Category Archives: Infertility and step-kids

Step-parenting: it gets better

02 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Infertility and step-kids, Uncategorized

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We got full custody of my step-daughter 3 years ago this month. She went from spending 4-6 days a months with us to full-time 24/7/365. She came to visit for Thanksgiving and just never left. The timing was hard – we found out we got custody of her the same week I found out that I was pregnant with the twins and 5 months before I defended my PhD.

I was overwhelmed and hormonal. I was miserable. I felt like a terrible person. I knew taking custody of her was the right thing to do, of course. She was in terrible danger with her mom. But I was finally, FINALLY pregnant and I wanted my little family – the family I had imagined in my head. That family picture didn’t include an emotionally damaged, spoiled, full-time step-kid. I know, it makes me sound awful. It was awful – I was awful. (I obviously never let her know that I felt like that.) I spent days locked in my closet crying. It’s a big deal to go from not having a kid to always having a kid. And I love my husband but he’s not a hands on father – all of the parenting and child care fell to me. I was overwhelmed. And the guilt was overwhelming. Here was this 8-year-old kid who had just been through hell and then been taken away from her mom and she was fine. I was 37 and was losing my shit. What kind of parent was I? Did this mean I was a crappy mother and that’s why I was infertile?

Fast forward to today. I just got a text from her  – “Hey mama W, can we watch a scary movie tonight after daddy and the boys go to bed? I’ll make popcorn! I love you”. Last night we spent an hour on the couch together and she learned to french braid using my hair and YouTube. She’s my go to now for good road trip music. We make dinner together almost every night, and when she had an assignment at school about what makes her happy one of the things she said was “cooking dinner with W”. I help her with her math homework and we have long involved discussions about which house we would be sorted into if we went to Hogwarts. I miss her when she goes to see her mom. I can’t imagine life with out her. And I don’t want to.

I bring this up because after getting her text I googled “good relationship with step-mom”. All I got was how-to articles and articles about why step-mothers and daughters have such terrible relationships. Every google search I could think of turned up only negative results. “Why step-daughters and step-monsters can never get along”; “How to make the best of your step relationship.” – all bad news. But you know what? It’s not bad. We have a great relationship now. I love her. She’s my kid. She’s an integral part of my family. It was hard work to get here – there was a lot of intentional parenting, lots of fits and starts and good and bad choices, and we both worked really hard at it. And it was worth it.

I took her to her middle school orientation a few months ago. She introduced me to her science teach and said “This is my parent, W,” and he said “Don’t you mean your mom?” and she said “No. A mom loves you and gives birth to you but a parent is the person who takes care of you.” And there you have it.

**I need to amend this post based on a thoughtful comment from a fellow infertile step-mom. Not every step-family is harmonious, even after a lot of work and effort and love, and there can be lots of different reasons for that. Some things can be fixed and some things can’t. Do the best you can, love as hard as you can and realize that you can only do so much. As step-parents the deck is stacked against us and sometimes there’s no recovering from that. All you can do is your best. Much love to you, fellow step-parents.

step-mom-meme1

The 13th worst day of the year

08 Sunday May 2016

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), fear, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Miscarriage, Musings, Uncategorized

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Mother’s Day. Gah.

The 13th worst day of the year. The other 12 days that were worse? The day my period started each month. The day that marked another failure. Another cycle gone. Another month of trying and wishing and hoping. In vain. Every single month.

Now that I have my boys Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My heart aches with joy at my blessings. My heart aches with pain at the knowledge that there are so many others out there that are still trying and wishing and hoping. So many others dreading this day. Dreading the 12 other worst days.

So for all of you out there still trying – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your babies – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your mamas – I’m thinking of you too. This can be a trying and painful day for so many reasons. Be strong. Be good to each other. I’m thinking of you.

Update on all the things

07 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility

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First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate your kind words. It’s very heartening to know that there are people out there going through the same (or similar) issues – even though I wish none of us had to deal with this stuff. Anyway, thanks!

