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This whole game – IVF, IUI, mini-IVF etc. – is about numbers.  Going in to the IVF process we were told we had about a 35% chance of conceiving if everything goes swimmingly.  That sounded pretty good.  If I had a 35% chance of winning the lottery I’d play.  But slowly I begin to realize that everything was NOT going swimmingly.  Despite being on the maximum amount of follicle stimulating drugs I only produced 10 follicles, which reduced to 6, which reduced to 4 plus one gigantic monster follicle called a dominant follicle.  That makes me a “poor responder” to the meds which reduces my chances of having lots of eggs and/or of having healthy eggs.  Having a dominant follicle is also bad, since it kills off other follicles, further reducing my chances of conception.

Suddenly, I found myself looking at the numbers in a different way.  A 35% chance (if everything is perfect, which it’s not) is actually 65% chance of not conceiving.  Given my circumstances my odds are reduced to let’s say 15%.  That’s an 85% chance of NO BABY.

No one talks about this.  I’ve stalked around TTC boards for a long long time and they’re populated with success story after success story – and that’s wonderful.  I’m honestly happy for those folks and think that those boards are a fantastic resource.  BUT.  You begin to notice that many (if not most) of the people that posted often with updates, stories and experiences just….faded away.  BFN after BFN.  Cancelled cycle after cancelled cycle.  Heartbreak after heartbreak.

We all think we’re special.  That we’re gonna be the one to beat the odds.  Maybe that’s true, but as I sit here the night before my first IUI staring down the barrel of a 92% chance of failure I am all too aware that the odds are not in my favor.