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Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Hope is something you pee on

Category Archives: Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)

A tale of two sisters

02 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), fear, Pregnancy

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

dealing with infertility, donor eggs, I'm infertile my sister is pregnant, sister jealousy, sister pregnant, sister pregnant infertile

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When I was diagnosed with Diminished Overian Reserve I was crushed but hopeful. After all, my whole life I’ve been told that I could do whatever I put my mind to and that had largely proved to be true. I followed the doctors orders, I exercised and ate right and took vitamins. I read success stories and thought positively and ate pineapple cores and meditated. I gave myself the shots exactly as described, on time and in the proper amounts. I was on time to every appointment and was an advocate for my own care. As the procedures failed to work I became more and more desperate. Finally, after 3 medicated cycles, 3 IUI’s, 3 rounds of IVF, 1 miscarriage and 2 clinics telling me I was no longer a viable candidate for IVF I turned to donor eggs.

My younger sister offered to donate her eggs but testing showed that she also had DOR. My RE advised that, based on her numbers (which were the same as mine when I started treatment) she and her soon to be husband should start trying right away but that they should be prepared that they may need medical intervention, and soon. The RE said it was unlikely that they would ever conceive naturally.

I moved on and eventually found a donor and we were blessed with twin boys from that donation cycle. My sister married soon after and they began trying right away. And they were successful almost right away. She told me she was pregnant the day before the gender reveal party for my twin boys. I felt nothing but relief that she was able to conceive at least one child naturally and would be able to avoid, for now, the long and painful path I had taken. She officially announced her pregnancy at my baby shower and I was happy to share the moment with her. My sons and her daughter were born 3 months apart. Just before her daughters first birthday she called me – she was pregnant again. I was shocked. Gone was the relief that she had naturally conceived and somehow managed to play the odds in her favor. In it’s place came darker, uglier feelings – envy, resentment and jealousy. I managed to squeak out the niceties and when I hung up the phone I cried long and hard. Her son was born just before her daughters 2nd birthday. I was at the park with my family yesterday when I got a text message from her. It was a sonogram with the message “Meet the tie breaker!”. I stopped, frozen. My husband took one look at my face and took the phone out of my hand. After a quick glance he rounded up the kids and dog and got everyone in to the car. I cried silently the whole way home. I’ve spent the last 12 hours grappling with complex feelings and inadequacies that I thought I had long ago put to rest.

2605cb58ee4c3c211d3f33d31ece3f8dI’m happy for my sister, kind of. I’m glad she doesn’t have to go through what I had to go through. I’m grateful that she can have the family she wants. But I’m sad for me and the process that I had to go through to conceive. I’m sad that my babies aren’t wholly mine. I’m jealous that she beat the odds not once but 3 times. (And I’m well aware that she’s exploiting the fertile window after weaning, and I’m aware that the testing may have not been right and I’m aware that, despite our identical hormone levels and ages at diagnosis that our bodies don’t work the same). But I’m envious that she’s been able to grow her family the way she wants, with ease. I’m afraid that my family views her children differently than mine – her husband is certainly unkind to my kids. When I saw that message I once again felt the weight and struggle of my infertility held up against her easy fecundity and I felt inadequate. In that moment my journey ceased to feel like an accomplishment and once again took on the hue of failure.

I love my sons, now 3, with all of my heart and I wouldn’t trade them for 10 bio babies and a million dollars. But it hurts when people tell me how much they look like me. It hurts to not be able to fully claim them. And although we already talk about the “nice lady who shared her eggs” I would be lying if I told you that I’m not afraid of them rejecting me somehow when they understand their genetic origins. Infertility and loss pushed me to my limit – emotionally, physically and monetarily. I lost part of myself in the process and I don’t think I’ll ever get that back.
I know I’ll come to terms with this. I know I’ll love this new child just as much as I love the other two. I know, eventually, I’ll move past the pain and hurt and anger and resentment be able to embrace the joy and excitement of this new pregnancy (yeah, ok, maybe not so much). But this definitely shows me that my infertility wounds are not healed. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I just feel like I’ve done so much already and I’m so tired of fighting this same battle.

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Your feelings are valid

16 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, infertility crisis, infertility success, IVF, IVF success, PCOS, PCOS success

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the different reactions people have to infertility.

1888677_915522608471510_4245447630407780023_n (1) (1)For me, I had a total existential crisis. It shook the foundation of my world. I had absolutely bought into the idea that if I tried hard enough I could accomplish anything, and for the most part that had been true for me. So the idea that I couldn’t have a baby, a thing that most people did with ease, shook me to the core. And then couple that with the want and the need and the desire to have a family… I was devastated.

Contrast that with my friend K. She was diagnosed with DOR and did IVF 3 times. She was disappointed each time that the cycle failed but she certainly wasn’t devastated. And after the 3rd failure she quickly and cheerfully moved on and she and her husband now have 2 beautiful daughters through adoption.

And then there’s G. She was diagnosed with PCOS and started the injections and the monitoring but firmly insisted throughout the process that what she was doing was not ANYTHING like what I had to do during my IVF cycles. This despite the fact that she was doing EXACTLY what I had to do, only without the retrieval and fertilization part. (Granted, that’s a big difference but still). She got pregnant and now has a lovely little girl. In retrospect, she admits that she didn’t want to admit that what we had to do was the same because IVF sounded so sad and broken and scary that she wanted to distance herself from the very idea of it, the very idea that she might need it.

And then there’s P. She and her husband tried to get pregnant for about 2 years. Then they sat down, had a heart to heart, and decided that if it happened that was ok and that if it didn’t that was ok too. She’s 43 and unlikely to get pregnant now and she’s totally ok with that. No crisis, no medical intervention, just acceptance.

Of course it’s totally natural and expected that everyone will have a different reaction and choose a different path. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around because it was so difficult for me personally. I’m not really sure what my point is with this musing, except to highlight the fact that if you’re dealing with infertility whatever reaction you’re having is ok. It may feel like the world is ending but it may also not feel like a big deal. And that’s alright. What you’re feeling is valid and don’t you ever let anyone tell you it’s not.

Is it me?

17 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IVF, Miscarriage, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Infertility, stigma of infertility, talking about infertility, unexplained infertility

I have a question for you, dear friends. Is infertility more common than it used to be, are we more open to discussing it, am I just at the age where this is something many of my “tribe” are dealing with, or all of the above?

When I had problems getting pregnant I was the first person I had ever met who had been to a reproductive endocrinologist. A friend put me in touch with someone she knew who had recently done IVF and so I used her doctor. And when I was going through procedure after procedure and failure after failure I was the only one. I was alone. (Except for the vast internet – thank you again, internet). I was scared and ashamed. I felt isolated and alone.

Now every time I turn around I find someone who is struggling to get pregnant. And they’re not always just talking to me about it because they know of my situation. And especially now that I have the twins, no one outside of my circle has reason to suspect I had issues with fertility. Seriously, I’m going to list out some of the people in my life that are dealing with infertility, because the number of people I know IRL that are dealing with these issues is shocking to me. And this isn’t an exhaustive list!

  • My best friend from grad school was diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago. Successfully got pregnant after a regulated medicated cycle. (Age 33)
  • My sister was diagnosed with DOR but just had her second “miracle” baby. (Age 34)
  • My office mate from grad school’s wife had a recurrent hormone producing cyst on her ovary. Did 2 rounds of IVF and is currently pregnant with twins. (Age 36)
  • Another friend from grad school was diagnosed with PCOS. Had 2 losses, and now has a 1 year old son as the result of Clomid. (Age 38)
  • Found out yesterday that my college roommate has unexplained infertility. She successfully got pregnant after 2 rounds of Clomid. She wants another but her husband doesn’t want to go through the process again. (Age 39)
  • My cross fit trainers wife has DOR. They did 3 rounds of IVF and were unsuccessful. They are now the parents of 2 little girls that they adopted. (Age 26)
  • The lady that sat next to me on the plane last week had 5 rounds of IVF, 3 miscarriages,  1 living child.
  • My boss and his wife were never able to conceive despite fertility treatments (see my post about that)
  • Coworkers sister has been through multiple unspecified unsuccessful infertility treatments (more here)
  • Two different acquaintances are currently undergoing infertility screening as they have each been trying for more than a year to get pregnant without success. (Age 32 and 33)
  • My mom’s best friends middle daughter called me a few weeks ago because she’s starting her 3rd round of IVF and is (of course) terrified that it won’t work and they are considering donor eggs as a possible next step. (Age 28)
  • A friend from high school has 2 kids, both conceived using IVF. She has unexplained infertility. (Age 34 at time of first IVF treatment)

It seems like every time I turn around there is someone else who is dealing with infertility. Is it just me? Am I more in tuned with it now? Or is it my age? We all know fertility decreases when you get older but age 35 isn’t a cliff you fall off of into infertility. Or maybe, just maybe, is the stigma associated with infertility lifting a little?

