I’ve made a few decisions.

1. I don’t want to cycle at CCRM. They’re great and all and we’re going to finish out all of the testing that they advised and take the supplements but it’s too expensive, too far away and our chances (even with them) are just too slim.
2. I’m going to cycle one last time with my RE here. She has advised against it, but reluctantly said she’d do it if we were set on it. I’m going to set up a meeting with her later this month to discuss it further and to discuss the possibility of using my sisters eggs. I feel like I need to do one more cycle using my OE. Maybe because the last time it worked, maybe because I’m stubborn, but I think I need to do it for my own peace of mind.
3. I’m going to ask my sister to start moving forward with all of the tests that she would need to be an egg donor. I’m secretly concerned that she may also have DOR (both for her sake and for ours) and so I don’t want to absolutely get my heart set on her DE as an option. She could also change her mind, and I would completely understand. I would be a little crushed, but I would understand.

I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about DE, and I worry most about the effect that it would have on her. IVF is a painful, long and invasive process, and I hate to think about her having to go through it. I also worry about the long-term emotional ramifications. I’m pretty sure that I know how I feel about it, and S has been on-board from the beginning but I worry about how she would feel in the long-term. It’s a complex, confusing and emotional process.

I don’t know if I would consider DE if they weren’t from my sister – that genetic link is critically important to me (as it turns out). What if the baby looked like my sister and not like me? I could live with looking down at my baby and seeing my sister’s eyes, trust me. But could she?

I read something this morning that has fortified my resolve. Someone said “The donor provides the blueprint, but you build the house.” I like that.