Category Archives: 2WW

Beta #3 – 3722!!!

08 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Betas, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

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I can’t thank you all enough for your support! Seriously, I’ve been losing it, and y’all have been beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank. Thank you for pulling me through. As much as family and friends offer love and support no one really knows what it’s like to be in these situations, and how difficult it is – how difficult the whole infertility thing can be. And you guys get it. Your opinions and support are invaluable to me.

When the Doctor called and told me the new number and said he was totally baffled by the second beta. I asked him what it could be and he said he had no idea but that everything looked great and I shouldn’t worry. He said I don’t need another beta, and I go in for an ultrasound after I get back from my conference.

What do you guys think? Lab error? Something went wrong and corrected itself? Vanishing twin? Here are the betas –

  • 8 AM 9dp5dt – 586
  • 8 AM 11dp5dt – 697 (doubling time 191 hours)
  • 8 AM 13dp5dt – 3372 (doubling time 19 hors)

Well, whatever the reason – I’ll take it!

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The Great Pee Project

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in 2WW, IVF, Results

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hideBecause of my early loss last year everyone is very on-edge about this pregnancy, including my mother. Now this woman is usually the picture of optimism and thriftiness, but she told me to go out and buy enough pregnancy tests to test every morning and night until my beta. As a POAS junkie I was happy to oblige. I call her with the results every morning and night and can hear the relief in her voice when the lines are darker. Often, she asks for pictures, just to ease her mind. Thus, I have pictures! So, I thought I would share the Great Pee Project with all of you. You’re welcome, as I know you long to look at things I’ve urinated on. *HA*

Keep in mind, some of these were taken with FMU, some at mid-day and some at night and the concentration of the urine plays a big part in how dark the line is. Also, many of these photos were taken well after the time period was up (obviously) and so they can seem a bit darker or lighter then they were during the 3-5 minutes (especially the blue dye tests, which get lighter and Dollar Store tests, which get darker).  *The FRER’s that are linked will take you to Amazon where you can purchase these tests. This is an amazon affiliate link, and I get paid a little bit of money if you buy from them. That being said, you may be able to find them cheaper elsewhere, so shop around. Regardless of where you get them, these were the best tests I found. Although you can’t beat the Dollar Store tests for price!*

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER (FMU). The 4 day one has faded some.

Comparison (left to right) of Assure from the Dollar Store, CVS Early Response and FRER. FRER is from FMU, $ Store at noon, CVS at bedtime on 5dp5dt

Comparison (left to right) of Assure from the Dollar Store, CVS Early Response and FRER. FRER is from FMU, $ Store at noon, CVS at bedtime on 5dp5dt

FRER (FMU) and Dollar Store test (mid-day) on 6dp5dt

FRER (FMU) and Dollar Store test (mid-day) on 6dp5dt

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests, FMU

Assured Brand Dollar Store tests taken either at mid-day or before bed, 3-8dpt

Assured Brand Dollar Store tests taken either at mid-day or before bed, 4-8dpt

Symptoms – ’cause I got ’em

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Donor Eggs, IVF, Results

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At 10:30 AM on Nov 24th they transferred 2 5AA blasts in to my broken oven (get it? get it?). Although I guess really my oven is fine, it’s my eggs that are broken…  I know some of you are going to think I’m crazy, but I swear I felt implantation and I’ve been pretty convinced since then that this cycle worked. Anyways, here are my “symptoms” broken down by day (I’ve been keeping a journal).