What do you think?

A hierarchy to suffering?

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IUI, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Uncategorized

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

infertility guilt, IVF, pain of infertility, pregnancy loss, suffering, supporting women

My best friend got divorced this past Monday and I was her witness. I spent the night at her house so that I could distract and support her and so that we could arrive at court together. Another friend of hers joined us on Sunday night – a woman from her neighborhood who was set to undergo a double mastectomy on Tues. We were a jolly bunch!

During the course of the night this friend expressed something interesting. She told us that when she was with other woman who were breast cancer survivors or with women in the process of treating breast cancer she felt dismissed – her cancer wasn’t “bad” enough, she hasn’t had chemo or radiation, she hasn’t had a recurrence. She spoke of feeling terribly alone in her process because people without cancer didn’t understand, but people with cancer – presumably the folks who would know what she was feeling and experiencing and help her along the way – were not very supportive.

I can’t speak to the experience of having breast cancer or being a cancer survivor, but the description resonated with me because of its similarity to the infertility “hierarchy of suffering”. Here is a breakdown of many of the possible iterations of fertility issues –

  • You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant eventually.
  • You had a child (or children) but then experienced secondary infertility.
  • You had trouble getting pregnant but got pregnant with limited medical intervention (IUI, Clomid, etc.).
  • You got pregnant using IVF and it worked the first time.
  • You got pregnant using IVF after 2-3 tries.
  • You got pregnant and lost the baby but got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy.
  • You got pregnant using IVF but it required many rounds of treatment.
  • You experienced recurrent pregnancy loss followed by a successful pregnancy.
  • You got pregnant using donor eggs.
  • You have never successfully gotten or stayed pregnant.

If you’ve been around the infertility world for any length of time you could put these into an order, a hierarchy of suffering. And that order would be based on many things, including your own experience. I can shamefacedly admit that I’m guilty of being (inwardly) dismissive of some of these experiences, as if they have less importance or value than my personal experience. I think it’s natural to feel that people who have endured “less” than you can’t possibly understand the pain and anguish you’ve felt. How can a women who has never experienced the loss of pregnancy understand recurrent pregnancy loss? If IVF worked for you the first time how can you possibly understand what it’s like to endure round after round of unsuccessful treatment? While I think that these are natural reactions I also believe that we need to fight against this instinct. All of these scenarios are difficult. Women in all of these situations need and deserve our support. There should be no hierarchy to suffering – everyone has their own process, and everyone handles these challenges differently. My friend with DOR did 3 rounds of  IVF without a successful pregnancy and happily moved on to adoption without regret and without giving it another thought. I did 3 rounds of IVF with 1 loss, successfully got pregnant using donor eggs and I am still suffering from grief, loss and shame.

As someone who has run the gamut of infertility and had to resort to something outside of the common experience even in this community (donor eggs) I fall high on the “suffering scale”. I am guilty of feeling that people who have had early success can’t possibly understand my process. I want to change that. I don’t want anyone facing infertility (or pregnancy loss) to feel like they don’t have allies in the community or to feel like they’re outsiders simply because they haven’t suffered enough. That’s ridiculous. So please, if you’re feeling isolated, if you’re feeling alone, if you’re scared and uncertain – get in touch with me. Leave a comment. I will stand by you and hold your hand. We should all be in this together.

I’ve got your back.

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The 13th worst day of the year

08 Sunday May 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), fear, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Miscarriage, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Infertility, miscarriage, Mother's Day, sadness

Mother’s Day. Gah.

The 13th worst day of the year. The other 12 days that were worse? The day my period started each month. The day that marked another failure. Another cycle gone. Another month of trying and wishing and hoping. In vain. Every single month.

Now that I have my boys Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My heart aches with joy at my blessings. My heart aches with pain at the knowledge that there are so many others out there that are still trying and wishing and hoping. So many others dreading this day. Dreading the 12 other worst days.

So for all of you out there still trying – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your babies – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your mamas – I’m thinking of you too. This can be a trying and painful day for so many reasons. Be strong. Be good to each other. I’m thinking of you.

I am legion

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, fear, pregnant after infertility

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor egg, donor egg pregnancy, infertility struggle, pregnant with twins

No offense intended to anyone with religious leanings, but now that my body very clearly contains 3 separate people with their own personalities, thoughts (and especially) sleep schedules the title just seems to fit.

I’ve been strangely “unbusy”. I find that I can lay for hours on the couch in a semi-awake daze – something my overactive brain has never once in my entire life allowed me to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things that need doing, I just have ZERO drive or motivation to do any of them. My baby brain is bad. I didn’t do anything – work, manuscript writing, housework – last week. I just….couldn’t. I would open a document to start working, have a contraction, lay down and then go to sleep. Wake up, eat, watch soccer, remember I was supposed to be working and lay down again. This is totally unlike me.

I’ve physically gotten to the point where I make other people visibly uncomfortable. Even the saleslady at Motherhood told me to go home and stay home when I went in to get measured for nursing bras. So, the only time I’ve really been out the house for the last week or two has been to go to child birthing classes. I went to a breastfeeding class and a birthing center tour at the hospital where I’ll deliver, and the last 2 Sat.’s we went to birthing classes – one at the hospital and one at a local birthing center. BTW, I highly recommend taking those kinds of classes. Even my husband agreed that they were useful and says he feels much more confident now. At the “hippie-dippie” natural birthing class (as my husband called it) I just jumped right in during introductions and told them that I was pregnant with fraternal twins as a result of egg donation. The teacher and one of the other ladies then both said they had (or were having) children as a result of IVF. During the break several couples came up to us and asked very good and thoughtful questions about how we arrived at that decision and what the process was like. And, of course, everyone had a story about a sister/friend/aunt/cousin who was infertile and how hard their struggle was. Granted, this was by its very nature a supportive environment, but I was quite pleased that my first foray into “telling strangers” went so well.

Anyway, the babies are really big and I am super uncomfortable. They’re also very active which is great, but they’ve actually split my abdominal muscles in 3 places from all of their squirming, which isn’t so great. The nursery is finished (I think) and we have just about everything ready to go. My bags are packed for the hospital. My birth plan is ready. Now all we have to do it hope and pray that Baby A will turn head down so that I can at least TRY to implement my birth plan. I really want to try and do this “pioneer style” – no meds at all, completely naturally if possible. I know people think I’m crazy, and it may end up (for any number of reasons) that this won’t happen, but I feel like the whole conception process, as grateful as I am for it, was so medically orchestrated and outside of me that I want this to be just me. Me and my husband and our babies. I want to feel it all. Maybe I’m looking for some extra legitimacy – some additional “I carried you and birthed you and I am your mother” fodder for down the road, I don’t know. I just feel strongly that I at least want to try. I want to prove to myself that my body isn’t broken. I felt for so long like I was defective, like less of a woman, because I couldn’t get pregnant. Now that I’ve watched my body grow these babies I want to, once and for all, wipe away those feelings of defectiveness and feel powerful. I want to prove to myself (and to my boys and my husband) that just because I couldn’t do one little thing (like produce a viable egg) doesn’t mean I am any less of a mother or a woman. Wow. Writing that down it becomes clear to me that the only person I need to prove that to is myself. Huh.

Here’s the latest bump picture – my mom says I look like a mongrel dog with the big belly and the protruding ribs (not as visible in this picture as in real life). hahaha! I swear, I’m eating constantly, but these little fellas are just sucking it out of me. I’ve currently gained just shy of 50 lbs, so I’m on track for weight gain, I’m just ALL BABIES.

 

Drum roll please…

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins, early heartbeat, fetal heartbeat, twins, ultrasound 5 weeks 6 days

2 babies with 2 heart beats!!! I am over the moon!!

