then experienced secondary infertility.
You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant with limited medical intervention (IUI, Clomid, etc.).
You got pregnant using IVF and it worked the first time.
You got pregnant using IVF after 2-3 tries.
You got pregnant and lost the baby but got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy.
You got pregnant using IVF but it required many rounds of treatment.
You experienced recurrent pregnancy loss followed by a successful pregnancy.
You got pregnant using donor eggs.
You have never successfully gotten or stayed pregnant.

If you’ve been around the infertility world for any length of time you could put these into an order, a hierarchy of suffering. And that order would be based on many things, including your own experience. I can shamefacedly admit that I’m guilty of being (inwardly) dismissive of some of these experiences, as if they have less importance or value than my personal experience. I think it’s natural to feel that people who have endured “less” than you can’t possibly understand the pain and anguish you’ve felt. How can a women who has never experienced the loss of pregnancy understand recurrent pregnancy loss? If IVF worked for you the first time how can you possibly understand what it’s like to endure round after round of unsuccessful treatment? While I think that these are natural reactions I also believe that we need to fight against this instinct. All of these scenarios are difficult. Women in all of these situations need and deserve our support. There should be no hierarchy to suffering – everyone has their own process, and everyone handles these challenges differently. My friend with DOR did 3 rounds of IVF without a successful pregnancy and happily moved on to adoption without regret and without giving it another thought. I did 3 rounds of IVF with 1 loss, successfully got pregnant using donor eggs and I am still suffering from grief, loss and shame.

As someone who has run the gamut of infertility and had to resort to something outside of the common experience even in this community (donor eggs) I fall high on the “suffering scale”. I am guilty of feeling that people who have had early success can’t possibly understand my process. I want to change that. I don’t want anyone facing infertility (or pregnancy loss) to feel like they don’t have allies in the community or to feel like they’re outsiders simply because they haven’t suffered enough. That’s ridiculous. So please, if you’re feeling isolated, if you’re feeling alone, if you’re scared and uncertain – get in touch with me. Leave a comment. I will stand by you and hold your hand. We should all be in this together.

I’ve got your back.

images

It never gets easier

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, IVF, Pregnancy

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

DOR, IVF, PCOS, pregnancy jealousy

So, in case you were wondering, it never gets easier. Or at least it hasn’t for me yet.

My sister (who also has DOR) is scheduled to have her second, naturally conceived baby next month. And I couldn’t be more thrilled for her, and I couldn’t be more jealous.

And just now (literally 12 minutes ago) I just got a text from my BFF. She’s pregnant. Unexpectedly.

And I am ECSTATIC for her. She has PCOS and went through fertility treatment to conceive her son, and we had recently been talking about when they were going to try for another one – we had a long laugh about how “trying” meant something very different to us now then it used to. Trying means doctors, and needles and suppositories and dates with the dildo cam instead of wine and movies and sex and dates with our SO . And now she’s pregnant, which is a miracle and I am totally legitimately thrilled. But I’m also bummed. She was the one other person who sorta kinda got it. Of course, her babies are bio babies and so I have an entirely different level of emotional infertility shit to deal with, but still. I just can’t shake that sense of playground injustice that makes me want to stomp my feet and yell “It’s not fair!!!!”

Do I want another baby? Maybe? Probably not? But do I want to have that weird feeling in my stomach and pee on a test and be shocked to see two lines? YES. Do I want to plan a special surprise for my husband to tell him that we’re pregnant? YES. Do I still want a bio baby? YES. Do I love my boys any less because they’re not bio babies? NO.

At least now I’ve come to realize and embrace that I am big enough and complex enough and mature enough to have contradictory feelings at the same time. I can feel thrilled and bummed at the same time, and both of the feelings are real and legitimate. I can desperately want a bio baby and still know that I would never trade my babies for anything, even bio babies. I can be glad that my sister and my friend don’t have to go through IVF to conceive and still be pissed that I had to and they didn’t. Those feelings are ok. Now I just have accept that it’s going take more time, maybe a lot more time, for the infertility wound, in all of its many facets and manifestations, to fully heal. And as you know, I really really hate waiting.

A blog of a different name…

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ Leave a comment

Hi friends!

This blog, my infertility blog (Hope) is like my personal online diary that you guys all happen to read. I think of it kind of like when Harry Potter finds Tom Riddle’s journal and they talk and give each other advice and whatnot, except you guys are awesome and not at all evil! I never would have made it through this process without you. Truly.

VIyOYAzznHgYCH_1_hd

But I just can’t let people I know in real life read this blog. For lots of reasons. It’s too raw. Too close. Maybe one day, but that day isn’t today. Do you know what I mean?

