I’m going to try to be as honest about this as I can, which is going to be hard because it doesn’t cast me in a very good light. I know the things I’m going to say will make me seem selfish and petty. And the truth is there are great parts to being a step-mother, lots and lots of wonderful parts. But so far there are no easy parts to being an infertile step-mother.
First, a little background. I met the girl who would become my step-daughter after her dad and I had been dating for 6 months. She was 4 1/2 then, and she’ll turn 8 this May. I truly do love her. She’s a good kid – bright, sweet, energetic and funny. Her mother has issues with drugs and alcohol and has recently been diagnosed with a (treatable) mental illness. She is very disruptive in our lives on a daily basis, even when we don’t have the child.
We discovered that I have DOR in April, and as of Dec my AMH has fallen to the point where it’s unlikely I’ll ever have children of my own.
Anyway, we have my stepdaughter every weekend as well as every holiday and all summer. Here are the problems –
- I know that she isn’t mine. Implicit in that is the fact that she could be removed from my life at any time, and I would have no recourse. To make matters worse her mother tells her things like “You don’t have to listen to her, she’s not your real family.”
- She hasn’t been raised the way I would raise a child. She is sweet by nature and that’s her saving grace, because she has been spoiled and babied by everyone in her life. When she is with us over the summer we have structure, routine and rules. However, rules are very difficult to keep when we only have her part-time, when her father is overwhelmed with guilt because of the divorce and thus caves to every demand, and when her mother tells her she “is a precious angel who never should have to lift a finger for her evil step-mother”. (Literally, she said that word for word) *eye roll*
- She is a constant reminder of all I want and can’t have, as well as a reminder that another woman (and a very difficult woman) was able to give my husband something that I never will be able to give him.
The first two points I can deal with. We’re working on her behavior (which is not her fault, she’s a child. It’s the fault of the adults in her life) and I’m working hard to build a relationship with her that will endure regardless. But I can’t get past point 3.
Some days are fine. And there are some days when I’m really low and feeling beaten down by the whole infertility process and I just can’t be around her. I see her and I’m angry and jealous and envious and sad. I’m angry because my husband doesn’t fully understand how hard it is for me because, as he says when he’s trying to comfort me, “He already has A”. I’m jealous that this hateful, mean, spiteful woman was able to have a child and I can’t. And she doesn’t nurture her, or protect her, or set a good example for her. She exposes her to dangerous people and situations. She uses her as a bargaining chip – self proclaimed “leverage” both with us and with all other involved parties (grandparents, aunts, etc). And I’m angry at myself, because here is a child in my life (and all I want is a child) and I can’t just be grateful. I want her to be enough, and she’s not. And that makes me feel like a terrible person. A hateful, mean, bitter person.
I do my best to never, by word or deed, let her know how I feel. I try to be understanding about my husbands guilt, her mother’s mental illness, the difficult situation we are all in. I try to be a good example, a good influence, a positive force in her life. I try to be gentle with myself – to allow myself the bad feelings for a time and then put them aside. And it wears me out. The honest to god truth, and perhaps the moral of this story, is that it is very difficult to care for someone else’s child when you’re mourning the loss of your own.
Hope is something you pee on 
but you’re not a bad person in any way—you are human. i would feel the same way. exactly.
I don’t think you sound selfish or petty at all. I think your feelings are completely normal. I would feel the same way. It’s a complicated situation to say the least.
I nominated you for the Liebster award.
http://overworkedovaries.blogspot.com/2013/01/kimberly-from-no-good-eggs-and-julia.html
That’s amazing! Thanks so much JenS!!
You are in a difficult situation. No judgment here. Be encouraged and stay in faith. You never know just how this story will end.
I know my situation is quite different from yours but at some level it allows me to identify with much of what you are saying. We adopted an older child through foster care. He came to live with us when he was 8 and his adoption was final 18 months later. While he is now completely ours, he had eight years of being raised by another family, and a highly dysfunctional one. I’ve spent a lot of time grieving all that we missed with him, both experiences and opportunities for influence. Especially now, as he just turned 13, I feel a distance from him and difficulty with him that at some level is probably normal for any teen but is made more difficult by the fact that he did not start out in our family and not only that, he knows it and remembers. Hang in there. Do what you can. What you are feeling is normal and legitimate.
I don’t think that’s petty at all. I live with my step mother and it been quite a different situation, she never wanted children and hates us for being around, always trying to get rid of us. I guarantee it’ll better with your girl if you carry on loving her and don’t turn her mom into a villain, you’ll be a top friend and confidant as she gets older. I’m jealous!