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality - I'll post better later)

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality – I’ll post better later)

We went in for the ultrasound and DH was so nervous he was on the verge of tears. I thought he was going to punch the doctor as he was making small talk about his weekend, and us moving to a new house and the holidays blahblahblah. As I’ve been non-stop nauseous with occasional vomiting and extreme exhaustion I was less nervous and more excited. I told the doctor I thought there were 2 and I knew where they were in my uterus. He scoffed at me but I showed him anyway. Anyway, in goes the dildocam and immediately we could see the 2 sacs (right where I said they’d be, by the way). The first thing the doctor said was “Well, I’m glad you got a bigger house.” Yolks both measuring 4 mm, Baby B slightly smaller than Baby A – Baby A exactly on track at 5 weeks 6 days. And then…then…the flickers. I could only see it for a split second because that was the moment where I lost my shit and started sobbing on the table. Their tiny little hearts were beating. DH got a little misty eyed too, and he’s a straight up stoic kinda man’s man.

So, Baby A’s heart rate is 98 and Baby B’s is 88. I was concerned about Baby B’s being so much slower but the doctor said that seeing any heartbeat this early is excellent – he’s doesn’t expect to see them until 6 weeks 2-3 days. Plus, I know when both babies implanted (I know I sound nuts, but I felt it) and Baby B implanted 14-16 hours later than Baby A. So, to me it makes sense that he’d be a little behind. We go back in for another ultrasound on Dec. 27 and then I graduate to a real Ob-Gyn. (Which I haven’t picked yet – I get most of my medical care through the university, so I don’t have a regular Ob like most folks).

Also, it’s my dad’s birthday and I knew he and my mom were going crazy waiting to hear. So I made up a little birthday song (which he was quite annoyed with until I got to the end) – “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Grandpa Dean, the number of babies is ……….. 2!”  Then there was a lot of whooping and hollering and hooting. As it turns out my dad had been with a patient (he’s an eye doctor, my mom and my best friends mom are his office staff since they retired) and they had all run in to his office to hear the news when they saw it was me calling. And as it turns out the patient was my third grade teacher, so that’s kinda cool (I told you I’m from a small town, right?).

I can’t even believe it. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and lord knows I’ve had my heart broken right along with friends who have lost pregnancies after seeing the heartbeat (my heart is still breaking for you Unexpected), but it’s one more hurdle closer to the goal.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support – it’s such a wonderful feeling to have people to share this with (since we’re not telling anyone outside of family and close friends and apparently elementary school teachers). Ya’ll rock my world!

Losing my mind

07 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Betas, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings, Results

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

beta hell, beta not doubling

Let’s get something straight – patience has never been one of my virtues, so the waiting associated with infertility drives me absolutely nuts. And I am sick to death of waiting, especially because (with infertility) it so often feels like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shadow of failure is always hovering, defeat is always looming. I’ve spent so much time being cautious and curtailing my optimism during this process. This pregnancy was the first time I have really truly been whole-heartedly optimistic in years, seriously, years. We got that first high beta and I thought we were safe, I thought we were in the clear, so I was completely blindsided by the bad beta. It feels like infertility saw my hope and joy and turned around and bitch slapped me. Again.

I broke down to S last night. He’s been on a business trip for the last 4 days so it’s been me, my step-daughter and my mother-in-law (who came to watch A while I was at work). I haven’t had a free moment to myself. So once I picked S up from the airport at 11 PM all of the crazy, frightened, neurotic, angry feeling stew that had been brewing in me since the call with the bad beta news just erupted into a massive display of woe is me. There was a lot of “why is this happening?”, “why did I think this would work?”, “why did I think we could ever have a baby?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “what is wrong with me?” in between ridiculously theatrical massive sobs.

Now, I know it’s not over until the proverbial fat lady does her thing, but if there’s one thing infertility has taught me it’s that I am not the exception. I am (almost always) the worst case scenario (with the exception of the egg fertilization thing). I am clinging unbelievably tightly to all of your assurances that it could be a vanishing twin (thank you, sincerely, for all of the support), that there could still be a healthy baby hanging on, but I feel like I’m deluding myself.

I had a ton of symptoms up until Dec. 3 (see one of the earlier posts) and then they all kind of … went away. Not totally away – I had occasional mild nausea and slight cramping – but I thought maybe that was because the implantation part was done and we were moving on to another phase. Silly me. And now I have symptoms again but I think they’re a result of anxiety and possible impending miscarriage rather than pregnancy. My back aches a little, and I’ve been super nauseous – but I often get nauseous when I’m really upset (some of you may recall that while trying to chose a donor I cried so hard I threw up. Yep. You’re welcome).

Anyway, I’m just going hang out in my “woe is me” corner and rock back and forth, waiting for tomorrow to give blood so I can wait for the Doctor to call me. I’m sure I’ll fill my time with something constructive, like vacillating wildly between being completely convinced it’s over and mostly convinced it’s ok. Should be fun.

** And now for the good news!! We got full custody of my step-daughter! Her mother was declared an unfit parent and now is limited to 4 hours of supervised contact every other weekend. She didn’t even bother to show up in court. When we told A she was going to live with us now she asked a few questions like, “Will I ever see my mom again?”, and “Will I go to school here now?”, and then said “Well,  good. It’s better here. This is a better place for a kid, but don’t tell my mom I said that.”

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

5AA blastocyst, 5dt, donor eggs, egg transfer, hatching blastocyst, twins

Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

 

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt.  In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.

I Used an Egg Donor

24 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IVF

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

egg donor, Infertility, IVF

“Oh my god!” I said. “What if this procreation thing works?”
We never thought to ask: What if it doesn’t?

Large sections of this essay (I Used an Egg Donor) resonated with me. Some didn’t – clearly I didn’t natural and quickly accept the idea of donor eggs like this women did – but overall I think this presents a light-hearted (as light as is possible with this heavy-assed topic) glimpse into DE IVF. I certainly love the quote below.

“When you’re busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies’ DNA.”

 

The road to donor eggs

23 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IUI, IVF, Miscarriage, Musings

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

difficult decision, donor eggs, fertility, infertility emotional pain, IVF, judgment

No one expects that they’ll need to use someone else’s eggs to conceive a child. Well, maybe a few do, but for most of us this is not the way we planned it. It’s a last resort, rather than a first choice. And it is a long and painful road to get to the point where you make that decision.

First, there is the decision to go to the fertility clinic, usually after months or years of dedicated effort to procreate and continual, repeated disappointment. At the fertility clinic there are the tests, the waiting, the fear. Then the shock of “The Diagnosis” – that condition that suddenly defines your reproductive potential and, by proxy, redefines how you see yourself. Then “The Treatment”. Whether it’s corrective surgery, medicated cycles, IUI’s, IVF, etc, it is invasive, expensive, time-consuming, soul crushing, relationship damaging and anxiety ridden. Add in generous measures of shame, guilt, fear, failure and anxiety and you can come close to understanding how absolutely devastating infertility can be. But, we all think that treatment will work for us, we all think we’re the lucky one. Maybe you are, but maybe you aren’t. If you are, congrats! But if you aren’t (and statistically most of us aren’t) – you search your soul and you muster your courage, because either you will move forward and try another treatment, or you will reevaluate and choose a different path. Both roads take immense courage and sacrifice. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until your strength, patience, or bank account run out.

At some point during this process you will have a crisis of confidence, a crisis of self, a breakdown, a total loss of joy. There will be moments where you can’t go on, where you can’t get out of bed, where you can’t face your husband/wife/mother/father/friends/doctor/expectations/life. Days of extreme anger and frustration and “why me?”. There will be bargaining and pleading and praying. And there will be pain, both physical and emotional. Lots and lots of pain.

At some point during this process someone may say some version of “This isn’t going to work. I’m sorry. Despite all of the advances of medical science we can’t help you. You will never have children.” And at that point you will begin to consider things that you never imagined you would consider. For me, that was egg donation.

Early on, my RE asked me if we would consider using an egg donor. I gave her an absolute, unequivocal NO. No way, never, not ever would I ever even consider that.  NO.  NEVER.  EVER. But, that was before 2 failed IUI’s, 3 failed IVF’s, 1 miscarriage, countless nights spent crying, untold numbers of heartfelt talks with my husband, and hundreds of hours of considering my dwindling options for motherhood. That was before I spoke to many, many people who decide to use egg donation to help create their families. And then, once I began to consider it, I was completely overwhelmed by my feelings about what that would mean for me, for my husband, any DE conceived children, our families…. Would I be the mother? Would I feel like an impostor? Would I love the child the same as if it was my own? Would my husband/family/society view me or my child differently? And how on earth do I choose a woman to replace me? Because that’s what it feels like initially – that you’re choosing a replacement.  I didn’t think I could live with the decision to use an egg donor, but I also didn’t think I live with not having a child. (The adoption conversation we will need to save for another time). One of the wonderful ladies who follows my blog wrote to me and told me that at some point you magically turn a corner – it may be finding the right donor, or coming to terms with the situation, or completing the grieving process – and it suddenly feels ok. Not perfect, not ideal – but doable. And she was right. One day I woke up and it didn’t hurt to look at the profiles. I start to feel excited. I stopped looking for myself on the donor sites and started looking for traits I would like to pass on to my children. Somehow, lord only knows how, I was not only ok with donor eggs, but embracing the idea and excited to begin.