Now for an update on the babies! We had a growth scan on Tues which was right at 30 weeks. Baby A is measuring 31 weeks 5 days and is 3 lbs 9 oz. Baby B is measuring 30 weeks 6 days and is 3 lbs. 4 oz. They have always been within an oz of each other so I was concerned about the difference but the midwife said it was great for them to be measuring this close at this stage. Heart rates look good. Both are still transverse but I’m hoping hard for Baby A to turn so I can try to give birth “pioneer style” as my husband would say. The midwife thinks I’ll make it to 36 weeks if I’m careful.

I am measuring 49 weeks *gulp*  and it’s starting to get really hard. I have severe carpal tunnel in both hands from the swelling, I’ve gained 43 lbs (which is more than 1/3 of my previous body weight) and I have an “irritable uterus”. Apparently, when you shove a bunch of big babies into your uterus it gets kinda pissed off, which seems totally reasonable to me. But, the result is that I have a combination of almost constant Braxton-Hicks (which started at 5.5 months), “rock hard uterine contractions” (not the clinic term – it’s when the contraction kind of freezes and the uterus stays hard and tight for several hours), and “real” but disorganized contractions. The kind that wrap around and hurt, a lot. The doctor is monitoring me closely and I’m trying hard to take it easy but the things that make the contractions worse are completely ridiculous. For instance, dehydration – even slight dehydration – really gets them going. As does a full bladder. As does the act of urinating. Someone please tell me how I’m supposed to manage those 3 things? In Phoenix? In the summer? Gah!

But, the crazy thing is that I can now (mostly) identify the baby parts that I see poking out of my belly. Tiny fists, feet, forearms, heads….it’s a total trip. Space is getting pretty limited so the hard kicks are slowing down and the boys are mostly just wiggling and poking now.

And…..a quick update on the home front situation. My husbands ex-wife is finally in jail. For those of you just tuning in – my husbands ex is crazy nuts. I know, I know, that makes me sound like a shallow, jealous new wife, but I am oh-so-serious. She is in jail for trying to burn her father’s house down WITH HIM INSIDE. At 9:30 AM on a Tues, like you do. She was drunk, on cocaine and Xanax and 11 weeks pregnant (and knew she was pregnant). Also, she’s 41. So, felony malicious arson of an inhabited structure, arson of property (for his truck), conspiracy to commit arson (she was with some guy she met at Joe’s Crab Shack the night before), use of an accelerant, and there may be an attempted murder charge thrown in for shits and giggles. And now is NOT the time to be on trial for arson in San Diego County! And only she could manage to get arrested in front of her kid from 500 miles away. They were Facetiming when the police arrested her. The US Marshal called my husband and said “You might want to talk to your kid. She was on the screen when we arrested her mom.” Of course, he was out-of-town so the “your mom got arrested and is in jail” conversation fell to me.

Anyway, H-bomb (my pet name for crazy lady) had not exercised her visitation rights, well, ever, so A hadn’t seen her since Thanksgiving (court ordered supervised visitation for 4 hours every other weekend). However, we still had to pay child support to facilitate her travel to see her daughter for visitation.  ???  But, FINALLY upon her arrest the judge cancelled child support and H-bomb will have to pay back the  support for the previous 6 months (which was part of the original order).

Strangely, A seems fine with it all. I explained (in very general terms) what her mother had done (Mommy broke the grown up rules, which are called laws, and now she has to face the consequences, which means she has to live in jail now. We don’t know for how long yet, etc). She asked a few questions, thought about it a bit, asked a few more questions and then she was good. I explained that she probably wouldn’t ever live with her mom again, to which she replied “That’s ok, I don’t want to live with her. It’s safer here. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes”. I asked her how she felt and she said “Disappointed. Why can’t she get it together? Why does she always have to do bad things?”. We took her to the child psychologist who said she seems fine and happy and well-adjusted, and she won the “Happiest” award for 3rd grade at her school. So, we’re doing what we can. If anyone has any experience with kind of thing let me know, because we’re just muddling through as best we can!

This has nothing to do with babies

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by in Infertility and step-kids

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I need to vent.

