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Hope is something you pee on

~ …trying to survive infertility, IVF and egg donation.

Hope is something you pee on

Tag Archives: diminished ovarian reserve

Your feelings are valid

16 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), Musings

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, infertility crisis, infertility success, IVF, IVF success, PCOS, PCOS success

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the different reactions people have to infertility.

1888677_915522608471510_4245447630407780023_n (1) (1)For me, I had a total existential crisis. It shook the foundation of my world. I had absolutely bought into the idea that if I tried hard enough I could accomplish anything, and for the most part that had been true for me. So the idea that I couldn’t have a baby, a thing that most people did with ease, shook me to the core. And then couple that with the want and the need and the desire to have a family… I was devastated.

Contrast that with my friend K. She was diagnosed with DOR and did IVF 3 times. She was disappointed each time that the cycle failed but she certainly wasn’t devastated. And after the 3rd failure she quickly and cheerfully moved on and she and her husband now have 2 beautiful daughters through adoption.

And then there’s G. She was diagnosed with PCOS and started the injections and the monitoring but firmly insisted throughout the process that what she was doing was not ANYTHING like what I had to do during my IVF cycles. This despite the fact that she was doing EXACTLY what I had to do, only without the retrieval and fertilization part. (Granted, that’s a big difference but still). She got pregnant and now has a lovely little girl. In retrospect, she admits that she didn’t want to admit that what we had to do was the same because IVF sounded so sad and broken and scary that she wanted to distance herself from the very idea of it, the very idea that she might need it.

And then there’s P. She and her husband tried to get pregnant for about 2 years. Then they sat down, had a heart to heart, and decided that if it happened that was ok and that if it didn’t that was ok too. She’s 43 and unlikely to get pregnant now and she’s totally ok with that. No crisis, no medical intervention, just acceptance.

Of course it’s totally natural and expected that everyone will have a different reaction and choose a different path. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around because it was so difficult for me personally. I’m not really sure what my point is with this musing, except to highlight the fact that if you’re dealing with infertility whatever reaction you’re having is ok. It may feel like the world is ending but it may also not feel like a big deal. And that’s alright. What you’re feeling is valid and don’t you ever let anyone tell you it’s not.

Gift for our egg donor

17 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, donor egg, gift basket, gift for egg donor, Infertility

Hand painted card for our donor

Hand painted card for our donor

Our donors egg retrieval is coming up (either Tues or Wed, depending on how her follicles look today) so it was time to put her gift basket together. I wanted it to be elegant, put together, thoughtful, sweet…. Nope, that’s just not how I roll! In the end though, I think it reflects me in all of my silly, crazy but well-intentioned glory. Frankly, I put in the things that I wanted after my egg retrieval, and then some other stuff just ’cause. In the end, this is what went in…

  1. The basket, obviously, with a silly flower wrapped around the handle (she has a small child, so I thought the silly stuff would be appreciated).
  2. Thanksgiving/fall themed kitchen towels as a liner, because tis the season.
  3. Super fluffy warm soft socks.
  4. A pumpkin scented candle.
  5. Relaxation tea.
  6. A jar filled with beauty stuff – nail polish, lotion, shower gel, eye mask, silly frog loofa, etc.
  7. A stuffed animal for her little boy.
  8. The Willow Tree “Thank You” angel.
  9. Chocolate! And chocolate chip cookies, Gatorade and Applesauce.
  10. And finally, a card that one of my closest friends painted for the donor. I’ve spent the last few nights mulling over what to say in it, and finally wrote it this morning.

Here’s what I said, more or less…

Words can never truly express how grateful we are for what you have done.  We know what a commitment it is to go through the grueling process of injections and monitoring, and we understand all that you’ve had to endure to help us start our family. For several long years we have gone through one failed IVF cycle after another, desperately trying to have a baby.  When we learned last Christmas that my ovaries had failed to the point where we could no longer use my eggs, my little sister offered to donate her eggs to us. Tragically, during the donor testing, ARMS discovered that she also has Diminished Ovarian Reserve and may never have children of her own. It seemed that our dream of holding our baby in our arms was slipping away.  And then came you! You have given us the chance to become the parents that we know in our hearts we are meant to be.  You are our angel of hope and grace, and although we can never repay your kindness and generosity, please know that we acknowledge how truly wonderful and special you are.  Regardless of the outcome of this cycle, we cannot thank you enough for your selflessness. If we are lucky enough to have children as a result of your gift I know we will think of you often with love, wonder and appreciation. You will always have a special place in our hearts. Gratefully, the hopefully mom and dad to be

On the back – *Here are a few little things to help you relax after the retrieval. There is also an angel for you. Whenever you look at her, remember that you are our angel and that you are appreciated!

I’ve added some pictures of the basket and card. Let me know what you think, especially if you think we should add anything. We have a few days to make changes!

Gift basket for our egg donor

Gift basket for our egg donor

*sigh*

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by mybrokenoven in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

defeated, diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, sad

I’m worn out. Beaten down. Defeated and dejected.