Vimesypumpkin, that’s terrible! I’m sorry that you’re stuck in that situation. As the “parent” it’s her responsibility to make you feel safe, comfortable and loved. It sounds like you have a good attitude though. And thank you for the encouragement!
I am an infertile stepmom too and I know EXACTLY how you feel. My husband’s ex is a very sick woman (drug addict, bipolar, borderline personality, very manipulative, still obsessed with my husband after 13 years of being divorced). I’m a full time stepmom so I take on all the duties of their mother but still have the removal of not being their mom. It is really hard. We’ve been trying for almost 4 years now. I was recently diagnosed with endometriosis and DOR. I’m high risk to be a poor responder so I’m on the IVF vs adoption fence right now. Surrogacy wouldn’t work since my eggs are what suck…i’d rather adopt than use a donor egg at this point. Being an infertile stepparent is so insanely difficult. It is an emotional roller coaster mixed with love, joy, resentment, anger, lots of ‘can’t show my tears’ moments where you just want to scream, and my fave ‘don’t let the kids see my anger towards their mom’ moments where you have to suppress all emotions. I’d love to email with you. It would be great to have someone who knows how it is trying to co-parent with a difficult person and still cope with the loss of not being able to become the mother of your husband’s child. It’s a rare mix.
I sent you a PM a few days ago. It would be great to chat!
you have such strenght it what is clearly such a tough situation. don’t be too hard on yourself it looks like you’re doing a pretty amazing job.
I’m in the same boat except I have a stepson and to top it all off she announced she is pregnant with her boyfriend kid now after they have been dating for 4 months and my husband and I have been trying for 4 years
I basically started crying reading this. I felt like no one else could ever understand how i feel. And lo and behold. U do.
My boyfriend and i found out we were pregnant xmas morning 2013. We had been trying since april 2013. I was 10 weeks pregnant when i started bleeding on tuesday. Obg confirmed the miscarriage. It kills me soo deeply bc weve been trying for this. We wanted this. I put alll of my heart into this little itty bitty bean & before i knew it, it was gone.
He has a son, a beautiful 2 year old boy named avery. Whom i got the pleasure of watching grow up, l love him to death i treat him as i would treat my own.
But averys mother… A real piece of work. Before i came into the picture my boyfriend had adopted “her” ways of parenting, and this i know because even after i came in and put a stop to all of it, she still continues. he was given straight juice in a baby bottle and put to sleep with it, his top row of teeth are rotted and need caps, i cut up all of his food bc he cant chew with his front teeth. he suffers from constipation bc the mother feeds him mcdonalds day in and day out. He has no healthy food intake unless hes with us bc we dont eat fast food. We cook.
I would never chose to raise my child this way. And my boyfriend has learned alot from me and has become an amazing parent. He was always good with him affectionately and attentively. But certain red flags never popped bc he parented the way SHE does. She uses the baby against us, when shes mad she comes and gets him lalala. The whole bitter baby mother bit.
It kills me as how women that dont deserve to be parent, get the opportunity. And then there’s us, women that die to love a child and we get the shittiest end of the stick. This miscarriage could drive a wedge between my stepson and i, the same emotions you feel, i feel too. But we cant. Avery isnt my kid, but, hes my kid! I love him, I take care of him, I am the better mother without being the mother. These stepchildren would have nooo constant providing, genuine, loving, mother figure in their lives if it werent for US. Our inability to not have a child when we want one is hard, but its not our stepchildrens fault. We have to continue to love them and teach them thinggs their mothers wont. We’re only human, these emotions are completely normal, but we cant chose to let these emotions takeover a relationship weve worked hard to build with an innocent child. Im so with u on every emotion i know exactly how you feel, its FIGHTING those feelings. We cant lose faith in anything. Not god(if you are religious), not the relationship with our men or their children. I truly believe if we Keep faith, and continue to love these children god will bless us exactly when the time is right.
I’m in a very similar situation only I’m a full time stepmom to two boys. We have been going through all the tests for infertility and no diagnosis yet so I’m still hopeful. I share many of your feelings and frustrations. Would be great to have someone who understands what I’m going through, all kinds of support for step-mom and infer tiles but not much for infertile step-moms.
I know this is an older post. But I’m sobbing as I read this because this is pretty much exactly my current situation. Thank you so much for opening up. I don’t know you, but after reading your post, I don’t feel so alone and horrible for the feelings I have been having.
