Donor Egg Bank insists on anonymous donations only.
Called my husband and told him and he said that my “unrealistic expectations and inability to compromise would keep us from ever having a family”. !!! Inability to compromise? I have compromised on everything! EVERYTHING. Unrealistic expectations? All I want is someone who kind of resembles me, and for them to be willing to possibly speak to a kid in 18 years. That’s unrealistic? I’ve given up the idea we can make a baby like everyone else. I’ve given up time, money, health, financial security and sanity to do IVF. I’ve given up the idea of ever having a biological child of my own. I’ve given up the idea of using my sisters eggs and having a biological connection that way. I am not willing to give up anything else. And I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, unrealistic or uncompromising. And I’m devastated that he thinks that.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Picking an egg donor is hands down the worst experience I have had in all this. It is so emotional. It was worse than my actual POF diagnosis. It makes you face the fact every second that you will not be your own egg donor. Not to mention it is just plain weird. And partners have no idea how to help. You are right – you have already compromised on everything. Not having a baby the old fashioned way. Not having a baby with your own eggs. And now your autonomy is being taken away even more because of policies. We should not have to deal with this shit. So make some time to just be mad and feel sorry for yourself. Then you will be able to prioritize as far as the agency and donor options and maybe find an agency that meats your needs, or consider a known donor or even compromise. But make sure you take time to be pissed off that this is happening to you. It helps me to take that time, especially when choosing a donor.
I wish I had some advice. I don’t. Just sympathy. Sorry you are going through this.
What a crushing blow, made worse by the fact that your husband just doesn’t get it. When you cant have your bio child you have given up everything. Ask him to try and imagine how he would feel if you needed donor sperm instead. Maybe that will help? Regardless I get it and you are totally not being unreasonable. AT ALL.
I’m so sorry one more damn thing isn’t going like you thought it would. I hope there is a solution for this, for you, for your husband, and for your future child. Sending hugs.
I am so sorry… about the news from the donor bank and your husband’s response. I don’t know anything about your DH, but I can say my DH just wants me to be happy from the bottom of his toes and with POF so much is unhappy. DE is an awesome option but there are some difficult parts to it. When I was going back and forth on DE, he would get frusterated with me and and express it in not the best ways at times. But it came from a place of love. And the good news is that I am now 100% excited about DE. It just too me longer than DH to get there.
As for the clinic’s response. I can tell you that I have read much of the academic research on DE children and outcomes. (There is not much so this is less impressive than it sounds.) But, I was shocked at how little information children wanted from their donors. I thought all kids would want to meet their donor. It turns out many kids who can meet the donor don’t want to do so. (I would have to go back to the papers, to get the exact number. But, I think it was 50/50ish). And of those kids who want information on the donor – it is things like a photo, some idea of their interests, their medical background. All stuff you will have even with an anonymous donor. (If you are interested, email me and I will send you the papers.)
The other idea is maybe you can get around this when you do the contract. The contract is between you and the donor and your lawyers (not the clinic). (I did a contract with an agency, so I am extrapolating from my experience, but I don’t expect the clinic will have to sign off on this.) In your case, the clinic donor will probably have a clinic lawyer. But, if you ask your lawyer to ask something of the donor (via her lawyer), mabye they will. If there is anyway for you to get the donor a non-clinic lawyer, then it seems you definitely could ask her via the lawyers. Of course she may say no, but you could at least try.
Also, at my clinic, I saw the same pychologist who did the donor screenings. I asked her how the donor felt about future contact and she told me a lot.
Finally, the donor-sibling registry (DSR)? This is not the same as open contact with the donor but the child could know 1/2 siblings. Then, if the donor later wanted contact, she could find you this way. (I think, I haven’t looked into the DSR that much.)
You have been through so much, I wish this was smoother. You have every right to be sad and upset. After everything, shouldn’t something work easily? there are some clinics that have in house “open contact” donors but then you would likely have to travel and compromise on looks/background. Agency donors are so crazy expensive. I am sorry this is all so difficult. I found picking a donor to be the hardest part. I ended up going with someone who doesn’t look much like me but I look so different from my husband, I am not sure it matters much in our specific case.
Bachelor's Button said:
Frustrating re databank, but that sounds like the sort of thing my husband wd snap at me when tired and grumpy, and he wd then regret it an hour later. Two thoughts on this. 1) Is a trip to Europe for some ivf tourism out of the question? You can opt for physical attributes in clinics here. And 2) have you read about ivf and donor egg epigenetics? I have two friends that have produced donor egg babies and they honestly do resemble them in certain ways. I think our bodies are able to influence that single cell that is put into us in some ways (they think height and skin tone currently). There is also of course no guarantee that a baby will resemble us anyway. I popped out a blue eyed blonde tall skinny baby due to iCsi but am (as is husband) short and dark…!
ahhh, hey girl, this shit is insanely stressful and i want you to know that i am out here, feeling you. it’s certainly okay to have boundaries! to know what you want, and what you don’t want. and if you can hold out, i don’t doubt you will come across the situation you feel comfortable with eventually. it just might take more time. i hope your husband can navigate patience with you. xoxoxo