  • 0dpt – At 5:30 PM I felt a strong pinching on the lower left side of my uterus which continued, on and off, for the rest of the night. 80% sure this cycle is a go. (*Side note – one thing IF teaches you is exactly where your uterus and ovaries are)
  • 1dpt – Continued pinching and slight cramping at the same spot in my abdomen as well as 2-3 minutes of pinching in the upper right area of my uterus. I am convinced now that this is implantation. In the PM I start to develop stronger cramps (not in a specific location). 90% certain this is working.
  • 2dpt – Hard to get out of bed, very tired even after 9 hours of sleep. In the shower my wrist brushed my right nipple and I gasped with shock b/c it was so sensitive, totally surprised myself (and left one was normal, wth?). Wasn’t on the look out for symptoms so this shocked me. In the afternoon I had no increased sensitivity in my nips. Continued cramping on the lower left in particular and the whole lower abdominal area in general. By 5 PM my lower abdomen felt  heavy and full, like it does in the hours before AF starts.  All day I felt weird and “floaty”, but the progesterone (Endometrin and lozenges) makes me tired and kind of out of it so this may be nothing. However, I’ve been on progesterone for almost a week and haven’t felt this way before. I pee’d on an OPK, just because I had it in my desk at work (who the hell knows why?) and because I like to pee on sticks. It was, of course, negative. (But I still enjoyed it). I “feel” pregnant today. 100% sure of this cycle being the one.
  • 3dpt – AM – Nothing. No symptoms. No cramping, no “floaty” feeling, a little bit of a heavy tummy, but not nearly so much as yesterday. A few tiny cramps in the mid-afternoon, and a bit of backache (but that’s not unusual). Because I’m a crazy baby lunatic who can’t think of anything but my uterus I pee’d on a stick at 12:30, which was of course a BFN. Didn’t actually dampen my spirits at all as 99.8% of me knew it would be BFN. By 6 PM the heavy lower tummy feeling was back along with cramping and lower back ache. I am exhausted (but I also have all of my in-laws staying at my house and have been cooking and cleaning all day). Also, constipated. Because I’m gross and crazy and a POAS junkie I looked at the old test before I went to bed and there was the very faintest whisper of a second line. So, I got out a Dollar Store test and got a BFN. Still, I’m 90% positive I’m pregnant.
  • 4dpt – I woke up at 4:00 AM with what felt like a side stitch on the left side of my lower abdomen. Had a backache and was crampy all night. Sat on DH’s lap right after he ate some pizza at lunch, and his breath smelled so bad/strong I ran into the bathroom gagging. Since I was in there anyway I pee’d on a stick (FRER*) and within a minute there was a faint but clear BFP (below)!! Still no boob symptoms (soreness, veins, sensitivity, etc), no metallic taste. I have bad AF type cramping and a backache and I’m am SUPER irritable, which is weird because I’m also super happy. But seriously, everyone is annoying the crap out of me. Starting to feel bloated, still constipated (you’re welcome!). Pee’d on a Dollar Store test at 8 PM and got a very faint positive. As I was going to bed I got tingly nips.
  • 5dpt – Had a hard time sleeping last night because of the backache (but that’s not too unusual for me – stupid tight hamstrings). Pee’d on a FRER this morning at 8 AM (FMU) and and the line is twice as dark as it was yesterday (!). Below is the light FRER from 4dp5dt at 11 AM, and the FRER from 5dp5dt at 8 AM (FMU). Same symptoms continue – mainly cramping. In the early evening I got REALLY dizzy. I feel like the sensitivity of my skin has increased because my face wash burns, but that may just be my imagination. Got a positive on a $ Store test and a CVS Early Response (mid-day and PM).
  • 6dp5dt – Lines are getting darker!! Still a little crampy, full feeling abdomen, backache. Super nauseous for a few minutes.
4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, 6dp6dt with FRER. The 4 day one has faded some.

