I need to vent.
I am at my wits end. Here are the cliff notes – I am 3 months pregnant with DE conceived twins, trying to finish my Ph.D (I defend in April), nursing my 12 year old dog who has cancer and raising my 8 year old step-daughter by myself. Oh yes, and don’t forget the financial difficulties, because IVF and custody lawyers aren’t cheap.
I’ve talked about my step-daughter before, and her mother. As a quick recap, I’ve known A since she was 4, and she’s almost 9 now. Her father and I married when she was 6 and we’ve had her weekends, holidays and most of the summer ever since then. Her mother has been mentally declining for the last several years which culminated in us being given emergency custody and then full-custody last November. Since then her mother has checked herself into a mental hospital and is now living in a step-house sober-living facility. There will shortly be a warrant issued for her arrest, because in Dec she tried to burn down her fathers home (A’s grandfather) with him inside. She did several hundred thousand dollars worth of damage.
First, I knew when I married my husband that he had a child. I thought that was a bonus – instant family. Oh, the naiveté! I was fully committed to our schedule of weekends, holidays and summers, and to being a step-mother. When it became clear that her mother was unfit and dangerous I agreed that we should try to get full custody. Not because that was what I wanted, but because I thought that was what was best for the child. And let me be clear, after the first custody hearing in Sept. I admitted to my husband that I believed the best possible outcome would be that the unfit mother would see the error of her ways and correct her behavior. I hoped A would continue to stay with her but be in a better and safer situation. I admitted that I had secretly hoped we wouldn’t get custody. He agreed with me. We didn’t get custody (turns out it was because we didn’t file a “move away” form).
When we found out in Nov about the craziness (evictions, moving in with men her mother meet days before, not attending school, drunk driving, drug overdoses, etc) I absolutely agreed we needed to get her out of the situation. I was relieved when the judge gave us custody. I care about A, she’s a good kid and I want her to be safe and happy.
But, when I agreed to full custody what I was agreeing to was 75% time. The arrangement we used to have, only reversed. We would have her during the week and her mother would have her weekends, holidays and summers. We would get a break. I would have time for myself, and time with my husband. But her mother has been declared an unfit parent, and was awarded 4 hours of supervised visitation every other weekend, which she has not exercised. So we have her all the time – 365 24/7.
AND, my husbands new job (his dream job, the one he got which meant I had to sacrifice MY dream job) requires him to travel. And, it requires him to travel much MUCH more than he stated it would when he took it (I was concerned, so we discussed it). And by travel a lot, what I’m saying is that in the last 3 weeks he’s been home 4 nights. Which means that I’m basically a single parent to A. I did not sign up for this. I am ashamed to say this, but I am angry and resentful of her. All of the tender feelings and easy laughs and happy snuggles are gone. I do my best to not show it (we go to the zoo, get our nails done, I take her to cheerleading and play dates blah blah blah) but I have come to dislike her – or more accurately, I am so frustrated and disillusioned by the situation that it bleeds over into how I feel about her.
She is a good kid, but she is not an easy child. Constant whining, temper tantrums if she doesn’t get her way, acting out. She absolutely can not play by herself and most of the neighborhood kids won’t play with her anymore because she’s so bossy and demanding. She doesn’t exhibit age appropriate behaviors (this has been a struggle for a long time). A lot of my home time is consumed with struggles of trying to get her to use a fork to eat (forget about using a knife), wash and brush her own hair, get herself dressed and undressed, do her homework…all to the constant whine of “My mom always did my homework… My mommy brushes my hair… My mommy used to dress me.” and my personal favorite “My mommy says I don’t have to do anything because I’m a little angel” (Did I mention that she’s almost 9?). I understand that a lot of this is a reaction to her circumstances and the things she’s been through, but a lot of it is just plain old bad parenting. She was never taught to use a fork and knife. She was never expected to dress herself. Mostly, she’s just plain old spoiled rotten. And while I am more than willing to help, what has happened is that I have become the only person who is parenting her because my husband is very little help, even when he is around. He’s afraid to parent her. He doesn’t know HOW to parent her. As soon as she pushed back he gives in. He is still so consumed with guilt over the divorce, her mother, and who knows what that he allows her to walk all over him. We’ve had endless discussions about boundaries and setting rules and how he needs to back me up but ultimately, he doesn’t. To make matters worse I’ve asked him over and over to send A to her grandparents every other weekend (she wants to go and they want her to come) so that I can have a break, so that we can spend some time together but he says “No, I miss her and want to see her.” Of course, he’s usually only around for part of one day, and then I have her for the rest of the time.