So, in order to have a blog that I feel more comfortable sharing “publicly” (yes I’m aware that the internet is public, but you know what I mean) I’ve started a new blog. This one is documenting the joys and trials of having twins. If you want the link send me a message and I’ll send it to you.

When I was debating using donor eggs I went out looking for the “after” blogs. Were people successful? What was it like to have donor egg babies 2, 3, 7 years after the donation? Did it feel weird? Did they love the children the same? (I ask a lot of these questions in posts of years past). So I hope that this new blog can serve that function as well. I know how hard it is to read posts from the people who have been successful when you’re still struggling. You can be ecstatic for them and still not want to hear about it. I know. Trust me.

So, I’m still going to be posting here, and hopefully with more regularity now that things have settled down some. But I’ll also be over there, so please come and visit!

35 weeks tomorrow

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ 7 Comments

Things have been moving right along, and by moving right along I mean time is dragging so slowly I can’t even believe it. After so many years of trying and dreaming and wishing and hoping to be pregnant I swore I would never complain. I would enjoy every moment and revel in every change. Well….I’m trying. I’m trying really hard. But holy shit, this is the most physically demanding thing I’ve ever done. I hurt. All over. The only part of me that doesn’t hurt are my upper arms and my ears. Seriously. My abdominal muscles have torn in 2 places, and that’s where the babies love to rest their little heads. The heartburn is so bad that I vomit every few hours, even when sitting straight up (I am maxed out on Zantac, Tums, Papaya Extract and milk) and I refuse to eat anything that has even the slightest acid content. Both babies are breech now (more on that in a minute) which means I have 2 heads pushing on my diaphragm and ribs (so I can neither breath nor bend) and 4 little feet pummeling my plumbing. I can’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time (vomiting or peeing, take your pick) and I’m having painful contractions 3-4 times an hour for the last 2 weeks. I know, I know, it’s worth it. It’s what I wanted. There are thousands of women who would do anything to be in my place. Trust me – I KNOW. But damn.

In other news, we were in a car accident last week. It was minor (for us) – 5 car pile up on the freeway where some lady was texting and didn’t see that traffic had stopped and never touched her breaks. She slammed into the guy in front of her who hit the guy in front of him yada yada. We were the last car hit, first in line if you know what I mean. 3 of the 5 cars were totaled. We had almost no damage. My husband saw it coming, told us to brace, honked at the guy in front of him (who moved up about 10 ft) and then he released the brake at the moment of impact, thus helping to dissipate the energy of collision. We were all fine – the airbags didn’t even deploy. BUT, the guy behind us was hooked on our trailer hitch, and we were in the middle of the freeway where traffic was zooming by at 75 mph on both sides of us. S called 911, reported the accident, told him “We can’t move because the guy behind us is stuck, traffic is zooming by and my wife is 8 1/2 months pregnant. I’m afraid we’re going to get hit again. Can you send someone quick?” Well, within 4 minutes there were firetrucks and ambulances and police cars and the whole 3 ring circus. The paramedics come running to our truck at a full sprint to take my vitals and try and put me in the ambulance to go to the hospital. I’m insisting I’m fine and don’t want to go. I made the mistake of telling them “I feel fine and I can feel both babies moving.” BOTH BABIES!???? I thought their heads would pop off. When I still refused to go to the hospital they insisted I call my OB, who also insisted I go to the hospital. *sigh* I still refused to go in the ambulance so my husband and a bunch of police officers and firemen and paramedics lifted the other guys car off of our hitch so we could go. They were very accommodating about paperwork and whatnot and told us they would come to the house the next day.

So, off we go to the hospital where I’m admitted and monitored for 5 hours. Blood work, ultrasound, monitors for me and for both babies. As it turns out both babies are breech and I’m having a crapload of contractions. My blood pressure and blood work are great and both babies are breathing beautifully. The accident occurred at 4:35 PM and we didn’t get home until after 11. Want to talk about a tired, hungry, cranky pregnant lady!!! Anyway, all’s well the ends well, I guess.

Update on all the things

07 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

carpal tunnel, pregnancy

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate your kind words. It’s very heartening to know that there are people out there going through the same (or similar) issues – even though I wish none of us had to deal with this stuff. Anyway, thanks!

Now for an update on the babies! We had a growth scan on Tues which was right at 30 weeks. Baby A is measuring 31 weeks 5 days and is 3 lbs 9 oz. Baby B is measuring 30 weeks 6 days and is 3 lbs. 4 oz. They have always been within an oz of each other so I was concerned about the difference but the midwife said it was great for them to be measuring this close at this stage. Heart rates look good. Both are still transverse but I’m hoping hard for Baby A to turn so I can try to give birth “pioneer style” as my husband would say. The midwife thinks I’ll make it to 36 weeks if I’m careful.