  • 7dp5dt – Ran out of FRER’s. Dark positive on a CVS One Step with FMU. Backache and crampy. Still no boob-type symptoms or food aversions. Looked at a calendar and realized my beta is on Tues, not Mon! Grrrrr…..
  • 8dpt – Not much to report. Cramping is almost gone except for occasional twinges, backaches still lingers. I’m getting episodes of mild nausea, especially if my stomach is empty but food is terribly unappetizing. Tests keep getting darker. I’ve included a picture from this morning of a Dollar Store Assure Brand test and a CVS Early Response, both done with the same FMU. The CVS test I took 2 days ago was very light (never get the blue dye tests) so the dark line on that is particularly satisfying.
8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

8dp5dt, CVS Early Response and Assure Dollar Store tests

I have endlessly googled early pregnancy symptoms so I’ll just keep adding to this same post until the day of my beta (which is Monday  – 9dp5dt), so that I can repay the favor for those of you looking for symptoms.

I know cautious optimism is called for here, but I feel really confident about this “Squatchy-ness”. My symptoms have been strong the whole time and implantation happened early. The dark lines up there make me feel better. I think Tues (beta day) is going to be a good day!

*I have linked to the First Response Early Result tests that I used on Amazon. This is an affiliate link, which means that if you buy from them I get a little $. However, you may be able to find them cheaper elsewhere so please shop around. Regardless, the FRER tests were the best in terms of sensitivity, although you can’t beat the Dollar Store brand for price! (And they were reliable as well).

 

I found Bigfoot!! BFP!!!

29 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Donor Eggs, Results

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It’s still light, but it is crystal clear.

I tested yesterday at 1 PM (I know, I know) and it was BFN. But as I was getting ready for bed I glanced over at the counter where I had laid the HPT and there was a whisper faint “you can see it in the right light if you turn your head and squint maybe” second line. I know better than to make too much of that but it was still…interesting, especially at 3dp5dt.

Today (4dp5dt) after lunch I was sitting on my husbands lap and the smell of pizza on his breath was so strong and awful (sorry baby, not your fault) that I ran into the bathroom gagging. Poor DH! Decided that was as good a time as any to POAS, and the double line came up within a minute. Let’s pray that line keeps getting darker!

 

Feeling squatchy

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Donor Eggs

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My brother-in-law is obsessed with Bigfoot (I promise this is going somewhere). We get him Bigfoot everything – statues, t-shirts, hats, movies. He will take his 2 young sons out “Squatch hunting” for the weekend. Really, it’s an excuse to get to them to go out camping. And the obsession, I think, is his way of trying to embrace the idea of something wild and unknowable. He likes the idea that there’s something out there that we don’t know about, something elusive and hard to find, something that may not even exist. A few nights ago S and A and I were watching “Finding Bigfoot” and S asked me if I was “feeling squatchy”. I laughed, because I knew exactly what he meant.

“Pregnant” in our house has intense meaning. It’s associated with loss, and fear and sadness. It comes with phrases like “You’ll never be able to get pregnant with your own eggs”, and “You’re technically pregnant, but you’re going to loss it soon.” So now we’ve moved on to “squatchy”. The idea being that we’re on the pursuit of something elusive, something hard to find and even more difficult to catch. I like it. I like the whimsy of it, and the silliness. And I do, I feel squatchy.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, my dears. Happy Squatch hunting.

*In other news, we got emergency custody of my step-daughter with a hearing for a permanent custody change next week. Our lawyer thinks we’ll get her.

 

 

 

 

Embryo Transfer

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Donor Eggs, Infertility and step-kids, IVF, Results

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Yesterday I had my embryo transfer and it went better than I could have possibly imagined!

My step-daughter is in town so she and DH dropped me off at the clinic and went GeoCaching. It sucks that he wasn’t there for the transfer but it would have been really boring for her, and we don’t want to tell her what’s going on. Right now we just say that I have something wrong with my tummy, it doesn’t work quite right, and the doctors are trying to fix it.

Anyway, I got my acupuncture (the needles in the ears hurt like a mofo!!) and then they sent me into the operating room and sat me in that weird “hang upside down by your feet with your legs spread” contraption. As I was getting settled the doctor said,

Dr: “I have some good news, but we have to talk. 5 of your 6 embryos made it blastocysts (!!!), and 2 of them are perfect 5AA blasts. You and S had mentioned that you want to transfer 2. I need to warn you that these embryos are of excellent quality, and if you transfer 2 you have a very good chance of getting pregnant with twins. A good chance like 55%. Is that still what you’d like to do?”