I chose to share our decision to use an egg donor with some close friends (we don’t plan on keeping our conception journey a secret from our children so we may as well start getting used to talking about it now) and unfortunately we were met with mixed reactions. I don’t know why I was surprised given that I was conflicted initially as well. But, it still hurt to have my friends tell me that our choice is “unnatural”, “deviant”, “desperate and selfish” and “horrifying”. Of course, those same people had to get off the phone with me to go put their children to bed. So, easy for them to make pronouncements from on high. But, I can understand their knee-jerk reaction. Truly, I can. But the thing that I wasn’t able to communicate to them and the point that I’m trying to make here is that no one arrives at this decision quickly. No one takes it lightly. We have all, every last one of us, been through hell before we arrived at this particular cross roads. I would wager that everyone who has ever chosen to use donor eggs gave it an incredible amount of thought and did an unbelievable amount of soul-searching. And something that I have learned from this is that my choices are for me, my husband and my family. These are the right things for US. They may not be the choices you would make, they may not be the right thing for your family. But I believe they are the right choices for me and my family. I hope that we get support, but if we don’t – oh well. I can live with that.

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Sh!t happened on Friday the 13th

14 Saturday Sep 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Musings

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, donor worries, Friday the 13th

Yesterday I was pooped on (by the dog, twice), vomited on (by myself and the dog), pulled over (by a cop), vomited on someone else (same cop; he quickly determined I had a good reason for not coming to a complete stop at the stop sign but decided against helping me clean up the dog butt explosion in the car). I striped to my skivvies on the side of the road (twice) and washed myself and the dog with a hose behind a gas station, all while driving 350 miles from CA to AZ. I have now rewashed myself and the dog several times, but I refuse to go near the car. Side note – I challenge anyone to be stuck in a car on a curvy road, unable to pull over, with a dog in the backseat spraying diarrhea everywhere (including on you and the windshield) and not vomit. Can’t be done

After a day like that, no one wants to get a call from their fertility clinic. As I saw the number come up I wondered if I was about to get shit on yet again. Bracing myself, I answered. Turns out my DE nurse had some news. She hadn’t called me all week because she wanted to give us and the donor a week to consider moving forward. She said especially in light of all that we’ve been through, in particular while choosing a donor, she wanted to make sure everyone was 100% on board. She spoke with the donor 3 separate times this past week, reiterating the processes and giving her a bit of information about us – nothing too personal, just the basics of the situation. She says the donor is excited to move forward, pleased to be matched with us and has a solid understanding of both the process and the commitment. The only things she has left to do are the genetic testing and psychological profile and the nurse isn’t worried about either. On Monday, I am to call the financial gal at the clinic to firm up all the numbers and send the next check, as well as the cycling nurse to discuss where I am in my cycle and start getting synced up with the donor. It looks like it’s happening. It’ll take about 2 weeks (on the outside) for the donor to complete her testing and then all we have to do is….the cycle itself.

Considering that we’ve never gotten this far before you’d think I’d be ecstatic, but really I’m extremely cautiously optimistic. The bitter, hardened part of me is working overtime to hedge my bets and prep my soul for disaster (that would be the devil on my shoulder saying “The timing couldn’t be worse. You’re going to finish your dissertation while pregnant? Who’s going to hire a pregnant women once you’re done? So you’ll be unemployed? You know your lease is up in Jan and the landlord is selling the house so you have to move? You’re going to be pregnant AND unemployed AND homeless? If this doesn’t work it out it will be a blessing in disguise.” And the angel on the other shoulder whispers “Of course you’ll find a job, don’t be silly. You already have 2 job possibilities lined up. And you’ll just move into another house and this will let you have a nursery, and it will be a great chance to get rid of all the extra junk (physical and emotional) you’ve been wool gathering for the last few years.”)

Either way, here are the things I know for certain

  1. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. No one ever looks at their watch and goes “I have the next 18 years free, let’s have a kid.” No one ever looks in their wallet and goes “Too much money in here, we should have a kid.”
  2. I’m not getting any younger. (My eggs are already shot, but they were probably crappy by the time I was 25.) My ability to easily and successfully have a comfortable and complication free pregnancy decreases with every passing year. My energy level for chasing toddlers isn’t going to increase in my 40’s either.
  3. I want a child. My husband wants a child. And in the end this is the only thing that matters.

Controlling your (in)fertility

09 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings

≈ 5 Comments

As I’m sitting here happily drinking my morning coffee I started thinking back to the time, not so long ago, when I wouldn’t let myself drink coffee, or even tea, forget about wine/beer/margaritas. The time when I was eating kale like it was my job. And blueberries and pineapple (only the center) and avocados and avoiding anything with sugar or corn syrup. I was doing fertility yoga, avoiding nail salons, doing meditations and spending hundreds of dollars a month on supplements. I was driving myself crazy. I have some thoughts on that time, from the other side, for those of you who are there now. For me (this may not be true for you) this was what was going on…

  1. I needed a sense of control. Infertility takes away your control over your body and over your future. These measures, however silly they may seem, were a way for me to exert some control over my life.
  2. I needed to DO something. There’s lot of waiting involved when you are “actively” dealing with infertility. You’re waiting for your cycle to start, waiting for your appointment, waiting for the cyst to go away, waiting for the blood results to come back, waiting for a call from the doctor… it was something to DO.
  3. I wanted to make a “deal”. I was raised to believe that if I was good enough, tried hard enough, did well enough I could do whatever I wanted. Generally, this has been true. So I felt like if I did everything, tried everything, ate perfectly, exercised properly and consistently, avoided anything potentially harmful – if I made myself the perfect vessel I could have a baby. I just needed to figure out what all the right things were, and then I could have my family. I wanted to make a deal with the universe – “See, I’m perfect. I did everything right. Can I have my baby now please?”

And it didn’t work (obviously). And so I started getting into this very emotionally damaging cycle of “it must not be working because I’m taking the wrong brand of supplement” or “I must not be exercising/eating/mediating enough”. Eventually this morphed into a general “I’m not good enough.” Even though I knew (logically) that I had a medical condition and even though I understood very well the odds of us getting pregnant I still felt like I could make a deal, if I just tried hard enough. After all, I had read the well-worn stories we’ve all read about the woman from Europe who took the supplements and suddenly had lots of healthy eggs, or the woman who started doing yoga and got pregnant naturally after years of failed fertility treatments. If they could do it, why not me? I know now (and knew then too although I didn’t want to admit it) that for every “success story” there are thousands of “failures” (although I don’t like to think of them that way anymore – now I think of them as “the ending we hope for” and the “road less traveled”).

I’m not trying to take away your hope,or telling you not to try every single thing you can, especially if it will make you feel better in the long run to feel that you did everything you possibly could. What I’m saying is cut yourself a break. Your fertility doesn’t hinge on one glass of wine. Eating one more pineapple isn’t suddenly going to create the perfect viable egg. Missing one yoga class doesn’t mean you’re not “committed to the process”.

I’m still dealing with feelings of shame and inadequacy because of my infertility. There’s still guilt. But it’s getting better. The unwavering love and support of my husband, my parents, my sister and my friends is going a long way towards healing those wounds. And I finally recognize that no perfect supplement cocktail, no magic pineapple, no perfect down dog could have cured me. My infertility isn’t a result of anything that I did, and nothing that I can do will fixed it. And it’s a relief to let go of the responsibility.

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Holding my breath…

06 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IVF, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

We found someone. A donor. She’s from The World Egg Bank. They allow open donations if both parties are willing (and if you pay additional fees of course). We contacted our clinic, contacted TWEB, got the contracts. TWEB called the donor and she’s willing and able to start testing immediately. Sold our second car to get the deposits.  Today we signed the contract, wrote the check to TWEB for 50% of the fees and drove it to their doorstep. Now our clinic will get in touch with the donor and start the testing. Annnnnnndddddddd, here’s where it can all go wrong.

