Tags
diminished ovarian reserve, Infertility, infertility crisis, infertility success, IVF, IVF success, PCOS, PCOS success
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the different reactions people have to infertility.
For me, I had a total existential crisis. It shook the foundation of my world. I had absolutely bought into the idea that if I tried hard enough I could accomplish anything, and for the most part that had been true for me. So the idea that I couldn’t have a baby, a thing that most people did with ease, shook me to the core. And then couple that with the want and the need and the desire to have a family… I was devastated.
Contrast that with my friend K. She was diagnosed with DOR and did IVF 3 times. She was disappointed each time that the cycle failed but she certainly wasn’t devastated. And after the 3rd failure she quickly and cheerfully moved on and she and her husband now have 2 beautiful daughters through adoption.
And then there’s G. She was diagnosed with PCOS and started the injections and the monitoring but firmly insisted throughout the process that what she was doing was not ANYTHING like what I had to do during my IVF cycles. This despite the fact that she was doing EXACTLY what I had to do, only without the retrieval and fertilization part. (Granted, that’s a big difference but still). She got pregnant and now has a lovely little girl. In retrospect, she admits that she didn’t want to admit that what we had to do was the same because IVF sounded so sad and broken and scary that she wanted to distance herself from the very idea of it, the very idea that she might need it.
And then there’s P. She and her husband tried to get pregnant for about 2 years. Then they sat down, had a heart to heart, and decided that if it happened that was ok and that if it didn’t that was ok too. She’s 43 and unlikely to get pregnant now and she’s totally ok with that. No crisis, no medical intervention, just acceptance.
Of course it’s totally natural and expected that everyone will have a different reaction and choose a different path. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around because it was so difficult for me personally. I’m not really sure what my point is with this musing, except to highlight the fact that if you’re dealing with infertility whatever reaction you’re having is ok. It may feel like the world is ending but it may also not feel like a big deal. And that’s alright. What you’re feeling is valid and don’t you ever let anyone tell you it’s not.
Hope is something you pee on 
Thank you so much for this post. I followed a few blogs related to donor eggs and I haven’t come across someone like myself that quickly moved to donor eggs after told my quality and quantity were crap to donor egg. I felt like I knew I just wanted a baby and since my husband didn’t want to adopt this was the answer. I haven’t had any doubts or strange feelings about how I had my daughter. I was beginning to think I was strange or surpressing some deep emotions….but nope. Honestly I feel lucky. Thanks for making me feel okay that I’m okay.
Glad it was helpful! I honestly think there are a lot of people out there that feel like you do, but for them there’s very little motivation to write about it or share it because it wasn’t painful or traumatic, you know what I mean? I end up talking about infertility and treatment A LOT so I hear a lot of stories that fall into the “it was a thing, it was kinda rough, we did x, y or z and it turned out great!” category. Your feelings are totally valid sister, and congrats on your daughter!
This is spot on. I also had worked hard for everything and just worked harder when things got tougher. IVF was such a shock and the lack of control led to anxiety. I have 2 wonderful children now but having the second led to near divorce and breakdown as i just couldn’t stop without another child. I envy those that can be at peace with 0 or 1 child. I would love a third child but im trying to be rational now rather than desperate. I would have chopped my own arm off for baby 1 and 2. Im scarred by IVF. Im a different person totally. Theres no blank slate to start from when its all over. I thought this article was great as it shows thats normal for more people than just me. Thankyou 🙂
Hi Kerry, thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you had such a difficult time. I totally understand not being able to let go of the drive to have another child – we have our twins (and my stepdaughter full-time) but I still want to have another. We have 3 in the freezer and it seems so wasteful to not have them all after I worked so so so so hard for them. And you’re absolutely right – we aren’t the people we were before. We were betrayed by our bodies. We had our world view totally altered. For some of us at least, it was a brutal process. But we made it girl, we did it. Cheers to us. ❤
Thanks for your reply. Sadly we were let down by my husbands sperm. We managed our first child using his sperm and ICSI but tried so long for #2 using his sperm i got so old we had to use donor egg and donor sperm to have our second child. They are both wonderful children and i wouldnt want to change them but some days i feel so down about it all. I hate how everyone thinks were a success story when we made such a compromise to complete our family and it will always be with us as we will tell our son about the donors and we dont know how he will react. I feel let down by my husband, my clinics and my own stupid decisions. Ive been a stay home mum for 4 years and my youngest is now nearly 1 so im wandering if i should go back to work to get the old me back – where possible. Being a stay home mum has been the best thing ever but its so hard. Im surrounded by people getting pregnant from a romp with hubbie and now im an older mum looking after 2 young kids and wanting more. Its not how it was supposed to be. Just a rough day i hope. I do think im beginning to see the sparks of the old me coming back – that fighting spirit. Really wish it would hurry up x
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I struggle with similar feelings sometimes. It sounds like going back to work would be a good and healthy decision for you. I know I lost myself in infertility and now I feel like if I’m not 100% mother all the time I’m doing a disservice to my children and my process. But your kids deserve to have a happy and fulfilled mother, and you’re the only one that can give them that! A job might help you to get some of that back and find value outside of motherhood, which, let’s be honest here, is a mixed bag (especially when coupled with the baggage of infertility). Best of luck to you friend. It’s a hard roe to how but I believe in you! If you can survive infertility you can survive this too! xo