Me: …..Valium stare…..

Dr: “I would advise that you transfer 1, but I understand if you want to transfer 2. But I need to know that you understand the risks that we previously discussed.”

Me: “2. Yes. We want 2. The path of least regret for us is 2.”

Dr. “Ok.2 it is.”

Then the embryologist comes out and tells me that in addition to the 2 perfect little guys who are already hatching and are going into the oven today we also have 2 4BB embryos and an early blast that they think will progress nicely and be frozen along with its siblings. So, 2 go in and 3 go on ice!!

My bladder wasn’t quite full enough (easy for them to say) so the transfer took a while, but I finally saw the 2 little dots of light on the ultrasound go into my uterus and settle in. I can tell you as a fact that I once worried that I wouldn’t feel like donor eggs would be mine – that the children wouldn’t feel like mine – but I felt every bit as protective and excited about those little dots of light as I did when they were from my own eggs. The only difference is that this was tinged with an almost overwhelming gratitude for our donor, who made this possible. If anything, it added to the feeling of wonder.

They wheeled me out and then I had more acupuncture (ouchie ears!!!) and then home for a Valium induced sleep.

I am still tired today, and my stomach is upset from the antibiotics and all the other meds, but I am over the moon!! 2 in the oven and 2-3 as a back up!! Better than I could have ever expected! I’ve included a photo below of our 2 5AA hatching blasts. Sorry for the quality – it’s a phone picture of print out so whaddyagonnado?

 

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Our 5AA hatching blastocysts, currently in the oven.

Because I’m a POAS addict, and because we have a back-up plan and because I live right next to a Dollar Store I’ve decided to start testing on my own pretty early, probably 3dp5dt, PM. I feel like with hatching blasts people usually get a BFP (if they’re going to get it) starting around 5-6dp5dt.  In the meantime, I’m just going to try to relax and stay off the internet (yeah, right).

*On a different note – we’ve filed an emergency custody order to get my step-daughter away from her pregnant druggy mom who (3 days ago) threatened suicide, again. We have her for the whole week of Thanksgiving so it’s likely she just won’t go home again (of course, her mother is currently homeless so she doesn’t actually have a home to go back to). We could go from 0 kids to 3 kids in 3 weeks! Wouldn’t that be something.

Clomid update. No nothing

11 Tuesday Dec 2012

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I was at that conference all week so I for the first time ever I didn’t symptom spot. I’m making up for lost time now! The problem is that I don’t have any symptoms. Not one. Let’s start at the beginning…

On 5dpo I started having implantation cramping – at least I think that’s what it was. It felt exactly like it did when I got pregnant. Pinchy, weirdness in my uterus (and of course after all of the IVF stuff know EXACTLY where my uterus is). It lasted for 36 hours, on and off. Just when I had convinced myself I made it up it came back. For the next 3-4 days I had a serious increase in discharge, the same kind of amounts as during EWCM but not that consistency (TMI, sorry). And a very sore back, but then again standing and walking for 13 hours a day in heels will do that to a girl. And since then…nada.

I broke down and POAS on a FRER at 9dpo (PM) and again at 11dpo (FMU) and both were BFN. Now I’m 14dpo (AM) and no AF. And no period symptoms. I’m moody, but that seems to be pretty standard these days. No sore breasts, no bloating, nothing. NOTHING. I assume the Clomid (plus multiple rounds of hostile take-over of my reproductive system) have me completely out of whack.

Strangely, (for the first time ever) my passion for POAS is gone. I’m not interested. I’m so sick of seeing one line on a snow white background. ‘Cause I know I’m not pregnant. Last time (for a brief time) I felt pregnant. I don’t feel pregnant. And the odds of getting pregnant from Clomid after all the IVF stuff seem laughable. Despite what felt like implantation cramps I just don’t think it’s possible.