I understand completely, and my son’s real mom just gave birth to a child with an unknown baby daddy. Shot to the heart for sure. It’s awful and heartbreaking and makes my other wise ” hippy and caring ” self mad and bitter. I want to just crawl in a hole and die…but my heart will not stop hearting
I just started crying reading this. All of this is perfect. Point number three hits home. She gave him what I cannot and she wins. It is making me sick to think about it. I understand you. I am the same. I love my step son don’t get me wrong. But it is a very very hard and unexpected road we are travelling down.
It is an incredibly difficult road. I’m so sorry that you’re in the same situation. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you luck and strength on your journey. Stay strong, sister.
Thank you so much for your brutal honesty about life as an infertile stepmom. Reading your post made me feel like I was reading about myself. I’m a stepmom, my SD was 3 when I came into her life and is now 10 1/2. My DH and I tried the “old fashioned” way for a year, moved onto some testing, and eventually a year that included 6 medicated IUI cycles, this has been the past 4 years of our life. Mixed in there I had one very early miscarriage. We have now made the decision to move onto adoption, as I decided in the very beginning that IVF was personally not something I was open to. I can sympathize completely with your feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, and sadness. Since I was a little girl I’ve always dreamed of being a mommy, no little girl grows up dreaming of being a step mommy. Don’t get me wrong, I too love my stepdaughter very much, but her presence has definitely taken a difficult situation and made it that much worse and more difficult to handle. From having my IUI’s land on her weekend with us, to the financial aspect of child support while already strapped for cash for treatments, it’s all definitely been a bigger challenge. However, there was nothing more painful and difficult for me than to have to be “mom” for the weekend directly after a failed cycle, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. So without going on and on, I just want to say thank you, I’ve never read a post more closely alligned with my life situation, it made me feel a bit more normal today, so thank you!
Thank you for sharing your experience Jenny. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation – it’s just brutal. And you’re so right about the financial aspects and the toll that takes. I hope that whatever solution you and your husband come to will give you happiness and help to heal some these wounds. I ended up having twin boys as a result of egg donation (which I never in a zillion years thought I would do) and I’ve got to be honest, it’s still a process coming to terms with the situation. I love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but there’s still a lot of residual pain and frustration. I know you know what I mean. I wish you the best of luck with your journey, and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need to comisserate!
You’re not a bad person. It’s a hard thing to deal with.. my stepdaughter is 3 years old and I’ve been with her father since she was 6 months old. We’ve has a total of 4 miscarriages since we’ve been together and it just doesn’t seem like it’s ganna change. My stepdaughter knows me as mommy and I love her as I would my own. More than myself really but we have her pretty much full time and it’s very hard and hurts bad when I look at her and see her undeserving mother and know that I’m not able to give my husband a child a woman who didnt want to even be a mother was. It’s hard but, just keep faith and love in you heart and mind and it’ll get easier. It’s an everyday struggle for me, even harder because my bpd makes me so attached and afraid to lose the ones so close to me. But, I promise it’ll get better.
While struggling on this mother’s day that wasn’t, I found your post. I have 4 step children (23-17) The two younger ones have lived with us for the past 6 years. 6 years ago we had all four for 2 years because of birth mom’s drinking (She lost custody and visitation for almost 2 years).The 2 older decided to return to live with mom and safe her from herself (not their job and she continues to drink and tells them get over it). My husband and I have been trying for 4 years with last and final ivf loss in September. My husband said he understands my pain, but he gets frustrated at times like he expects me to be over it already. To make our last and final ivf loss even worse is the fact my brother & sister in law are due this month. When they announced it on Christmas eve at a huge family gathering , I broke down and had to leave. Knowing how long I’ve been trying I couldn’t believe they wouldn’t give me a heads up about their great news. I don’t wish less for them, but the wounds were still fresh. Before I left my brother told me she was due the same month I would’ve been. And he thought being their child’s godmother should be comforting to me. This is his 3rd and her 2nd biological. She is full time stepmom to my niece, whose mother has been completely out of the scene for 7 years (niece is 11 years, known her stepmom since she is 2). Our backup plan was adoption from China but because my husband was married before (12 years) we have to be married for minimum of 5 years before we can apply. Unfortunately, he will age out by that time making us ineligible. I thought I wouldn’t be comfortable using an egg donor, but now that it has been 9 months since our last failure, I am opening up to the idea. So happy I continued to read on and learned that was your final course to motherhood. You then know my concerns. Do you feel the boys are truly your boys and no more your husbands than yours? My husband has yet to really share with me how he feels about the idea. Also, did you or are you planning on telling your boys ? I have read so many thoughts on both sides.
My heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry about your losses, and your difficult journey. And you are large enough and complex enough to hold contradictory feelings – you can simultaneously be happy for your brother and heart broken for yourself. But it’s torture- absolute torture.
Your question about my boys is both simple and difficult. I had the exact same concerns that you’re voicing. I was initially appalled at the idea of using an egg donor. I worried that I wouldn’t love them same, or that they wouldn’t love me. But they are mine, and there is no way on this earth that I could love them any more. I could never love a biological child more than I love them. That being said, I still struggle. I struggle with the fact that they don’t have my eyes, that they don’t have my fingers – every time someone says “This one looks just like you” I die a little inside. What hurts is that they are so magnificent, and sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t “make” them. But the fact is that they wouldn’t exist without me. These exact souls in these exact bodies would not exist if I hadn’t fought for them. But really, I did make them. Their blood and flesh and bones were made from my body. They have heard my heart beat from the inside. They are my boys. And the world is a brighter, more wonderful place because they’re here.
I don’t regret my choice for one second. And if I were a religious person I would fall on my knees in gratitude and pray and give thanks for my donor every single day. (On a side note – I have since meet 3 woman who have been egg donors. It just happened to come up in conversation. In each case they had watched someone love they love suffer through either the pain of recurrent loss or unexplained infertility and they wanted to try and do something to help someone else who was going through the same pain. They were, without exception, generous, kind, authentic woman.)
The choices that were right for me and my family may not be right for you and yours. Take some time to heal and do some soul searching, talk frankly with your husband and explore your options. It never hurts to learn more, and it’s always always always better to make informed decisions (as you know). I’m happy to talk to you any time and answer any questions.
I’m so sorry that your hurting. Know that you aren’t alone.
xo
And yes, we’re planning on telling them. I already tell them a bedtime story about how mommy and daddy wanted some babies to love, but mommy’s eggs were all broken so she couldn’t make any babies and she cried and cried. And a nice lady let mommy and daddy use some of her extra eggs so they could finally make some little babies and then mommy and daddy were so happy. Yeah! and then we all clap.
I am so glad I came across this. You ladies truly spoke of how I have felt and am still feeling. I too am a step mom to a beautiful 19 year old girl. I’ve been in her life since she was 4 and raised her full time since the age of 9. Things were really tough for hubby and I during the last 9 years. My SD didn’t treat me well for a long time. She would yell, hit me and call me names. She didn’t listen to me half the time, she would play hubby and I against each other and she knew how to hurt me. It was really hard and I questioned leaving quite a few times. Her bio mom was quite a witch. She always put me down, call me names and threatened me. Had to get the police involved and even went after her for joint custody. She tried to go after hubby for child support for her other daughter and alimony. She took our child support money and spent it on drugs and reneged on the mortgage payments to stick it to us. So as we were going through court, she turned around and said we could have SD. $11000 gone! Hubby and I bought a house and found a great school for our “daughter”. Even though she put me through hell, I loved her. I enjoyed raising her and being a part of her life. Fast forward 11 years. Hubby and I have tried to have a baby for the last 7 years. She had a vasectomy after he had his daughter as that’s what his ex wanted ( she now has 4 kids, 3 different fathers). We had his vasectomy reversed twice with the second time working. But unfortunately he had sperm antibodies from the surgeries. So his sperm can’t swim as his body is attacking is attacking the sperm thinking it’s an infection. We have done 2 iui’s and I round of ivf. My ivf ended in a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated and heart broken. Still am. So here we are almost $30000 in debt and no baby. My step daughter ended up moving out as I didn’t like nor trusted her boyfriend. Hubby called his ex with our concerns over her boyfriend ( he was manipulating and controlling) and she told his daughter to not come back. So she didn’t. She ended up living with him for a few months and broke up loving into her maternal grandmothers house. That hurt. But I just let it go. Now she has met a great guy and is living with him and his family. We have a good relationship with her but it still isn’t the same. Tonight, she called and told us that she’s pregnant. WHAT?! Again I sucked it up and was the bigger person and said I was here for her if she needed. As I hung up the phone, I just broke down. Feeling heart broken, mad, angry, hurt, disappointed, sick to my stomach. How can I be supportive when she is experiencing every I want? Will hubby still want to pursue fertility treatments when he will be a grandfather? My head is spinning. And as I lay her typing wiping tears away, I just think to myself, how can I go on? I’m almost 36 with no child of my own and will be a step grandma in 7 months.