See, the donors aren’t prescreened which is pretty typical, I think, when you use an agency. There’s just too many people to screen, not all of them will be chosen etc. So our clinic is going to do all of the testing (which they insist on whether it’s been done in the past or not) – physical, genetic, psychological…. and our donor nurse has told us in the past that only about 1 in 8 people pass. Some fail the STD testing, many flake out, most fail the ovarian reserve assessment. She said no one really fails the psych testing because if they’ve managed to stick it out through all of the other stuff they’re pretty committed and solid mentally and emotionally. They kind of screen themselves. So now all I can think is “Oh my god. I’ve finally found someone who fits our (apparently very narrow) criteria and there’s only a 12% chance she’ll pass the testing to become a donor?” S keeps telling me to stay positive – the nurse at TWEB said she remembers her and she is isn’t flaky, that she’s very straightforward and funny and nice. She’s only 20 so the odds of her meeting the ovarian reserve testing criteria are excellent. But still, so many things could go wrong. And like I’ve said before, if infertility has taught me anything it’s that I’m not the special one, the one who beats the odds, the one who breezes through. So, for the next few weeks I’ll be holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop….

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What not to say to a stranger

20 Monday May 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Musings

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

comments, donor eggs, Infertility, insensitive, red hair

Saturday was my 37th birthday. Low key, overall nice day. Sat night was my friends bachelorette party / my birthday party and we decided to go dancing with a group of girls. I didn’t know some of them as they were work friend’s of the girl getting married. So, we’re all introducing ourselves and one of the girls says to me “Is your hair real?”. I get this all the time. So I say “Yes. It was a gift from my mama.” She replies “You know, you could make a lot of money.” I get this all the time too – people telling me how much real hair red wigs go for. So I say “Yes, so I’ve heard.” But then she totally blindsided me and says “You should sell your eggs. I bet a ton of people who waited too long to have kids are dying for some eggs from red heads. I bet they’d pay thousands of dollars.” I stared at her with my mouth open. I couldn’t even believe what was happening. I mumbled some reply and walked away and she followed me still babbling about these sad old woman who couldn’t have babies that would buy my eggs.

As I’m getting into the car to go the club a friend of mine says “Can you believe the nerve of that girl? I mean, Jesus, what if you couldn’t have children or something? Can you imagine how that would make you feel?” Why yes, yes I can imagine EXACTLY how that would make me feel. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel ashamed. I wanted so bad to say to her “You know, I can’t have children, so I am one of those sad old woman who is looking for a red-haired egg donor right this minute and am going to buy her eggs for thousands of dollars, if I’m lucky. And thank you SO MUCH for reminding me of that ON MY BIRTHDAY.” But I didn’t. I hung my head and I ran away. And I’m ashamed of that too. It was an opportunity to educate someone on infertility and I was too weak/scared/sad/ashamed to stand up for myself. *sigh* Maybe one day I’ll be in a better place with this. But until then, universe, could you cut me some slack? Geez.

Bravery

27 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings

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Tags

gay marriage, gay rights, Infertility, infertility bravery

528896_10151621172757784_1024423227_nI have always been and advocate of gay marriage. It seems ridiculous and presumptuous in the extreme for folks to try to interfere with two people they don’t even know who love each other. What difference does the color of their skin, their age (assuming they are consenting adults) or what’s between their legs make? Why is it anyone else’s business? Our genitalia do not define us.

So, I’ve been very interested in the court hearings of the last few days. And I’ve been watching the marching, the fund-raisers, the speeches etc. Now, I’ve often participated in these both to show my support to the cause and to support my LGBT friends. But watching over the last few days is different. I suddenly see an unexpected resemblance between their fight and my infertility fight.

I feel that my infertility struggle is extremely private and personal. And I have intense feelings of shame and guilt associated with it, even thought it’s not my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to talk about not only because of those feelings but because it (implicitly or explicitly) involves my sex life, which is nobody’s business. I also feel like I’ve let my husband down, my family down. And there are intense feelings of anger because I can’t have what seems to be everyone else’s god given right – children. See the similarities yet?

I am only just now TRULY beginning to understand how hard it must be to come out. First, to have to quietly and privately accept that you are different from other people, even though it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. I imagine (especially in certain situations) there must be extreme amounts of guilt and shame, and the feeling that you’re letting your family down. And then you have to explain to people, talk about your sex life, and then stand by while they judge you. Judge you about something that isn’t any of their business. Judge you about something you have no control over. And then, after all of that, a bunch of strangers who don’t know you and have never met you tell you that you can’t have what is everyone else’s right – to marry the person you love. What a terrible, terrible affront. It’s criminal. Mindless, needless suffering.

And then I see these people on the news standing proudly and telling the world “Yes, I am gay. And I am worthy. And you are wrong for judging me just because I’m different.” They aren’t ashamed. They’re brave. I want to be like them. To be able to say “I am infertile but I am still worthwhile. I can’t have a child but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman.”

So keep fighting the good fight my friends. Know that you have love and support. And know that people are watching and being inspired by your bravery and self-acceptance. I certainly am.

Oh my god

27 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 18 Comments

My sister has DOR too. She isn’t a suitable donor candidate, and her OAR (Ovarian Assessment Report) is 7, which is borderline low. That’s what mine was when we started aggressive IVF treatment. So not only is she not a suitable donor, she has seriously decreased fertility

I…I don’t even know what to say. I’m devastated for her, for us both. There are just no words.

A manifesto on fear.

26 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Musings

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, donor eggs sister, fear

One day soon I hope I’ll have good news – happy things to post on here – rather than the usual doom and gloom complaining. But, I don’t. Not yet.

My sadness from the other day has shifted into something a bit more sinister that feels uncannily like fear. I am afraid (there, I said it) of what comes next. This feels dangerously like putting all of my eggs in one basket (which it is, physically and metaphorically). My sister is our last chance, and that is a HUGE scary thing. What if it doesn’t work? After all, if infertility has taught me anything it’s that I’m not the exception, I’m the worst case scenario. My usual “Hope for the best prepare for the worst” model doesn’t work; it’s more like “Don’t let yourself hope at all and wear a helmet and body armor ’cause the worst is coming and it’s gonna hurt like hell”.  S and I had a conversation today that broke my heart. He wanted to talk about baby names, asked me if I had picked a boy name. He’s hoping again, he’s back onboard. We talked about it for a few minutes, laughing and smiling, and suddenly I realized what I was doing and was furious with myself. It felt like leading him on, allowing him to hope so freely. It felt like it was jinxing it.

I’m afraid to hope again. I’m afraid that if it doesn’t work I’ll fall apart. I’m afraid that if it doesn’t work my sister will feel like she failed. I’m afraid her test results will come back as borderline DOR and we won’t be able to even try. I’m afraid she has the same thing as me and that she’ll be thrown into infertility hell with us. THAT would be the absolute worst thing that could happen.

My sister and her fiance fly out here on Easter (fittingly the holiday where eggs take center stage), and the following week she has her appointments with our doctors here (she had her initial consultation in her home state-no results yet) and with the psychologist and the lawyer. It’s getting real up in here. It’s not just the happy feelings of sisterly love and nebulous future possibilities – we’re back to cold hard facts, appointments, statistics, probabilities… and once bitten, twice shy. I have learned the hard way that I fall on the wrong side of all those numbers. And I’m scared.

It’s official – it’s over.

23 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Musings, Results

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

AMH, barren, FSH, infertile

url-1So much for my big talk about accepting the reality of the situation and letting go.

I just talked to my clinic and got my blood results from a few weeks back – my AMH is 0.15, FSH is 7.71 and Estrodial is 108, which means I officially fall into the category of “unsuitable for IVF”. I always thought IVF was the last resort and here I am once again contemplating what you do when you’re too far gone even for the last resort to be an option.

I thought I was prepared for this. I knew it would be hard, but I thought I was ready for the finality of it. Turns out I’m not. There was one last shred of secret hope growing in my heart like a tough and hardy weed, and tearing it out has reopened the wound and I am drowning.

It’s so unfair. It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have learned the course of this grief by now – this pain has a road map. I know I’ll spend the rest of the day huddled into myself, quietly crying and trying to hold it all together. The night will pass sleeplessly as I’m washed with waves of guilt and anger and loss. (Thank god my husband is out of town. He’s seen this scene a few too many times now, and it makes him feel helpless and alone). Tomorrow will pass in a  gray haze of sadness and the next day, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to start trying to rebuild myself and incorporate this new knowledge into my new self concept. The knowledge that I am barren. At 36. That I carried one child that was my own flesh and blood, I lost it, and that I’ll never have that chance again.

