It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and that’s because I’m really struggling. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with what’s happened – don’t worry, the babies are fine.

We had our second ultrasound and both babies were measuring exactly on track (7 weeks 3 days) and had HRs of 144 and 153. I found a doctor, or more precisely a group of midwives and doctors, who will take care of my prenatal stuff. I went to my appointment with them and really liked the midwife I saw and the practice.

So, my struggles. This is the hard part, and I have so much to say. And so much of what I have to say makes me feel stupid, and shallow and ungrateful. *sigh*

  • I feel awful. Really really awful. I swore I would never complain about pregnancy because I was always so angry at those women who complained. I wanted to be like “STFU, you’re pregnant. Be grateful.” But the constant nausea and vomiting (10-15x a day) really wears you down in both body and spirit. The doctor finally put me on Zofran because I couldn’t keep anything down. Of course, Zofran has very unpleasant side effects and those are in full force.
  • We just moved. The house is nice, much bigger and brighter and cleaner than our old place but it’s not home. I’m not comfortable here. I keep waking up and wanting to go home, but I’m not sure where home is anymore. It makes me sad. Plus, there’s a ton to do and I have zero energy or inclination to do any of it. Which means DH has done most of it and is very resentful. Gotta love that.
  • My family is far, far away. My mom, dad and sister came out to visit for Christmas, and the day they left I thought my heart would break. I had panic attacks all night. I don’t want to have my babies far away from my family. I don’t want them to only know my extended family (who all live on the same farm where I grew up) from holidays and family reunions. I want to go home. I want to raise my babies at home.
  • We got full custody of my step-daughter and her mother committed herself to a mental hospital after trying to burn her fathers house down (with him inside). No joke. Not a Jerry Springer episode. MY LIFE. So, I’m glad we have her and I’m glad she’s safe but going from no kids to a poorly mannered and somewhat out of control 8 year old with no chance of a break is difficult. Us having her full time with every other weekend visitation to her mom is one thing – this is completely different. She is driving me absolutely nuts. DH doesn’t help the situation because he’s never really been a parent to her and is still in “disney-land dad” mode. She is spoiled and whiney and doesn’t follow rules and he doesn’t help me enforce them. When my sister was here for the holidays she was appalled at her behavior. I try to talk to DH about it but he completely blows me off. Every day I shut myself in my closet and cry because I am so unhappy having her here, which makes me feel like an awful, horrible person. She’s 8 and she’s adjusting fine. I’m 37 and I’m falling apart.
  • Because I am so frustrated with my step-daughter and the situation I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have children at all. Will I resent them? Am I bad person? Will I be a bad mother? How will I manage with 2 infants and this child who doesn’t listen with no help from my husband? I feel like I can’t talk to my husband – he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t understand. And after seeing him full time with my step-daughter I have serious doubts as to his judgement and parenting abilities. And that scares me to death.
  • Financially, things are unstable. Between custody lawyers and IVF we are in serious debt. And I’m graduating and will need a job, but who will hire me when I’m pregnant? And what about after I have the babies? What then?
  • I thought that being an older parent would be helpful – I’ve gotten the partying out of my system, I’m (maybe) more patient, have more life experience. But in reality one of the things I’m struggling with is that I have spent a long time carefully crafting my life. I liked my life – travel, friends, gatherings – freedom. And now I feel like that life is ending forever and I’m panicking. What is WRONG with me? No babies could be more wanted than these babies! I went to hell and back to get these babies! And now that I’m finally pregnant I’m worried about my life ending? Enter the guilt. What is wrong with me? How can I possibly be feeling this way? I know so many people who give anything to have this chance and I’m being selfish and petty and immature!! But I can’t help it. I just…feel like that.

The overall idea, I think, is that I am unhappy and overwhelmed. Too much has changed too quickly and I am not good with change even at the best of times. I don’t know if crazy pregnancy hormones are partially to blame or not, but this isn’t how I thought it would be. I’m not excited, or even hopefully. I’m scared and panicked. And there’s no one to talk to. The infertility community is fantastic! There is so much love and support, so many people who can empathize and understand and commiserate.

There is no “pregnant after infertility” community. Because there’s that angle too – I feel what I can only describe as survivors guilt. I feel guilty that I’m pregnant and other people who have struggled even more than me, aren’t. I don’t want to tell people I’m pregnant because I’m worried one of them may be going through infertility and it may be hurtful to them. I’m scared of losing one or both of the babies. Infertility has made me pessimistic and fearful and I have no outlet for those feelings anymore. And I feel guilty for feeling all of things I listed above. I’m a big, sad, pathetic, scared, panicky, whiny sack. Boo-fucking-hoo, by mybrokenoven.