Oh my lord. I don’t even know where to start. You have certainly been through it girl. Thank you for sharing your story. I think there are many of us in situations like this, and we need to support and love each other because it can be hard to understand from the outside!!
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, and I can only imagine the conflicted and strong emotions you must be feeling right now after your SD’s news. I certainly hope that your DH will listen carefully and thoughtfully to you about pursuing fertility treatments, especially because you’ve spent so much time and energy on your SD. It’s ok to want to have your own child. There’s nothing wrong with that. The money thing is so hard – I was stuck on that for such a long time. I’d never been debt before and when we doing IVF etc I just couldn’t imagine going in to debt for a child that didn’t even exist. It made me question my competence as a potential parent – should I bring a child into this world that I can’t afford? And if I’ve gone in to debt to conceive the child surely that means I can’t afford it? But in the end, money is money. It’ll come and go.
I’m so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Please keep us updated on the situation and I guess congrats on your new grand baby? WTF. Girl, this is a tough spot. I wish you hope and peace, my friend.
For 7 years my husband and I have been desperate to start a family, but I found out after several years I can’t conceive naturally. We’ve just been through our 2nd failed IVF attempt and starting our 3rd.
My husband got someone pregnant when he was a teenager and my stepson is now 14. We’ve been through a lot of physical and verbal abuse from his mother and ended up moving overseas, so have only had visits on holidays. I don’t speak to my SS between visits so have not had an opportunity to form any sort of parental bond that would lesson the negative feelings I’m having now.
I’ve been battling with anxiety and depression due to my infertility, coupled with having a brain tumour that is benign but causes hormone imbalance and psychological distress. Add lots of fertility drugs on top of this and my state of mind is very much on the edge. I’m really struggling to function, let alone cope with a visit from my stepson.
To be brutally honest, I’m ashamed to say it, but I just cannot cope with seeing him right now. The thought of it sends me into panic attacks, like a phobic reaction that I can’t control. Just hearing him call my husband Dad makes my stomach churn because it shines a spot lamp on the fact I still haven’t managed to get pregnant. All I want is my own child from the bottom of my heart. Obviously I understand my husband needs to see his son, but I can’t cope with seeing him. The only answer I can think of is that they spend time together somewhere else. I feel incredibly guilty and hate myself for doing this to my husband, let alone my SS, but I wouldn’t even consider preventing a visit if I thought there was any way I could cope.
I’m afraid that the IVF could take months or even years; and during that time the psychological distress just gets worse, not better. So I’m worried about being unable to lay eyes on my stepson until I have my own child. It seems impossible to avoid, but I can’t deal with the severity of the depression. I’m getting treatment and seeking help and support, but right now a holiday visit just doesn’t seem feasible. My poor husband! What should I do?
I’m am so sorry about your situation. Infertility on it’s own can be devastating and adding the complex pain of having step-children can make things pretty unbearable. First, I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. It would be hard for anyone not to feel the way you do given the situation, especially since SS’s mother is an additional source of stress and unhappiness and because you don’t have a relationship with SS. All that’s left is the pain and the resentment. It’s terribly difficult. And I can say, having been through something at least superficially similar, that some times are worse than others. Some times are dark and scary and you feel like an awful person because you have such powerful resentment towards an innocent kid. I get it.
It’s hard to give advice because everyone’s experience is so different but I’ll still try. First, talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Be honest. Tell him that you are having a hard time and that your SS is brutal reminder of what you want and don’t have. Next, give yourself some time and space to work through your feelings. If you don’t feel like you can see your SS right now then don’t force it. I think your idea to have your DH meet him somewhere without you is a good one. It can be framed as a “boy’s trip”. Take that time and use it to do something just for you. Something that makes you happy. Remember, when you can, that it’s a process. Just because you don’t want to see your stepson now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel that way. Seeking help and treatment is definitely a fantastic thing to do – these are big, important and valid feelings – and working through them will help tremendously as you work towards building your family.
Your infertility is not your fault. The pain and resentment you feel is ok. Do what you can to care for yourself. What you’re doing is incredibly difficult.
I know I probably don’t need to say this, but if you’re feeling like you can’t handle being around your SS then don’t. He’ll feel the resentment and the pain and that won’t do him any good. When you’re in a better place (and those times will come) try and write him letters, or send him little gifts, just to help foster and nurture the relationship in ways that feel comfortable and safe to you.