I am at my wits end. Here are the cliff notes – I am 3 months pregnant with DE conceived twins, trying to finish my Ph.D (I defend in April), nursing my 12 year old dog who has cancer and raising my 8 year old step-daughter by myself. Oh yes, and don’t forget the financial difficulties, because IVF and custody lawyers aren’t cheap.

I’ve talked about my step-daughter before, and her mother. As a quick recap, I’ve known A since she was 4, and she’s almost 9 now. Her father and I married when she was 6 and we’ve had her weekends, holidays and most of the summer ever since then. Her mother has been mentally declining for the last several years which culminated in us being given emergency custody and then full-custody last November. Since then her mother has checked herself into a mental hospital and is now living in a step-house sober-living facility. There will shortly be a warrant issued for her arrest, because in Dec she tried to burn down her fathers home (A’s grandfather) with him inside. She did several hundred thousand dollars worth of damage.

First, I knew when I married my husband that he had a child. I thought that was a bonus – instant family. Oh, the naiveté! I was fully committed to our schedule of weekends, holidays and summers, and to being a step-mother. When it became clear that her mother was unfit and dangerous I agreed that we should try to get full custody. Not because that was what I wanted, but because I thought that was what was best for the child. And let me be clear, after the first custody hearing in Sept. I admitted to my husband that I believed the best possible outcome would be that the unfit mother would see the error of her ways and correct her behavior. I hoped A would continue to stay with her but be in a better and safer situation. I admitted that I had secretly hoped we wouldn’t get custody. He agreed with me. We didn’t get custody (turns out it was because we didn’t file a “move away” form).

When we found out in Nov about the craziness (evictions, moving in with men her mother meet days before, not attending school, drunk driving, drug overdoses, etc) I absolutely agreed we needed to get her out of the situation. I was relieved when the judge gave us custody. I care about A, she’s a good kid and I want her to be safe and happy.

But, when I agreed to full custody what I was agreeing to was 75% time. The arrangement we used to have, only reversed. We would have her during the week and her mother would have her weekends, holidays and summers. We would get a break. I would have time for myself, and time with my husband. But her mother has been declared an unfit parent, and was awarded 4 hours of supervised visitation every other weekend, which she has not exercised. So we have her all the time – 365 24/7.

AND, my husbands new job (his dream job, the one he got which meant I had to sacrifice MY dream job) requires him to travel. And, it requires him to travel much MUCH more than he stated it would when he took it (I was concerned, so we discussed it). And by travel a lot, what I’m saying is that in the last 3 weeks he’s been home 4 nights. Which means that I’m basically a single parent to A. I did not sign up for this. I am ashamed to say this, but I am angry and resentful of her. All of the tender feelings and easy laughs and happy snuggles are gone. I do my best to not show it (we go to the zoo, get our nails done, I take her to cheerleading and play dates blah blah blah) but I have come to dislike her – or more accurately, I am so frustrated and disillusioned by the situation that it bleeds over into how I feel about her.

She is a good kid, but she is not an easy child. Constant whining, temper tantrums if she doesn’t get her way, acting out. She absolutely can not play by herself and most of the neighborhood kids won’t play with her anymore because she’s so bossy and demanding. She doesn’t exhibit age appropriate behaviors (this has been a struggle for a long time). A lot of my home time is consumed with struggles of trying to get her to use a fork to eat (forget about using a knife), wash and brush her own hair, get herself dressed and undressed, do her homework…all to the constant whine of “My mom always did my homework… My mommy brushes my hair… My mommy used to dress me.” and my personal favorite “My mommy says I don’t have to do anything because I’m a little angel” (Did I mention that she’s almost 9?). I understand that a lot of this is a reaction to her circumstances and the things she’s been through, but a lot of it is just plain old bad parenting. She was never taught to use a fork and knife. She was never expected to dress herself. Mostly, she’s just plain old spoiled rotten. And while I am more than willing to help, what has happened is that I have become the only person who is parenting her because my husband is very little help, even when he is around. He’s afraid to parent her. He doesn’t know HOW to parent her. As soon as she pushed back he gives in. He is still so consumed with guilt over the divorce, her mother, and who knows what that he allows her to walk all over him. We’ve had endless discussions about boundaries and setting rules and how he needs to back me up but ultimately, he doesn’t. To make matters worse I’ve asked him over and over to send A to her grandparents every other weekend (she wants to go and they want her to come) so that I can have a break, so that we can spend some time together but he says “No, I miss her and want to see her.” Of course, he’s usually only around for part of one day, and then I have her for the rest of the time.