S has to go pick up a prescription at the drugstore this morning so he’s going to drop me off at work.  I guess I’ll pick up some tests while we’re there, and I know once I have them I’ll pee on them. Hope is something you pee on…

 

 

And so begins the 2WW…again.

30 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in 2WW, Clomid

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Went in to the RE yesterday so they could check my follicular development and decide when to trigger and do the IUI. I did the usual routine – go in, take my pants off, don the paper sheet, lay down on the table, put my legs in the stirrups. In goes the dildocam, up goes my blood pressure…

No follicles on the right. Not a huge surprise as my right ovary seems to be the slacker. The doctor moves over to the left ovary and then is quiet for a while. Then she points out a shape on the screen and tells me that there’s something odd – it doesn’t look quite like a follicle but it doesn’t look quite like a corpus luteum (the follicle after ovulation) either. And look, she says, there’s another one. And my uterine lining is almost 11, which apparently is as peachy as can be. She wants to get my progesterone level and see what’s up with my hormones, but she thinks I might have recently ovulated.  Like VERY recently. So today I get a call from the nurse and she tells me that my progesterone level was 3. M’kay. What does that mean? She says that the doctor thought I had ovulated super super recently, like so much so that the process wasn’t quite finished when I was having my dildocam date. She also asked if we had been BD’ing every other day like good little patients. I assured her we had.

I have some thoughts about this.

  1. I had 2 follicles. WTF? That’s sweet! On the strongest fertility drugs available to mankind I made 3 mature follicles (and 2 immature ones) and on Clomid – 2 small pills a night for 5 nights and no shots not-even-one-single-one – I made 2 mature follicles. 1/1000 the trouble (and $) and 2/3 the results. This, I think, is good news.
  2. I ovulated on Day 13. That’s also awesome as I usually ovulate on CD 9-10. I don’t know if the Clomid delays ovulation (it must, right?) but I feel like those few extra days could give my eggs the chance they need to mature. And who knows? Maybe all of these supplements I’m taking have improved my follicular environment. And I was worried that the Clomid might thin my uterine lining but I guess that’s not a problem.

So now I’m back to unrealistic hope. Here’s the hope part – 2 eggs instead of one. 13 days instead of 9. Maybe better egg quality from the supplements. Here’s the realistic part – I seem to ovulate every month on my own and have never been pregnant. Why should 1 additional egg make any difference?  It takes a long time for the supplements to work (if they work at all) and I’ve only been taking them for a month or so.

And also….I am not the lucky one. If this process has taught me anything it’s that I am not the exception. In fact, I’m usually the worst case scenario. It seems highly unlikely that I’m going to be the one who, after 3 (but really 1.5) rounds of IVF gets pregnant on Clomid. Who does that?  NO ONE.

And yet, here I am starting my 2WW routine. *sigh* I’m starting to feel like the person Einstein was talking about when he said “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s me. Insane. Or maybe masochistic. Or both. But here I am.

Hoping.             

I hate this

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

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I had my first beta on Thurs, and got the bad news after a 3 hour flight. I haven’t really had a chance to digest it or deal with it as I was in a wedding over the weekend. It made the time pass so was good in that respect, I guess.  My pregnancy tests still show faint lines, but all my symptoms are gone. My boobs are still sore but I’m still having to take all the Progesterone support so that’s not surprising.

I went in for my 2nd beta this morning (Monday – 16dp2dt or 18dpo) and am waiting for the results. I’m hoping for a miracle but know in my heart that it’s over.  I just hope this doesn’t drag on and on – numbers rising but only slightly, forcing you continue to to cling to that shred of hope. If IVF has taught me anything it’t that I’m not that 1 in a million person who beats the odds. I fall right in the middle of the bell curve.  Please just let the number be unambiguous.