I know I’m extremely lucky, that I have my sister and that she is willing to donate her eggs to us. But right now I think I’m just going to let myself mourn for all that I’ve lost – today, and through this whole process. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to be brave again.

Next Steps

05 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, IVF, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

antral follicle count, choice, donor eggs, Infertility, IVF

I’ve been MIA for quite a while – sorry. I just needed a break from all of the IVF/infertility stuff. However, a lot has happened!

S and I went back to our local RE and had a hilarious conversation about what we wanted to do next. We told her about CCRM (she was appalled that they made us redo all of the tests she’d already done – bills are still coming in and we’re over $6000 now just from the ODWU) and that I wasn’t comfortable there and didn’t want to cycle with them. I launched into the back story of when my sister offered to donate her eggs and the conversation went something like this –

Me: “So, I was in the car with my sister and was telling her about CCRM.”

Dr: “Yesssss…”

Me: “And I told her my AMH has dropped.”

Dr.: “Yessssss…..”

Me: “And she said-“

Dr: “What did she say?!?”

Me”-that she would like to donate her eggs to us.”

Dr.: “YES!!!!! I’ve been waiting for you to say that since you walked in!!!”

So, she was thrilled, to say the least. Then we told her we wanted to try one more cycle with my eggs, if it looked like it could be viable (ie, if my AMH is >0.1 and my baseline ultrasound shows 4+ follicles).  She readily agreed. We met with the donor egg nurse (who might just be the nicest person alive) and left feeling pretty good about things. What a change, walking out of that office feeling hopeful, or at least not in tears.

My sister has been in touch with DE nurse (she also loved her) and we are moving forward on that front. She is going to see an RE in her area to make sure she fits the criteria and that her reproductive bits are all in working order (Please universe, let her be ok – Not for my sake but for hers. I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy and it would break my heart for my sister to have suffer it). We’ve booked flights for her and her fiancé to fly out here on their spring break (they live across the country) so that we can all go to the psychologist and so that my sister can get the final parts of her testing done.

I started my period yesterday (for the first time in years I was happy to see it arrive) and I go in day after tomorrow to get the verdict (in the form of an ultrasound with the blood work verdict being a day or 2 behind). Will we be able to move forward with one final IVF cycle using my eggs?

To be honest, either way is going to be tough. If it looks hopeless that’ll be the last nail in the coffin of me ever having my own biological children, and despite feeling prepared for that finality I know I’m not. It would be a huge, bitter pill to swallow. But, the thought of another failed IVF cycle, or worse – another miscarriage – is beyond daunting. And…. I feel like there might be some relief in just letting go – letting go of the expectations, the possibilities, the “what ifs”, the constant researching, the painful, unrealistic hope. I imagine it could be very freeing to just accept that I will never have biological children, mourn that, and move on to other possibilities. I feel that I have reached a point where the waiting and the not knowing and the limbo is so hard that I’d rather just have a verdict. And honestly, 4 months ago I could not have imagined feeling that.

You know what I think the difference is (besides time)? Choice. I feel I have a choice again, that I am in control of my life again. That is an offshoot of the incredible gift my sister offered me – she gave me an option I was comfortable with, and put the ball back in my court. I am no longer at the end of my rope, out of options, out of control. Not saying either of these options will work (OE or DE), but if they don’t I can imagine that there are more options. And I know that I could be open to them. One way or another, it will happen for me. I will make it work.

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CCRM info

28 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

CCRM, CCRM insurance, CCRM ODWU, fertility cocktail, fertility supplements, male fertility supplements, poor responders

So, a while ago I promised I’d put up “fertility cocktail for poor responders” from CCRM. But first let me say that you should get checked out by a doctor before you take any of these, in particular I think folks with thyroid issues should be careful. So, that’s my disclaimer. I’m a doctor, but not that kind of doctor! I was also prescribed DHEA – 25mg x 3 day. Also, at the bottom I talk a bit more about the financial side of CCRM and our ODWU. Finally, I’ve linked to the particular supplements that I used – hopefully this will give you a starting place when you’re looking to get supplements. But please, investigate the quality of any and all herbal meds or supplements that you take. They are not all created equal! The quality of different brands can change through time, so what was great for me may no longer be the best option. However, these were the ones I found that were the best quality for the price.

Poor Responder Supplement for Women **Ideal supplementation 3 months prior to retrieval

  • Myo Inostol 2gm (twice a day)
  • Melatonin 3mg (at bedtime)
  • Co Enzyme q10 400 mg (twice a day)
  • Omega-3 fatty acid 1000mg (once daily)
  • Vitamin C 500mg (once daily in the AM)
  • Vitamin E 200IU (once daily)
  • L-arginine 1000mg (twice a day)
  • Pycnogenol 100mg (once daily)

Male Fertility Supplements

  • Co Enzyme q10 200mg (3 times a day)
  • Omega-3 fatty acid 1000mg (once daily)
  • Vitamin C 500mg (once daily in the AM)
  • Vitamin E 400IU (once daily)
  • L-arginine 1000mg (twice a day)
  • Pycnogenol 100mg (once daily)
  • Folic acid 400mcg (once daily)
  • Centrum with minerals (once a day)

We also got back our insurance reimbursements from our ODWU at CCRM. We have CIGNA, and they are AMAZING. With our hometown RE everything is covered except a few of the blood tests and the office visit copay ($30) so each of our cycles has ended up costing us <$1000 out of pocket, which is incredible. CCRM is out-of-network for most insurance companies – the lady said it had something to do with their proximity to a hospital? I didn’t understand, but whatever, for almost everyone it’s expensive and it’s out-of-pocket. We paid ~$5000 for our ODWU, and after submitting all of the reimbursement forms we have gotten $1000 back. So that’s $4000 for one day of tests even with our amazing insurance. Not trying to disuade anyone, but be aware.

{In this particular post my brokenoven is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associate Program, and affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com}

Brutal honesty

24 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IUI, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor eggs, DOR, Infertility

One of the brave ladies whose blogs I follow had some bad news today. Only 1/3 of the eggs they retrieved during this cycle were mature. She is understandably crushed and feels that she has reached the end of the road. Despite thousands of dollars of drugs and treatments, months of healthy living, and the highest level of medical intervention available she feels like pregnancy isn’t going to happen for her. I feel her pain. My feet are also on that road, and it is a sad, lonely, painful path to walk.

We spend so much time scouring blogs, boards and articles looking for hope – trying to find that one success story, trying to convince ourselves (and often succeeding) that we are the lucky ones, that it will happen for us. People answer your questions and are very supportive – “Keep trying!”, “Don’t give up!”, they say. That support is invaluable, but it’s also misleading.

A few months ago I posted a question on an infertility board and got lots of warm, friendly, supportive, positive replies. I felt good, better, even hopeful.  And then a woman sent me a personal message. She told me that she had the same diagnoses as me and was a bit younger. She had basically the same response to meds. And she was going to use donor eggs. She urged me to open myself up to other options, because, as she said “it was very, very unlikely that I’d ever carry a pregnancy to term with my own eggs.” I was angry, hurt and confused. She’d burst my bubble. Where was the support? All those words that I wanted to hear? I didn’t want to hear that it wouldn’t work, I didn’t want to acknowledge that as a possibility.

Months have gone by since she wrote to me. Since then my AMH has dropped. I had a miscarriage and another unsuccessful Clomid cycle to add to my list of failures. My odds, which were never good, are in the toilet. So I wrote her back. I asked her questions. And I now trust her as someone who will tell me the truth. Not in a mean, hurtful or dismissive way (like my RE) but like someone who has been there. Like someone who walked this horrible road before me and understands the pain, frustration, and utter powerlessness that you feel. She found a way out of this terrible place. She recently gave birth to twins –  a boy and girl – as a result of her DE cycle. She beat infertility. Not in the straightforward way we all wish for, but in a subterfuge – an undercover coup. She found the courage to accept a work-around, and she has 2 beautiful children and couldn’t care less where they came from. 2 souls now exist that didn’t before. Her arms and heart are full. She won.

Let me be very clear here – donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption – these options are not for everyone. It is an extremely personal choice. The point is that there is a choice. One of the most awful things about infertility is that your choice, the control of your own destiny, the control over your own body is taken away and no amount faith, karma, begging, wishing or believing can change that. But there are options. There are choices.

