I’ve done yoga for a long time but have stopped going over the last year or so – after all of the doctors appointments and meds there wasn’t much extra time or money. On the advice from my RE and for my own personal health and sanity I decided to make it a priority again and have gone several times in the last 2 weeks. However, I haven’t gone to my normal yoga studio but have been trying out my friends favorite places. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, try something new and spend some quality time with people I’ve been neglecting as a result of all the…well…all of…this. I did hot Bikram yoga (which was THE WORST THING EVER) and a yin flow class and then a beginners mediation/yin class. And I learned some things that I’d like to share.
First, tennis balls are excellent for massage. Also, yin flow is awesome for the body and the spirit. I highly recommend it. But anyway, while I was in one of the yin classes we were laying on our backs clearing our minds and focusing on our breathing. (It had been a hard day -2 of my acquaintances had babies the day before and my email was flooded with pictures. It made me feel like a bad person and a a bad friend that I was so upset and jealous as a result of their happiness, but I was.) So, I was laying on the floor thinking about my breathing and doing my best to clear my mind when it occurred to me – just breathe in……and breathe out. In and Out.
So many times in the past few months I’ve felt so shattered, and I’ve wondered how I will bear it. How will I handle telling my family? How will I bear their disappointment? How will I bear my husbands loss? How will I bear the idea (much less the reality) of not having children? I felt completely overwhelmed and unprepared (and possibly unable) to accept it. Maybe ever. I truly thought “I don’t know how to BE with this knowledge I don’t know how to begin to accept it.” But as I was laying there on the floor in yoga it hit me – all I have to do is keep breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Not an epiphany for most, I know. But just the idea that I don’t have to DO anything – I don’t have to hide my sadness, or fix my “problem”, that I don’t have to have all of the answers right now or consider all of the alternatives, try all the medicines, go to all the doctors, read all the articles, make all of the life changing decisions – that as long as I just keep breathing in and out I will be ok, was profound to me. It was such a relief. It made me feel like maybe there was enough – enough time, enough energy, enough love, enough strength. And I felt that tight knot in the center of myself loosen a little bit.
I don’t believe that time heals all wounds, lord knows I have some old wounds that feel mighty fresh. But I do believe that we adjust – we change our reality, our expectations and our outlook. What we can’t overcome, we accept. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not yet ready to accept infertility and give up on having my own children, but I feel like … I don’t know. That I’ve found a little peace. That I’ve started to forgive myself some. That I’m coming to accept the idea that this could be my reality now, and that will be ok.