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Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Hope is something you pee on

Tag Archives: embryos

No more babies

04 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by mybrokenoven in IVF, Musings, Pregnancy

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

embryos, frozen embryos, IVF

As many of you may recall we have 3 embryos on ice at our RE. Every year we get the bill for their “rent” and every year I pay it because I can’t stand the idea of letting them go.

The fact is that I want another baby. I’d like a girl. I’d like to baby wear, which I never really got to do with the boys. I’d like to exclusively breastfeed, which I never got to do with the boys because I always had to supplement with formula in addition to breastfeeding (they’ve always been voracious eaters). I’d like to do all the things that people with one baby get to do that mothers of multiples aren’t able to do.

The reality is that I’m 42 and while I’m in good health and good shape I wouldn’t be able to even get pregnant (assuming the defrost and transfer worked) until I’m 43. We already have 3 kids (we have my step-daughter full-time, plus the twins). We are already low on time, money and energy. We’re finally out of diapers. And importantly, our families are not supportive of more babies and there’s no way we could do it without their support. And let’s be honest, having a “singleton” when you’ve got 3 other kids is obviously not going to live up to my granola, crunchy, sun drenched, baby love fest dream.

I’m not sure I’m ready to be done with babies, but I’m not sure if I feel that way because I actually want another child or because I worked so hard for those embryos. It seems like it would be such a small and easy thing to do a transfer and be pregnant, which still seems like such a novelty and a gift. But while I was holding my sisters sleeping newborn daughter over the holidays it occurred to me that I was ready to give her back. I had other things I wanted to do – I wanted more pie, I wanted to play with my kids, I wanted to talk to my aunts – I wanted to snuggle her and love her and then give her back to my sister. So maybe it’s time. Maybe it time to move forward and reconcile myself to the idea that I’m done having babies. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea but we’ll see how I feel when it’s time to pay the rent…

Should we try for another baby?

24 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in IVF, Pregnancy

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

embryos, frozen eggs, IVF, leftover embryos, should I have another baby, singleton after twins

We have 3 frozen embryos left. I don’t think of them much really but last week I got the bill for their “rent”, which is $400/yr. That’s not a huge expense considering how much it cost to make them but we have 3 children already and every little bit helps, especially when it comes to saving for braces and college and whatnot.

I brought the bill to my husband and asked him what we should do and he flippantly answered “Donate them to someone else. Or to medical research. I don’t know. What did we initially decide we wanted done with them?” Here’s the thing though – I’m not sure I want to let them go. I’m already pretty overwhelmed with 3 kids and a full time job and  building a business on the side, but we worked so HARD for them. And I’m not sure I’m done. I love my twins to the moon and back again but I feel like because they were multiples I missed out on something (I feel stupid admitting that but there you go). I had very few quiet, snuggly moments. I never got to baby wear. I feel like I missed out on little things. When I was done with one baby it was always immediately on to the next baby and round and round and round. There was never really a chance to stop and enjoy the small moments. I don’t know why I seem to think that having a teenager and 2 toddlers would allow me the time or the latitude to stop and smell the roses if I had another one. It sounds ridiculous even to me.

And there are so many cons – the time, the money, the energy.  And I’m almost 41 – what am I doing thinking about another baby? But then again no one ever looks at their watch and goes “Wow. I’ve got so much extra time and energy. I should have a kid.” or looks in their wallet and says “Too much money in here. Time for a baby!”.

I keep thinking “Maybe we should do the work up and just put one in and if it takes it takes and if it does’t then it doesn’t” and move on. But what if it works and then we have another baby?

Thoughts? Am I totally nuts? (Because I feel totally nuts).

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