11pd2dt – BFP symptoms

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

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So I am 11dpt2dt or 13dpo and I am pregnant. I may not be pregnant tomorrow, but 3 faint but clear tests confirm that I am pregnant right now (2 FRER and 1 CVS Early, in case you’re wondering). I’ve spent countless hours wasting time on Google looking for early pregnancy symptoms so now that I have them, I’d like to share!

Breasts – they’re definitely bigger than usual and tender, but no more so then they are right before AF. I have felt like my nipples have been behaving badly – getting erect for no reason and kind of tingly, which is different. No big blue veins or enlarged nipples or anything.

Cramps – still cramping, although not as badly as I was right after ER and ET and in the few days following. The shooting pain in my right ovary is pretty much gone. Last night I started getting weird little tugging sensations about 4 fingers below my belly button. It was subtle, but different.

Bloating – gone. Those 8lbs I gained this cycle are still with me but I’m feeling much better about them now!

Discharge – as I mentioned in a previous post this was the only symptom I had that couldn’t be explained by the meds.  It’s still with me – it happens once or twice a day and is like the watery discharge you get right around ovulation.

And that’s it. No nausea,  no metallic taste in my mouth, no increased sense of smell, no more tired than usual.

I still don’t really believe it. I want to pee on 10 more tests.  I want that beta.

And I realize now that this stage (which I have been so earnestly striving towards for so long) is just another waiting game.  I would get so annoyed with people who had gotten their BFP and were complaining about the time between betas, or that their BFP lines were slightly different colors. They were pregnant for gods sake – be thankful, stop nitpicking! I get it now. It’s still precarious. It could end at any moment. I feel like so many of us on this IVF journey have had so much bad news, so many failed tests, so much heartbreak that we don’t accept good luck when it happens. We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Um, wait. What? BFP?

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

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Soooo, after trying all day to hold it together (sneaking cry breaks in the restroom and pleading allergies to explain my red rimmed eyes and stuffy nose) I spent the early evening with Dr. Google feeling sorry for myself.

I finally decided to just go to CVS and get a FRER since everyone talks about how wonderful they are.  Came home and left them on the kitchen counter until my will broke 20 minutes later. Mind you, I used FMU at 6 AM today, and tonight I’d had a lot of water and juice to drink so I knew it was stupid to test.  Wasteful.  That I should wait til morning.

Snuck into the bathroom and turned the fan on so S couldn’t hear me opening the box. POAS and lo and behold. 2 line.  2 LINES!!!! 

It’s faint, but there.  And you don’t even need to stand-in-a-bright-light–squint-and-turn-your-head-just-right to see it!

Faint, but there! 10.5dp2dt Tested at 6 AM BFN, tested at 7 PM BFP

So, I’m trying to be cautiously optimistic. I knew the stats – early miscarriages, late miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies…but just for these few minutes I want to exalt in this state that I’m in –  this state I’ve never been in before. With child.  Fertile. PREGNANT.

*BTW, S is over the moon!  But he is (for once in his life) being extremely cautious with his optimism. I don’t think he’s gonna truly believe it until the beta day after tomorrow.  Hang tight in there little embaby!!

10dp2dt, BFN

09 Tuesday Oct 2012

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Well, I POAS this morning and for about 1.5 seconds I was convinced I saw a very faint second line. Not that I would really know what it looks like never having seen it before. I even did that desperate thing I swore I would never do – break the test open to check the phantom line more closely. Of course then I didn’t know where to pretend the line was… after a few minutes of squinting  and looking at it sideways I had to admit to the BFN. I thought I would cry, after all, a BFN at this point pretty much means the cycle failed, I failed, it’s over.

I didn’t cry. I put the test in the trash and got back in bed with my husband. Laying there cuddled up with him I was wondering at my composure and then I felt it – that panic deep deep inside my belly. Let me explain. The deeper my grief, the longer I take to react to it – it’s like it starts from a place so far down inside me that it takes a long time to get to the surface.

