Tag Archives: AMH

It’s official – it’s over.

23 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by in Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), IVF, Musings, Results

≈ 6 Comments

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url-1So much for my big talk about accepting the reality of the situation and letting go.

I just talked to my clinic and got my blood results from a few weeks back – my AMH is 0.15, FSH is 7.71 and Estrodial is 108, which means I officially fall into the category of “unsuitable for IVF”. I always thought IVF was the last resort and here I am once again contemplating what you do when you’re too far gone even for the last resort to be an option.

I thought I was prepared for this. I knew it would be hard, but I thought I was ready for the finality of it. Turns out I’m not. There was one last shred of secret hope growing in my heart like a tough and hardy weed, and tearing it out has reopened the wound and I am drowning.

It’s so unfair. It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have learned the course of this grief by now – this pain has a road map. I know I’ll spend the rest of the day huddled into myself, quietly crying and trying to hold it all together. The night will pass sleeplessly as I’m washed with waves of guilt and anger and loss. (Thank god my husband is out of town. He’s seen this scene a few too many times now, and it makes him feel helpless and alone). Tomorrow will pass in a  gray haze of sadness and the next day, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to start trying to rebuild myself and incorporate this new knowledge into my new self concept. The knowledge that I am barren. At 36. That I carried one child that was my own flesh and blood, I lost it, and that I’ll never have that chance again.

I know I’m extremely lucky, that I have my sister and that she is willing to donate her eggs to us. But right now I think I’m just going to let myself mourn for all that I’ve lost – today, and through this whole process. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to be brave again.

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Donor soul?

31 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in CCRM, IVF, Musings

≈ 8 Comments

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So much has happened that I don’t know where to start. This isn’t the beginning but it’ll have to do for now.

As I’m driving with my sister over the holidays she casually asks what our next steps are going to be with the fertility stuff. I briefly fill her in on not being able to afford CCRM, my new AMH (CCRM called on Dec 21 and told me my AMH had fallen to <0.1 – Merry Christmas, you’ll never have children!), that I’m feeling lost and hopeless, that I’m starting to consider adoption. She’s quiet for a minute and then she says “I don’t know how you’d feel about this, but assuming everything is fine with my reproductive system, I’d like to donate my eggs to you. I’ve looked into it, I know what’s involved. The shots, the 60-70 hours of doctor visits, the procedures. After all, we have the same DNA. We could do it this July, if you want.” I promptly start bawling. It was such a kind, selfless, incredible gesture. I couldn’t (and can’t) wrap my head around it. Here’s my baby sister – the one I tormented, teased, played with, fought with – offering to give me the greatest gift in the world. offering to go through a good deal of trouble and pain and suffering to help me fulfill my dream. Offering to allow me to carry and to raise a child – her child, OUR child. I can’t put my thoughts (much less my feelings) into words. If her kidneys were failing I would donate her one of mine without a second thought. This felt like her offering to give me a part of her soul, because she could see that my soul was failing.

S was equally shocked and awed by the offer and ultimately has left the decision up to me. I don’t know if we’ll take her up on it, we very well might. What I do know is that the gaping black hole of despair and hopelessness that I’ve been carrying around inside of me has shrunk. The edge of the abyss has retreated. I am forcefully reminded that my life is good – I have people who love me, family who will do anything to help me. I am reminded that infertility doesn’t define me – I am greater than the sum of my ovaries. I also realize that I need 2 children, because wow, everybody needs a sister.

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