It got to the point on Thursday that I called him and told him that if things didn’t change I was going to move back home with my parents after my defense, and finish out my pregnancy there. He reluctantly agreed to send her to his parents next weekend, and for one weekend in March. But 2 weekends away do not a bad situation change. It’s a start, but I’m doubtful. (Have I mentioned that he and I have not had a single night alone since the end of Sept despite multiple unfulfilled promises of babysitters and date nights?)
I recognize that many of these things are the result of the circumstances and aren’t anyone’s fault. And the worst part is that I don’t see any acceptable way out of the situation. Her mother is likely going to prison – for a really long time. So it looks like we (I) have her, 24/7 365, indefinitely. My husband can’t/won’t leave his job, and he has to travel. All the time. Which means soon it’s going to be me, A and 2 infants – alone. All the time. This is not what I want. This is not a situation that I am willing to maintain.
I understand how terrible this all sounds. I understand that it makes me sounds like a bad and selfish person. As my mother told me before I divorced my first husband “Marriage isn’t about love, it’s about commitment. You made your bed, now lie in it.” Maybe I did. I knew he had baggage – an ex and a child. I knew it would be difficult. But I didn’t expect this. I dread going home every day and find any excuse that I can to stay at the office late, or get out of the house (when that’s an option). I lock myself in my closet or in the storage shed just to get a few moments of peace. As soon as my husband gets home from a trip I find any excuse to leave. I know I’m not being as good a parent and role model to her as I used to be, as I could be. To be honest, it is taking everything I have to just exist in the situation right now. The idea that it will go on indefinitely, with no respite, feels untenable and utterly unsustainable. And I don’t see any way out.
Hope is something you pee on 
My heart goes out to you. I have not been in your position, but a similar one. One solution I found was to hire a young sitter to come play with the kids while I decompressed at the house. I paid her well to encourage her to keep working for me. She even helped the kids with homework time. That 12 yr old girl was a life saver for me. When I took the kids places, I took her along to help out. She got to partake in the activities and get paid at the same time. Another solution I did out of desperation. I bought the kids computers and signed them up for safe kids play sites (Jump Start, Club Penguin).
Please continue to fake the love for your stepdaughter. Hug her and tell her that you love her. She needs that.
I really can’t imagine this! I hope things get sorted before the babies arrive.
I’d say a good family therapist sounds in order. This is a HUGE change, for all three of you. Having you and your husband on the same page is key to it’s success. I would say, there needs to be a shift where you are able to make decisions for the girl without asking your husband’s permission. You are her primary caregiver, you need to be able to decide things for her care, like sending her to her grandparents for the weekend when you decide it works best. If your husband can’t allow you that decision making power, you will stay in a tough spot and will remain feeling taken advantage of. If he wants the decision making power, he needs to get a job that doesn’t require him to be away weeks and week on end. I’ve had friends in very similar situations. It is not easy. You need HELP, and you need guidance from professional and you need your husband to respect your parenting of his daughter. Your feelings are valid, don’t ignore them. Good luck, you are a strong woman!
Oh wow, as i read i was picturing how your life is and can’t even imagine how you are holding it together. Her father has only been home 4 nights in 3 weeks!? Um no. I don’t blame you for being at your wits end at all. I would be. Yes, you signed up for this to an extent but not as a single parent essentially. How is it that mom and even husband get to leave you with the mess they have created? On the other hand, bless your heart for being there for that little girl. Because of you she might eventually turn into a functioning and likeable adult some day. Hang in there and sorry to hear about your doggy. That’s hard.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in such a tough position. You’re right, things continuing like they are is unsustainable, and it sound like you and your husband need to find you some help, whether it’s him, grandparents, or a babysitter. Everybody needs a break now and then, and it will only make you a better parent to your stepdaughter. Big hugs. I hope you get this figured out soon!