It got to the point on Thursday that I called him and told him that if things didn’t change I was going to move back home with my parents after my defense, and finish out my pregnancy there. He reluctantly agreed to send her to his parents next weekend, and for one weekend in March. But 2 weekends away do not a bad situation change. It’s a start, but I’m doubtful. (Have I mentioned that he and I have not had a single night alone since the end of Sept despite multiple unfulfilled promises of babysitters and date nights?)

I recognize that many of these things are the result of the circumstances and aren’t anyone’s fault. And the worst part is that I don’t see any acceptable way out of the situation. Her mother is likely going to prison – for a really long time. So it looks like we (I) have her, 24/7 365, indefinitely. My husband can’t/won’t leave his job, and he has to travel. All the time. Which means soon it’s going to be me, A and 2 infants – alone. All the time. This is not what I want. This is not a situation that I am willing to maintain.

I understand how terrible this all sounds. I understand that it makes me sounds like a bad and selfish person. As my mother told me before I divorced my first husband “Marriage isn’t about love, it’s about commitment. You made your bed, now lie in it.” Maybe I did. I knew he had baggage – an ex and a child. I knew it would be difficult. But I didn’t expect this. I dread going home every day and find any excuse that I can to stay at the office late, or get out of the house (when that’s an option). I lock myself in my closet or in the storage shed just to get a few moments of peace. As soon as my husband gets home from a trip I find any excuse to leave. I know I’m not being as good a parent and role model to her as I used to be, as I could be. To be honest, it is taking everything I have to just exist in the situation right now. The idea that it will go on indefinitely, with no respite, feels untenable and utterly unsustainable. And I don’t see any way out.

Boo-hoo, by mybrokenoven

03 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, Musings

≈ 13 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and that’s because I’m really struggling. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with what’s happened – don’t worry, the babies are fine.

We had our second ultrasound and both babies were measuring exactly on track (7 weeks 3 days) and had HRs of 144 and 153. I found a doctor, or more precisely a group of midwives and doctors, who will take care of my prenatal stuff. I went to my appointment with them and really liked the midwife I saw and the practice.

So, my struggles. This is the hard part, and I have so much to say. And so much of what I have to say makes me feel stupid, and shallow and ungrateful. *sigh*

