How old would your child be?
Mother’s Day. Gah.
The 13th worst day of the year. The other 12 days that were worse? The day my period started each month. The day that marked another failure. Another cycle gone. Another month of trying and wishing and hoping. In vain. Every single month.
Now that I have my boys Mother’s Day is bittersweet. My heart aches with joy at my blessings. My heart aches with pain at the knowledge that there are so many others out there that are still trying and wishing and hoping. So many others dreading this day. Dreading the 12 other worst days.
So for all of you out there still trying – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your babies – I’m thinking of you. For all of you out there that have lost your mamas – I’m thinking of you too. This can be a trying and painful day for so many reasons. Be strong. Be good to each other. I’m thinking of you.
I started my period today, which means that decision time is finally here. When we left my RE (the one who said she could no longer help us) she said she could do super-ovulation cycles with us until we could get in with the new IVF RE so that we don’t “lose any time”. I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand it can’t hurt to try and produce my follicles (and eggs) but on the other hand I’ve heard that the meds can actually decrease fertility by adversely affecting egg quality. Would that decrease my chances when we do start at the new clinic? S wants to do whatever we can, take any possible step, so he’s an advocate but has left the final decision up to me.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning to take my final beta to make sure everything “evacuated”. I’ll talk to the nurses then. Hmmmmm
I haven’t talked about my miscarriage. I don’t know what to say about it. I was relieved when I knew the pregnancy wasn’t ectopic, and then I just wanted it to end so we could move forward. Then I was afraid – I never really thought about miscarrying – you know, the actual process of it. Like that it can take days, or even weeks. That there is actually tissue that you expel. What would it be like? Would I be able to recognized the tissue as the baby even though I was so early? How long would it last – the cramping, the bleeding, the clotting…and whatever else happens. Would it hurt? And of course then there was the sadness and the overwhelming sense of guilt and failure. Modern technology had managed to painstakingly create a life, and my body had quickly managed to kill it.
As it turns out it was awful, but not as awful as I had feared. If you’re squeamish stop reading now. If you are like me and just want to know what to expect, this was my experience.
I started cramping 2 days after stopping the progesterone support. A few hours after the cramping started I started bleeding. A lot. Or a lot more than usual (which for me isn’t very much). It was darker then usual and not very continuous – I would bleed for an hour and then stop for an hour. Bad cramping. About 3 hours after I started bleeding I wiped and (sorry, TMI) found a long and thick (~1.25 inches long and .25 inches thick) liver colored “clot”. I had read blogs where people said that was what the fetal tissue looked like but it wasn’t clear what it was. But, I have not ever seen anything like it despite menstruating for 25 years, so in hindsight I assume that was most of the “products of conception”. After that it was just bleeding and stringy dark clots (not too big or think, similar to the ones I used to get the first day of my cycle). The cramps stopped on the 2-3 day and I continued to bleed for about a week. My period these days is only 2 to 2.5 days so this was a lot for me.
I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet, and I’m certainly still grieving. I’ll cry in the grocery store for no reason. I’ve shut down Facebook because it’s too painful to see all of the beautiful ultrasounds of healthy babies when all I’ve ever seen are follicles and an empty uterus. I’m avoiding my mother and mother-in-law because of my irrational, overwhelming sense of failure and isolation. They don’t understand – all their babies were healthy. I can’t see them and listen to their well-meaning reassurances and look them in the eyes and know that I’m reason they won’t have grandchildren. I’m trying to forgive myself. To not be angry. I’m trying to be gentle with myself. After all, in one weeks time I miscarried and was told that was likely the only pregnancy I’d ever have. It was a rough week.
If you’ve had a miscarriage (early or late) or are waiting for one to start (or finish), my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your pain, and for your loss. There are not words to express the sense of loss, regardless of how long you were pregnant. Be brave, stay strong.
So, I guess that’s it. I got the official order to go off the meds. This cycle is officially a failure, and I can expect to start to miscarry sometime in the next few days. My one and only pregnancy is over.
I can’t tell if I got all of my crying out already, or if I’m just relieved that it’s not an ectopic pregnancy and/or going to keep dragging on with slightly increasing betas. Maybe I’m just relieved to be able to have a freaking margarita. But, either way I just feel relief. I expect that will change, especially once the bleeding starts but for now I’m just happy to have an answer.
The problem with having an answer is that now I have a new problem – Try again?
Probably. But right now the the thought of all those shots and doctors appointments and the accompanying roller coaster of emotions is too overwhelming to contemplate So, for right now I’m going to focus on breathing in and breathing out and putting one foot in front of the other. We’ll see how that goes.
At around 2:30 today I started cramping. By 4:30 the cramps were super intense, and I had a backache so bad it was sending shooting pains down the backs of my legs. Now, I rarely have menstrual cramps so I don’t really have much to compare this to, but this makes the few cramps I have had seem feeble. And this cramping is different then the ET/ER cramps. Those were not as sharp, more of an ache. Please just let it be over soon.