Infertility sucks. All of it. Start to finish.

I have to take a break; from the planning, the pills, the stress, the research, the constant worrying. I want one day – just one day – where I don’t feel this overwhelming sense of loss.

I want to watch TV without crying at baby food commercials. I want to sleep through the night without having stress dreams. I want to stop eating kale. I want to enjoy sex with my husband again. I want a damn cup of coffee.

Clomid

24 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Clomid

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

clomid, clomid after IVF, diminished ovarian reserve

I decided to go backwards. We did IVF #1 which was converted to an IUI, then we canceled IVF #2 because I had a bad reaction to Lupron, and we got pregnant (and miscarried) on IVF #3. Our RE told us she couldn’t help us, that if we wanted to continue we had to do DE or change clinics. BUT, she said we could do Clomid cycles with her if we wanted to, so that we didn’t “waste time”. In the spirit of “try every single possible thing we can to make this happen” we decided to go ahead and do it, even though it seems like going backwards.

First, it is a hell of a lot easier than injectables. 2 little pills at bedtime and that’s it. Similar side effects to injectables, only an order of magnitude smaller. Bloated, but can still button my jeans (by this point during IVF cycles I couldn’t even LOOK at my jeans). Moody, but just a little. However, I started having shooting pains in my left ovary, which is weird. Dr. Google says it’s either a cyst (I hear they’re quite common with Clomid) or follicles growing (wouldn’t that be strange). I know I had similar pains during my IVF cycles so I’m not TOO concerned. Time will tell I suppose. We go in for a trans-vag ultrasound on the 28th to see when we’ll trigger, and then will do an IUI a few days later.

I don’t think it’ll work. I haven’t been able to dig up a single “my friends sisters boss’s daughter did Clomid after IVF and it worked for her” posts. I even had wine at Thanksgiving which I would never do during an IVF cycle where I feel like we have a chance. If I’m honest with myself all I really want is that ultrasound. I’ve been on the herbal supplements for almost a month and I want to know if they’re working! Do I have more follicles than before? Are they maturing properly? Am I going to ovulate early like I always did before (day 9-10 for O, which is too early!) or have the meds started to regulate that? What is going on inside my ovaries?!?!? Are the supplements likely to help with our future IVF cycles or is this whole thing an exercise in futility?

Don’t get me wrong, if this works….I’ll be over the moon. Obviously. I’ll buy everyone I see a drink and cigar. It’s just hard to imagine that after all the heavy artillery and hard core medical help we gave our reproductive systems during IVF that 2 little pills at bedtime will be any help at all. After all, we did ICSI – they actually took one of his sperm and injected it into my egg. If his sperm are too ADHD to find my egg in a petri dish how are they ever going to navigate my uterus and fallopian tubes?

Give up? Not today!

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Musings, Results

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

DHEA, diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, IVF

I am at a loss. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m at the point where if I continue I’ll feel (and seem to most people) desperate beyond reason, unable to recognize and accept the truth.  But I’m not ready to give up.  Not yet.  We got pregnant, and on our first real try!  Yes, that pregnancy failed, and yes that may have been due to poor egg quality, but it may not have been.  Early miscarriages happen to many many many fertile women. All I need is that one healthy egg and a Dr. who will help us.  Like Yomicfit said in her comment – I need someone who will fight for me and my future children (Thank you, Yomicfit, for your kind words and for sharing your story).

So I’m going to try all the stuff that my first RE said I shouldn’t do. “Dr, can we do anything to improve our chances?”, “Don’t smoke or drink caffeine.”, “Um, right, I know, but what about DHEA? I’ve read that it’s used in many fertility clinics on women with DOR to improve egg quality”, “No, definitely don’t do that.  It’s unproven and it’s a hormone. You don’t want to mess around with your body chemistry.” (Side note-it was difficult not to laugh during that conversion. Don’t mess around with your body chemistry says the woman who prescribed me massive amounts of body chemistry altering hormones.) “Well Dr., what about that combination of melatonin, folic acid and myo inositol? I’ve read some studies that show that can help oocyte quality.”, “No, that’s extreme. If you want to feel like you’re doing something why don’t you get acupuncture. I don’t think it works but it certainly doesn’t hurt.”  (You know what’s extreme? Jabbing yourself w needles 5 times a day – thats extreme.  We’ve already crossed that line)

Now, I’m not a doctor (or at least, not that kind of doctor) so I’m not implying that I know better then her. Certainly reading a few journal articles and doing online research doesn’t qualify me to have much of an opinion.  She’s been doing this a long time and has a lot of experience and knowledge. But it seems to me that if we’re willing to pay the price (financially, physically and mentally) shouldn’t she be open to alternative options, especially when they’re often used by other clinics? Perhaps she can’t support them in her official role but couldn’t she offer some kind of guidance rather then just “I’m sorry, we can no longer help you?”.

So, ok.  I’m going to do acupuncture, and yoga.  I’m also going to find a clinic that is more progressive and willing to try alternative actions that may help improve our chances. After all what’s it going to do, decrease my fertility?  HA! 