  • I feel awful. Really really awful. I swore I would never complain about pregnancy because I was always so angry at those women who complained. I wanted to be like “STFU, you’re pregnant. Be grateful.” But the constant nausea and vomiting (10-15x a day) really wears you down in both body and spirit. The doctor finally put me on Zofran because I couldn’t keep anything down. Of course, Zofran has very unpleasant side effects and those are in full force.
  • We just moved. The house is nice, much bigger and brighter and cleaner than our old place but it’s not home. I’m not comfortable here. I keep waking up and wanting to go home, but I’m not sure where home is anymore. It makes me sad. Plus, there’s a ton to do and I have zero energy or inclination to do any of it. Which means DH has done most of it and is very resentful. Gotta love that.
  • My family is far, far away. My mom, dad and sister came out to visit for Christmas, and the day they left I thought my heart would break. I had panic attacks all night. I don’t want to have my babies far away from my family. I don’t want them to only know my extended family (who all live on the same farm where I grew up) from holidays and family reunions. I want to go home. I want to raise my babies at home.
  • We got full custody of my step-daughter and her mother committed herself to a mental hospital after trying to burn her fathers house down (with him inside). No joke. Not a Jerry Springer episode. MY LIFE. So, I’m glad we have her and I’m glad she’s safe but going from no kids to a poorly mannered and somewhat out of control 8 year old with no chance of a break is difficult. Us having her full time with every other weekend visitation to her mom is one thing – this is completely different. She is driving me absolutely nuts. DH doesn’t help the situation because he’s never really been a parent to her and is still in “disney-land dad” mode. She is spoiled and whiney and doesn’t follow rules and he doesn’t help me enforce them. When my sister was here for the holidays she was appalled at her behavior. I try to talk to DH about it but he completely blows me off. Every day I shut myself in my closet and cry because I am so unhappy having her here, which makes me feel like an awful, horrible person. She’s 8 and she’s adjusting fine. I’m 37 and I’m falling apart.
  • Because I am so frustrated with my step-daughter and the situation I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have children at all. Will I resent them? Am I bad person? Will I be a bad mother? How will I manage with 2 infants and this child who doesn’t listen with no help from my husband? I feel like I can’t talk to my husband – he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t understand. And after seeing him full time with my step-daughter I have serious doubts as to his judgement and parenting abilities. And that scares me to death.
  • Financially, things are unstable. Between custody lawyers and IVF we are in serious debt. And I’m graduating and will need a job, but who will hire me when I’m pregnant? And what about after I have the babies? What then?
  • I thought that being an older parent would be helpful – I’ve gotten the partying out of my system, I’m (maybe) more patient, have more life experience. But in reality one of the things I’m struggling with is that I have spent a long time carefully crafting my life. I liked my life – travel, friends, gatherings – freedom. And now I feel like that life is ending forever and I’m panicking. What is WRONG with me? No babies could be more wanted than these babies! I went to hell and back to get these babies! And now that I’m finally pregnant I’m worried about my life ending? Enter the guilt. What is wrong with me? How can I possibly be feeling this way? I know so many people who give anything to have this chance and I’m being selfish and petty and immature!! But I can’t help it. I just…feel like that.

The overall idea, I think, is that I am unhappy and overwhelmed. Too much has changed too quickly and I am not good with change even at the best of times. I don’t know if crazy pregnancy hormones are partially to blame or not, but this isn’t how I thought it would be. I’m not excited, or even hopefully. I’m scared and panicked. And there’s no one to talk to. The infertility community is fantastic! There is so much love and support, so many people who can empathize and understand and commiserate.

There is no “pregnant after infertility” community. Because there’s that angle too – I feel what I can only describe as survivors guilt. I feel guilty that I’m pregnant and other people who have struggled even more than me, aren’t. I don’t want to tell people I’m pregnant because I’m worried one of them may be going through infertility and it may be hurtful to them. I’m scared of losing one or both of the babies. Infertility has made me pessimistic and fearful and I have no outlet for those feelings anymore. And I feel guilty for feeling all of things I listed above. I’m a big, sad, pathetic, scared, panicky, whiny sack. Boo-fucking-hoo, by mybrokenoven.

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

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Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

 

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt.  In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.

FML (NSFW)

18 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF

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*This is a rant. Beware. You ready for some straight up Jerry Springer shit?*

c849e3afa484d2ac27a1fc61f69b46dfMy husband’s alcoholic, drug addicted 41 year old ex-wife is “accidentally” 6 weeks pregnant. By a man she met 8 weeks ago, and has been living with for 6 weeks. We find this out while I’m literally in the stirrups getting my lining checked for my donor egg cycle. Fuck you, universe. FUCK YOU

