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Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Hope is something you pee on

Tag Archives: donor egg twins

It’s worth it

31 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, twins, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins, is IVF worth it, kids, twin

Sitting with my boys on my lap this morning I had a revelation – these people, these tiny human beings, only exist because I persisted. There were so many days I wanted to give up. There were so many times that I doubted my choices and questioned my path. There were so many hard choices that I made. If I had done things differently – if my courage had faltered, if my family hadn’t supported me, if my doctor had given up on me – these two amazing people wouldn’t exist.

Friends, it’s worth it. It’s so hard but it’s so worth it.

14102719_10154695046052780_4517789827874364943_n

 

No, he doesn’t actually look like me.

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Musings, Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

donor egg, donor egg twins, epigentics, genes, Infertility, sisters, twins

I rarely think about the boys being the result of gamete donation. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind, kind of like the never-ending piles of laundry are always on my mind, but not in any real way. And I’ve even started talking with people outside of my immediate friend group about their unique conception history. Progress! After all, they say when you can tell your story without tears you have healed.

And then out of left field – BAM!!!

My sister is pregnant again, naturally and unexpected. I’m thrilled for her, in the way you can only be thrilled for your sister. And I am unbelievably jealous of her, in the way you can only be jealous of your sister. She has the same diagnosis as me and she’s the same age I was when I started infertility treatments. And she’s pregnant. AGAIN.

I would never wish what I went through on anyone, especially my baby sister. But COME ON LIFE! Really? *sigh*

And then, she randomly sends me a picture of her at 16 months next to a picture of her 16 month old (naturally conceived) bio baby so that I can compare how much they look alike. I burst in to tears right there waiting for the bus at the park and ride. Couldn’t even try to hide it. Just sudden, huge, overwhelming sobs. (And I couldn’t go hide in my car and take a later bus. I had to stand there, sobbing, waiting for the last bus of the morning. I’m sure everyone at the bus stop thinks I’m completely nuts). Because I can’t do that. I can’t compare myself with my boys. There’s no point.

It’s such a natural human instinct to look for ourselves in our children. To search for the continuity of our genes through time. Maybe it’s hubris or vanity. But to me, the one who can’t ever see myself reflected in my child’s eyes, it seems like looking for yourself in the face of god. To see yourself in this tiny perfect being – to be privy to the melding of you and your mate – it seems like a miracle. And it’s those little things that are hard.

The big things are easy. I love my little guys. All day long, every day, strong and true. Unconditionally. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am proud of my boys and happy and grateful to be their mama. But every time a stranger in the grocery store says “Oh how sweet, this one looks just like you! And this one must look like his daddy”, I think, “The joke’s on you lady! He doesn’t actually look like me at all” and then I have to smile and walk away quickly before the sense of loss brings tears to my eyes.

I think these feelings will start to fade too, eventually. And maybe one day that spot in my heart won’t be so sore. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some things can only be carried, but as my strength grows the burden feels less heavy. And in the meantime I will bask in the miracles that are my children, and thank the powers that be that I was strong enough and brave enough to do what was needed to bring them into this world.

Chubby babies!

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, pregnant after infertility

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins

Just got our wellness check. Each baby weighs 6 lbs 3 oz (!) and looks healthy – good heart rates and both are practicing breathing which is a good sign for lung development. Both are still breech, chilling with their heads together under my right ribcage and their butts in my pelvis. I’m 48″ around, no sign of gestational diabetes and my blood pressure is 112/68, but that will be increasing dramatically if these fat, wiggly babies don’t vacate sometime in the near future. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks. 6 days til 36 weeks….(and at that point we’ve probably avoided the NICU). Grow babies grow!! And then come out and meet your family. We’re ready for you!!

This is all about babies

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by mybrokenoven in Donor Eggs, Pregnancy, pregnant after infertility, Results

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

12 weeks 1 day, baby bunp, bump photos, donor egg twins, twin bump picture, twins

I have been remiss in posting baby and bump pictures (mainly because of a malfunctioning phone) but I’m going to remedy that now! Also, we got the results of our NT scan back from the perinatologist and she said that they couldn’t be better. The babies are exactly on track and have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of Down’s syndrome, Trisomy-13 or Trisomy-18.

5.5 weeks

5.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

8.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

10.5 weeks

11 weeks

11 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

13.5 weeks

Baby A

Baby A at 12 weeks 1 day

Baby B

Baby B at 12 weeks 1 day

Our Facebook announcement

Our Facebook announcement

14 weeks
14 weeks

 

Drum roll please…

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Results

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

donor egg twins, early heartbeat, fetal heartbeat, twins, ultrasound 5 weeks 6 days

2 babies with 2 heart beats!!! I am over the moon!!

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality - I'll post better later)

2 babies with 2 heartbeats at 5 weeks 6 days (sorry for the picture quality – I’ll post better later)

We went in for the ultrasound and DH was so nervous he was on the verge of tears. I thought he was going to punch the doctor as he was making small talk about his weekend, and us moving to a new house and the holidays blahblahblah. As I’ve been non-stop nauseous with occasional vomiting and extreme exhaustion I was less nervous and more excited. I told the doctor I thought there were 2 and I knew where they were in my uterus. He scoffed at me but I showed him anyway. Anyway, in goes the dildocam and immediately we could see the 2 sacs (right where I said they’d be, by the way). The first thing the doctor said was “Well, I’m glad you got a bigger house.” Yolks both measuring 4 mm, Baby B slightly smaller than Baby A – Baby A exactly on track at 5 weeks 6 days. And then…then…the flickers. I could only see it for a split second because that was the moment where I lost my shit and started sobbing on the table. Their tiny little hearts were beating. DH got a little misty eyed too, and he’s a straight up stoic kinda man’s man.

So, Baby A’s heart rate is 98 and Baby B’s is 88. I was concerned about Baby B’s being so much slower but the doctor said that seeing any heartbeat this early is excellent – he’s doesn’t expect to see them until 6 weeks 2-3 days. Plus, I know when both babies implanted (I know I sound nuts, but I felt it) and Baby B implanted 14-16 hours later than Baby A. So, to me it makes sense that he’d be a little behind. We go back in for another ultrasound on Dec. 27 and then I graduate to a real Ob-Gyn. (Which I haven’t picked yet – I get most of my medical care through the university, so I don’t have a regular Ob like most folks).

Also, it’s my dad’s birthday and I knew he and my mom were going crazy waiting to hear. So I made up a little birthday song (which he was quite annoyed with until I got to the end) – “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Grandpa Dean, the number of babies is ……….. 2!”  Then there was a lot of whooping and hollering and hooting. As it turns out my dad had been with a patient (he’s an eye doctor, my mom and my best friends mom are his office staff since they retired) and they had all run in to his office to hear the news when they saw it was me calling. And as it turns out the patient was my third grade teacher, so that’s kinda cool (I told you I’m from a small town, right?).

I can’t even believe it. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and lord knows I’ve had my heart broken right along with friends who have lost pregnancies after seeing the heartbeat (my heart is still breaking for you Unexpected), but it’s one more hurdle closer to the goal.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support – it’s such a wonderful feeling to have people to share this with (since we’re not telling anyone outside of family and close friends and apparently elementary school teachers). Ya’ll rock my world!

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