As we were leaving our appointment she told us to go see Dr. Schoolcraft, that she didn’t know what he did but he had success with difficult patients.  Well I’ve read all about Dr. Schoolcraft now, exchanged messages with many of his previous and current patients.  You know what he does (besides having the best lab in the world)? He tries new things. He has his patients who have run out of other options try alternative medicines. He prescribes DHEA, melatonin, folic acid and myo inositol. I am happy to be an experiment. If it will help me have a baby and/or help doctors learn more to help other people have babies then I’m in.

I don’t know if this stuff will work. But I don’t know how to stop trying either.  I can’t let go of my vision of my life so easily. I won’t walk away just because one person told me it’s hopeless.  It’s hopeless when I say it is, goddamnit!

Broken

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Musings

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, IVF, poor responder

We had the follow-up appointment with our RE yesterday. We were expecting some discussion about the miscarriage, a reassessment of protocol and a general good feeling – after all, we managed to get pregnant on our first complete IVF.  That’s good right?

Apparently not.

She told us she was sorry things didn’t work, I just wasn’t a good candidate for IVF and that unless I was ready to try donor eggs there wasn’t much else she could do for me. I was floored. Stunned. Crushed. I couldn’t even speak.  S told her that wasn’t what we were expecting, we weren’t ready to give up yet, after all it was our first real IVF cycle.  She said that, no, it was our 3rd cycle, I was a very poor responder and they couldn’t justify the risks of an egg retrieval and all the meds for so few follicles. She was very sorry and did we mind if she took this call from her daughter? She was clearly too busy to argue with us about my reproductive future. No time to discuss how all of my plans for children and a family, grandchildren for my mother, siblings for my step-daughter, were now in shambles. No time for that. As we were leaving she did mention that if we insisted on continuing we could see Dr. Schoolcraft at  CCRM in Denver. That she didn’t know how he did it but he had some success with “difficult” patients. Apparently I am now a “difficult” patient, a “very poor responder”.

I’ve been crying for almost 20 straight hours. At noon today I had to pick myself up off the floor, wash my face and put on my big girl pants to go have a meeting with my Ph.D advisor. Walking around at work I felt like I had to hold myself very, very still. Like if I moved too fast I’d lose the tenuous hold I had on my self-control. It’s like I’m made of delicate Venetian glass and if I move too fast I’ll shatter into a thousand pieces.

I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t know how to bear this.

I never wanted a huge house. I never daydreamed about my wedding. I never worried about who I would marry. But I have been naming my children since I was 8 years old. I have imagined being pregnant a 1000 times. I have imagined what my babies would look like, how their fingers would be shaped, if they would have my smile. Since I met my husband I have spent at least some part of everyday daydreaming about our children – his nose with my hair? His height and my eyes? I have thought about what Christmas would be like, things I would do for birthdays.  And now that’s just gone?  Forever?

Would it be different if I hadn’t waited until I was 34 to start trying? Are my degrees, my career, worth not having kids?  I didn’t realize that was the deal I was making.  I thought I was being responsible, waiting til I was ready. What is the purpose of my life now?  Work?

And my husband. Oh god my husband. Because he choose to be with me he will never have more children, which he desperately wants. Because he picked me his life is less.

I can’t give my parents grandchildren. I can’t give my husband a child. I will never have a real family of my own.

I feel like such a failure.

Let’s talk about numbers

09 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by mybrokenoven in Musings

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

diminished ovarian reserve, dominant follicle, IUI, IVF, statistics

This whole game – IVF, IUI, mini-IVF etc. – is about numbers.  Going in to the IVF process we were told we had about a 35% chance of conceiving if everything goes swimmingly.  That sounded pretty good.  If I had a 35% chance of winning the lottery I’d play.  But slowly I begin to realize that everything was NOT going swimmingly.  Despite being on the maximum amount of follicle stimulating drugs I only produced 10 follicles, which reduced to 6, which reduced to 4 plus one gigantic monster follicle called a dominant follicle.  That makes me a “poor responder” to the meds which reduces my chances of having lots of eggs and/or of having healthy eggs.  Having a dominant follicle is also bad, since it kills off other follicles, further reducing my chances of conception.

Suddenly, I found myself looking at the numbers in a different way.  A 35% chance (if everything is perfect, which it’s not) is actually 65% chance of not conceiving.  Given my circumstances my odds are reduced to let’s say 15%.  That’s an 85% chance of NO BABY.

No one talks about this.  I’ve stalked around TTC boards for a long long time and they’re populated with success story after success story – and that’s wonderful.  I’m honestly happy for those folks and think that those boards are a fantastic resource.  BUT.  You begin to notice that many (if not most) of the people that posted often with updates, stories and experiences just….faded away.  BFN after BFN.  Cancelled cycle after cancelled cycle.  Heartbreak after heartbreak.

We all think we’re special.  That we’re gonna be the one to beat the odds.  Maybe that’s true, but as I sit here the night before my first IUI staring down the barrel of a 92% chance of failure I am all too aware that the odds are not in my favor.

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