I’ve been in a bad mood lately. Call it hormones, call it stress. I think I’m going to call it isolation, which is unfair and overdramatic, but it doesn’t make it any less true to me.

My husband (obviously) and immediate family know what we’re going through, as well as a handful of close friends.  Everyone is very loving and supportive but lets face it – this makes everybody uncomfortable. At a first cut, it makes you think about the sex life of your friend (or daughter or sister or whatever) which is uncomfortable.  But really that’s not the problem.  To think about this the way I am you have to break it down into 2 categories of people – fertile and unknown.

As an example – My 2 best friends are both fertile. Together they have 5 gorgeous, well-adjusted children that they timed perfectly and conceived (more-or-less) on purpose. They were both pregnant when I told them about my infertility issues and the steps we were taking, which was awkward. Of course they were supportive and wonderful (because they’re supportive wonderful people) but I felt the need to explicitly spell out that I don’t begrudge them their children or their pregnancies, and that I want to still share in those experiences.  Is it sometimes difficult?  Yes. Do I sometimes get jealous?  Yes. But I don’t want to be left out and excluded. I know I could theoretically talk to them about it anytime, but I feel like they would be uncomfortable, and that it would be a burden at best and a strain on our friendship at worst.

And the other group-the unknowns.  These are the ladies (many of my friends) who haven’t had kids yet but hope to soon.  They were in the same boat as me – waiting to finish school, waiting to be settled, waiting for Mr. Right. And I am the manifestation of their secret fears.  Did they wait too long? Why have they never had a pregnancy scare? Are they infertile too? Just being around me is a reminder that this could happen to them.

Any way you cut it, everyone is uncomfortable.

So it ends up being just me, sitting on the couch.