Let’s get something straight – patience has never been one of my virtues, so the waiting associated with infertility drives me absolutely nuts. And I am sick to death of waiting, especially because (with infertility) it so often feels like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shadow of failure is always hovering, defeat is always looming. I’ve spent so much time being cautious and curtailing my optimism during this process. This pregnancy was the first time I have really truly been whole-heartedly optimistic in years, seriously, years. We got that first high beta and I thought we were safe, I thought we were in the clear, so I was completely blindsided by the bad beta. It feels like infertility saw my hope and joy and turned around and bitch slapped me. Again.
I broke down to S last night. He’s been on a business trip for the last 4 days so it’s been me, my step-daughter and my mother-in-law (who came to watch A while I was at work). I haven’t had a free moment to myself. So once I picked S up from the airport at 11 PM all of the crazy, frightened, neurotic, angry feeling stew that had been brewing in me since the call with the bad beta news just erupted into a massive display of woe is me. There was a lot of “why is this happening?”, “why did I think this would work?”, “why did I think we could ever have a baby?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “what is wrong with me?” in between ridiculously theatrical massive sobs.
Now, I know it’s not over until the proverbial fat lady does her thing, but if there’s one thing infertility has taught me it’s that I am not the exception. I am (almost always) the worst case scenario (with the exception of the egg fertilization thing). I am clinging unbelievably tightly to all of your assurances that it could be a vanishing twin (thank you, sincerely, for all of the support), that there could still be a healthy baby hanging on, but I feel like I’m deluding myself.
I had a ton of symptoms up until Dec. 3 (see one of the earlier posts) and then they all kind of … went away. Not totally away – I had occasional mild nausea and slight cramping – but I thought maybe that was because the implantation part was done and we were moving on to another phase. Silly me. And now I have symptoms again but I think they’re a result of anxiety and possible impending miscarriage rather than pregnancy. My back aches a little, and I’ve been super nauseous – but I often get nauseous when I’m really upset (some of you may recall that while trying to chose a donor I cried so hard I threw up. Yep. You’re welcome).
Anyway, I’m just going hang out in my “woe is me” corner and rock back and forth, waiting for tomorrow to give blood so I can wait for the Doctor to call me. I’m sure I’ll fill my time with something constructive, like vacillating wildly between being completely convinced it’s over and mostly convinced it’s ok. Should be fun.
** And now for the good news!! We got full custody of my step-daughter! Her mother was declared an unfit parent and now is limited to 4 hours of supervised contact every other weekend. She didn’t even bother to show up in court. When we told A she was going to live with us now she asked a few questions like, “Will I ever see my mom again?”, and “Will I go to school here now?”, and then said “Well, good. It’s better here. This is a better place for a kid, but don’t tell my mom I said that.”
Hope is something you pee on 
Oh man, that kid! From the mouths of babes. What a sweetheart. I laughed and ached at the same time. Reminds me of my nephew, who had that same kind of kid-wisdom once upon a time. Congratulations on custody! Woo!
First off, I 10000000% understand where you are at, and let me tell you: There is nowhere else you can be. You can’t be better at this fucked up shit, it is literally impossible. So rock back and forth, rock on, dearheart, dear dear battered heart.
Now if I was blowing sweet sunny sunshine up yer arse I swear to you I would stop here. But I have to give you the truth: I really have seen this in the blogosphere, wonky second betas and vanishing twins. I know that you (like me! I get it!) are always the one for whom negative awfulness cascades after any snag whatsoever. But I recently saw the baby of a friend who implanted 2 BB embryos, and ended up with a drop in beta for her second beta…which was indeed a vanishing twin (confirmed via ultrasound). And now she is one happy mama to possibly the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. If you cannot hold out hope for this (and I would not be able to, either) I am going to hold it for you. That’s what we’re here for.
Dr. Google (ass-face that he is, can sometimes be helpful) also notes the not-so-hot intermediate betas that eventually begin doubling as they should.
You’ve got this, honey. Smiling over here and knowing it.
LOVE. xxxooo
I love you so hard. Thank you for a much needed smile – you always bring some sunshine.
Don’t let the symptoms, lack thereof fool you… in my first several months and even now at 22 weeks they come and go like crazy. I’d be barfing one minute, feeling great the next. The roller coaster is the biggest symptom of all, I swear!
As for everything else, I’m so so sorry you have to be mentally tortured like this (SUCKS!). But I’m on the side of 60% (or more) that it’s going to be okay… Also thrilled to hear about your stepdaughter. She’s so so SOOOOOO lucky to have you!
Thank you. I can’t even tell you how pissed off I’m gonna be if I’m barfing over here for nothing. 🙂 Glad everything is going well for you (except for the barfing you’re doing)! xo
I so completely get where you’re coming from here. I always always think there is another shoe to drop (because there always has been), and would have trouble being optimistic in your shoes. I agree with TET that there is no better way to handle any of this than you are, it’s just awful and deserves freaking out. So hoping things are still good in there, can’t wait to hear the news.
Thanks. It is absolutely invaluable to be able to share this stuff with y’all, and get support and advice. You guys have BEEN THERE, you KNOW. I value and appreciate your hard earned wisdom.
Dont worry Hon. And dont think over it over and over again. Thinking of the worst is not going to help or prepare you in anyway even if it were to happen. Your first Beta was really high and this is a vanishing twin thing. Try to stay positive( hard todo i know) but you have not lost till all is over. My heart tells me everything will be fine.
The waiting is torture. Try to keep busy and distracted as much as possible, and don’t give up on getting good news (as hard as I know it is to stay optimistic). You deserve it. And I’m so happy that your stepdaughter is now (officially) where she belongs. She is one wise kid.
Agreeing with the ladies, I feel in my bones you got this. You’re doing the best you can. The phrase taking it one step at a time has never been more poignant than in this, in your situation. Thinking of you lots and sending love xx
Congratulations on your custody!! That is great news! I hope that your next blood test results are quick and reassuring!
I just read this and, honestly, I not only sympathize – it felt like I could’ve easily written a part of your post. I can so completely relate to all those crazy feelings, especially the whole “why” in all its cacophony. We’re still in limbo – need to find a new RE and figure out how to come up with the money for our first IVF cycle, once we even find someone which will have to be out of state for us anyway (with all the additional headaches involved). Like you, I’m DOR – and since my last AMH test was done over a year ago, I’m trying not to have a mental breakdown anytime I contemplate the “worst case scenario” anyone with DOR is in perennial fear of being confronted with before getting pregnant and carrying to term. HUGS!