So, when my blog friend wrote how defeated she was feeling my first instinct was to comfort, reassure and sooth her. But I erased that response and tried to be honest, hoping that eventually she would find some comfort in that honesty and that it would help to make the road she’s on a little less frightening. I wanted her to know that even if her very worst fears come true (which is very possible) life won’t come crashing down. There is hope, but it may look entirely different than you thought it would.

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Decisions decisions

03 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

CCRM, donor egg, IVF, sister

I’ve made a few decisions.

  1. I don’t want to cycle at CCRM. They’re great and all and we’re going to finish out all of the testing that they advised and take the supplements but it’s too expensive, too far away and our chances (even with them) are just too slim.
  2. I’m going to cycle one last time with my RE here. She has advised against it, but reluctantly said she’d do it if we were set on it. I’m going to set up a meeting with her later this month to discuss it further and to discuss the possibility of using my sisters eggs. I feel like I need to do one more cycle using my OE. Maybe because the last time it worked, maybe because I’m stubborn, but I think I need to do it for my own peace of mind.
  3. I’m going to ask my sister to start moving forward with all of the tests that she would need to be an egg donor. I’m secretly concerned that she may also have DOR (both for her sake and for ours) and so I don’t want to absolutely get my heart set on her DE as an option. She could also change her mind, and I would completely understand. I would be a little crushed, but I would understand.

I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about DE, and I worry most about the effect that it would have on her. IVF is a painful, long and invasive process, and I hate to think about her having to go through it. I also worry about the long-term emotional ramifications. I’m pretty sure that I know how I feel about it, and S has been on-board from the beginning but I worry about how she would feel in the long-term. It’s a complex, confusing and emotional process.

I don’t know if I would consider DE if they weren’t from my sister – that genetic link is critically important to me (as it turns out). What if the baby looked like my sister and not like me? I could live with looking down at my baby and seeing my sister’s eyes, trust me. But could she?

I read something this morning that has fortified my resolve. Someone said “The donor provides the blueprint, but you build the house.” I like that.

CCRM visit

19 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

CCRM, Dr. Brown, insurance, ODWU

It wasn’t what I expected. Mainly because (as it turns out) we are out of network so insurance will only cover about 30%, as opposed to at home where it covers 95%. If we decide to go the CCRM route we’ll have to take out loans which I’m not ok with. And man, they’re expensive! The cost of the ODWU alone was $4750, not including travel expenses. (Only about $1500 of that will be reimbursed by insurance)

We arrived at midnight the night before so we could make our 7:30 am meeting on time. At 7:30 me, S and 6 other couples went into a big conference room where we got a huge binder and a nice lady talked to us for an hour about IVF, CCRM and the reproductive cycle (and told us not to blog, or read blogs). Then we checked in at the desk. S went to do his duty in a cup, then checked in at the desk. Then I got the dildocam where they checked my uterus (fine), blood flow (fine) and resting follicle count (not fine. 2 resting follicles, both >10 mm on day 5. She thinks 1 was probably a cyst. Not fine at all). Then checked in at the desk. Then we went to the business office where they gave us the bad news. Then we checked in at the desk. Then a meeting with our Dr. Then checked in at the desk. Then a meeting with the lab business office where we had sign all the weird paperwork about who gets our embryos if one of us dies, or what we do with them if we divorce, etc. Then lunch. They are nice enough to give each person a coupon for $5 at their snack shop which covered our sandwich and chips. Then checked in at the desk. Then a meeting with the nurse where she gave me a new list of supplements (I’ll post later) and went over procedures and medications and we watched a movie about chromosomal testing. Then checked in at the desk. Then a horrific hysteroscopy with Dr. Brown (more below). Then checked in at the desk. Then blood work (7 vials for me, 4 vials for S) and then it was 3:45 and we checked out at the desk and left for the airport, exhausted.

First, my follicle count. I’m clinging to the belief that the low number of follicles is somehow due to the Clomid cycle last month. More likely, however, is that I’m still recruiting follicles waaaaay early and so by the time they start looking for them (CD3-5) all of the little ones are already gone and so we don’t actually know my resting follicle number. The other alternative is that my DOR has gotten much worse over the last few months and there aren’t many follicles, or much hope, left. I had hoped that the supplements would have helped a little with the early recruitment (by magic perhaps?) or at least given me a few more resting follicles. But who really knows?

Second, the hysteroscopy. I’ve already had an HSG and figured it would be like that. IT’S NOT. First, she had a hard time threading my cervix (after the HSG and IUI’s I’ve had that done a lot, and no one has ever had a problem. In fact, several people have commented on how easy my cervix is to navigate, which is a strange thing to know about yourself but I digress). Also, she didn’t put any numbing agent on my cervix before she gave me the shots (I know it exists, my other doctor uses it) and so they hurt quite a bit. By this time my uterus was painfully cramping. Then she filled my uterus with CO2 so they could move the camera around more easily. She said “You may experience some minor cramping with this, and when you sit up the gas may make your shoulders ache. Holy mother of god, that is not minor cramping. After she was done (everything looks great!) I had to lay on the bed for a while because apparently people often faint. When I sat up, I immediately started to feel an excruciating aching pain in my right shoulder. My right arm curled up and in on itself, and I couldn’t move my hand. The nurse said that’s due to the gas escaping from my fallopian tubes and settling in my shoulder joint, compressing the nerves. Of course, I immediately picture those plastic waving guys in front of the gas stations and imagine my fallopian tubes waving wildly about in my stomach. The shoulder pain continued for about 20 minutes an then it was just gone. BUT, after several hours I started to get a terrible shooting pain under my ribs, like a stitch from running only across a bigger area. The only way I could get it to go away was to lay on that side with my arm stretched out. Turns out that’s from the gas too, and is super common. That lasted all night long.

Finally, the money. We’re very fortunate to have had insurance cover the cost of treatment thus far. I know most people don’t have that. We can’ afford to spend $20,000 on a treatment, especially a treatment that may or may not work. Dr. Brown said she thought our best bet was egg banking – going through several retrievals and freezing the embryos – so that when we do the chromosomal testing etc we only incur the cost once, and we have enough eggs that it’s likely at least one will be viable. But that’s $50,000, at least. I don’t know what to do. S says we need to go for it – then we’ll have the piece of mind that we tried everything. I feel like $50,000 is a huge risk, and we may still end up with empty arms. We should save that money and start looking at other options.

Right now, we’re gonna wait and see. Start the supplements she recommend, wait for the results of all the tests, and see what her final thoughts are. I think we should go back to our old RE (read here – free) armed with all of the new information and see if she’ll cycle with us once more (for free(ish)). Then we can decide about CCRM.

CCRM phone consult

13 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

CCRM, Dr. Brown, phone consult

We talk to Dr. Brown from CCRM (Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine) today. I LOVE HER. She was personable, down-to-earth, easy to talk to, easy to understand AND she never once suggested donor eggs or said the words “advanced maternal age”. Yessssss

The conversation started by her asking us to go through our past reproductive history. She clearly had our records in front of her but I think she wanted to get a feel for how much we knew or understood about the process. Then it was the standard questions about allergies and surgeries and all that. I asked a few questions (For example, “Do you have a minimum requirement on the number of follicles need to go forward with retrieval?”;  “No. Obviously if it’s very low, like 1 or 2, we’ll have a conversation about the risks and your chances but ultimately the decision is yours and your husbands”.  ) and then she went through our one day work-up (ODWU). They want to redo all our tests in their lab (standard operating procedure when you change clinics) and then do the litany of tests CCRM is so famous for – doppler in the uterus and biopsies of the endometrium and DNA analysis of the sperm and whatnot. Yes, CCRM test us! Figure this out! Help me make babies! Test all the things!  DO ALL THE THINGS!doallthethings

She said our case is by no means hopeless, but she’ll know more after they get all the lab results back (obviously). She said they have very finely tuned protocols for poor responders (in particular she thought EPP might work for me) and since my resting follicle count is pretty good (8-11) we have the possibility of getting more eggs. And hopefully, one of those eggs will be the good egg we’re looking for.

She didn’t have any comment on the supplements (I don’t think she could actually advise yet as we weren’t officially patients at that time) but said she would help me tweak those after we got the lab results back.

I feel good. Better. I know it’s still a long shot but it’s nice to have someone believe in us and be willing to help us. Cross your fingers – here we go!!

UPDATE – As it is CD1 for me today (Dec. 14) I called CCRM to schedule our ODWU. Appointment is Monday!!

Something is better than nothing.