My best friend was killed in a car accident when I was 19. After his mother told me the news I was perfectly calm.  I played with the cat, made and ate a PBJ, watched some TV. After about 2 hours I figured it was time to start making phone calls and letting people know. It was only as I picked up the phone that I started to cry. I started to cry and didn’t stop for about 6 months. This feel kinda like that. I haven’t started to cry yet, but I can feel it coming.

9dp2dt, Symptom Spotting Round 2!

09 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in 2WW, Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)

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Old symptoms:  Moodiness – check.  Irritability – check.  Sore breasts – increasing.  Cramps – mostly gone.  Bloating – mostly gone.  Thirst – mostly gone.  8lbs gained during this cycle – sadly, still with me.

New symptoms:  Discharge. Headache.  Shooting stabbing pain in my right ovary.

First, it’s really weird that I know exactly where my ovaries are, and my uterus for that matter. That being said, I’m pretty sure this stabbing pain is a new cyst since it feels exactly like last time when I had the monster cyst on my left ovary. Second, I’m annoyed that a headache is suddenly a pregnancy symptom when every other day of my life it’s the easily foreseeable result of staring at the computer for too long and/or having a really trying day.  Finally, I feel like the increased breast tenderness is most likely a result of me poking them all the time to see if they’re sore.  *sigh*

That leaves me with discharge.  Joy.  You know it’s a bad day when you hang your hopes on discharge.

I’m trying to convince S to go out to dinner so I can get away from the HPT which is burning a hole in the bathroom cabinet – after all I tested yesterday and it was negative. I’ll test in the morning with FMU, or if I’m feeling very in control of myself I’ll wait until tomorrow night. If it’s still BFN at that point the odds are I’m out. Of course, the odds are that I’m out anyway.  I hate math.

 

 

 

IVF – so many forms of discomfort

09 Tuesday Oct 2012

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I’ve been in a bad mood lately. Call it hormones, call it stress. I think I’m going to call it isolation, which is unfair and overdramatic, but it doesn’t make it any less true to me.

My husband (obviously) and immediate family know what we’re going through, as well as a handful of close friends.  Everyone is very loving and supportive but lets face it – this makes everybody uncomfortable. At a first cut, it makes you think about the sex life of your friend (or daughter or sister or whatever) which is uncomfortable.  But really that’s not the problem.  To think about this the way I am you have to break it down into 2 categories of people – fertile and unknown.

As an example – My 2 best friends are both fertile. Together they have 5 gorgeous, well-adjusted children that they timed perfectly and conceived (more-or-less) on purpose. They were both pregnant when I told them about my infertility issues and the steps we were taking, which was awkward. Of course they were supportive and wonderful (because they’re supportive wonderful people) but I felt the need to explicitly spell out that I don’t begrudge them their children or their pregnancies, and that I want to still share in those experiences.  Is it sometimes difficult?  Yes. Do I sometimes get jealous?  Yes. But I don’t want to be left out and excluded. I know I could theoretically talk to them about it anytime, but I feel like they would be uncomfortable, and that it would be a burden at best and a strain on our friendship at worst.

And the other group-the unknowns.  These are the ladies (many of my friends) who haven’t had kids yet but hope to soon.  They were in the same boat as me – waiting to finish school, waiting to be settled, waiting for Mr. Right. And I am the manifestation of their secret fears.  Did they wait too long? Why have they never had a pregnancy scare? Are they infertile too? Just being around me is a reminder that this could happen to them.

Any way you cut it, everyone is uncomfortable.

So it ends up being just me, sitting on the couch.

8dp2dt

07 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by in 2WW, IVF, Musings

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Let’s symptom spot!  My favorite!

