Tag Archives: donor egg

No, he doesn’t actually look like me.

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Donor Eggs, Musings, Uncategorized

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I rarely think about the boys being the result of gamete donation. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind, kind of like the never-ending piles of laundry are always on my mind, but not in any real way. And I’ve even started talking with people outside of my immediate friend group about their unique conception history. Progress! After all, they say when you can tell your story without tears you have healed.

And then out of left field – BAM!!!

My sister is pregnant again, naturally and unexpected. I’m thrilled for her, in the way you can only be thrilled for your sister. And I am unbelievably jealous of her, in the way you can only be jealous of your sister. She has the same diagnosis as me and she’s the same age I was when I started infertility treatments. And she’s pregnant. AGAIN.

I would never wish what I went through on anyone, especially my baby sister. But COME ON LIFE! Really? *sigh*

And then, she randomly sends me a picture of her at 16 months next to a picture of her 16 month old (naturally conceived) bio baby so that I can compare how much they look alike. I burst in to tears right there waiting for the bus at the park and ride. Couldn’t even try to hide it. Just sudden, huge, overwhelming sobs. (And I couldn’t go hide in my car and take a later bus. I had to stand there, sobbing, waiting for the last bus of the morning. I’m sure everyone at the bus stop thinks I’m completely nuts). Because I can’t do that. I can’t compare myself with my boys. There’s no point.

It’s such a natural human instinct to look for ourselves in our children. To search for the continuity of our genes through time. Maybe it’s hubris or vanity. But to me, the one who can’t ever see myself reflected in my child’s eyes, it seems like looking for yourself in the face of god. To see yourself in this tiny perfect being – to be privy to the melding of you and your mate – it seems like a miracle. And it’s those little things that are hard.

The big things are easy. I love my little guys. All day long, every day, strong and true. Unconditionally. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am proud of my boys and happy and grateful to be their mama. But every time a stranger in the grocery store says “Oh how sweet, this one looks just like you! And this one must look like his daddy”, I think, “The joke’s on you lady! He doesn’t actually look like me at all” and then I have to smile and walk away quickly before the sense of loss brings tears to my eyes.

I think these feelings will start to fade too, eventually. And maybe one day that spot in my heart won’t be so sore. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some things can only be carried, but as my strength grows the burden feels less heavy. And in the meantime I will bask in the miracles that are my children, and thank the powers that be that I was strong enough and brave enough to do what was needed to bring them into this world.

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I am legion

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, fear, pregnant after infertility

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No offense intended to anyone with religious leanings, but now that my body very clearly contains 3 separate people with their own personalities, thoughts (and especially) sleep schedules the title just seems to fit.

I’ve been strangely “unbusy”. I find that I can lay for hours on the couch in a semi-awake daze – something my overactive brain has never once in my entire life allowed me to do. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things that need doing, I just have ZERO drive or motivation to do any of them. My baby brain is bad. I didn’t do anything – work, manuscript writing, housework – last week. I just….couldn’t. I would open a document to start working, have a contraction, lay down and then go to sleep. Wake up, eat, watch soccer, remember I was supposed to be working and lay down again. This is totally unlike me.

I’ve physically gotten to the point where I make other people visibly uncomfortable. Even the saleslady at Motherhood told me to go home and stay home when I went in to get measured for nursing bras. So, the only time I’ve really been out the house for the last week or two has been to go to child birthing classes. I went to a breastfeeding class and a birthing center tour at the hospital where I’ll deliver, and the last 2 Sat.’s we went to birthing classes – one at the hospital and one at a local birthing center. BTW, I highly recommend taking those kinds of classes. Even my husband agreed that they were useful and says he feels much more confident now. At the “hippie-dippie” natural birthing class (as my husband called it) I just jumped right in during introductions and told them that I was pregnant with fraternal twins as a result of egg donation. The teacher and one of the other ladies then both said they had (or were having) children as a result of IVF. During the break several couples came up to us and asked very good and thoughtful questions about how we arrived at that decision and what the process was like. And, of course, everyone had a story about a sister/friend/aunt/cousin who was infertile and how hard their struggle was. Granted, this was by its very nature a supportive environment, but I was quite pleased that my first foray into “telling strangers” went so well.

Anyway, the babies are really big and I am super uncomfortable. They’re also very active which is great, but they’ve actually split my abdominal muscles in 3 places from all of their squirming, which isn’t so great. The nursery is finished (I think) and we have just about everything ready to go. My bags are packed for the hospital. My birth plan is ready. Now all we have to do it hope and pray that Baby A will turn head down so that I can at least TRY to implement my birth plan. I really want to try and do this “pioneer style” – no meds at all, completely naturally if possible. I know people think I’m crazy, and it may end up (for any number of reasons) that this won’t happen, but I feel like the whole conception process, as grateful as I am for it, was so medically orchestrated and outside of me that I want this to be just me. Me and my husband and our babies. I want to feel it all. Maybe I’m looking for some extra legitimacy – some additional “I carried you and birthed you and I am your mother” fodder for down the road, I don’t know. I just feel strongly that I at least want to try. I want to prove to myself that my body isn’t broken. I felt for so long like I was defective, like less of a woman, because I couldn’t get pregnant. Now that I’ve watched my body grow these babies I want to, once and for all, wipe away those feelings of defectiveness and feel powerful. I want to prove to myself (and to my boys and my husband) that just because I couldn’t do one little thing (like produce a viable egg) doesn’t mean I am any less of a mother or a woman. Wow. Writing that down it becomes clear to me that the only person I need to prove that to is myself. Huh.

Here’s the latest bump picture – my mom says I look like a mongrel dog with the big belly and the protruding ribs (not as visible in this picture as in real life). hahaha! I swear, I’m eating constantly, but these little fellas are just sucking it out of me. I’ve currently gained just shy of 50 lbs, so I’m on track for weight gain, I’m just ALL BABIES.