29 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Stimming (Taking Ovarian Stimulation meds)

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Co Enzyme Q10, DHEA, herbs, Infertility, Melantonin, Myo Inositol, Vitamin D

Gulp!Well, I said at the beginning of this that I would share everything, so I may as well share what I’m up to now. But first a disclaimer – I know you’re not supposed to take medicine that isn’t prescribed to you (even herbs). My RE specifically told me not to take certain medicines and herbs (In fact she said the people that did were “Desperate people grasping at straws”). I am, at this point, knowingly and willingly choosing to ignore all that advice. I am also (without a doubt) a desperate person. And so.

S and I have decided to change clinics.  We’re exploring the options but CCRM http://www.colocrm.com/ keeps rising to the top. After a little bit of searching I was able to unearth the “female cocktail” that Dr. Schoolcraft (from CCRM) prescribes to his DOR patients. I found a lady a year older then me with similar AMH and FSH numbers and I am going to follow her protocol – after all, the longer you’re on the herbs the better they’re supposed to work (to a point). So as of yesterday I’m taking…

2g Myo Inositol 2x/day, 200mg Co Enzyme 10 2x/day, 3mg Folic acid, 25mg DHEA 3x/day, 3g Melatonin at bedtime and Vitamin D every other day. This is in addition to the preNatal vitamins  and B-12 supplements I was already taking. *I got everything on Amazon but checked out what brands were best. Important to get MYO-inositol, and micronized DHEA (from what I’ve read, but I am not an authority).

Some of the journal articles about these meds are linked below.

Effect of the treatment with myo-inositol plus folic acid plus melatonin in comparison with a treatment with myo-inositol plus folic acid on oocyte quality and pregnancy outcome in IVF cycles. A prospective, clinical trialhttp://www.europeanreview.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/780.pdf

List of publications about MI, FA and Melatonin (and Inofolic, which is a premix combo of these things) http://www.inofolic.it/drupal/?q=en/node/45

From the folks who began using DHEA for infertility http://www.centerforhumanreprod.com/dhea.html

And some warnings http://journals.lww.com/co-obgyn/Abstract/2012/06000/Does_dehydroepiandrosterone_have_any_benefit_in.4.aspx  http://www.advancedfertility.com/blog/coenzyme-q10-and-fertility/

Maybe there’s something to it, maybe there’s not. But it’s better then doing nothing. And the Melatonin sure helps me sleep!

Broken

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Musings

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, IVF, poor responder

We had the follow-up appointment with our RE yesterday. We were expecting some discussion about the miscarriage, a reassessment of protocol and a general good feeling – after all, we managed to get pregnant on our first complete IVF.  That’s good right?

Apparently not.

She told us she was sorry things didn’t work, I just wasn’t a good candidate for IVF and that unless I was ready to try donor eggs there wasn’t much else she could do for me. I was floored. Stunned. Crushed. I couldn’t even speak.  S told her that wasn’t what we were expecting, we weren’t ready to give up yet, after all it was our first real IVF cycle.  She said that, no, it was our 3rd cycle, I was a very poor responder and they couldn’t justify the risks of an egg retrieval and all the meds for so few follicles. She was very sorry and did we mind if she took this call from her daughter? She was clearly too busy to argue with us about my reproductive future. No time to discuss how all of my plans for children and a family, grandchildren for my mother, siblings for my step-daughter, were now in shambles. No time for that. As we were leaving she did mention that if we insisted on continuing we could see Dr. Schoolcraft at  CCRM in Denver. That she didn’t know how he did it but he had some success with “difficult” patients. Apparently I am now a “difficult” patient, a “very poor responder”.

I’ve been crying for almost 20 straight hours. At noon today I had to pick myself up off the floor, wash my face and put on my big girl pants to go have a meeting with my Ph.D advisor. Walking around at work I felt like I had to hold myself very, very still. Like if I moved too fast I’d lose the tenuous hold I had on my self-control. It’s like I’m made of delicate Venetian glass and if I move too fast I’ll shatter into a thousand pieces.

I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t know how to bear this.

I never wanted a huge house. I never daydreamed about my wedding. I never worried about who I would marry. But I have been naming my children since I was 8 years old. I have imagined being pregnant a 1000 times. I have imagined what my babies would look like, how their fingers would be shaped, if they would have my smile. Since I met my husband I have spent at least some part of everyday daydreaming about our children – his nose with my hair? His height and my eyes? I have thought about what Christmas would be like, things I would do for birthdays.  And now that’s just gone?  Forever?

Would it be different if I hadn’t waited until I was 34 to start trying? Are my degrees, my career, worth not having kids?  I didn’t realize that was the deal I was making.  I thought I was being responsible, waiting til I was ready. What is the purpose of my life now?  Work?

And my husband. Oh god my husband. Because he choose to be with me he will never have more children, which he desperately wants. Because he picked me his life is less.

I can’t give my parents grandchildren. I can’t give my husband a child. I will never have a real family of my own.

I feel like such a failure.

9dp2dt, Symptom Spotting Round 2!

09 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)

≈ Leave a comment

Old symptoms:  Moodiness – check.  Irritability – check.  Sore breasts – increasing.  Cramps – mostly gone.  Bloating – mostly gone.  Thirst – mostly gone.  8lbs gained during this cycle – sadly, still with me.

New symptoms:  Discharge. Headache.  Shooting stabbing pain in my right ovary.

First, it’s really weird that I know exactly where my ovaries are, and my uterus for that matter. That being said, I’m pretty sure this stabbing pain is a new cyst since it feels exactly like last time when I had the monster cyst on my left ovary. Second, I’m annoyed that a headache is suddenly a pregnancy symptom when every other day of my life it’s the easily foreseeable result of staring at the computer for too long and/or having a really trying day.  Finally, I feel like the increased breast tenderness is most likely a result of me poking them all the time to see if they’re sore.  *sigh*

That leaves me with discharge.  Joy.  You know it’s a bad day when you hang your hopes on discharge.

I’m trying to convince S to go out to dinner so I can get away from the HPT which is burning a hole in the bathroom cabinet – after all I tested yesterday and it was negative. I’ll test in the morning with FMU, or if I’m feeling very in control of myself I’ll wait until tomorrow night. If it’s still BFN at that point the odds are I’m out. Of course, the odds are that I’m out anyway.  I hate math.

 

 

 

Catch up – failed cycle, scorpion shots

07 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Results, Stimming (Taking Ovarian Stimulation meds)

≈ Leave a comment

Sorry I’ve been MIA for months and months.

My last cycle (the IUI) was unsuccessful, and then I left for my honeymoon which was a welcome break from high tech baby making and return to the regular old kind. But, to get caught up…

Upon return to the RE’s office we learned that I had a huge cyst on my left ovary so we waited for a cycle for it to go away.  Started on BCP and went in periodically to check on the progress of the cyst – ended up coasting on BCP for 3 weeks before it had shrunk enough to move forward.  Mind you, it was still 25+ mm we decided to go ahead and start the Lupron microdose flare protocol, but we thought it would shrink. It didn’t.  Anyway, the Lupron was terrible. It felt like a scorpion sting. And I had to do it to MYSELF, 2x every day, in the gut (in addition to the other shots). It also left big angry black and purple bruises with welts underneath – I was a total mess.

The bruise from my first microdose Lupron shot

In the middle of all this I went in to the RE’s for a follicle scan. While waiting for them to gel up the dildocam I asked if everyone had lots of problems with the Lupron, and they said “No.  No one every really says much about that one” at which point I revealed my bruised and battered abdomen. The doctor and the nurse exchanged a “look” and we got on with the dildocam. 2 follies. Only 2. After all that.  They weren’t sure if the cyst was causing problems or if I was over suppressed from the BCP but either way – 2. I was elated! Did this mean I could stop the scorpion shots?  Yes? Either they made it wrong (incorrect pH of the substrate) or I’m allergic (rare but it happens)?  Excellent! So what now Dr?

Says the doctor “Well, we’ve tried the antagonists protocal, and the Lupron microdose flare, why don’t we try the third?  The natural 3 day start”? So we did. I waited for AF, started shots on the 3rd day. This time things were better – 6 follies, all more or less the same size, growing together, no monster lead follie. We were thrilled! Plus, I only had to stim for 8 days! Which was a breeze compared to last time, and a walk in the park compared to the scorpion shots. Unfortunately, the one sad follie on my right ovary got let behind so as we got closer to the egg retrieval we were looking at 5, then 4 follies, which looked big enough to produce mature eggs. Here we go!

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