This is the same woman who told her dad that she hopes his wife of 30 years dies horribly so he can know what pain feels like. The same women who took her 7-year-old child out of school on a Tues morning and took her on a bender that ended with my step-daughter in a sleazy hotel calling 911 and applying pressure to her mother’s head wound until the ambulance came (a bottle of 100 proof vodka after a day of drinking and a handful of Vicodin and Xanax will do that to you. But she “was stressed out” you guys. 3 days in ICU on the taxpayer’s dime – you’re welcome.). This is the same women who told her live-in-boyfriend that if he didn’t do (whatever it was) she would call the police and say he beat her, which she did and he was taken out of his office in hand-cuffs. The charges were dropped and later found to be fraudulent. The same women who hasn’t worked in 13 months because she says she has severe nerve damage in her neck, head, shoulder, arm and hand from her job as an esthetician (because “waxing is hard” you guys). She is currently under investigation for Workers Comp fraud. She was just evicted from her 2rd apartment and is being sued for back rent by her apartment building and by her roommate (whose rent and utility money she spent on a new boob job, face filler injections and her BMW). She and my step-daughter have lived in 12 places in less than 4 years, and as of Dec. 1 they will be homeless (again) because the guy she was living with this time (in a 1 bedroom, 800 sq ft apartment), the one that impregnated her, got kicked out. That’s when she decided to tell him she was pregnant. This is the 19th boyfriend (that we know of) who has been introduced to her current child, in less than 3 years. CPS has been called on her by teachers, 2 different boyfriends, her father and medical personnel, and she has been found guilty by CPS of 4 counts of severe child neglect and endangerment and 3 counts of mild to moderate child abuse, as well as educational neglect for my step-daughters chronic truancy (she was absent from 2nd grade 32% of the time, despite living <1 mi from her school and her mother not working). At our last custody hearing the judge said she would give her another chance, but she had to attend drug and alcohol abuse counseling, psychological counseling, anger management counseling and parenting classes, submit to random drugs tests and she wasn’t allowed to consume alcohol while with her child, or within 12 hours of being with her. AND SHE’S PREGNANT. AT 41.

And here’s me. 37. Psychologically stable and financially competent. Employed every day of my adult life. Masters Degree. Ph.D. Happily married in a stable and loving relationship. Non-smoker, non drug user, occasional drinker. Exercise regularly and a healthy lifestyle. Close with family, lots of friends. Never been arrested, never even had a speeding ticket. NOT PREGNANT.

I mean, come on, universe. I know that life isn’t fair, but this is ridiculous.

And, DH doesn’t get it. He and his mom were on the phone for an hour this morning talking about the crazy ex, her new pregnancy, the living situation… He missed almost all of my lining check because he was on the phone. I told him it upset me and he said “Why? Why does it matter what she does? It doesn’t affect us.” Well, it matters because you’re missing OUR lives to talk about HER life. It matters because what we’re going through is now overshadowed, once again, by her bad choices. I know it’s the mother of his child. That’s part of the reason it bothers me!!! This horrible, hateful, awful woman could give him a child and I can’t! And she didn’t/doesn’t love and cherish either one of them!! And now, after all I’ve done to get pregnant, after all of the tests and pills, and doctors, and bills, and shots and heartaches we still have no baby and SHE’S FUCKING PREGNANT!! If I get pregnant and she keeps the baby, the whole time I’m pregnant it’ll be all about her – what’s she going to do? Where will they live? Is she getting the proper care? Nutrition? Is she drinking? Drugging? Going to Dr. appointments? And if I’m being selfish I don’t care! I have put myself through hell to pregnant, and I don’t want my whole pregnancy (assuming the best) to be overshadowed by her bullshit! For once, I want it to be about me! I want to enjoy, with my husband and family, this time that I have worked so hard for!!

And since I am suddenly emotionally alone in this DE cycle I am going to turn to you guys with my happy news, in order to get a little cheering and support. My lining was perfect. 9 mm. It also had the triple stripe, although the doctor didn’t say that, but I could see it on the monitor. There was an intern in the room and he was explaining things to her and said “Here we go. Look at this – this is the perfect mid-cycle uterus. Perfect 9mm lining, excellent receptivity for implantation.” So, all of the shots and pills and Pom juice and kale and raspberries and fertility yoga have produced the perfect uterine lining. Finally. This is the first and only time I have ever received positive news in the stirrups. The only time my reproductive system has been average, much less excellent. So, yay me. Also our retrieval is tomorrow.

*sigh* Ok, I guess my pity party is over. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me so much, but COME ON! Am I being completely unreasonable, or does this suck as much as I think it does?

 

Some days

21 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by in Infertility and step-kids, Miscarriage

≈ 17 Comments

A year ago today my pregnancy ended.