I’ve been cramping (AF like cramps) since the retrieval. Yep, 10 straight days of cramps. So, that’s the progesterone. We can also put bloating and constipation and irritability and excessive thirst (which leads to excessive urination) in that category. Also, breast soreness.  This started around the time I started round 2 of progesterone suppositories so it is probably also associated with the meds, although it’s getting a bit more intense.  But no more intense than it usually is right before my period. I’m tired, but then again I’m always tired.

Which leaves me with……nothing. No symptoms. And by now (according to Dr. Google) most people have some symptoms.

I don’t hold out much hope for this cycle. The internet says our chances for a BFP are a little less than 1 in 4, my RE says it’s more like 1 in 9. Despite the low odds I’m constantly told to stay positive, think only good thoughts. I have to take my meds 3x a day, do yoga that increases blood flow to the uterus, not drink alcohol or coffee, not eat sushi, not get stressed or upset.  And it all feels like an exercise in futility. A farce.

But every once in a while I slip.  I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to tell S that it worked, that we’re finally pregnant.  What it would be like to have a 4 month old at my sister’s wedding (of course I already know the due date if this actually works). What it would be like to tell my step-daughter that she’ll finally have a sibling. And that’s the worst part. The more I think happy, positive thoughts the more devastated I’ll be when I get that BFN. I never really thought that the IUI would work.  When we got the BFN it was ok.  But this time we have a real chance. Our genetic material combined, it grew, and they put it back inside me. It’s REAL. I know that even with all of my logical assessment of the odds of a BFP and trying to be REALISTIC (which is rather the opposite of positive) I will be gutted if this doesn’t work. I can see that BFN abyss of loss and sadness and failure and self-blame right in front of me and I am frantically trying to build a shell around myself so that when I get the BFN and topple in to that hole I’ll have something to break my fall.

**Update – I broke down and tested today at 4:00.  BFN. Just saying…

IVF #1.5, 2WW

07 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by in 2WW, IVF

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Oh lordy, the 2WW. The longest 2 weeks ever.

That’s why I’m updating this blog now – to give myself something to do besides search the internet for pregnancy symptoms like a baby crackhead. I can’t concentrate on work. I’m tired and super irritable from the hormones (and the waiting) so I don’t want to be around people. I can’t drink, so my usual watering holes are out. I feel too crappy to exercise…. laying on the couch and worrying it is!!

I’m currently 8dp2dt (8 days past 2 day transfer), or 10 dpo (days past ovulation). Some people haven gotten positive pregnancy tests on this day.  I know because I have searched every corner of the internet to find them. Most people get a BFP more around 9-11dp2dt. My beta test isn’t until Oct.11, 4 days from now.

In case you’re not aware there are 2 major phenomena associated with the 2WW (besides Google crack). One is developing a POAS addiction, and the other is called symptom spotting. EVERY. LITTLE. THING. becomes either a positive sign of pregnancy, or a positive sign that your cycle failed. Rash on your chest?  Google it – pregnancy symptom. Upset stomach?  Google it – pregnancy.  Sore boobs? – pregnant.  Not sore enough? Not pregnant.  Sore in the morning but not at night? Not pregnant. Grossed out by hamburger – pregnant. Ate it anyway – not pregnant.  It’s maddening.

And to make it worse we (those going through IVF and stuck in the purgatory of the 2WW) ARE pregnant – hormonally speaking.  Starting the day of the egg retrieval we’re pumped full of hormones and other drugs. Prometrium suppositories, estrogen patches, antibiotics, then estrogen suppositories, progesterone suppositories and progesterone lozenges 3x a day. It’s hormone madness. I cried yesterday because I couldn’t get the TV to change channels. My poor husband is in constant retreat to whatever part of the house I’m not in. I’m smart enough to stay away from my friends but I’m annoyed with them from afar. I’m tired, weepy, bloated, hungry, my boobs hurt, the medicine tastes bad, I’ve gained 8 lbs this cycle and I’m so sick of all of this that I could scream! Is it worth it? I don’t know. But how do I not try?