Yea you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. I have a similar situation at my home. I end up doing 95% of the parenting with my stepson because my job makes me more available during the day. My husband has a very hard time holding boundaries and I’m constantly the bad guy. It has gotten so bad (my stepson is a difficult teenager who is developing a drug problem like his biological mom) that I’m actually head to toe in hives from all the stress (in combo with my bad thyroid, thank you Hashimoto’s). My therapist finally just told me I have to completely remove myself from dealing with my stepson day to day and let my husband parent alone for a while. In the end, even though we love them, we aren’t the biological parent and sometimes we just have to wave the white flag and say tag you’re it, I’m done. It isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. You can’t be the parent they need if you are so emotionally stressed. It isn’t healthy for you and it isn’t healthy for your stepchild. I began resenting my stepson because I felt like my husband wouldn’t want another child because of his bad behavior (mainly because he had specifically said that he doesn’t think another child would be worth all this stress). I think all parents need a break sometimes biological or not and it’s hard enough raising your own kids let alone someone else’s who hasn’t been raised properly. You have to separate your resentment towards the mother (and even your husband) from the child and sometimes you can’t do that without stepping away from the situation and giving yourself a break to take care of your own mental health and stability. Wave that flag lady, tell your husband he needs to step in for you.
I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this during your pregnancy with twins and PhD defense. No parent–biological or step–can deal with a child like that 24/7 without cracking. A 9 year old should be much more independent. It’s not her fault because her mother didn’t raise her right, but the situation can’t go on like this. Does your insurance cover counseling for her? I think she really needs it. Also, if your husband is going to continue to travel, he needs to agree to more weekends when his daughter visits his parents. Once the babies are born, you won’t be able to entertain her all the time, and she’ll probably act out. You will also need time alone with your babies! If he can’t/won’t quit his job, he needs to stop treating you like the babysitter and realize that you need a break.
First, I’m sorry you’re struggling (understandably). Second, I can relate though my story is different than yours, my husband has two older kids from a prior marriage with a woman who is ill but high functioning and toxic beyond belief (in addition to infantilizing her kids like A’s mother). Third, it does not sound terrible. It sounds real – exasperating, exhausting,heartbreaking and sad, yes. Terrible? I wouldn’t say so.
I don’t have any great advice, but just stumbled across your blog and wanted to say “great blog” and “thanks for sharing your story” but this post spoke to me and I wanted to say “you’re not alone” though I know that doesn’t really help on the ground. Wishing you all the best with your babies and the challenges with A, hubby’s new job, and trying to juggle it all while in hormone overdrive (because that can only make this stuff easier, right?).
I just stumbled upon your blog. And I hope you don’t mind me chiming in. Someone suggested a family therapist, and I think that’s about high time. Seems like you are already having a hard time with this girl and it’s not going to get any better when the new babies around. You are doing this to help her, not to do her harm. Just one little question, how is you relationship with your in-laws? I mean, it’s just that if you are trying to get her more independent then you should be able to talk to them about this so you are going towards similar goals. I can understand why you want her to go there for a weekend, but if they resume the things her mom did for her it’ll only make it harder on you when she returns home.
As for the babysitting, I don’t know where you live, but maybe there’s a girl with an interest in education/child care who is willing to help you out a few times a day. Over here I know people who put out calls in colleges to find someone who’s studying special care (needed in these instances) to help out. Sometimes that works. Are there weekend places you can take her? If you find a therapist you might be able to discuss this with a therapist (or any other instance). Over here there are places that take kids for short term (like a weekend) so you have some free time. I would really start looking into all this and discuss this with your partner as it’ll be hard on you, the pregnancy and then having 2 little ones around.
Someone mentionned your husband having to be around more. If he wants to keep the job he just needs to agree on help. It’ll make his time with his daughter nicer and more productive too. Even if he, in de end, looks for another job you still might have to look for (psychological) help for this girl. She had to deal with a lot and even if you try really hard you need to look for help. I don’t know what your profession is, but even a health care professional would have to look for outside help as you still need to be able to be her (step)mom in the end.
Hope I wasn’t to straight-forward here. I’m not in a similar situation but I do work in health care. Please keep well!