20 minutes ago I told my my 8 year old step-daughter (who has been in my life for 4+ years) “I love you!”.  She said “Well, I don’t love you. You’re just my dad’s new wife”.

Some days it’s all just too much.  Some days I can’t suck it up, turn the other cheek, ignore it, focus on the positive, be the better person.  Some days it’s just too hard.

Step-children and infertility II

05 Saturday Jan 2013

Posted by in Infertility and step-kids, Musings

≈ 31 Comments

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I’m going to try to be as honest about this as I can, which is going to be hard because it doesn’t cast me in a very good light. I know the things I’m going to say will make me seem selfish and petty. And the truth is there are great parts to being a step-mother, lots and lots of wonderful parts. But so far there are no easy parts to being an infertile step-mother.

First, a little background. I met the girl who would become my step-daughter after her dad and I had been dating for 6 months. She was 4 1/2 then, and she’ll turn 8 this May. I truly do love her. She’s a good kid – bright, sweet, energetic and funny. Her mother has issues with drugs and alcohol and has recently been diagnosed with a (treatable) mental illness. She is very disruptive in our lives on a daily basis, even when we don’t have the child.

We discovered that I have DOR in April, and as of Dec my AMH has fallen to the point where it’s unlikely I’ll ever have children of my own.

Anyway, we have my stepdaughter every weekend as well as every holiday and all summer. Here are the problems –

  1. I know that she isn’t mine. Implicit in that is the fact that she could be removed from my life at any time, and I would have no recourse. To make matters worse her mother tells her things like “You don’t have to listen to her, she’s not your real family.” 
  2. She hasn’t been raised the way  I would raise a child. She is sweet by nature and that’s her saving grace, because she has been spoiled and babied by everyone in her life. When she is with us over the summer we have structure, routine and rules.  However, rules are very difficult to keep when we only have her part-time, when her father is overwhelmed with guilt because of the divorce and thus caves to every demand, and when her mother tells her she “is a precious angel who never should have to lift a finger for her evil step-mother”. (Literally, she said that word for word) *eye roll*
  3. She is a constant reminder of all I want and can’t have, as well as a reminder that another woman (and a very difficult woman) was able to give my husband something that I never will be able to give him.

The first two points I can deal with. We’re working on her behavior (which is not her fault, she’s a child. It’s the fault of the adults in her life) and I’m working hard to build a relationship with her that will endure regardless. But I can’t get past point 3.

Some days are fine. And there are some days when I’m really low and feeling beaten down by the whole infertility process and I just can’t be around her. I see her and I’m angry and jealous and envious and sad. I’m angry because my husband doesn’t fully understand how hard it is for me because, as he says when he’s trying to comfort me, “He already has A”. I’m jealous that this hateful, mean, spiteful woman was able to have a child and I can’t. And she doesn’t nurture her, or protect her, or set a good example for her. She exposes her to dangerous people and situations. She uses her as a bargaining chip – self proclaimed “leverage” both with us and with all other involved parties (grandparents, aunts, etc). And I’m angry at myself, because here is a child in my life (and all I want is a child) and I can’t just be grateful. I want her to be enough, and she’s not. And that makes me feel like a terrible person. A hateful, mean, bitter person.

I do my best to never, by word or deed, let her know how I feel. I try to be understanding about my husbands guilt, her mother’s mental illness, the difficult situation we are all in. I try to be a good example, a good influence, a positive force in her life. I try to be gentle with myself – to allow myself the bad feelings for a time and then put them aside. And it wears me out. The honest to god truth, and perhaps the moral of this story, is that it is very difficult to care for someone else’s child when you’re mourning the loss of your own.

 

Infertility and step-kids

03 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by in Infertility and step-kids, Musings

≈ 3 Comments

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So, my step-daughter (who I truly love) is with us for the weekend. Not unusual (we have her 50% of the time) but it’s the first time I’ve been around her since we were told I wouldn’t be able to have children. I’m finding it surprisingly painful and difficult. Am I a terrible person? Anybody else out there with step-kids that has any advice? 

*More later – gotta go do bath time.