I am measuring 49 weeks *gulp* and it’s starting to get really hard. I have severe carpal tunnel in both hands from the swelling, I’ve gained 43 lbs (which is more than 1/3 of my previous body weight) and I have an “irritable uterus”. Apparently, when you shove a bunch of big babies into your uterus it gets kinda pissed off, which seems totally reasonable to me. But, the result is that I have a combination of almost constant Braxton-Hicks (which started at 5.5 months), “rock hard uterine contractions” (not the clinic term – it’s when the contraction kind of freezes and the uterus stays hard and tight for several hours), and “real” but disorganized contractions. The kind that wrap around and hurt, a lot. The doctor is monitoring me closely and I’m trying hard to take it easy but the things that make the contractions worse are completely ridiculous. For instance, dehydration – even slight dehydration – really gets them going. As does a full bladder. As does the act of urinating. Someone please tell me how I’m supposed to manage those 3 things? In Phoenix? In the summer? Gah!

But, the crazy thing is that I can now (mostly) identify the baby parts that I see poking out of my belly. Tiny fists, feet, forearms, heads….it’s a total trip. Space is getting pretty limited so the hard kicks are slowing down and the boys are mostly just wiggling and poking now.

And…..a quick update on the home front situation. My husbands ex-wife is finally in jail. For those of you just tuning in – my husbands ex is crazy nuts. I know, I know, that makes me sound like a shallow, jealous new wife, but I am oh-so-serious. She is in jail for trying to burn her father’s house down WITH HIM INSIDE. At 9:30 AM on a Tues, like you do. She was drunk, on cocaine and Xanax and 11 weeks pregnant (and knew she was pregnant). Also, she’s 41. So, felony malicious arson of an inhabited structure, arson of property (for his truck), conspiracy to commit arson (she was with some guy she met at Joe’s Crab Shack the night before), use of an accelerant, and there may be an attempted murder charge thrown in for shits and giggles. And now is NOT the time to be on trial for arson in San Diego County! And only she could manage to get arrested in front of her kid from 500 miles away. They were Facetiming when the police arrested her. The US Marshal called my husband and said “You might want to talk to your kid. She was on the screen when we arrested her mom.” Of course, he was out-of-town so the “your mom got arrested and is in jail” conversation fell to me.

Anyway, H-bomb (my pet name for crazy lady) had not exercised her visitation rights, well, ever, so A hadn’t seen her since Thanksgiving (court ordered supervised visitation for 4 hours every other weekend). However, we still had to pay child support to facilitate her travel to see her daughter for visitation. ??? But, FINALLY upon her arrest the judge cancelled child support and H-bomb will have to pay back the support for the previous 6 months (which was part of the original order).

Strangely, A seems fine with it all. I explained (in very general terms) what her mother had done (Mommy broke the grown up rules, which are called laws, and now she has to face the consequences, which means she has to live in jail now. We don’t know for how long yet, etc). She asked a few questions, thought about it a bit, asked a few more questions and then she was good. I explained that she probably wouldn’t ever live with her mom again, to which she replied “That’s ok, I don’t want to live with her. It’s safer here. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes”. I asked her how she felt and she said “Disappointed. Why can’t she get it together? Why does she always have to do bad things?”. We took her to the child psychologist who said she seems fine and happy and well-adjusted, and she won the “Happiest” award for 3rd grade at her school. So, we’re doing what we can. If anyone has any experience with kind of thing let me know, because we’re just muddling through as best we can!

30 weeks, choices

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, fear, IVF, Pregnancy

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, pregnant, twin boys

Ever since I got pregnant (4th IVF, using donor eggs for those of you just joining the convo) I’ve been struggling with what to do with this blog. Do I keep it? Start a different blog? Abandon it altogether?

Because I know how hard it is to see someone be successful in this process – even though you’re completely happy for them it’s terribly difficult. I know how awful it is to keep failing and watch everyone else succeed. It is really, really hard – demoralizing even. You go from being comrades, survivors, confidants to feeling (for me at least) on the outside, once again. Sonograms, doctor visits, bump pictures – they hurt. Believe me, I know. So if you have to unfollow me at this point I absolutely understand, and I don’t take it personally.