I wish you the very best of luck with your next round of IVF. I’m here if you need me. xox
I am so glad I found this post as it’s exactly how I’m feeling today. I cried so much reading it. I have an amazing 10 year old SD I’ve been in her life since she was 4. Her Mum has always made things incredibly frustrating for myself and my husband. We have in the last 3 years lost 3 babies, 1 ectopic and 2 miscarriages. I’m an older lady and I have a disability so getting pregnant and having kids isn’t something that I have taken to lightly, lots of speaking to specialists etc to make sure it’s safe for me. I really want to have my own kids and lately when my SD is being suffereable she actually looks JUST like her mother, and I can’t handle it. I really really struggle. I’m looking at the face of a woman who not only makes my life and husbands life hard but also the woman who doesn’t do the best for her daughter, never puts her feelings first and generally just uses her as a pawn. Then there’s me someone who has dealt with all sorts of blows and is trying so hard to give a child an amazing life with 2 parents who are so desperate to welcome and I just can’t seem to do that. I feel for you I really do, it’s hard having a constant reminder of something you can’t have. Especially when the reminder is in your house and life for the most part. And when the person they look like makes your life so difficult and fills their little heads with nonsense. So thankyou so much for writing this, I feel better knowing I’m not the only step parent who feels like this and it must have been such a hard thing to write and admit to xxx
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear about your pregnancy losses – that’s so devastating. And I totally understand where you are with your step-daughter and her mother. It’s such a complex and difficult situation and it’s impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it. The feelings are so intense. What I’ve come to realize through living this for so long is that I am capable of feeling and holding and accepting contradictory feeling at the same time. It’s ok for me to love my stepdaughter but also be deeply resentful of what she represents to my husband. I can hate her mother but still be grateful that I get to have this child in my life. I can grieve for the children I have lost and still love the one in front of me. It’s never easy and there are some really dark and painful times but it’s possible. I hope it’s possible for you too and I hope that you finally get the child you are working for. xxx
Hi…I can see this is a really old post but I had to comment. It’s just my situation now and I wondered how this worked out?
I’ve been on an infertility journey, wanting my own children so badly since the age of 29. I’ve had two failed relationships since then and a missed miscarriage. I never thought this would happen to me and can’t imagine life without children.
I have been with my current partner for 2 and a half years. He has a son has just turned 7. His Mum is a drug addict and still lives with her Mum as she cannot cope on her own . His Nan is the only reason he is not with us full time – however he still idolizes his mum as children do. Last year we had 2 rounds of IVF that failed. I have recently had a laprsocscopy and have diminished ovarian reserve, stage 3 endiotromosis and tubal dysfunction.
I have found my step sons presence so difficult at times! For all of the 3 reasons you have said above! I’ve thought of leaving but I do love my partner and we ‘re due to get married next year. I am lucky in that he is willing to consider other options such as donor eggs or adoption even though he has his own child already. I can’t decide what’s best to do and have been so scarred from the IVF that I don’t know if I could take another failed go. We also really struggle financially so it would be so long before we had the money, especially with our wedding which part of me wonders if we should have booked just yet.
I’m just so worried that for one reason or the other we won’t get a family together and I’m not sure what’s worse. A life childlessness or life with a step child who’s a constant reminder of what you can’t have. Just the practicalities matter as well, although I love my partner so much sometimes I wish we felt more together on this and it was both of us really wanting a child and both of us facing a life without them. However the reality is every one of our weekends are spent with his son or more often them two together and me on my own 😦
If there is anyone reading this who would like to private email me then please do as I have found this is such a rare situation and it would be so nice to talk to someone who understood both aspects.
It breaks my heart to read this. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. Your feelings are 100% valid. Based on my experience it’s a different for the partner who already has a child – because they already have a child!! It’s not all or nothing for them because they already have something. And it’s so difficult to be on the outside of that relationship looking in while you’re not able to create that relationship for yourself. I don’t have any easy answers. What I can tell you is that families are built and made in all different ways and that no one way will be “right”. It’s so hard to have to give up our idea of what we want and try to be happy with what we have, or what we can build. I will be hoping with my whole heart that you are finding a path that will bring you your family, whatever that may end up looking like for you. As for us, we now have my step-daughter full time (24/7/365) which is both good and bad. I wish she could have a relationship with her mother but the court ordered no contact after the last round of CPS findings of abuse and neglect (recent). It’s easier to not have the crazy aspect that her mom introduced but I know it’s hard on her not to see her mom and I want what’s best for her. *sigh* nothings easy.