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As many of you may recall we have 3 embryos on ice at our RE. Every year we get the bill for their “rent” and every year I pay it because I can’t stand the idea of letting them go.

The fact is that I want another baby. I’d like a girl. I’d like to baby wear, which I never really got to do with the boys. I’d like to exclusively breastfeed, which I never got to do with the boys because I always had to supplement with formula in addition to breastfeeding (they’ve always been voracious eaters). I’d like to do all the things that people with one baby get to do that mothers of multiples aren’t able to do.

The reality is that I’m 42 and while I’m in good health and good shape I wouldn’t be able to even get pregnant (assuming the defrost and transfer worked) until I’m 43. We already have 3 kids (we have my step-daughter full-time, plus the twins). We are already low on time, money and energy. We’re finally out of diapers. And importantly, our families are not supportive of more babies and there’s no way we could do it without their support. And let’s be honest, having a “singleton” when you’ve got 3 other kids is obviously not going to live up to my granola, crunchy, sun drenched, baby love fest dream.

I’m not sure I’m ready to be done with babies, but I’m not sure if I feel that way because I actually want another child or because I worked so hard for those embryos. It seems like it would be such a small and easy thing to do a transfer and be pregnant, which still seems like such a novelty and a gift. But while I was holding my sisters sleeping newborn daughter over the holidays it occurred to me that I was ready to give her back. I had other things I wanted to do – I wanted more pie, I wanted to play with my kids, I wanted to talk to my aunts – I wanted to snuggle her and love her and then give her back to my sister. So maybe it’s time. Maybe it time to move forward and reconcile myself to the idea that I’m done having babies. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea but we’ll see how I feel when it’s time to pay the rent…