 

Gift for our egg donor

17 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

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Hand painted card for our donor

Hand painted card for our donor

Our donors egg retrieval is coming up (either Tues or Wed, depending on how her follicles look today) so it was time to put her gift basket together. I wanted it to be elegant, put together, thoughtful, sweet…. Nope, that’s just not how I roll! In the end though, I think it reflects me in all of my silly, crazy but well-intentioned glory. Frankly, I put in the things that I wanted after my egg retrieval, and then some other stuff just ’cause. In the end, this is what went in…

  1. The basket, obviously, with a silly flower wrapped around the handle (she has a small child, so I thought the silly stuff would be appreciated).
  2. Thanksgiving/fall themed kitchen towels as a liner, because tis the season.
  3. Super fluffy warm soft socks.
  4. A pumpkin scented candle.
  5. Relaxation tea.
  6. A jar filled with beauty stuff – nail polish, lotion, shower gel, eye mask, silly frog loofa, etc.
  7. A stuffed animal for her little boy.
  8. The Willow Tree “Thank You” angel.
  9. Chocolate! And chocolate chip cookies, Gatorade and Applesauce.
  10. And finally, a card that one of my closest friends painted for the donor. I’ve spent the last few nights mulling over what to say in it, and finally wrote it this morning.

Here’s what I said, more or less…

Words can never truly express how grateful we are for what you have done.  We know what a commitment it is to go through the grueling process of injections and monitoring, and we understand all that you’ve had to endure to help us start our family. For several long years we have gone through one failed IVF cycle after another, desperately trying to have a baby.  When we learned last Christmas that my ovaries had failed to the point where we could no longer use my eggs, my little sister offered to donate her eggs to us. Tragically, during the donor testing, ARMS discovered that she also has Diminished Ovarian Reserve and may never have children of her own. It seemed that our dream of holding our baby in our arms was slipping away.  And then came you! You have given us the chance to become the parents that we know in our hearts we are meant to be.  You are our angel of hope and grace, and although we can never repay your kindness and generosity, please know that we acknowledge how truly wonderful and special you are.  Regardless of the outcome of this cycle, we cannot thank you enough for your selflessness. If we are lucky enough to have children as a result of your gift I know we will think of you often with love, wonder and appreciation. You will always have a special place in our hearts. Gratefully, the hopefully mom and dad to be

On the back – *Here are a few little things to help you relax after the retrieval. There is also an angel for you. Whenever you look at her, remember that you are our angel and that you are appreciated!

I’ve added some pictures of the basket and card. Let me know what you think, especially if you think we should add anything. We have a few days to make changes!

Gift basket for our egg donor

Gift basket for our egg donor

Some luck at last?

20 Saturday Jul 2013

Posted by in Donor Eggs

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In my last post I said “I guess that means frozen eggs are out unless by some miracle a reddish haired, medium height, green-eyed donor who explicitly wants an open donation pops up on Donor Egg Bank. It could happen, right? Based on my track record with infertility…my magic 8 ball says “Not likely”.”

Well, a strawberry-blonde, medium height, blue-eyed donor showed up today on Donor Egg Bank. She’s cute, funny, and likes science (!). Good medical history, good health, repeat donor. Her reasons for donating aren’t my favorite, but whaddyagonnado? I checked 4 different times during the day waiting for her to disappear like some sort of frozen golden egg mirage, but she’s still there. I’ve emailed the nurse in charge of donor issues and asked if we can find out if she’s open to possible future contact. I’m afraid to hope, but surprisingly (to me) I’m mainly just excited. Excited that we might be able to get a donor (who meets our criteria) without wiping out our finances for the foreseeable future. Excited that I could (unlikely but possible) be pregnant  this fall. Excited to be excited instead of just sad, or angry or mopey.

Also, I want to say thank you for all of the thoughtful, helpful, wonderful comments and responses to my posts. This has been (and continues to be) a frightening and lonely journey, and you all are my light in the darkness. I feel heard, supported and understood. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks, internet friends!!

Thanks, internet friends!!

Decisions decisions

03 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by in CCRM, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs

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I’ve made a few decisions.

  1. I don’t want to cycle at CCRM. They’re great and all and we’re going to finish out all of the testing that they advised and take the supplements but it’s too expensive, too far away and our chances (even with them) are just too slim.
  2. I’m going to cycle one last time with my RE here. She has advised against it, but reluctantly said she’d do it if we were set on it. I’m going to set up a meeting with her later this month to discuss it further and to discuss the possibility of using my sisters eggs. I feel like I need to do one more cycle using my OE. Maybe because the last time it worked, maybe because I’m stubborn, but I think I need to do it for my own peace of mind.
  3. I’m going to ask my sister to start moving forward with all of the tests that she would need to be an egg donor. I’m secretly concerned that she may also have DOR (both for her sake and for ours) and so I don’t want to absolutely get my heart set on her DE as an option. She could also change her mind, and I would completely understand. I would be a little crushed, but I would understand.

I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about DE, and I worry most about the effect that it would have on her. IVF is a painful, long and invasive process, and I hate to think about her having to go through it. I also worry about the long-term emotional ramifications. I’m pretty sure that I know how I feel about it, and S has been on-board from the beginning but I worry about how she would feel in the long-term. It’s a complex, confusing and emotional process.

I don’t know if I would consider DE if they weren’t from my sister – that genetic link is critically important to me (as it turns out). What if the baby looked like my sister and not like me? I could live with looking down at my baby and seeing my sister’s eyes, trust me. But could she?

I read something this morning that has fortified my resolve. Someone said “The donor provides the blueprint, but you build the house.” I like that.