It’s just that the more I think about why I started this blog in the first place the more I feel that I need to continue my story here, because my story isn’t over, not by a long shot! The reality is that I am pregnant with 2 little boys as the result of egg donation. I’m ok with that. My husband is ok with that. My family, his family, our close friends – all “A-OK”. It’s the rest of the world I’m worried about. And some days it’s still hard. As I get bigger I get more and more questions about what we think they’ll look like, who we think they’ll take after, etc. And that’s only going to get worse after they’re born. I’m getting better at fielding the questions, but every so often I get really, really sad that I don’t have a genetic link with these babies (I know about epigenetics – I’m talking about a classic genetic link). I’m learning that, as happy as I am to have these little guys and as much as I already love them, there will always be an ache, a sore spot. And that’s ok. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or a bad mother. It makes me human. I didn’t get my fairy tale. What I did get was life – real, visceral, in-your-face reality. And I earned these babies with blood, sweat and tears – literally. And I think that’s an important story to tell. And I know that I, my sons, my whole family, will struggle with this for years to come. We will be honest with the boys about their conception, but that’s a story that has to be told and retold, made and remade for years and years. And it’s a complicated, emotional and difficult story for everyone involved. It’s going to be hard.

Certainly, folks have navigated these waters before and there are far more resources than there used to be, but it’s hardly commonplace. When I was researching donor eggs I had a hard time finding anything personal, most information was from clinics. And I didn’t just want to know the logistics – how to choose a donor, what meds to take, cost – I wanted to know how it all turned out. Did the donor conceived kids turn out ok? Did they feel like a family? Did the parents love them like their own? Did the parents dwell all the time on the differences between them and their children? Did they spend time looking for the donor in each mannerism? Or were these kids just kids like any other kids? And on and on and on…. So, I’m going to keep this blog so that anyone who is considering the same path I have taken can know how it all turned out – start to finish.

And with that, here is the obligatory bump picture – 2 days shy of 30 weeks pregnant with fraternal twin boys.

I’m back!!

28 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

twin boys from donor egg

Sorry for the lengthy absence – I’ve been busy! But, I have lots of news.

1) I finished my Ph.D!! It has been a race to the finish and some of the worst weeks of my life but it’s done! Hurray!!

2) And now for the news you’ve all been waiting for…..we did a gender reveal party at the end of March. No one knew the genders except my friend D. She baked 100 cupcakes (half chocolate with white icing for Baby B and half white with chocolate icing for Baby A) and then she filled each one with frosting in either pink or blue. We had a big party with all of our friends (my whole family Facetimed in) and then we all bit into A and then into B. Drum roll please…….

2 BABY BOYS!!!!!!

Gender reveal cupcakes – 2 boys!!

And they are growing like crazy! They are both measuring 2 weeks ahead and are only ounces apart. I’m 25 weeks tomorrow and I’m measuring at almost 38 weeks. I’ve gained 40 lbs and it’s almost all in my belly. I’m huge! It’s nuts!! I still have moments when I can’t believe I’m pregnant. The midwife says I’m carrying “high and tight”. The boys are kicking hard enough now that you can see it from the outside, and my step-daughter walks around with her hands always on my stomach, squealing when she feels her brothers. It’s so joyful, and exhausting. After all this time waiting for babies and wishing for babies I am overcome. Here’s some baby faces for you.

22 weeks

I think about the donor a few times a week, mostly when people ask me if I think they’ll have red hair. I still have some disappointment that these boys aren’t genetically related to me – I think that will always be there – but they are my babies through and through.

In somewhat unrelated news my husband (who has barely even heard of Harry Potter) has decided he wants to name them Fred and George. Really? Potentially red-haired boy twins named Fred and George? I keep trying to explain why this is unacceptable but he is unfazed. For my part, I want to name them Ezra and Micah, but S says they’d turn out to be dirty hippies! Jokes on you big guy-you married a dirty hippie! So,no name resolution yet.

AND IN OTHER NEWS….MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!! You know, the sister who offered to donate her eggs and was told (5 months before her wedding no less) that she also had DOR and was unlikely to ever conceive. Yeah, her. NATURALLY. They started trying and 8 months later – 2 pink lines. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Truly. Not one bit of jealousy or animosity. I wouldn’t wish this process on anyone, especially not my baby sister. And my mother – I think her head is going to explode. She went from being told she was unlikely to ever have any grandchildren to expecting 3 grandbabies within 4 months of each other. My dad is planning to retire since, he says, mom isn’t ever going to be at home again.

Anyway, just wanted to give a brief update. Now that I’m not writing/revising 18 hours a day I’ll have more time for updates – baby showers and nursery things are coming soon. In the meantime I’ll leave you with some bump pictures…

17 weeks

20 weeks

21 weeks

22 weeks

23.5 weeks

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

12 weeks 1 day, baby bunp, bump photos, donor egg twins, twin bump picture, twins

I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.