Wed. morning I did something I’ve never done before. I cried so hard I vomited.

Our DE nurse called and told us the Donor Egg Bank didn’t do open donations (which I already knew), but somehow hearing it from her made it worse. She also seemed annoyed that I wanted to have an open donation, like it didn’t make sense to her and she didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. It pushed me over the edge, and I lost it. I just straight up lost my shit y’all. I started sobbing those big, deep, horrible sobs – the kind you think will break you in half or strangle you – and I just couldn’t stop. There has been so much – stress, pressure, expectation, hope, loss, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, exhaustion – that I just couldn’t carry it any longer. And my body quite literally purged itself of it.

I wish I could say that there was some kind of cathartic relief from that episode, like a weight has been lifted or my mind is suddenly free and clear, but that’s not really true. It felt good to cry, and it felt strangely good to acknowledge in a physical way the depth of my emotional pain, but I’m still pretty much in the same place I was before. No huge cognitive leaps or moments of clarity. It did, however, get me thinking about how far I’ve come and the things I’ve managed to overcome. Navigating infertility (and alllllllll of the things that go along with it) is like running a gauntlet in both your body and your soul. It’s hard and painful and desperately unfair. But so are a lot of things. This is my challenge, and this is my life. The conditions have been set and it’s up to me to stay the course.

Anyway, all of that reminded me of this song, especially this part

“I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’
But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet”

Happy weekend to all of you, my angels.